Fear that I do not know...
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,955
Fear that I do not know...
I don't like feeling inadequate, maybe having a loss in the control of old hurts that burn through my best intentions. Maybe not even my best intentions but well wishes for myself.
What is tis feeling? Regret, mistaken beliefs about myself. Even more simpler...fear. Fear that I do not know who I am or what I'm about.
Strip away the dysfunctional drug alcohol use and lay exposed to the uncertainty of 'what is me'.
Have the challenge of making mistake after mistake. Wanting to learn yet being pulled below my capabilities from the damage of the past. It is helplessness or better explained as lack of diligence. The constant vigilance of being 'on top of my performance'. With the constant expectation of failure.
Being exposed and wanting for an explanation is very hard for me. Yet here I am, a greeter for the secular forum, a privilege I feel I have tempted of having that revoked one to many times.
Time to use this site as it is available to be, time to ask for support.
What is tis feeling? Regret, mistaken beliefs about myself. Even more simpler...fear. Fear that I do not know who I am or what I'm about.
Strip away the dysfunctional drug alcohol use and lay exposed to the uncertainty of 'what is me'.
Have the challenge of making mistake after mistake. Wanting to learn yet being pulled below my capabilities from the damage of the past. It is helplessness or better explained as lack of diligence. The constant vigilance of being 'on top of my performance'. With the constant expectation of failure.
Being exposed and wanting for an explanation is very hard for me. Yet here I am, a greeter for the secular forum, a privilege I feel I have tempted of having that revoked one to many times.
Time to use this site as it is available to be, time to ask for support.
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
This is the second post that you have posted here that could have been describing myself right down to the greeter part.
I am thankful you are reaching out for support. That can be so hard to do, to let go of our pride and set aside the look good long enough to say help me. I struggle with that too often. I think that it makes my mental health issues worse as I tend to even hide things from my mental health providers for fear of looking bad or failing to be the person I am "supposed" to be. Funny thing is that even when I fail the people that know me and care about me don't seem to mind. The few people I call friends are the very ones that don't expect me to be perfect or right all the time.
One thing that is great about this site is for the most part, except one time recently, I have been able to come here for support and have received it with open hearts and minds. Some have given constructive criticism but they still put it in a kind way, only one person has not and hopefully he will stay out of my posts in the future. That person made me nearly stop posting here but I made up my mind that I was not going to let one person drive me away from a good support system. Anyway I am glad you are reaching out. You definately have my empathy and support.
I am thankful you are reaching out for support. That can be so hard to do, to let go of our pride and set aside the look good long enough to say help me. I struggle with that too often. I think that it makes my mental health issues worse as I tend to even hide things from my mental health providers for fear of looking bad or failing to be the person I am "supposed" to be. Funny thing is that even when I fail the people that know me and care about me don't seem to mind. The few people I call friends are the very ones that don't expect me to be perfect or right all the time.
One thing that is great about this site is for the most part, except one time recently, I have been able to come here for support and have received it with open hearts and minds. Some have given constructive criticism but they still put it in a kind way, only one person has not and hopefully he will stay out of my posts in the future. That person made me nearly stop posting here but I made up my mind that I was not going to let one person drive me away from a good support system. Anyway I am glad you are reaching out. You definately have my empathy and support.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,955
Thanks nandm 
Sometimes my mental illness symptoms cause me to get confused. Then old maladaptive thoughts and behaviors surface. Time to just keep it simple, work my dual diagnosis treatments and easy dose it.
Sometimes my mental illness symptoms cause me to get confused. Then old maladaptive thoughts and behaviors surface. Time to just keep it simple, work my dual diagnosis treatments and easy dose it.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Albany NY
Posts: 1,212
Hi Zencat....
I know you work very hard on yourself; it is apparent in your posts and in all the great support you provide to others.
I am agreeing with your self-assessment of keeping it simple. Perhaps you can try not to focus on the outcome of things (which is the perfect setup for becoming fearful), and just put one foot in front of the other without regard to the outcome.
Sometimes we get so into our "minds" and our "purpose" that we lose the joy that is there for the taking.
So, yes, keep it simple and try to slow down. That, I know, is attainable. Don't be so hard on yourself, my friend!
I know you work very hard on yourself; it is apparent in your posts and in all the great support you provide to others.
I am agreeing with your self-assessment of keeping it simple. Perhaps you can try not to focus on the outcome of things (which is the perfect setup for becoming fearful), and just put one foot in front of the other without regard to the outcome.
Sometimes we get so into our "minds" and our "purpose" that we lose the joy that is there for the taking.
So, yes, keep it simple and try to slow down. That, I know, is attainable. Don't be so hard on yourself, my friend!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 525
Hi Zencat,
Self-aware people suffer more. And people who expect the same behavior from themselves that they do from others can often find themselves full of past examples where they failed to live up to their high expectations. Often it's because some of the expectations are just too high. How much help do we give to other people? What's the right amount? These are impossible questions, because we can't know the answer until we act. And then we may find out that our actions didn't achieve our objective. BUT, the action was taken with good intention.
Also, i know i'm struggling with expecting to feel peaceful, because most of my actions in the past were peaceful. I made life choices to simplify, made life choices not to chase money & fame. And the reason i did that was because i value calmness. Now, i value calmness because i've never truly possessed it. So, it's always looked like a great goal to me. So, i read a lot about achieving peace and serenity, hoping to learn the secrets of a calm buddhist monk. And i put that learning into action.
yet here i am, not feeling very calm or peaceful. Like you, the alcohol & other substance use was a way to find peace, not to get high and escape reality. Rather, it was to self-medicate so i could experience the day without a pain filled struggle. I always told myself i'd rather be a content everyday person than an unhappy rich person. So many examples of rich people suffering (gibson, lohan, bird parker). But, for all my searchings, i still don't posses peace of mind most of the day. And it bothers me, because i consciously strove to find it, did a lot of work trying to achieve it, and i don't feel too much closer. Just more aware.
Self-aware people suffer more. And people who expect the same behavior from themselves that they do from others can often find themselves full of past examples where they failed to live up to their high expectations. Often it's because some of the expectations are just too high. How much help do we give to other people? What's the right amount? These are impossible questions, because we can't know the answer until we act. And then we may find out that our actions didn't achieve our objective. BUT, the action was taken with good intention.
Also, i know i'm struggling with expecting to feel peaceful, because most of my actions in the past were peaceful. I made life choices to simplify, made life choices not to chase money & fame. And the reason i did that was because i value calmness. Now, i value calmness because i've never truly possessed it. So, it's always looked like a great goal to me. So, i read a lot about achieving peace and serenity, hoping to learn the secrets of a calm buddhist monk. And i put that learning into action.
yet here i am, not feeling very calm or peaceful. Like you, the alcohol & other substance use was a way to find peace, not to get high and escape reality. Rather, it was to self-medicate so i could experience the day without a pain filled struggle. I always told myself i'd rather be a content everyday person than an unhappy rich person. So many examples of rich people suffering (gibson, lohan, bird parker). But, for all my searchings, i still don't posses peace of mind most of the day. And it bothers me, because i consciously strove to find it, did a lot of work trying to achieve it, and i don't feel too much closer. Just more aware.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Living in Today!
Posts: 3,945
Originally Posted by Zencat 
I don't like feeling inadequate, maybe having a loss in the control of old hurts that burn through my best intentions. Maybe not even my best intentions but well wishes for myself.
What is tis feeling? Regret, mistaken beliefs about myself. Even more simpler...fear. Fear that I do not know who I am or what I'm about.
Strip away the dysfunctional drug alcohol use and lay exposed to the uncertainty of 'what is me'.
Have the challenge of making mistake after mistake. Wanting to learn yet being pulled below my capabilities from the damage of the past. It is helplessness or better explained as lack of diligence. The constant vigilance of being 'on top of my performance'. With the constant expectation of failure.
Being exposed and wanting for an explanation is very hard for me. Yet here I am, a greeter for the secular forum, a privilege I feel I have tempted of having that revoked one to many times.
Time to use this site as it is available to be, time to ask for support.
What is tis feeling? Regret, mistaken beliefs about myself. Even more simpler...fear. Fear that I do not know who I am or what I'm about.
Strip away the dysfunctional drug alcohol use and lay exposed to the uncertainty of 'what is me'.
Have the challenge of making mistake after mistake. Wanting to learn yet being pulled below my capabilities from the damage of the past. It is helplessness or better explained as lack of diligence. The constant vigilance of being 'on top of my performance'. With the constant expectation of failure.
Being exposed and wanting for an explanation is very hard for me. Yet here I am, a greeter for the secular forum, a privilege I feel I have tempted of having that revoked one to many times.
Time to use this site as it is available to be, time to ask for support.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I have to battle those old feelings of inadequacy too, ZenCat. It can really be triggered by my parents depending on the conversation.
Then I overcompensate, set goals too high and am disappointed when I fail!
It's hard to undo old ways of thinking for sure.
Like mandn, I tend not to ask for help either, which is not a good thing, so I'm making a conscious effort not to hold back.
Keeping you in my prayers!
Then I overcompensate, set goals too high and am disappointed when I fail!
It's hard to undo old ways of thinking for sure.
Like mandn, I tend not to ask for help either, which is not a good thing, so I'm making a conscious effort not to hold back.
Keeping you in my prayers!
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