Mom is deconstructing and I don't know what to do
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 4
Mom is deconstructing and I don't know what to do
Hello,
I happened across this site completely by accident, so I hope I'm in the right place. But I am lost and I don't know what to do. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
My mother is an addict. She's mostly an alcoholic, but she's known to abuse prescribed drugs as well. She's been an alcoholic my entire life (I'm 38 now). For the past ten years or so I haven't been very close to her, because she drank to the point that she alienate everybody. All she wanted or cared about was her alcohol. But she supposedly quit drinking about 5 years ago. I say supposedly because she used to live across the country, in another state, and all I had to go by was her word and the fact that she *sounded* better.
Well, in January of this year she lost her husband. He died of a bad heart. The two of them were extremely dysfunctional. He was 400lb diabetic who refused to take care of himself. They enabled each other, and they lived horribly. They spent their money all wrong, defaulted on loans, didn't pay their bills. Things were always in danger of getting shut off and it wasn't because they didn't have the money to pay the bills. But, as I said, her husband recently died.
Long story short, my husband and I flew her out here to live by us. My grandmother, her mother, is 81 years old now and wants nothing more to do with her. She has pushed my grandmother to the point that my grandmother simply had to get tough and tell her, "I love you, but I can't do this anymore." Until recently, I thought my grandmother was just being mean and unsupportive. Because I wasn't seeing what was really going on.
So we brought her out here. I thought that if she was just out here with supportive family, that we could keep her strong. We worked out butts getting her set up with an apartment (we had to co-sign), making sure she had furniture, everything she needed. Well, she got off the plane wreaking of alcohol and begging us to take her to the store to buy beer. Against my better judgment we did, then refused to buy her anymore.
But it's only gotten worse. Before she moved out here, she was on morphine, for chronic back pain. But because she was going to move out here, and we didn't know if we'd be able to find a doctor out here soon enough. So, with her doctor's permission, she weaned herself off of it. Two days ago she took her last one. She lasted 24 hours. She's currently in the hospital, because she overdosed on a prescription anti-psychotic she was given to help her sleep at night. Apparently she was only suppose to take one a day and she was taking two and three. She also took benadryl to try and help her sleep. And she's popping ibuprofins every four hours. What she does is self medicate. I think she's trying to numb herself. And she lies and hides it, I never feel as if she's actually telling me the truth.
So. She's in the hospital. She called 911 at 2 in the morning, because she'd overdosed herself. She called because she was having chest pains. She used to do this a lot. Going into the hospital was a vacation for her. She'd neglect herself, pump herself full of whatever drug she could her hands on, then when THAT wasn't working and she couldn't handle life anymore, she'd claim she had some medical reason why she needs to be in the hospital. They pump her full of drugs that make her feel good and do everything for her. She doesn't have to do anything but lie there and be taken care of. She's actually said this to me. She's on social security disability, so she's also on medicare. She cannot afford to go into the hospital.
She's self destructing, but now we're in the middle of it. I'm married, with two children, and I have tried for most of my marriage to distance myself from her, because I cannot and will not go down with her when she self destructs again. But because we had to cosign on her apartment, we are responsible for the apartment she's living in. Which she is already not taking care of.
I am beside myself with anger. I've dealt with this my whole life and I cannot do this anymore. I refuse to be her enabler. But she's dependent on us. She has no car and cannot drive and we signed her lease, so I HAVE to help her take care of her house. She's dragging us down with her and I'm scared to death. I don't know what to do. I am so angry with her that I'm scared to go pick her up at the hospital tomorrow, because I very well blow up at her. I'm tempted to tell her to take a cab. My husband and I have been nothing but supportive to her, trying reassure her that she wasn't alone. We're over at her place every single day doing things to help her. She's only been here for 7 days.
I don't know what to do. So I thought I'd try here, in hopes of finding someone with more knowledge than me.
I should also add that the house we lived in, growing up, was extremely abusive. My mother and my stepfather use to drink themselves into oblivion, quite often they'd get into screaming matches while they were drunk. And my stepfather was sexually abusive to me. She claims she never saw it.
Thank you for listening.
I happened across this site completely by accident, so I hope I'm in the right place. But I am lost and I don't know what to do. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
My mother is an addict. She's mostly an alcoholic, but she's known to abuse prescribed drugs as well. She's been an alcoholic my entire life (I'm 38 now). For the past ten years or so I haven't been very close to her, because she drank to the point that she alienate everybody. All she wanted or cared about was her alcohol. But she supposedly quit drinking about 5 years ago. I say supposedly because she used to live across the country, in another state, and all I had to go by was her word and the fact that she *sounded* better.
Well, in January of this year she lost her husband. He died of a bad heart. The two of them were extremely dysfunctional. He was 400lb diabetic who refused to take care of himself. They enabled each other, and they lived horribly. They spent their money all wrong, defaulted on loans, didn't pay their bills. Things were always in danger of getting shut off and it wasn't because they didn't have the money to pay the bills. But, as I said, her husband recently died.
Long story short, my husband and I flew her out here to live by us. My grandmother, her mother, is 81 years old now and wants nothing more to do with her. She has pushed my grandmother to the point that my grandmother simply had to get tough and tell her, "I love you, but I can't do this anymore." Until recently, I thought my grandmother was just being mean and unsupportive. Because I wasn't seeing what was really going on.
So we brought her out here. I thought that if she was just out here with supportive family, that we could keep her strong. We worked out butts getting her set up with an apartment (we had to co-sign), making sure she had furniture, everything she needed. Well, she got off the plane wreaking of alcohol and begging us to take her to the store to buy beer. Against my better judgment we did, then refused to buy her anymore.
But it's only gotten worse. Before she moved out here, she was on morphine, for chronic back pain. But because she was going to move out here, and we didn't know if we'd be able to find a doctor out here soon enough. So, with her doctor's permission, she weaned herself off of it. Two days ago she took her last one. She lasted 24 hours. She's currently in the hospital, because she overdosed on a prescription anti-psychotic she was given to help her sleep at night. Apparently she was only suppose to take one a day and she was taking two and three. She also took benadryl to try and help her sleep. And she's popping ibuprofins every four hours. What she does is self medicate. I think she's trying to numb herself. And she lies and hides it, I never feel as if she's actually telling me the truth.
So. She's in the hospital. She called 911 at 2 in the morning, because she'd overdosed herself. She called because she was having chest pains. She used to do this a lot. Going into the hospital was a vacation for her. She'd neglect herself, pump herself full of whatever drug she could her hands on, then when THAT wasn't working and she couldn't handle life anymore, she'd claim she had some medical reason why she needs to be in the hospital. They pump her full of drugs that make her feel good and do everything for her. She doesn't have to do anything but lie there and be taken care of. She's actually said this to me. She's on social security disability, so she's also on medicare. She cannot afford to go into the hospital.
She's self destructing, but now we're in the middle of it. I'm married, with two children, and I have tried for most of my marriage to distance myself from her, because I cannot and will not go down with her when she self destructs again. But because we had to cosign on her apartment, we are responsible for the apartment she's living in. Which she is already not taking care of.
I am beside myself with anger. I've dealt with this my whole life and I cannot do this anymore. I refuse to be her enabler. But she's dependent on us. She has no car and cannot drive and we signed her lease, so I HAVE to help her take care of her house. She's dragging us down with her and I'm scared to death. I don't know what to do. I am so angry with her that I'm scared to go pick her up at the hospital tomorrow, because I very well blow up at her. I'm tempted to tell her to take a cab. My husband and I have been nothing but supportive to her, trying reassure her that she wasn't alone. We're over at her place every single day doing things to help her. She's only been here for 7 days.
I don't know what to do. So I thought I'd try here, in hopes of finding someone with more knowledge than me.
I should also add that the house we lived in, growing up, was extremely abusive. My mother and my stepfather use to drink themselves into oblivion, quite often they'd get into screaming matches while they were drunk. And my stepfather was sexually abusive to me. She claims she never saw it.
Thank you for listening.
Last edited by ladyscorpion; 05-15-2011 at 02:58 PM. Reason: addition
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: TN
Posts: 162
You are obviously going to have to be caring, but firm. You cannot provide for her and yiu shouldn't be asked to. Unfortunately, due to the fact she is an alcoholic/addict, she probably will be happy to let you do so.
I have no answer for what she will do in the long-term to try and recover from her addictions. I would suggest that you look into treatment centers for her. There are long-term residential treatment centers available throughout the country that are either subsidized or fully funded. Sounds to me that a year or so in treatment, where she is required to do some form of work (limited to her physical capabilities) while receiving care for her issues, would be good for her.
I have no answer for what she will do in the long-term to try and recover from her addictions. I would suggest that you look into treatment centers for her. There are long-term residential treatment centers available throughout the country that are either subsidized or fully funded. Sounds to me that a year or so in treatment, where she is required to do some form of work (limited to her physical capabilities) while receiving care for her issues, would be good for her.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. It sounds awful. I agree that she needs residential treatment, but you can't force her to go. Maybe you should sit her down and explain to her in no uncertain terms that you are finished dealing with this and that if she refuses to enter long-term residential treatment, you will send her back where she came from and she can fend for herself. I know that sounds harsh, but what choices do you have? She's only been there seven days and already she has turned your world upside down. You have to protect your own family and if she isn't willing to get help for herself, then you are under no obligation to continue to care for her.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 4
Oh I have to say you guys are making me cry. I've been waffling today. I'm so fed up that when or even if I decide to go pick her from the hospital, that I really was planning on tell her that I was done, and that if she didn't straighten up I was walking away. But it makes me feel so guilty to think about saying that to her that I wasn't sure I had a right to. I've been abused myself growing up, so learning to stand up for myself has been a hard road. As self destructive as this likely sounds, it's good to hear someone else tell me that I have a right to say those things to her.
Thank you. Very much. Will start searching the internet to see what I can come up with.
Thank you. Very much. Will start searching the internet to see what I can come up with.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
((((HUGS)))) I know it shouldn't have to be that way. We shouldn't have to write our parents off. That's not how it is supposed to be. But honey, sometimes it's the only thing we can do. When they are so unhealthy and that unhealthiness spills over and threatens to ruin our lives, we have to do what is best for us and our own family. That does not make you a bad person. Don't ever feel like it does. You have tried and she has sabotaged your attempts to help her. Now you can understand why her own mother has removed her from her life. It's called self-preservation. Welcome to SR! You will find a lot of support here. 
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
How well I know the stress and anger you are feeling. My mother is my A, been drinking for over 65 years and at times has abused prescription drugs. What a mess!
I go with dealing your cards face up, be clear and consise, explain what you will accept and not accept. I had to draw the line with my mother, and, did not speak to her for 10 years. The most peaceful 10 years of my life.
Today, she respects my bounderies, she knows I say what I mean and mean what I say. Not a perfect relationship, but doable.
To me, that is the answer, balance, bounderies and follow thru.
Keep posting, it will help!
I go with dealing your cards face up, be clear and consise, explain what you will accept and not accept. I had to draw the line with my mother, and, did not speak to her for 10 years. The most peaceful 10 years of my life.
Today, she respects my bounderies, she knows I say what I mean and mean what I say. Not a perfect relationship, but doable.
To me, that is the answer, balance, bounderies and follow thru.
Keep posting, it will help!
Namaste128
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1
Thank you to all of you on this thread. I was searching the internet today trying to find a link that would help me cope with my prescription drug addicted mother. I was feeling frustrated because all i could find was help for addicts and how i could help her. I have spent my entire adult life dealing with my mothers issues i have on multiple occasions exhausted myself trying to help her in more ways than i would have time to list here, but the common thing that always happens is she destroys all your hard work and efforts when you think she is ready to finally stop messing up and you hand their lives back to them to manage, inevitably she messes up her pills, her health, her finances etc etc. I am married with children and i took my own daughter falling into a depression at the age of 16, to finally stop enabling my mother. I had to put my family first and quite frankly i couldnt handle the burden of her and the drama that comes with her anymore. It is a horrible struggle that has its ups and downs. I have had to put her at arms length because she does not respect my boundries and i feel she has become toxic to me and my children. It is so hard when you love someone and you want them to be something they are not. Thank you all for reminding me that it is ok to have boundries and to protect my family and my own mental health. I hope scorpianlady that you can dig deep and remember we can not help people who do not want to help themselves it always just ends up exhausting us and makes us exactly what we dont want to be -enablers. God Bless all of you and i am greatful for finding this site. i hope i have helped you in some small way even it it is just to let you know you are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
PMC, welcome to SR! 
It is okay to have boundaries and to protect our own emotional well-being.
My father is an untreated ACOA, my mother an untreated codependent (neither drugs or drinks), and there are times they can be toxic to me.
I've learned not to accept the unacceptable, and have had to go no contact more than once.
I hope you stick around and continue to post! Again, welcome!
It is okay to have boundaries and to protect our own emotional well-being.
My father is an untreated ACOA, my mother an untreated codependent (neither drugs or drinks), and there are times they can be toxic to me.
I've learned not to accept the unacceptable, and have had to go no contact more than once.
I hope you stick around and continue to post! Again, welcome!
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