After coming clean about my battle with addiction she is leaving me.......
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Sanford, Maine
Posts: 75
After coming clean about my battle with addiction she is leaving me.......
Well the title says it all. After a rough oxy hell ride that lasted almost two years I decided to enlist the help of my family, friends and girlfriend to increase my success rate of beating this beast. Well she just informed me that she can't deal with the fact that I kept this from her. How she didn't know something was wrong is a mystery. Never underestimate the power of denial. Anyhow, any love and support would be greatly appreciated as this is obviously going to threaten my sobriety but at this point I'm still going with DO NOT USE NO MATTER WHAT.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Hi INON:
I am probably one of the ones encouraging you to come clean to your family, and I am sorry it is turning out this way for you.
However, I stand firm on my contention that it is the right thing to do.
I have two grown sons who have both suffered extremely painful breakups with significant others, and it is painful to watch. Relationships that crumble under the stress of something like you are going through were likely dysfunctional to begin with. That is little comfort when you are hurting, but imagine such a relationship crumbling later on when there are children and perhaps money involved. If it is not a good relationship to begin with, a crisis will often let you know the truth of it.
I don't know how old you are, but it sounds like you still have your whole life ahead of you. If you can just hold on long enough to become a strong, healthy person, who is functional, has interests, and is self supporting, you become a much more desirable mate for another person.
One of the worst things people can do is hook up with another user, or hook up with someone while they are still trying to find themselves during recovery.
I hope at least your family is supportive. Recovery is difficult at best, and no matter how worthwhile it is, it is hard to feel good about doing the right things, especially when you only means of comforting yourself is the very thing you are denying yourself in recovery. Your drug of choice.
You have just done a very powerful thing. A very brave thing. If this woman is not the right one for you, then you just found out about it. Better now than later on.
Hang tight and find yourself some REAL support. NA is a good start, or another group if you prefer a different style. I have heard other posters give some ideas here.
In any event, your inner strength is awesome, and you just did the right thing to do. People who really love you will be angry with you, and you will know all about that for awhile. The REAL loved ones, friends, and lovers, will stand by you regardless of how bad things are. It may be that your girlfriend had other reasons to leave you, and this was just her out.
I hope others post soon to support you as well. Hang in there.
FT
I am probably one of the ones encouraging you to come clean to your family, and I am sorry it is turning out this way for you.
However, I stand firm on my contention that it is the right thing to do.
I have two grown sons who have both suffered extremely painful breakups with significant others, and it is painful to watch. Relationships that crumble under the stress of something like you are going through were likely dysfunctional to begin with. That is little comfort when you are hurting, but imagine such a relationship crumbling later on when there are children and perhaps money involved. If it is not a good relationship to begin with, a crisis will often let you know the truth of it.
I don't know how old you are, but it sounds like you still have your whole life ahead of you. If you can just hold on long enough to become a strong, healthy person, who is functional, has interests, and is self supporting, you become a much more desirable mate for another person.
One of the worst things people can do is hook up with another user, or hook up with someone while they are still trying to find themselves during recovery.
I hope at least your family is supportive. Recovery is difficult at best, and no matter how worthwhile it is, it is hard to feel good about doing the right things, especially when you only means of comforting yourself is the very thing you are denying yourself in recovery. Your drug of choice.
You have just done a very powerful thing. A very brave thing. If this woman is not the right one for you, then you just found out about it. Better now than later on.
Hang tight and find yourself some REAL support. NA is a good start, or another group if you prefer a different style. I have heard other posters give some ideas here.
In any event, your inner strength is awesome, and you just did the right thing to do. People who really love you will be angry with you, and you will know all about that for awhile. The REAL loved ones, friends, and lovers, will stand by you regardless of how bad things are. It may be that your girlfriend had other reasons to leave you, and this was just her out.
I hope others post soon to support you as well. Hang in there.
FT
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Sanford, Maine
Posts: 75
FT, THANK YOU. You are a Saint. I just feel like she's walking out on me during my darkest hour. To answer your question I am 34 and she is 30. Both professionally employed and she moved into my house just before xmas.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Hey. You have a lot to offer the world. And you have a lot to offer a mate. If she isn't strong enough to stand by you right now, then it will be her loss.
"Fairweather" friends and lovers are best left behind as soon as you discover them to be such. There will be someone else for you who will do you better than this.
Stay strong. You are awesome.
FT
"Fairweather" friends and lovers are best left behind as soon as you discover them to be such. There will be someone else for you who will do you better than this.
Stay strong. You are awesome.
FT
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((INON)) - I'm sorry it turned out this way, but TBH, that is one of the consequences some of us face from our addiction. It hurts when you've bared your soul, so to say, and someone who we thought would support us, says "sorry, can't deal with this..bye bye" but it's better to find out NOW than way down the road. I'm not trying to downplay how much it hurts, because I know that feeling. I also know what it's like to find out my relationships (I have 3 XABF's) were built mostly on lies.
I do hope your family is supportive. It took mine quite a while to trust me again. I left my XABF#3 because #1, he was still using, but mostly, #2, I realized there was no way I would ever trust him again, even if he got clean.
I do know that there is a lot of support out there (and here). SR and the friends I've made here have been a huge part of my recovery, and I've reconnected with some f2f people I had shut out who are awesome.
Grieve the loss of the relationship, but maybe let it be a reminder of why you don't want to go back to that life? Early recovery is hard enough, like being on an emotional roller-coaster, but the more we work at it, the more we become the people we want to be, the more we attract people who are good for us.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I do hope your family is supportive. It took mine quite a while to trust me again. I left my XABF#3 because #1, he was still using, but mostly, #2, I realized there was no way I would ever trust him again, even if he got clean.
I do know that there is a lot of support out there (and here). SR and the friends I've made here have been a huge part of my recovery, and I've reconnected with some f2f people I had shut out who are awesome.
Grieve the loss of the relationship, but maybe let it be a reminder of why you don't want to go back to that life? Early recovery is hard enough, like being on an emotional roller-coaster, but the more we work at it, the more we become the people we want to be, the more we attract people who are good for us.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Deltona; FL
Posts: 1
I just joined this site and I just wanted to say that I can relate... I was with my ex for five years and we were usin together.... needless to say we got clean together and well I guess its true when they say 2 addicts never make it out together I had a slip up and just when I needed his support the most he left we have a 2yr old son together and dcf got invloved Im still tryin to put it all back together but Ive been clean since feb 8th and I feel amazing finally have a clear head and im tryin to focus on my goals its hard tho because im raising our son all by my self he hardly ever comes to see him Im am lucky to have the support of my family tho... anyway enough about me... I know Im suppost to be offerin you support I just wanted to kinda intrduce my self and let you know and that it gets better... just make sure you surround your self with the people who really support you!! also can someone help me understand how to use this site.... please??
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Hi Kristi, and welcome!
As to how to use the site, just play around and don't be afraid to post. You will figure out all the icons and things. You don't get to send private messages until you have posted a few times, so post away! Your input is welcome, and it is great to see new people coming on to both give and get support. This is a good place for both.
FT
As to how to use the site, just play around and don't be afraid to post. You will figure out all the icons and things. You don't get to send private messages until you have posted a few times, so post away! Your input is welcome, and it is great to see new people coming on to both give and get support. This is a good place for both.
FT
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Sanford, Maine
Posts: 75
Hi FT. Well I have moved out of my own house for the time being. I am staying at my families summer home on a lake and although my commute to work everyday sucks it's actually therapeutic. Long way from access to the dope too. She is taking time to decide whether or not she can learn to trust me again. I made this mess and I'm determined to clean it up but whether she stays or goes I realize that I need to keep my sobriety my number one objective. Thank you for all the love and support.
p.s. We had tickets to Jimmy Buffet this coming weekend and she emailed me asking if I wanted them. I laughed. The last place I want to be is around a bunch of drunks and drugs. Not to say every Parrot head is but the majority are their to have a good time.
p.s. We had tickets to Jimmy Buffet this coming weekend and she emailed me asking if I wanted them. I laughed. The last place I want to be is around a bunch of drunks and drugs. Not to say every Parrot head is but the majority are their to have a good time.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Hi INON:
This is a real test of the relationship, isn't it? Maybe it isn't over, but you will know if it survives this crisis. If it does, it is likely to be stronger than before the crisis hit. I have been married to the same guy for MANY years now, and my recent opiate abuse almost overturned the apple cart. A relationship can only withstand so many hits where trust is concerned. Even seasoned ones are vulnerable.
The best thing you can do now is exactly what you are doing. Stay true to your personal mental health and growth, and your behavior is all that really counts right now. It may be that she needs to see a demonstration of your intentions and she is reserving judgment on what the future holds for you both. It hurts bad to see someone you love going through withdrawal from addiction, and she may be hurting too much to stay around it. Maybe she feels guilty for being somehow co-dependent. It happens. "If only I had done...." haunts us all.
At the end of the day, you being a healthy, non-addicted, up front and honest guy will count for everything. If this relationship fails, then it is what it is. No matter what, you will emerge clean and healthy, and will be a far better person and potential life partner as a result of that.
Hang in there. And keep doing the awesome job that you are doing. When you come out on the other side of this, everything will be far more clear in terms of understanding your relationship, how the players came together or not, and what the future holds next. All with a clear head.
FT
This is a real test of the relationship, isn't it? Maybe it isn't over, but you will know if it survives this crisis. If it does, it is likely to be stronger than before the crisis hit. I have been married to the same guy for MANY years now, and my recent opiate abuse almost overturned the apple cart. A relationship can only withstand so many hits where trust is concerned. Even seasoned ones are vulnerable.
The best thing you can do now is exactly what you are doing. Stay true to your personal mental health and growth, and your behavior is all that really counts right now. It may be that she needs to see a demonstration of your intentions and she is reserving judgment on what the future holds for you both. It hurts bad to see someone you love going through withdrawal from addiction, and she may be hurting too much to stay around it. Maybe she feels guilty for being somehow co-dependent. It happens. "If only I had done...." haunts us all.
At the end of the day, you being a healthy, non-addicted, up front and honest guy will count for everything. If this relationship fails, then it is what it is. No matter what, you will emerge clean and healthy, and will be a far better person and potential life partner as a result of that.
Hang in there. And keep doing the awesome job that you are doing. When you come out on the other side of this, everything will be far more clear in terms of understanding your relationship, how the players came together or not, and what the future holds next. All with a clear head.
FT
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Boca *****
Posts: 211
I'm split down the middle on this one. I won't say anything bad about your girlfriend leaving. We weave tangled and complicated lives when in addiction mode and from the sounds of it, she is way more hurt that you hid it from her the entire time.
and to the person that said she must have been in denial. I was banging, dating a pre-med student, had a full time job (and scars) and I was the queen of hiding my problems, he never had a clue.
Right now, you shouldn't be worrying about relationships, but yourself and getting well. I don't know if you've been using long enough, but you'll notice a pattern. Lather, Rinse, Repeat (For us: Use, Abuse, Recover) Sometimes it takes more than one time to stick, detox is a kiddy ride compared to keeping it straight afterwards. (You don't feel good during detox, so everything is a mess, but when you're feeling good/okay physically, then the boredom sinks in and a mess of temptations.
MY END POINT: Now isn't the time for a relationship if she's not on board and you can't blame her, it's like you hid a part of you from her, she's hurt. My guy didn't forgive me and looking back, I don't blame him one bit, I created that scenario for myself and blaming him isn't going to make me better.
EDIT: When I say "blame" I don't mean blame your addiction on her, but blame her for opting out of the relationship. I think we've all lost loved ones to addiction. It was best described to me as "who are you, who was I dating?" Partners can feel like they don't have a clue who they were intimate with. (That's all I've got, I'm just newly sober)
and to the person that said she must have been in denial. I was banging, dating a pre-med student, had a full time job (and scars) and I was the queen of hiding my problems, he never had a clue.
Right now, you shouldn't be worrying about relationships, but yourself and getting well. I don't know if you've been using long enough, but you'll notice a pattern. Lather, Rinse, Repeat (For us: Use, Abuse, Recover) Sometimes it takes more than one time to stick, detox is a kiddy ride compared to keeping it straight afterwards. (You don't feel good during detox, so everything is a mess, but when you're feeling good/okay physically, then the boredom sinks in and a mess of temptations.
MY END POINT: Now isn't the time for a relationship if she's not on board and you can't blame her, it's like you hid a part of you from her, she's hurt. My guy didn't forgive me and looking back, I don't blame him one bit, I created that scenario for myself and blaming him isn't going to make me better.
EDIT: When I say "blame" I don't mean blame your addiction on her, but blame her for opting out of the relationship. I think we've all lost loved ones to addiction. It was best described to me as "who are you, who was I dating?" Partners can feel like they don't have a clue who they were intimate with. (That's all I've got, I'm just newly sober)
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