I am so proud of myself today
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: little rock, ar
Posts: 151
I am so proud of myself today
today is the day i have been trying to avoid for the last 3 months...
I had a client, that could not use paypal, and insisted on sending me a large lump sum of money via western union. I couldn't take the dude out of it lol. I knew he was going to send it last night. last night my mind was kinda racing. that's a BIG time trigger for me. Woke up, sure enough confirmation number is in my email.
but you know what.. that overwhelming urge, just wasn't there. I mean, i considered it lol i'd be lying otherwise, but it was just.. a TAD bit easier this time. It was manageable this time.Instead of running to the phone to call the dealer (i did look at the phone a few times) I took out a sheet of paper and wrote down exactly what I was going to spend my money on.
went to WU, go;t the money, paid up my rent, bought food, filled up the gas tank, i even got a freaking netflix account rotfl. I had planned to put back 40 or 50 dollars to take my self to the movies a few times this week. had a little bit more than that.
You ever watch deep impact, and you know how there are two meteors in the movie, the big one and the small one? well, that amount of money i spent,l would have kept me in a hotel room for the rest of the week easily. that was the BIG meteors I felt good a bout it. came home, got some work done, made some more money actually. But, this little nag..
you know.. i can get pretty dang high off 80 dollars lol. it just keep growing and growing and growing and i have made a checklist..i knew at that time i really didn't want to use, i was just anxious, because that's what I do when I X happens. So I have a list of things I do normally that help me combat being anxious. I cooked dinner because i hadn't eaten since breakfast, went for a brief walk, took a shower, cut my music up real loud and got back to work. Lo and behold i have made it through the day and I haven't used! don';t even want to right now. I'm so proud of myself. I'm about to take myself to the movies (seriously i'm not going anywhere else lol).
As high as I would have been, nothing beats, just being a freaking normal human being.
I"m telling you if I can do this, man this is possible. Just keep trying until it works for you
I had a client, that could not use paypal, and insisted on sending me a large lump sum of money via western union. I couldn't take the dude out of it lol. I knew he was going to send it last night. last night my mind was kinda racing. that's a BIG time trigger for me. Woke up, sure enough confirmation number is in my email.
but you know what.. that overwhelming urge, just wasn't there. I mean, i considered it lol i'd be lying otherwise, but it was just.. a TAD bit easier this time. It was manageable this time.Instead of running to the phone to call the dealer (i did look at the phone a few times) I took out a sheet of paper and wrote down exactly what I was going to spend my money on.
went to WU, go;t the money, paid up my rent, bought food, filled up the gas tank, i even got a freaking netflix account rotfl. I had planned to put back 40 or 50 dollars to take my self to the movies a few times this week. had a little bit more than that.
You ever watch deep impact, and you know how there are two meteors in the movie, the big one and the small one? well, that amount of money i spent,l would have kept me in a hotel room for the rest of the week easily. that was the BIG meteors I felt good a bout it. came home, got some work done, made some more money actually. But, this little nag..
you know.. i can get pretty dang high off 80 dollars lol. it just keep growing and growing and growing and i have made a checklist..i knew at that time i really didn't want to use, i was just anxious, because that's what I do when I X happens. So I have a list of things I do normally that help me combat being anxious. I cooked dinner because i hadn't eaten since breakfast, went for a brief walk, took a shower, cut my music up real loud and got back to work. Lo and behold i have made it through the day and I haven't used! don';t even want to right now. I'm so proud of myself. I'm about to take myself to the movies (seriously i'm not going anywhere else lol).
As high as I would have been, nothing beats, just being a freaking normal human being.
I"m telling you if I can do this, man this is possible. Just keep trying until it works for you
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Guelph, Ontario
Posts: 640
Good for you!! I don't know what I would do with that kind of money. I've been clean for a while but sometimes I get like $5 and I think of what can I get with that. It's weird I still think like that but I hope if I had money I would do the right thing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: little rock, ar
Posts: 151
I did things this time around a little bit differently than I have in the past. this isn't my first rodeo or my longest, but it's probably my, no it is the best clean time I have had if that makes sense. I had 8 and 6 months before. the 6 month one honestly, i was better off using, and I'm not exaggerating I was that emotionally tore up.
For me, and this is just me. first time i went through, went to chem free for like half a year. went to AA meetings out the you know what, did everything suggested of me. Somehow I was able to block these feelings, but the first time I got hit with some real feelings, of hurt, i couldn't make it to my dealer fast enough. this was 8 months clean a few days from being 9.
6 months time my sponsor basically told me he didn't want to deal with me, not really for anything I had done,l but because i was being in inconvenience. i creid like a girl and a few weeks later relapsed.
after this time i said you know what, either i am going to screw up, or i'm not but this time, i'm not going to put my recovery in anyone Else's hands. I'll be damned if i'm 8 months clean again and afraid to have money in mjy pocket or go certain places. I had to learn to live, by myself. on my own too feet. That i knew for me at least, was the key to not using again. not running to a sponsor every time I had a boo boo, dealing with my own crap on life terms and not picking up.
extremely tough at first. it's been some times that i came damn, damn close to releasing. But I always found a way not to, new coping skills, new focus,and I feel that in the long run i'm better for it. But where i am now, honestly i am light years ahead of where i was in my first two stints. i hate to say it, but it's almost like those stop-start relapses were worth it almost just to get my feet on solid ground and learn to deal with things without using. Because at the end of the day that is what this is all about. Dealing with things, good things, bad things, without using.
For me, and this is just me. first time i went through, went to chem free for like half a year. went to AA meetings out the you know what, did everything suggested of me. Somehow I was able to block these feelings, but the first time I got hit with some real feelings, of hurt, i couldn't make it to my dealer fast enough. this was 8 months clean a few days from being 9.
6 months time my sponsor basically told me he didn't want to deal with me, not really for anything I had done,l but because i was being in inconvenience. i creid like a girl and a few weeks later relapsed.
after this time i said you know what, either i am going to screw up, or i'm not but this time, i'm not going to put my recovery in anyone Else's hands. I'll be damned if i'm 8 months clean again and afraid to have money in mjy pocket or go certain places. I had to learn to live, by myself. on my own too feet. That i knew for me at least, was the key to not using again. not running to a sponsor every time I had a boo boo, dealing with my own crap on life terms and not picking up.
extremely tough at first. it's been some times that i came damn, damn close to releasing. But I always found a way not to, new coping skills, new focus,and I feel that in the long run i'm better for it. But where i am now, honestly i am light years ahead of where i was in my first two stints. i hate to say it, but it's almost like those stop-start relapses were worth it almost just to get my feet on solid ground and learn to deal with things without using. Because at the end of the day that is what this is all about. Dealing with things, good things, bad things, without using.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Trappeshot))) - way to go!!! I understand the money trigger. I was awarded a settlement (not huge, but more than I made this past year on minimum wage) a couple years ago, and yeah, the thought "hmmm, I could be in a hotel room and smoke a LOT of crack" came up, but just for a second and my "not an option...next" way of distracting myself kicked in.
I paid off some bills, set up appts. for my cats and got them checked up at the vet's, got the car fixed where I'd run into the back of someone, and still had enough in savings that I could help out dad when our septic tank died a month later.
I was always irresponsible with money, even when I made 5 times what I make now. Somehow, recovery has taught me responsibility
Don't it feel good when you think of what you've accomplished, go to sleep at night, and don't have to start back at day 1 the next morning?
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I paid off some bills, set up appts. for my cats and got them checked up at the vet's, got the car fixed where I'd run into the back of someone, and still had enough in savings that I could help out dad when our septic tank died a month later.
I was always irresponsible with money, even when I made 5 times what I make now. Somehow, recovery has taught me responsibility
Don't it feel good when you think of what you've accomplished, go to sleep at night, and don't have to start back at day 1 the next morning?Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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