NVRAGAIN3PCT

I went to the dr. for my boyfriend (yep - nasty all way round.) But I never even opened the bag and just was so relieved to be off that ox train. I doubt I'll see much of him again. I've made it clear I'm not doing it again and don't want to be around any of it, at all, any more, EVER. And I mean it.

I'm angry today. Angry and agitated. Although with my new meds I slept 10 hours Woo Hoo! I need another 2 weeks of that to feel really good.

I know it's going to be a while until I feel normal or good or whatever it is but I know today I'm clean. I'm not going back and I don't want to. I'm just plain relieved.

It's over. It's all finally over. And the temptation wasn't even there. I just felt relief.

I know I've got some issues to deal with here with my boyfriend but we are moving quickly into two very different directions and I'm not going to turn back.

He said I'm not fun anymore and that I was imagining/being a drama queen when I tell him how I feel not using anymore. He said all his friends said it was nothing after the withdrawals...yea, and none of them stayed clean for more than a week He can get on board or get out of the way.

I already know the answer. And he'll go away. Because he'll never stop using something and I'm done.

The clarity comes more and more each day. And the relief is staggering! The relief of not counting, hiding, waking up a shaking cold sweat mess looking for my bottles of pills to 'wake up' and 'feel better' Lordy that train is GONE.

No more dr's visits. No more any of this crap. I'm so happy and relieved. After 10 hours of sleep I woke to snuggle with my DD who is just a snuggly bunny. Oh god looking into her face I feel so much strength. Stronger every day.

THANK CARL!

BILLIONS AND BILLIONS - FT! HA!

I know it's not over. I know my struggles will come and go but I will not ever go back to that garbage AGAIN. I held that bag and it disgusted me. Oh I thought about it. But I knew - in my brain I knew that I wouldn't feel good. I would feel nothing. So why do it? And I didn't.

I'm not stupid (well, obviously a little) - I wont' tempt myself again.

Getting ready to visit our favorite place on earth. Our vacation home in the south on 42 gorgeous acres of peace and quiet. I can't wait.

Thank you to everyone for your support. I send you peace, strength and blessings. My struggle far from over but something has clicked and changed and I can feel it. I am different.

I am angry. Angry I did it for so long. Angry I got into it into the first place and angry that it will destroy my relationship. Oh well. I'm putting me and my children first. Not oxy's.

More soon. And thank you so much I'll update you during vacation.

Blessings and Peace

I am determined AND hopeful

FT

Hi NVR:

The property sounds wonderful. Absolutely wonderful. My kind of place. If you get a chance, lie on the ground and stare at the sky when it is dark and cloudless, and your mind gets blown. If the mosquitos don't eat you alive first! Billions and billions of stars. Yes!

You are on the right track with your life, sounds like to me. You recognize what is good for you and your kids, which is not a prolonged ride on the oxy train.

I used to wake up just like you describe, and it was what finally pushed me over the edge to stop taking the OX. My doses had escalated, and I woke up earlier and earlier every morning, sick and sweating, desperate to swallow my first pills of the day. Only every day I approached the end of my stash, I became more and more panicked about how many were left. I couldn't fathom running out, and feeling that sick all day. Finally I'd had enough, and the morning I woke up unable to remember how many pills I taken the night before, then counting and recounting in disbelief I had so few left -- I knew I was at the end of my tolerance for that ride.

Gone. Gone. Gone. I am so happy to wake up each morning, NOT needing the OX. I feared that morning dose the most -- the lack of it, I mean. For months I avoided going off the OX because of that morning dose. After I went off, it took quite a few weeks to get past the lethargy, but the cold sweats disappeared within a few days.

I love to hear how you are doing. It is amazing how similar our stories of withdrawal are, despite the differences in our everyday lives.

Good goin' girl. Keep it up!

FT

NVRAGAIN3PCT

FT - everything you describe...yes yes YES! I would wake earlier and earlier, having taken extras later and later and then around 10am I would count and

oh man it was PANIC ATTACK CITY so then there would be the soma's and xanax and maybe a beer to wash it with and then a peaceful nap until the kids came home from school and then I was taking another one to be UP for them until bed time when I could mix my cocktail to put me into oblivion....

but I would wake earlier and take and then maybe sleep maybe not and i would be shaking and eventually run out early and it was hell until I got my pills again.

3 days ago I could not understand your relief at waking without that morning pill.

Now I feel it. Not just the absence of the craving. BUT RELIEF!

I KNOW I'll have crashes and bad days so with that I can be prepared. It's a medical condition: the PAWS from all this abuse and with that knowledge I can deal. Oh yea, I can deal with that over that oxy train any day.

I'm so pissed at the waste....but use that anger to fuel the changes.

Thank Carl for people like YOU. Without you and others on here I would have already been using again.

I can tell you honestly - I never even opened the bag. And will never get another one again.

Today - today I have MORE than hope.

Thank you

Blessings!

(and actually, yes, we lie on the ground in the corn fields and look at the stars in around midnight and find all the constellations. Last year we got to watch the meteor shower!)

PS - I'm thinking of taking up golf. I watched so much of the Golf channel while detoxing that I keep watching it and want to try it! Isn't that hysterical?

FT

GOLF! LOL!

Lordy, Lordy, it is SO wonderful to wake up each morning not craving my pills. I would get up in the dark and sit at my computer drinking coffee, sick and sweaty, waiting for the pills to kick in. The flood of relief when they did kick in was memorable, and there's nothing quite like that rush. But I don't romanticize it anymore, because the sick that followed was incapacitating. God I was sick. I felt SO unhealthy before I quit. I used to mountain bike, and I had reached the point where I couldn't walk across a room without getting winded.

Hey, I'm mountain biking again now! And NOW I'm trying to take off the weight I put on while on the OX, doing NOTHING but sit on my fat butt. Ha!

Keep kickin' it, dear. It is VERY worth it.

FT

PS -- LOVE those references to my man Carl. SO funny. I have been saying the same thing for years. Geez.

NVRAGAIN3PCT

hey - if you sneeze I'll say "Carl Bless You!" ha!

Yes, all of that you describe...the waiting...the 'kicking in'...amazing that you use the same language. I thought I was in my own little world of secrecy and here I am part of this huge sick group So much for secrecy!

I'm excited to find some atheist groups here and have found some materials to help.

Funny, but looking at the science of addiction and the medical aspect to it has given me hope and helped to divorce me from my erratic emotional state. It is helping so much. It's all so clear right now. I'll need to remember that when I'm all weepy and cuckoo

Yes - nice to meet a kindred spirit. The Universe is my HP and Christopher Hitchens is my p*rn Love that guy. Too bad he's dying Ok - more on that later.

Peace and blessings!

Not on that foking ox train today. Thank you Carl. Thank the Universe.

hopeful8523

NVR-- you amaze me, you honestly do. Girl you are my twin it seems!!!Your posts are truly inspiring, so THANK YOU. Have a wonderful trip, you deserve it. Hugs

Ggeo

Those really were amazing posts. I don't ever think I've read such perfect descriptions of what I Feel/felt as well...the morning sweats, waking up earlier and earlier to take that morning dose. Waiting for that relief before getting up. Today is my first day again off opiates ( Oxycodone) AGAIN. My fourth attempt to get off. So far all I feel is strung out.. That weird surreal feeling is what I get. Waiting for the proverbial **** to hit the fan though. I know it's coming. I took my last three Oxys last night at around 7pm. It's now 1 in the afternoon the next day. I'm kind of surprised I'm not having worse symptoms but I know it's coming.....I was also attracted to this post because of the atheist reference. Thank you!! Everywhere I go there are the god and prayer references!! I don't fit in there..And I love Christopher Hitchens..I too had cancer last year which is how I got on Oxycodone. Chemo has been over for 7 months but guess what? I'm still on the Oxy for no good reason. And I quit 3 times, once for an entire month! .anyway here I go again, and thank you to the above two posters...you made my day. Wish me luck.

FT

Hi Ggeo and welcome!

There are kindred spirits here, and it's pretty fun when you find them. I just love NVR's references to Carl Sagan, because I've told my husband many times that if I had to pick a "god" it would probably be him. When I have a philosophical dilemma brewing in my head, I like to turn my thoughts to others who have inhabited this planet with intellects that far supercede mind, and look to their philosophies to help me put mine in perspective. Carl is one of them. Steven Hawking is another. Einstein is another. I haven't been acquainted with Hitchens. There was a molecular biologist genius on 60 Minutes the other day, who had been responsible for unraveling complex DNA code sequencing with regards to current developments in virology and the development of synthetic molecules. He was asked if he believed in god, and he looked at the interview quite incredulously before responding, "Life is far more incredible than that...." Carl Sagan was once asked about god and evolution, and his response was how clever a god must be to make it "appear" as though higher creatures had evolved over the millenia, and that such a god must be powerful indeed. All with a smile on his face.

I usually stay away from too much such "stuff" here, only because I want to keep the spirit of the forum to be focused on recovery and not faith. However, it does seep in, as I am not religious, even though I was raised Catholic and learned to fear god as a child.

And recovery it is that is the focus here. I am so glad you are here and that you have heard something in our posts that rings true for you. I am continually amazed to discover how much like myself other posters are, and here I thought I was the only one to experience some of this stuff.

What I can tell you is that you can put the oxycodone behind you. It really does eat away at your resilience, on many levels. Ah, the morning dose -- no more do I want that "rush" that turned on me so badly in the end. When I wake up now, I want coffee or tea and NOT the OX!

Glad to see you here.

FT

Ggeo

Yes, Carl Sagan is an amazing man. Sometimes I feel crazy living in this country where fundamentalists are the majority...I really do. I watched Noam Chomsky last night and he looked...defeated. I wondered why he stayed here. He certainly has the wherewithal to move..ok, I get the gist of your post and that is for me to stay on track with recovery.

I began my own thread too...I read ( lurked?) so many of your posts and you mirror my thinking in so many ways it was downright creepy! Right down to the catholic background too I may add. Maybe Catholic school had a couple of good things going for it; I notice we at least have a grasp on the English language, have good grammar, and spell correctly! Ha!

Anyway, I truly appreciate you being here. I know from past experience I will be refreshing these pages long into my upcoming lonely ****** up night.

Thank you

FT

The fact that you know who Chomsky is amazes me! I was a Linguistics major for a year before I switched to Spanish.