Hydro Withdrawal
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 49
Hydro Withdrawal
Hello All,
I have posted on here before about a tapering plan and I felt like I owed it to all the courageous people who are trying to wrestle down an opiate addiction. Just a little background on me. I am in my mid-30s and have been steady taking Hydros for over a year. Generally, I was taking 8 or more 10mg hydros a day. I realize this is not a huge dose compared to some folks who are wrestling with a 120mg per oxy habit but it is where I was. I got sick of spending the money and sick of the anxiety they were starting to cause me and sick of generally feeling like I was not really in the present.
My use began with some injuries but quickly moved to a street source and just taking them to feel energized and not feel stressed out— a familiar story. Later they stopped easing my anxiety and actually added to it as well as aggravating a persistent arthritis condition. It has been mentioned here that opiates sometimes actually make chronic pain worse for reasons that I don't understand, but I can say that this is certainly true in my case.
Anyway, I knew I wanted to stop before I got into any deeper trouble so l started to taper a few weeks ago. That went fine and I even got down to just 3 7.5mgs per day and could handle it as long as I stayed busy. Then someone dropped about 120 10's in my lap and I um... went of the taper. After burning through this last 120 10's I was ready to just stop. So, I went from taking about 8 10's per day to 3 10's last Wednesday and then have not had any since.
So, I woke up today on the 8th day without any opiates and honestly I feel great. The first three days sucked, but I never had any vomiting and was always able to do a little work. I was just very sore, listless and restless at the same time. I had trouble sleeping and felt really unsettled and disembodied and had serious digestive issues. I could only sleep with the aid of one or two .5 xanax and tylenol PM as well as the Buspar I am prescribed for general anxiety. I have since asked for and been given a scrip for Clonazepam which I find works better for me than xanax but I'd like to get off of those ASAP too, because I understand benzo withdrawal is no fun. That said, I am just taking 3 .5mg clonazepam per day while the post-opiate anxiety still gnaws at me.
My experience was pretty light compared to what a lot of people on here went through. I was emotional, I was painfully sore, I had stomach issues, I couldn't sleep, I tingled, I sweated, I felt like I was made out of lead, I had restless legs.
Anyway, the point is that I made it through and have had a great few days since about day 4 without opiates. I have been tempted, of course, a guy even called with a bottle but i turned him down on day 3. I am not much of a pot smoker but I found a little weed before bed helped me get to sleep.
For me, Hydro use was always about keeping my natural anxiety under control and catching a buzz that didn't leave me with a hangover but we all know that can't last. Finally, I was just sick of spending the money and not being the guy I knew I could be. I have always been in good shape (and stayed that way through my year of abuse) but I could see where it was headed as the balance got harder and harder to maintain.
I am not sure if this little narrative will give anyone thinking about kicking opiates any hope. It is not unlike a lot of stories out there, but I'll just say that reading this board gave me a lot of confidence so I felt like I owed it to all the brave folks on here who are trying to get their life back on track. Today starts day 8 for me and I feel great. Not 100% back to pre-opiate normal but close. The urge is there, just like the urge to smoke when you have quit but it is manageable.
When I first though about quitting I would read things on here where people talked about it taking a week or so to feel normal-ish and that seemed like such an eternity as I squirmed under my sheets and tossed and turned but you can get through it. And, if you are reading this with a similar usage level and duration as I had, then seriously think about stopping now. Because, as lots of people around here will tell you, it will only get harder.
Thanks to everyone who posts here and good luck to everyone.
I have posted on here before about a tapering plan and I felt like I owed it to all the courageous people who are trying to wrestle down an opiate addiction. Just a little background on me. I am in my mid-30s and have been steady taking Hydros for over a year. Generally, I was taking 8 or more 10mg hydros a day. I realize this is not a huge dose compared to some folks who are wrestling with a 120mg per oxy habit but it is where I was. I got sick of spending the money and sick of the anxiety they were starting to cause me and sick of generally feeling like I was not really in the present.
My use began with some injuries but quickly moved to a street source and just taking them to feel energized and not feel stressed out— a familiar story. Later they stopped easing my anxiety and actually added to it as well as aggravating a persistent arthritis condition. It has been mentioned here that opiates sometimes actually make chronic pain worse for reasons that I don't understand, but I can say that this is certainly true in my case.
Anyway, I knew I wanted to stop before I got into any deeper trouble so l started to taper a few weeks ago. That went fine and I even got down to just 3 7.5mgs per day and could handle it as long as I stayed busy. Then someone dropped about 120 10's in my lap and I um... went of the taper. After burning through this last 120 10's I was ready to just stop. So, I went from taking about 8 10's per day to 3 10's last Wednesday and then have not had any since.
So, I woke up today on the 8th day without any opiates and honestly I feel great. The first three days sucked, but I never had any vomiting and was always able to do a little work. I was just very sore, listless and restless at the same time. I had trouble sleeping and felt really unsettled and disembodied and had serious digestive issues. I could only sleep with the aid of one or two .5 xanax and tylenol PM as well as the Buspar I am prescribed for general anxiety. I have since asked for and been given a scrip for Clonazepam which I find works better for me than xanax but I'd like to get off of those ASAP too, because I understand benzo withdrawal is no fun. That said, I am just taking 3 .5mg clonazepam per day while the post-opiate anxiety still gnaws at me.
My experience was pretty light compared to what a lot of people on here went through. I was emotional, I was painfully sore, I had stomach issues, I couldn't sleep, I tingled, I sweated, I felt like I was made out of lead, I had restless legs.
Anyway, the point is that I made it through and have had a great few days since about day 4 without opiates. I have been tempted, of course, a guy even called with a bottle but i turned him down on day 3. I am not much of a pot smoker but I found a little weed before bed helped me get to sleep.
For me, Hydro use was always about keeping my natural anxiety under control and catching a buzz that didn't leave me with a hangover but we all know that can't last. Finally, I was just sick of spending the money and not being the guy I knew I could be. I have always been in good shape (and stayed that way through my year of abuse) but I could see where it was headed as the balance got harder and harder to maintain.
I am not sure if this little narrative will give anyone thinking about kicking opiates any hope. It is not unlike a lot of stories out there, but I'll just say that reading this board gave me a lot of confidence so I felt like I owed it to all the brave folks on here who are trying to get their life back on track. Today starts day 8 for me and I feel great. Not 100% back to pre-opiate normal but close. The urge is there, just like the urge to smoke when you have quit but it is manageable.
When I first though about quitting I would read things on here where people talked about it taking a week or so to feel normal-ish and that seemed like such an eternity as I squirmed under my sheets and tossed and turned but you can get through it. And, if you are reading this with a similar usage level and duration as I had, then seriously think about stopping now. Because, as lots of people around here will tell you, it will only get harder.
Thanks to everyone who posts here and good luck to everyone.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Hi Louis,
Great story. We need to hear more success stories like yours on this forum.
Congrats on your relatively "easy" withdrawal, although for many people "easy" means not getting sick AT ALL EVER, which may be part of an addictive nature to begin with, but cut yourself some slack on this. You had to suffer to quit, and that takes determination to get clean.
Anyone who enters withdrawal expecting a "free ride" gets knocked down quick, so you are a good example of someone who did not expect that at all, took your relative easy as the luck of the draw, and here you are. You probably already figured out that if you remained addicted for another year or more, you would have had a worse time of it.
So, folks -- take heed from Louis. Expect the worst, be happy if you get the "best", and move on with your recovery. Louis, I think you will feel even better as the weeks go by, and you'll realize that as normal as you feel now, the "best" in this regard is also to come!
Congrats again!
FT
Great story. We need to hear more success stories like yours on this forum.
Congrats on your relatively "easy" withdrawal, although for many people "easy" means not getting sick AT ALL EVER, which may be part of an addictive nature to begin with, but cut yourself some slack on this. You had to suffer to quit, and that takes determination to get clean.
Anyone who enters withdrawal expecting a "free ride" gets knocked down quick, so you are a good example of someone who did not expect that at all, took your relative easy as the luck of the draw, and here you are. You probably already figured out that if you remained addicted for another year or more, you would have had a worse time of it.
So, folks -- take heed from Louis. Expect the worst, be happy if you get the "best", and move on with your recovery. Louis, I think you will feel even better as the weeks go by, and you'll realize that as normal as you feel now, the "best" in this regard is also to come!
Congrats again!
FT
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 49
Thanks for the words of encouragement, I do think you are right in that I will just keep feeling better. I went to the gym today, had a great day at work and generally was more productive than I have been in months. It is a great feeling but I know I dodged the worst of it. The only downside it the occasional craving when I get bored but thankfully I have enough energy to find something to do to take my mind off of it.
And yes, I am very thankful that I wrestled it down before it got any worse. A year was long enough to develop an addiction to be sure but I know it could have been much worse at higher doses or over a long period of time. There is just so much beauty in the world, it is a shame to lose track of that in an opiate haze. Even my problems seem so much more surmountable now that I have the energy and acuity of thought to address them. And hell, we all have problems that could use a little addressing from time to time.
Best of luck everyone!
And yes, I am very thankful that I wrestled it down before it got any worse. A year was long enough to develop an addiction to be sure but I know it could have been much worse at higher doses or over a long period of time. There is just so much beauty in the world, it is a shame to lose track of that in an opiate haze. Even my problems seem so much more surmountable now that I have the energy and acuity of thought to address them. And hell, we all have problems that could use a little addressing from time to time.
Best of luck everyone!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Illinois
Posts: 19
Hi Louis ...Great job! I too suffer from anxieties and am on clonazepam (sp?) and depression (meds for that too) but when I lost my job and couldn't get scripts for meds I resorted to stealing DH's norcos that he has for medical reasons. I have gone through withdrawls from Oxy (he was on that for awhile) and they were terrible. I'm hoping and praying that the Norco 10mgs 2x's day for about 3 weeks won't be as bad. I'm a recovering alkie too (my drug of choice) with almost 2 years sober and planning to go to first AA in a loooooooong time tonight. I know it will help with the desire to drink as well as desire to take norco. They all help us escape reality and deal with stresses and for me low self confidence. Best of luck to you and congrats on decision to give it up. Keep us posted on progress please and I'm also glad withdrawls weren't too bad for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 49
Hey justbeme,
Hang in there. I am not specialist or anything but 2x10mg hydro for three weeks seems like it should be relatively "easy" to get over. I realize that a past history with opiates will complicate that but I think you have a good chance of getting out now without too much withdrawal pain. But, this is just my totally uneducated opinion.
For me anyway, the physical part was unpleasant but the real bear was the anxiety spikes, listlessness and boredom. The low dose of clonazepam and a little weed really helped with that. Like I mentioned earlier, I am not much of a pot smoker but a few puffs before bed helped me get some sleep and to hear people tell it on here (and from my own experience), after the first few days, the lack of sleep can really get to you.
I am just getting up on day 10 without opiates and I feel good. I had a very productive day yesterday and it is amazing to me how much more lucid and real life feels without an opiate haze to view it through. I mean, for a long time I loved the opiate haze because it seemed like it let me enjoy things more than I even would under norma circumstance. Need to go hangout with my 86 year old grand parent for 3 hours, no problem! Sit in the same place and read for 4 hours, I got it. Endure a party full of people I don't know well and like even less, bring it on! That was how opiates helped control my anxiety... for a while.
But, we all know that they are not a viable "lifestyle" drug. They are classic case of diminishing returns, from a psychological standpoint. I do have some chronic pain issues, but I am here to tell you that they seem much less worrisome now that I am not taking opiates. I have no idea how opiates cross up the pain receivers in you brain but the early-onset arthritis I have suffered since I was in my 20's is totally bearable without opiates whereas it would get damn uncomfortable unless I was taking hydros, while in the midst of that cycle.
The only problem I am having now is finding something to do with all the time I feel like I have. I am not much of a TV guy and generally pretty active so I am always looking for something to keep me occupied. I swear, since monday, I have worked 14 hour days and woken up at 5:30AM ready to do it all over again. It's just those last two or three hours before I need to go to bed that I find myself having a hard time filling. I am not prompted to take hydros or anything but "winding down" is a real issue. Part of me wants to sit outside with a beer but I found that while I was taking opiates that alcohol really made my anxiety level increase the next day. And if I got good and drunk then I was a basket case for days. But, I have always been one prone to a night of binge drinking followed by a few weeks of total sobriety. I'm just not one of those folks who has 3 beers or glasses of wine a night and goes to bed. 3 beers makes me want to drink 3 more so I just prefer to keep the cow in the barn because of the aforementioned anxiety that follows and the mother-of-all hangovers that I get now that I am in my late 30's.
Too bad, because I do enjoy the drink, it just doesn't sit well with my body chemistry. All this is a long way of saying that the "worst" parts of me, at this point, are the times when I am not busy. And by "worst" I just mean boring. It's nothing insurmountable, it's just a drag waiting to go to bed so I can get started with the next day. I have always had a problem turning myself off in that sense and saying "you did 10,12,14 hours of good work today, now go chill out and feel good about yourself." In some ways I think this is the healthy part of anxiety and something that anti-anxiety medicine helps me to channel because it keeps it from spiking and becoming debilitating but instead serves as a great motivator.
Anyway, best of luck. You can get through it if you want to but that is easier said than done. Sounds to me though, like you are on the right track.
Hang in there. I am not specialist or anything but 2x10mg hydro for three weeks seems like it should be relatively "easy" to get over. I realize that a past history with opiates will complicate that but I think you have a good chance of getting out now without too much withdrawal pain. But, this is just my totally uneducated opinion.
For me anyway, the physical part was unpleasant but the real bear was the anxiety spikes, listlessness and boredom. The low dose of clonazepam and a little weed really helped with that. Like I mentioned earlier, I am not much of a pot smoker but a few puffs before bed helped me get some sleep and to hear people tell it on here (and from my own experience), after the first few days, the lack of sleep can really get to you.
I am just getting up on day 10 without opiates and I feel good. I had a very productive day yesterday and it is amazing to me how much more lucid and real life feels without an opiate haze to view it through. I mean, for a long time I loved the opiate haze because it seemed like it let me enjoy things more than I even would under norma circumstance. Need to go hangout with my 86 year old grand parent for 3 hours, no problem! Sit in the same place and read for 4 hours, I got it. Endure a party full of people I don't know well and like even less, bring it on! That was how opiates helped control my anxiety... for a while.
But, we all know that they are not a viable "lifestyle" drug. They are classic case of diminishing returns, from a psychological standpoint. I do have some chronic pain issues, but I am here to tell you that they seem much less worrisome now that I am not taking opiates. I have no idea how opiates cross up the pain receivers in you brain but the early-onset arthritis I have suffered since I was in my 20's is totally bearable without opiates whereas it would get damn uncomfortable unless I was taking hydros, while in the midst of that cycle.
The only problem I am having now is finding something to do with all the time I feel like I have. I am not much of a TV guy and generally pretty active so I am always looking for something to keep me occupied. I swear, since monday, I have worked 14 hour days and woken up at 5:30AM ready to do it all over again. It's just those last two or three hours before I need to go to bed that I find myself having a hard time filling. I am not prompted to take hydros or anything but "winding down" is a real issue. Part of me wants to sit outside with a beer but I found that while I was taking opiates that alcohol really made my anxiety level increase the next day. And if I got good and drunk then I was a basket case for days. But, I have always been one prone to a night of binge drinking followed by a few weeks of total sobriety. I'm just not one of those folks who has 3 beers or glasses of wine a night and goes to bed. 3 beers makes me want to drink 3 more so I just prefer to keep the cow in the barn because of the aforementioned anxiety that follows and the mother-of-all hangovers that I get now that I am in my late 30's.
Too bad, because I do enjoy the drink, it just doesn't sit well with my body chemistry. All this is a long way of saying that the "worst" parts of me, at this point, are the times when I am not busy. And by "worst" I just mean boring. It's nothing insurmountable, it's just a drag waiting to go to bed so I can get started with the next day. I have always had a problem turning myself off in that sense and saying "you did 10,12,14 hours of good work today, now go chill out and feel good about yourself." In some ways I think this is the healthy part of anxiety and something that anti-anxiety medicine helps me to channel because it keeps it from spiking and becoming debilitating but instead serves as a great motivator.
Anyway, best of luck. You can get through it if you want to but that is easier said than done. Sounds to me though, like you are on the right track.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Sacramento, California
Posts: 42
Hey louisdq, just wanted to say great job! Wow you've got such a great attitude, that's what it takes to beat this thing..... I'm kicking pain pills too and almost have a week now, finally! Great to read your post, you are some success story! Thanks for posting!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Illinois
Posts: 19
Your posts give me courage and more of a positive outlook on kickin this addiction in the butt. This is only the morning of day 2 so I'm not feeling too bad yet. Went through this before and it SUCKED but at least I know what to be prepared for if it goes that way again. I remember when I first quit drinking and about a month later got what aa calls "the pink cloud"..it doesn't last forever but it is when your body and mind is finally clear of the alcohol and everything (trees, the sky..I very much a nature person) became so clear and bright and alive looking. Hope I get something similiar after drugs are out of system. The Natural High and Serenity of Life. Thanks for your encouraging posts.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 49
Hey Justbeme and Jennybeth,
Thanks for the kind words. I am glad my little story could offer some solace. It is the least I can do after all the help that this board has been for me.
Today was a somewhat difficult day but for all too predictable reasons. I went out with friends last night after working 6 12 hour days and tied one on. I didn't go hog-wild or anything but I certainly got drunk with my pals. And, honestly, I think I deserved it. Booze has never been a problem for me. I go weeks without a drop and my hangovers have gotten so bad that it is sort of self-regulating. But, I did wake up with a hangover, not a monster one, but a hangover none the less. A few weeks ago I would have doubled up my hydro dose and settled in for a long day of ordering chinese food and watching TV.
I even had access to some hydros but I chose not to take them and instead made myself do the things I used to do when I had over-indulged before I was popping pills. I met a friend for a greasy breakfast and tried to do a few, low-intensity productive things. And now it is the end of the 11th day without opiates and I am proud of myself for having just muddled through like a normal person.
It was a good test for me. I found that after the first four days of withdrawal that I felt pretty darn good but I wondered how I would react the next time I felt rotten, even if that rottenness was self-inflicted. And I can say that my hangover seemed much less intense for not having been popping hydro through the drinking binge. I know they are hell on your liver so maybe that had something to do with it. Maybe I controlled myself a bit more because only one substance was coursing through my blood stream. Who knows. I understand that many on this board will probably not view a hangover as some sort of triumph but to me it seems like an encouraging sign that my life is returning to normal. I can cut up and accept the consequences and not bury my head in opiates just because my head hurts from taking that extra shot.
Anyway, I am excited about tomorrow. I have lots of things to do that I am looking forward to attacking with a clear head and after having let off some steam. My mind set, post pills, is so positive in general that I feel like I have a firm grip on the reigns of my future. I can't say if giving up pills is what make me want to make some big life changes or if the desire for a new and more focused direction in life is what prompted me to want to give up pills but it seems like the stone is rolling down the right side of the hill and gathering speed with each passing day.
To be honest, I am still gnawed at by the desire for some recreational drug or some escape once I have finished off a long and happy day but I know that doing so would prevent the next day from being equally rewarding. So, I guess I;ll go drink with my friends every once in a while but otherwise have to wrestle with the down time in a healthy way. It is just the few hours after I have finished whatever project I am working on and before I go to bed that trouble me. They say that idle hands are the devil's workshop but it seems to me that I need have some idle time at this point in my recovery in order to not overdo it and then gin up some excuse to pop a pill. What I mean is, that now that my life seems so much more within my control I don't want to abuse even the good parts by too active; I need to give myself time to simply relax and that is proving to be the most difficult thing. Don't get me wrong, I am not seriously tempted to seek out some pills, I just find myself around 7PM wondering what I am going to do that is not productive just so I don't exhaust myself and ruin the good run I am on.
Anyway, so far, so good. And yeah, as odd as it sounds, an honest, old-fashioned hangover, may have been just the thing I needed to let me know that I am going to be okay.
Thanks for the kind words. I am glad my little story could offer some solace. It is the least I can do after all the help that this board has been for me.
Today was a somewhat difficult day but for all too predictable reasons. I went out with friends last night after working 6 12 hour days and tied one on. I didn't go hog-wild or anything but I certainly got drunk with my pals. And, honestly, I think I deserved it. Booze has never been a problem for me. I go weeks without a drop and my hangovers have gotten so bad that it is sort of self-regulating. But, I did wake up with a hangover, not a monster one, but a hangover none the less. A few weeks ago I would have doubled up my hydro dose and settled in for a long day of ordering chinese food and watching TV.
I even had access to some hydros but I chose not to take them and instead made myself do the things I used to do when I had over-indulged before I was popping pills. I met a friend for a greasy breakfast and tried to do a few, low-intensity productive things. And now it is the end of the 11th day without opiates and I am proud of myself for having just muddled through like a normal person.
It was a good test for me. I found that after the first four days of withdrawal that I felt pretty darn good but I wondered how I would react the next time I felt rotten, even if that rottenness was self-inflicted. And I can say that my hangover seemed much less intense for not having been popping hydro through the drinking binge. I know they are hell on your liver so maybe that had something to do with it. Maybe I controlled myself a bit more because only one substance was coursing through my blood stream. Who knows. I understand that many on this board will probably not view a hangover as some sort of triumph but to me it seems like an encouraging sign that my life is returning to normal. I can cut up and accept the consequences and not bury my head in opiates just because my head hurts from taking that extra shot.
Anyway, I am excited about tomorrow. I have lots of things to do that I am looking forward to attacking with a clear head and after having let off some steam. My mind set, post pills, is so positive in general that I feel like I have a firm grip on the reigns of my future. I can't say if giving up pills is what make me want to make some big life changes or if the desire for a new and more focused direction in life is what prompted me to want to give up pills but it seems like the stone is rolling down the right side of the hill and gathering speed with each passing day.
To be honest, I am still gnawed at by the desire for some recreational drug or some escape once I have finished off a long and happy day but I know that doing so would prevent the next day from being equally rewarding. So, I guess I;ll go drink with my friends every once in a while but otherwise have to wrestle with the down time in a healthy way. It is just the few hours after I have finished whatever project I am working on and before I go to bed that trouble me. They say that idle hands are the devil's workshop but it seems to me that I need have some idle time at this point in my recovery in order to not overdo it and then gin up some excuse to pop a pill. What I mean is, that now that my life seems so much more within my control I don't want to abuse even the good parts by too active; I need to give myself time to simply relax and that is proving to be the most difficult thing. Don't get me wrong, I am not seriously tempted to seek out some pills, I just find myself around 7PM wondering what I am going to do that is not productive just so I don't exhaust myself and ruin the good run I am on.
Anyway, so far, so good. And yeah, as odd as it sounds, an honest, old-fashioned hangover, may have been just the thing I needed to let me know that I am going to be okay.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Hi Louis
Welcome
I felt that way too - that's why, when I got off marijuana after being a daily regular smoker for 20 years, I upped my alcohol intake and became an all day everyday alcoholic for the next ten years....
Cross addiction is something I think you need to think about - there's quite an array of drugs you're mentioning here - all seem pretty much to help you do things whether it's sleep, or be relaxed, or celebrate, or reward yourself....it's a familiar pattern to me.
I know you're not a 12 step guy - neither am I - but I also know I needed to work on why I felt the need for helpers, or why I felt the need to get high and escape before I could really permanently change my life for the better.
I'm not against prescription drugs taken as directed - I have to take certain meds myself for quality of life - but I know the difference now between a genuine need and that gnawing at play.
I don't know what you're taking as prescribed and frankly it's none of my business - but I do know that alcohol and pot were bad enough to destroy me twice over because I was too busy looking the other way.
Just ...be careful man.
D
Welcome
To be honest, I am still gnawed at by the desire for some recreational drug or some escape once I have finished off a long and happy day
Cross addiction is something I think you need to think about - there's quite an array of drugs you're mentioning here - all seem pretty much to help you do things whether it's sleep, or be relaxed, or celebrate, or reward yourself....it's a familiar pattern to me.
I know you're not a 12 step guy - neither am I - but I also know I needed to work on why I felt the need for helpers, or why I felt the need to get high and escape before I could really permanently change my life for the better.
I'm not against prescription drugs taken as directed - I have to take certain meds myself for quality of life - but I know the difference now between a genuine need and that gnawing at play.
I don't know what you're taking as prescribed and frankly it's none of my business - but I do know that alcohol and pot were bad enough to destroy me twice over because I was too busy looking the other way.
Just ...be careful man.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 49
Hey Dee,
For sure. I hear exactly what you are saying and it is a legit concern of mine. Although, I don't think one toss up every couple of weeks presents a danger to me. I really don't like pot, but I did find it useful for helping me sleep in the beginnings of withdrawal. I still have some around and it did occur to me to smoke a little today to pass the time but then I thought, nah... because I'd have to be stoned and I just don't really enjoy being stoned.
However, I do love being drunk. But, I have always considered it a brutal blessing that I have such bad hangovers. Not that I would want to be one of those guys who "you don't call after 5PM" but because I just enjoy being clear headed and feeling good. I know the price I will pay when I tie one on and I accept it as the price of a ticket to ride. I just don't get on the train very often.
As far as prescriptions that I am on, I have no secrets. I take some non-narcotic pain relievers for early on set arthritis (which bothers me much less when I don't drink which is another reason I avoid my otherwise beloved brown liquor) and I take Buspar for general anxiety and clonazepam. The later I realize is the real trick in this equation because of the addictive nature of benzos but I take them at below the prescribed does. My docs say .5mg every 8 hours and I generally take one mid-morning and one in the evening. But, I want to stop them as well or just use them for break out anxiety because.... well, I don't want to get hooked. Although, I should say that I have never gotten any of the euphoria from benzos that some people describe, but I have never really dosed myself up with them either.
All that said, I appreciate your warning and would like to say that I am well aware of the pitfalls. Maybe I am kidding myself but I think I am using the clonazepam to handle the residual post-opiate anxiety and will be done with it before my prescription needs to be refilled. I mean, this whole process is about learning how to live in your own skin and what you can take and what you can't. So, I know the hangover-as-epiphany thing sounds a little odd or even delusional but only time will tell. If I am dragging myself around with an ice pack on my head mid-week then yeah, I am off on the wrong track but I have been a social drinker for years, albeit one who likes to get tossed when I do drink but, just as an example, I have had a bottle of tequila on my desk that I brought back from Mexico a few months ago, really premium stuff, and it has never once crossed my mind to crack it open. Like, I don't even think about it; it might as well be a lamp.
But, I hear what you are saying and I am watching myself and trying to stay accountable to myself. I think that the relatively effortless passing up of hydros while in the midst of a honestly-gotten pounder is a pretty good sign, but I can see how that might be viewed with skepticism.
For sure. I hear exactly what you are saying and it is a legit concern of mine. Although, I don't think one toss up every couple of weeks presents a danger to me. I really don't like pot, but I did find it useful for helping me sleep in the beginnings of withdrawal. I still have some around and it did occur to me to smoke a little today to pass the time but then I thought, nah... because I'd have to be stoned and I just don't really enjoy being stoned.
However, I do love being drunk. But, I have always considered it a brutal blessing that I have such bad hangovers. Not that I would want to be one of those guys who "you don't call after 5PM" but because I just enjoy being clear headed and feeling good. I know the price I will pay when I tie one on and I accept it as the price of a ticket to ride. I just don't get on the train very often.
As far as prescriptions that I am on, I have no secrets. I take some non-narcotic pain relievers for early on set arthritis (which bothers me much less when I don't drink which is another reason I avoid my otherwise beloved brown liquor) and I take Buspar for general anxiety and clonazepam. The later I realize is the real trick in this equation because of the addictive nature of benzos but I take them at below the prescribed does. My docs say .5mg every 8 hours and I generally take one mid-morning and one in the evening. But, I want to stop them as well or just use them for break out anxiety because.... well, I don't want to get hooked. Although, I should say that I have never gotten any of the euphoria from benzos that some people describe, but I have never really dosed myself up with them either.
All that said, I appreciate your warning and would like to say that I am well aware of the pitfalls. Maybe I am kidding myself but I think I am using the clonazepam to handle the residual post-opiate anxiety and will be done with it before my prescription needs to be refilled. I mean, this whole process is about learning how to live in your own skin and what you can take and what you can't. So, I know the hangover-as-epiphany thing sounds a little odd or even delusional but only time will tell. If I am dragging myself around with an ice pack on my head mid-week then yeah, I am off on the wrong track but I have been a social drinker for years, albeit one who likes to get tossed when I do drink but, just as an example, I have had a bottle of tequila on my desk that I brought back from Mexico a few months ago, really premium stuff, and it has never once crossed my mind to crack it open. Like, I don't even think about it; it might as well be a lamp.
But, I hear what you are saying and I am watching myself and trying to stay accountable to myself. I think that the relatively effortless passing up of hydros while in the midst of a honestly-gotten pounder is a pretty good sign, but I can see how that might be viewed with skepticism.
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Join Date: Apr 2011
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I thought I would give everyone who was interested in the course of a hydro addiction recovery a little update on my situation. This thread lays it out pretty much. Now I am on day 14 since I have taken any opiates and things are good. My energy level is high, I am productive and sleeping well.
The only issue that remains for me is the occasional boredom. I enjoy work but I can only do some many productive things in a day before I run out of steam. It is at this point that I long for the easy release of opiates. Mind you, I am not tempted to take any. I have even been offered some, but adjusting back to a normal life just takes time. I'd rather not watch TV. I'd rather not go have a few beers with friends. I'd rather be productively occupied but I do worry that if I put in more than a 10 or 12 hour day that I will just burn myself out in the post-opiate, I beat this things euphoria and slip up or something. I can't really imagine how it would happen as the physical craving is totally gone; just the mental itch to shut off for a while remains. I guess that is why the average american watches 40 hours of TV a week. I found myself building excel spreadsheets at 11PM last night just to have something to do. Not that it didn't need to be done, but a engrossing hobby like building model ships in bottles or learning to juggle might be the trick.
I hope I don't seem glum, because I am not. Things are great and I feel more in control of my life than I have in a year. All of which seemed so impossible two weeks ago. I guess the moral of this story is that if you can tough it out through the first few days of withdrawal and you happen to catch an easy break of it, as I did, then the worst you have to look forward to is being a little bored. And I'll take bored over glassy-eyed, anxious and spending too much money any day.
I hope you all are well and finding your way clear.
The only issue that remains for me is the occasional boredom. I enjoy work but I can only do some many productive things in a day before I run out of steam. It is at this point that I long for the easy release of opiates. Mind you, I am not tempted to take any. I have even been offered some, but adjusting back to a normal life just takes time. I'd rather not watch TV. I'd rather not go have a few beers with friends. I'd rather be productively occupied but I do worry that if I put in more than a 10 or 12 hour day that I will just burn myself out in the post-opiate, I beat this things euphoria and slip up or something. I can't really imagine how it would happen as the physical craving is totally gone; just the mental itch to shut off for a while remains. I guess that is why the average american watches 40 hours of TV a week. I found myself building excel spreadsheets at 11PM last night just to have something to do. Not that it didn't need to be done, but a engrossing hobby like building model ships in bottles or learning to juggle might be the trick.
I hope I don't seem glum, because I am not. Things are great and I feel more in control of my life than I have in a year. All of which seemed so impossible two weeks ago. I guess the moral of this story is that if you can tough it out through the first few days of withdrawal and you happen to catch an easy break of it, as I did, then the worst you have to look forward to is being a little bored. And I'll take bored over glassy-eyed, anxious and spending too much money any day.
I hope you all are well and finding your way clear.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
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I'm not sure why no one else is answering you, and I probably shouldn't either. You are obviously intelligent and well versed, and you have said some really good things on other threads.
I guess what is bothering me is that you have a pretty cavalier attitude about "tossing one back", which on it face would seem to suggest some light social drinking, but what you describe is an out and out binge. Drinking to the point of getting wasted and being sick the next day from a hangover doesn't sound like "social drinking".
Since this is a recovery site, I was delighted by your first post that sounded like a show of strength and determination to get clean from opiates. I still applaud that effort, I really do. But I have to admit that your drinking scares me. It sounds like you do fine until you decide it is time to reward yourself for working so hard, and once you get started, the "off" button does not work.
I would hope you could take a long look at why that is. And why getting wasted is a reward to you.
I really wish you well, and I don't want to come off as sounding harsh. It's just that, on a recovery site, most of the folks here are trying to get off substances and not find substitute ones to help us cope with life.
FT
I guess what is bothering me is that you have a pretty cavalier attitude about "tossing one back", which on it face would seem to suggest some light social drinking, but what you describe is an out and out binge. Drinking to the point of getting wasted and being sick the next day from a hangover doesn't sound like "social drinking".
Since this is a recovery site, I was delighted by your first post that sounded like a show of strength and determination to get clean from opiates. I still applaud that effort, I really do. But I have to admit that your drinking scares me. It sounds like you do fine until you decide it is time to reward yourself for working so hard, and once you get started, the "off" button does not work.
I would hope you could take a long look at why that is. And why getting wasted is a reward to you.
I really wish you well, and I don't want to come off as sounding harsh. It's just that, on a recovery site, most of the folks here are trying to get off substances and not find substitute ones to help us cope with life.
FT
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Join Date: Apr 2011
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Yeah, fair enough. Although I didn't drink to the point of getting sick, I just felt sluggish the next day. I don't think drinking has ever been a problem for me but I understand if people would prefer I not mention it.
I did not so much view it as a reward, per-say, but as just going along with the course of the evening. I wasn't waiting to be finished with a week of work so that I could get drunk. I went drinking with friends and I felt the effects the next day.
My personal experience with alcohol are that I enjoy drinking but not very frequently but when I do, I tend to pay the price. Others could probably drink the same amount and not be too troubled by it, but it just makes me feel slow and greasy. But, I get your point and I wasn't trying to trumpet my night out as an example of a good thing so much as rather normal night out which I would have typically followed the next day with hydros and I didn't. That was the point but maybe I just didn't explain it explain it clearly.
I appreciate your insight, honesty and humor in your posts and I hope that I don't fall too far in your estimation. My choice in posting on this thread again was to try to give others some insight into the arc of the thing as I experienced it. On a side note, a guy just rode by where I am sitting and offered my two hydros. Ha, what a world. I turned him down of course and without any temptation but it goes to show that the opportunity is always there.
I have always had a hard time filling the hours between work and sleep. I don't exactly dread them but they have bedeviled me my whole adult life. That said, I have never been one to crack a beer or smoke weed to fill those hours. I just generally complain about it and wait for a suitable hour to go to sleep.
But, to your original point. Yes, I have always been a binge drinker. One hard night and then a week or two off. As I have aged, the prospect of those nights and the headaches the next day have lost some of their appeal but I would be lying to myself if I said I had seem my last hangover. But, again, I don't wear it as a badge of pride and if you think it would be best not to discuss here then I can respect that.
I did not so much view it as a reward, per-say, but as just going along with the course of the evening. I wasn't waiting to be finished with a week of work so that I could get drunk. I went drinking with friends and I felt the effects the next day.
My personal experience with alcohol are that I enjoy drinking but not very frequently but when I do, I tend to pay the price. Others could probably drink the same amount and not be too troubled by it, but it just makes me feel slow and greasy. But, I get your point and I wasn't trying to trumpet my night out as an example of a good thing so much as rather normal night out which I would have typically followed the next day with hydros and I didn't. That was the point but maybe I just didn't explain it explain it clearly.
I appreciate your insight, honesty and humor in your posts and I hope that I don't fall too far in your estimation. My choice in posting on this thread again was to try to give others some insight into the arc of the thing as I experienced it. On a side note, a guy just rode by where I am sitting and offered my two hydros. Ha, what a world. I turned him down of course and without any temptation but it goes to show that the opportunity is always there.
I have always had a hard time filling the hours between work and sleep. I don't exactly dread them but they have bedeviled me my whole adult life. That said, I have never been one to crack a beer or smoke weed to fill those hours. I just generally complain about it and wait for a suitable hour to go to sleep.
But, to your original point. Yes, I have always been a binge drinker. One hard night and then a week or two off. As I have aged, the prospect of those nights and the headaches the next day have lost some of their appeal but I would be lying to myself if I said I had seem my last hangover. But, again, I don't wear it as a badge of pride and if you think it would be best not to discuss here then I can respect that.
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There is no way I could ever point fingers at you, believe me. When I was in my early 20's, drinking always ended in being drunk, followed by a hangover that left my head pounding all day long. My pattern was somewhat like yours seems to be -- take it or leave it, but when I tied one on, I knew how to do it. I experimented with whatever drugs were around then, too, but none ever became habitual for me.
Over the years, the binges disappeared and were replaced by more frequent, and later daily, drinking. I found that eventually drinking DID become a problem, and I had to stop. It was a deliberate, tough it out after many failed tries, kind of stopping.
I probably would have kept smoking pot if my husband didn't dislike it so much. He always needed to drink more to take the edge off the pot. Ha! Well, we just stuck to the alcohol. We both just got tired of depending on it to relax, and by that time it was no easy quit. But quit we did.
We are not the type that frown on others drinking around us, and never have been. Drunks don't amuse me, though, and I just find them obnoxious. But parties with drinks, etc., don't bother us at all. We are just among the non drinkers of the group.
I must admit I still love the smell of pot. I always have. But I am in a profession that drug tests, so pretty much any drug is out. Plus, the "new pot" is not the same as the stuff I grew in my backyard in the 70's.
Back to you. Nah. Your drinking doesn't bother me so much, expect I just wanted to warn you what can happen after binge drinking loses its appeal, and to watch out for using alcohol as a reward. I did that, and it went sour on me.
That said, the opiates seem to be far more difficult to pry off our backs, even though as I said the alcohol quitting was no easy deal. I got addicted to oxys with ortho surgery, but it was my own fault. I knew way before I quit that I shouldn't be taking them to relax or relieve depression, or whatever. Big mistake, and this time it was so hard to stop I wasn't sure I could.
So, I don't want to spoil your success there! It is still early on for you, so just keep it in your head that the OX is one HELL of a heavy monkey on your back, and best shed as fast as possible.
Just be careful on the drinking. Here on this recovery site, people get to share their experiences, even if they don't meet the "recommended" way to do stuff. Other guys here share your view about social drinking, and even though they get some flack, there is a point to be made that not EVERYONE who drinks is an alcoholic. It is far more difficult to make that point with opiates, and your message in that regard is a very welcome one.
So, good luck, keep going, and don't let me deter your posting!
FT
Over the years, the binges disappeared and were replaced by more frequent, and later daily, drinking. I found that eventually drinking DID become a problem, and I had to stop. It was a deliberate, tough it out after many failed tries, kind of stopping.
I probably would have kept smoking pot if my husband didn't dislike it so much. He always needed to drink more to take the edge off the pot. Ha! Well, we just stuck to the alcohol. We both just got tired of depending on it to relax, and by that time it was no easy quit. But quit we did.
We are not the type that frown on others drinking around us, and never have been. Drunks don't amuse me, though, and I just find them obnoxious. But parties with drinks, etc., don't bother us at all. We are just among the non drinkers of the group.
I must admit I still love the smell of pot. I always have. But I am in a profession that drug tests, so pretty much any drug is out. Plus, the "new pot" is not the same as the stuff I grew in my backyard in the 70's.
Back to you. Nah. Your drinking doesn't bother me so much, expect I just wanted to warn you what can happen after binge drinking loses its appeal, and to watch out for using alcohol as a reward. I did that, and it went sour on me.
That said, the opiates seem to be far more difficult to pry off our backs, even though as I said the alcohol quitting was no easy deal. I got addicted to oxys with ortho surgery, but it was my own fault. I knew way before I quit that I shouldn't be taking them to relax or relieve depression, or whatever. Big mistake, and this time it was so hard to stop I wasn't sure I could.
So, I don't want to spoil your success there! It is still early on for you, so just keep it in your head that the OX is one HELL of a heavy monkey on your back, and best shed as fast as possible.
Just be careful on the drinking. Here on this recovery site, people get to share their experiences, even if they don't meet the "recommended" way to do stuff. Other guys here share your view about social drinking, and even though they get some flack, there is a point to be made that not EVERYONE who drinks is an alcoholic. It is far more difficult to make that point with opiates, and your message in that regard is a very welcome one.
So, good luck, keep going, and don't let me deter your posting!
FT
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: NYC/NJ
Posts: 431
Louis,
Props on quitting the hydro, big guy. Consider yourself lucky that you got out with such a light habit.
You've shown a lot of strength by passing on those opportunities to cop some Vikes. That said, if you are an addict, you can't rely on having that strength all the time. That comes and goes with the wind the longer you are clean. You've gotta tell those people to stop calling you, and get them out of your life.
Right now you're highly motivated as the pain of your addiction is in your very recent past. As time passes, this fades and the lure of getting high increases. During your addiction, your brain created powerful connections that associate opiates with intense pleasure, which is basically like an unconscious survival instinct. The intensity of this drive varies depending on chemical makeup, lifestyle and behavior, and severity and length of previous use.
Therefore, most people that are successful in recovery have a program that they follow on a regular basis to avoid slipping back. Are you working a program? and are you REALLY smoking weed, taking anxiety meds, and drinking? You seem like a nice guy, you're articulate, you showed courage in getting off the Dro's, and I want you to know that addiction is serious business man. a 80 mg hydro addiction is nothing. nothing. but if you don't take this seriously and make some major changes, it will bite you in the as* so much worse than you can imagine. The first year of my addiction I was doing 50 mg a day oxy a day. I quit for months and was fine. i still drank occasionally, wasn't really working a program, sounded pretty much like you actually. 2 years later I was at 400 mg a day. Addiction is insidious, progressive, and sneaks up on you in ways you can't imagine.
Time to get serious bro. PM me if you have any questions, I can give you some tips and suggestions to get you started.
Props on quitting the hydro, big guy. Consider yourself lucky that you got out with such a light habit.
You've shown a lot of strength by passing on those opportunities to cop some Vikes. That said, if you are an addict, you can't rely on having that strength all the time. That comes and goes with the wind the longer you are clean. You've gotta tell those people to stop calling you, and get them out of your life.
Right now you're highly motivated as the pain of your addiction is in your very recent past. As time passes, this fades and the lure of getting high increases. During your addiction, your brain created powerful connections that associate opiates with intense pleasure, which is basically like an unconscious survival instinct. The intensity of this drive varies depending on chemical makeup, lifestyle and behavior, and severity and length of previous use.
Therefore, most people that are successful in recovery have a program that they follow on a regular basis to avoid slipping back. Are you working a program? and are you REALLY smoking weed, taking anxiety meds, and drinking? You seem like a nice guy, you're articulate, you showed courage in getting off the Dro's, and I want you to know that addiction is serious business man. a 80 mg hydro addiction is nothing. nothing. but if you don't take this seriously and make some major changes, it will bite you in the as* so much worse than you can imagine. The first year of my addiction I was doing 50 mg a day oxy a day. I quit for months and was fine. i still drank occasionally, wasn't really working a program, sounded pretty much like you actually. 2 years later I was at 400 mg a day. Addiction is insidious, progressive, and sneaks up on you in ways you can't imagine.
Time to get serious bro. PM me if you have any questions, I can give you some tips and suggestions to get you started.
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 49
Hey Stride,
Yeah, I realize that an 80+mg hydro habit over a year is nothing compared to what some people on here get themselves into. But, my original reason for posting was to try to encourage other "light" users to stop while they could and lay out how it happened to me. Because, as useful as this board is, I found that many of the addiction stories on here were at a level that was way beyond my comprehension yet I knew my body and mind craved the opiates.
Just to clarify. Yes, I did smoke a few hits of weed off a one hitter on the nights of the first three day of withdrawal to help me get to sleep. I found it very helpful but I have not touched the stuff since, even though it is around, just because I am not too partial to weed in general. And yes, I did go out drinking on one night since I stopped taking opiates but it didn't lead to a cascading return to hydros. Again, my aim is to lay out the arc as it has taken me so far because I felt that if I could only partially relate to some of the stories out there because the level of use I had was so much lower then there probably were other readers who felt the same way. Thus, it seemed like a narrative that applied to them might prove helpful. And yes, I am taking anti-anxiety medication, but at below the prescribed dose. On this last point, I will admit some concern. Benzos are nothing to toy around with (even if clonazepam is regarded as "lighter" than xanax or something) and I have no intention of using them as a lifestyle drug like I do Buspar. If I had my way, I'd be off the Buspar too but everything I have read about it and what medical professionals have told me leads me to believe that the later is not habit forming and has far fewer side effects than some of the newer anti-anxiety meds. Heck, I wish I didn't have to take celebrex everyday but I have early onset psoriatic arthritis and that is just the way of it.
But, to your more general point. I am unsure about the dynamics of addiction. FT and I have chimed in on this in another thread and I know it is a topic that comes up and gets chewed over here from time to time. So, I won't beat a dead horse. But, for myself, I don't feel like I will be an addict for my entire life. I feel like I was physically dependent on, as you point out, a moderate dose of opiates and that I had a mental affinity for them but one that I could manage with sufficient will power. Now, I realize that many will say that this is rationalization and until I confront the addiction and acknowledge it for all its power then I am liable to fall back into active use. To that I say, you may be right. I don't pretend to have all the answers with this but I have seen enough of programs and AA and intervention with other folks to have developed a healthy degree of skepticism about them. But, I am not so hubristic as to suggest that their methodology is wrong, it just doesn't jive with my experiences in the world and how I interact with that world.
So, no; I am not working a program and I don't really plan on it in any formal sense. Ha, I guess a program is by definition formal. But, what I have been doing and do plan to continue to do is hold myself accountable for my action, recognize the pitfalls and attractions of opiates and lead my life in way that that I am proud of rather than one mired in a haze that I am ashamed to discuss anywhere but this board.
I appreciate your cautionary tale as I do all of the input and guidance I have received here and I am taking it all in. It is interesting to me how our sense of self can be effected by the typed opinions of those we have never met in person. But, I was honestly bummed last night when I felt like FT was disappointed in me for having gone drinking over the weekend. If I do believe in any part of the "program" style process it is accountability. And, for me, accountability is both to myself and, now anyway, to the people on this board. So, I do take what you are saying as a serious warning about what the future may hold. I am not so vain-glorious to think that the rules don't apply to me (well, maybe I am, I've always had a pretty high opinion of myself... ) but it doesn't feel to me that the future is set in stone or that I am powerless in the face of addiction. I feel that I have choices to make and that I have the ability to make the right ones. As you point out, my habit was lighter than many so maybe I feel this way because I got out early and never saw the depths that some people do. Maybe I am kidding myself. Maybe I am honestly on the right track to a normal life without opiates as a crutch. I can't say which of those is the case, but I can say that time will reveal the answer and that over that span of time I do plan on sharing my experiences here.
Anyway, thanks for your input and for the kind words. The sun is rising on another day without opiates and I am excited to get out in the middle of it and see what I can make happen. I wish the best to you all.
Yeah, I realize that an 80+mg hydro habit over a year is nothing compared to what some people on here get themselves into. But, my original reason for posting was to try to encourage other "light" users to stop while they could and lay out how it happened to me. Because, as useful as this board is, I found that many of the addiction stories on here were at a level that was way beyond my comprehension yet I knew my body and mind craved the opiates.
Just to clarify. Yes, I did smoke a few hits of weed off a one hitter on the nights of the first three day of withdrawal to help me get to sleep. I found it very helpful but I have not touched the stuff since, even though it is around, just because I am not too partial to weed in general. And yes, I did go out drinking on one night since I stopped taking opiates but it didn't lead to a cascading return to hydros. Again, my aim is to lay out the arc as it has taken me so far because I felt that if I could only partially relate to some of the stories out there because the level of use I had was so much lower then there probably were other readers who felt the same way. Thus, it seemed like a narrative that applied to them might prove helpful. And yes, I am taking anti-anxiety medication, but at below the prescribed dose. On this last point, I will admit some concern. Benzos are nothing to toy around with (even if clonazepam is regarded as "lighter" than xanax or something) and I have no intention of using them as a lifestyle drug like I do Buspar. If I had my way, I'd be off the Buspar too but everything I have read about it and what medical professionals have told me leads me to believe that the later is not habit forming and has far fewer side effects than some of the newer anti-anxiety meds. Heck, I wish I didn't have to take celebrex everyday but I have early onset psoriatic arthritis and that is just the way of it.
But, to your more general point. I am unsure about the dynamics of addiction. FT and I have chimed in on this in another thread and I know it is a topic that comes up and gets chewed over here from time to time. So, I won't beat a dead horse. But, for myself, I don't feel like I will be an addict for my entire life. I feel like I was physically dependent on, as you point out, a moderate dose of opiates and that I had a mental affinity for them but one that I could manage with sufficient will power. Now, I realize that many will say that this is rationalization and until I confront the addiction and acknowledge it for all its power then I am liable to fall back into active use. To that I say, you may be right. I don't pretend to have all the answers with this but I have seen enough of programs and AA and intervention with other folks to have developed a healthy degree of skepticism about them. But, I am not so hubristic as to suggest that their methodology is wrong, it just doesn't jive with my experiences in the world and how I interact with that world.
So, no; I am not working a program and I don't really plan on it in any formal sense. Ha, I guess a program is by definition formal. But, what I have been doing and do plan to continue to do is hold myself accountable for my action, recognize the pitfalls and attractions of opiates and lead my life in way that that I am proud of rather than one mired in a haze that I am ashamed to discuss anywhere but this board.
I appreciate your cautionary tale as I do all of the input and guidance I have received here and I am taking it all in. It is interesting to me how our sense of self can be effected by the typed opinions of those we have never met in person. But, I was honestly bummed last night when I felt like FT was disappointed in me for having gone drinking over the weekend. If I do believe in any part of the "program" style process it is accountability. And, for me, accountability is both to myself and, now anyway, to the people on this board. So, I do take what you are saying as a serious warning about what the future may hold. I am not so vain-glorious to think that the rules don't apply to me (well, maybe I am, I've always had a pretty high opinion of myself...
) but it doesn't feel to me that the future is set in stone or that I am powerless in the face of addiction. I feel that I have choices to make and that I have the ability to make the right ones. As you point out, my habit was lighter than many so maybe I feel this way because I got out early and never saw the depths that some people do. Maybe I am kidding myself. Maybe I am honestly on the right track to a normal life without opiates as a crutch. I can't say which of those is the case, but I can say that time will reveal the answer and that over that span of time I do plan on sharing my experiences here. Anyway, thanks for your input and for the kind words. The sun is rising on another day without opiates and I am excited to get out in the middle of it and see what I can make happen. I wish the best to you all.
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