miamifella

I have been off of my anti-depressants for a while, and now I feel the pull of my addiction.

This kind of thing has not hit me in awhile. I want to use, but I don't even expect to enjoy it. It feels more like a duty waiting for me. Yesterday it hit me for the first time in a very long time.

I even went to a meeting last night. It was stupid to go because I knew in the past it only intensified the depression and made the cravings more intense. But I felt I had to do something. And some people here convinced me that I had missed something in my years of attending meetings. But I could barely get through and it was all I could do to aim my car for home rather than a dealers.

Fortunately, I was able to stave off the cravings after, but I have had them all day today. I thought I was over this. I have been spending time here and I cannot tell you if it is helping assuage the cravings or causing them. These recovery sites make me think about drug use as a possibility. That cannot be good. But I feel like I get a lot from them.

Not sure what to do with this.

suki44883

If you don't mind me asking...why did you stop the anti-depressants?

FT

Miamifella:

Most people are cautioned not to stop taking their antidepressants all at once, without some kind of medical supervision. You don't go into detail, so you aren't giving us much to go on.

I, too, would like to be totally free of taking ANY kind of pills, but I can't just stop taking my high blood pressure medication, and depression is a medical condition that can be treated with medications that must be taken just as religiously.

Sounds like you should be talking to your doc or counselor or whatever other prescriber gave you the antidepressants, so they will know about what is happening to you.

FT

slugger9787

I suggest you find a meeting where they practice principles before personalities.

Gmoney

Have you spoken with your therapist? Does he/she know you're off the anti-depressants?

miamifella

It has been about a year without the antidepressants. With my insurance, I have to look for a new doctor at least once a year--and last spring I went through 3. It was stupid, but I just tabled it and never went back. It really did not feel any different from when I was on them and the insurance company is so difficult to deal with, so I let it go. Really dumb move, I know.

Of course, a year later I can finally feel the difference being off them makes. The insurance company is sending me a list of doctors which should be here early in the week.

I always still feel depressed with them, but at least it is not this bad.

opmloser

Miamifella- You write that you stopped taking your meds; did you talk to your doctor about this? Someone here wrote that stopping anti's suddenly is dangerous and that is absolutely correct! Please call your doctor asap. As for the NA group that you met with, I also feel you should find a new one. Please post when you can and let us know how you're doing-you'll be in my thoughts!

FT

Miamifella:

Once you get a doc, don't put up with drugs that don't work. Go back as many times as it takes to get on the right drug. Ask to be referred to a psychiatrist/MD who is experienced in difficult to treat depression, if you are seeing someone you don't think is helping you. I am one of those people who feel they need to "connect" with their doctor. Find the one who connects with you.

I was subjected to 3 years of being put on one drug after the other, mostly SSRI's and the like, all of which made my depression worse. The best I can say is they stopped me from screaming. I was still screaming inside my head, though.

I was so depressed I couldn't think for myself and did not question the family doc I had been going to for years, trusting him because I believed he knew how to help me. It was only after he thought maybe I should have ECT (electro-convulstant therapy) that my husband became so terrified, he called a halt to the madness that was prescription hell for me. After about 4 different counselors, one finally referred me to a psychiatrist who specialized in prescribing psych meds, and I was finally put on a combination of non-SSRI meds that helped me, along with the counseling.

I hope you find a good doc and work with that person, but don't accept anything that isn't working for you.

One of the best things that helped me that I can recommend to you here is a book that helped me understand the physiologic roots of my depression -- "Worry" by Hallowell. I usually hate self help books, finding them irritating and full of psychobabble, but this one is well written and commonsensical, and it was the first time in years that I understood my depression did not equate to "brain damage," which I seriously feared.

All that was probably 7 years ago, now, and followed a period of huge loss in my life. I was situationally depressed, but it nearly destroyed me. The only reason I was not suicidal was because I knew that doing something like that would destroy my family and I just could not do that.

Hang in there, and get yourself the help you deserve.

FT

miamifella

As I said above, I do not have a doctor at this point. I have not in a year.

The NA group was typical. Nothing especially bad or good compared to other meetings I have been to. I do not think the problem is them, but rather me. I am around a bunch of addicts and I think about drugs. I see people who at another time and place might have gotten high with me or might have access to my DOC. It is not their fault. It is nothing they are doing or saying. But I was never part of any drug culture until I came into recovery, so just being in their presence stimulates those thoughts.

opmloser

FT- You always seem to hit the nail on the head and I, for one, greatly appreciate the care and thought that you put into all of your posts. I'd love to reach out and give you a big hug for just being here, seriously. I wish you all the very best and thank you for being You.

miamifella

Failedtaper--

I did spend a long time trying to find a better antidepressant, but the side effects for most were so severe I had trouble working. So I have been sticking with Welbutrin--which may not be the best, but at least I can function.

I was really hoping for nationalized health care to go through so that I could stick with one doctor over a long period of time. I do not think I have ever had any one doctor for more than two years. (At one point I got put on a generic version of something I knew did not work for me under its brand name. Because I did not recognize it under its generic name. I wish we could trust longstanding doctor records rather than my memory for what treatments have already been tried!)

miamifella

Got through. I did not think I would.

I have never heard a good idea about how to get through those sort of days/nights other than to just hang on however you can.

It is humbling to realize that you can be so many years into this and still face the same issues. Its like what a friend of mine calls a "ballet discipline" meaning that like ballet, you can be a world renowned virtuoso, but you still have to do the very same exercises you did the day you walked into your very first class.

FT

I am in absolute agreement. The only reason I kept going with the doc that tried me on so many drugs that didn't work was that he was my doctor for many many years, as well as my friend. It just wasn't enough, and he finally threw up his hands and said he didn't know how else he could help me. That's when he suggested the ECT.

Sometimes the psych drugs don't work because the person doesn't need psych drugs. What finally worked for me was actually a very mild antidepressant, not an SSRI, along with an anticonvulsant. A lot of people don't realize those drugs are sometimes used for psych symptoms. I'm happy to share that info, but it is probably not suitable for general forum use, so if you want to know more, please PM me.

I also agree that NA groups can sometimes be triggers, depending on the group. I went to one that seemed to have ONLY court-ordered attendees and few people who actually wanted to be there, and the forced attendees all used the parking lot to hook up and make their drug deals. I had to switch to another group.

I still contend you can find the right treatment, but agree it is extremely frustrating in our current healthcare market (as opposed to "system"). Healthcare is now a commodity it seems, instead of our right. Doctors view it that way, too, as they apportion services to us within the constraints of "managed care." It sucks.

So, you are stuck with having to be self-sufficient. You do have a RIGHT to your medical records, legally. ASK for them and keep them with other valuable papers you have. Then, take them with you every time you have a new doctor, so you can tell them what has worked and not worked.

Get away from any group, including an NA one, that triggers your use. I had to. To preserve your recovery, you need to do that.

Keep going, dude. This can be done. And I think you can feel better.

FT

miamifella

I was just so happy to get medical insurance and be able to see doctors that it never occurred to me to ask for medical records when I had to move on. So now they are all sitting in the files of at least a dozen psychiatrists.

Welbutrin works to some extent. But it takes a long time to try out any drug and then to get off it.

For me every 12-step group triggered me. It just did. No one was selling drugs in the parking lot. But they were addicts--that was enough. But even if I did not find the groups stimulating drug thoughts, I do not know how much it would help. I do not respond well to heavy criticism, so I need a more non-judgemental forum. I also do not need to talk about how great being clean is. I need to be able to talk about the struggle. I gather from what I read here, that is acceptable outside of meetings but I have never talked much with 12-step folk outside of meetings (other than sponsors).

suki44883

The 12-step program isn't the meetings, it is working the steps with a sponsor. Have you done that? That is where you will find success.

FT

Hey Miami:

You can still get your records, really easily, and most offices don't charge the patient for them. Look up HIPAA on the internet to get a form to print. I found one on this website:

HIPAA Release Form | Free HIPAA Release Form | Caring.com

Your records can be mailed to you home, and you will have a set to keep and use as you choose.

It is unfortunate you have found meetings to be less than helpful and even a trigger. Suki is right about the sponsor.

But if NA doesn't work for you, there are other groups I have seen people mention here that are not NA but are good places. Maybe one on one will work better for you.

I know I don't need people around me who are users, so I am somewhat like you in that regard. I am 5 months clean TODAY, and I have done this recovery without meetings. But I have HUGE family support and my doctors all know I am in recovery, so I have made sure I won't slip easily.

FT

miamifella

I have had a number of sponsors but never got far enough that they could work the steps with me. I got stuck on #2 and #3. The last one was extraordinarily patient, I checked in with him many times during the year for a very long time, but like the others he did not feel he could help me until I was ready to start Step 4.

People here say that they have had sponsors help them with the first three steps, but I had not come across that.

As it is, my recovery is doing fine with the occasional bad day. It is build on many of the same principles that are described in 12-step literature. But to be very honest, I saw very little evidence of those principles in the many years I spent as part of 12-step groups in two different cities.

miamifella

I have done AA, CMA, NA and a few others I am sure. Here at least they are pretty much the same and people attend them all interchangeably.

If I had found a sponsor who would have helped me on the first steps then maybe a 12-step approach might have worked. But then again, I would not have tolerated the don't-wear-green or walk-home-backwards-on-Tuesdays tests of willingness that seem to go along with that kind of heavy involvement with a sponsor.

miamifella

Thanks for the hippa info. Of course, I would have to track down (or even remember) all the doctors I have seen to even begin a project of assembling records!

FT

Miami,

You are working hard in your recovery. You sound very level headed and determined. You just have to do what works for you. Personally, I can't tolerate doing anything that involves "blind faith".

I am not saying that is what NA does. However, there IS a "leap of faith" involved that I just can't get my head around. When I went to meetings, I just took away the stuff the helped me and left the rest behind.

I also have had sponsors. I was a little surprised that so many of them were so new in their own recovery, I wasn't sure whether I should have been the one giving the advice. But, again, I think the experiences are just individual.

Good luck and keep going. You can get all the records for anyone you can recall, and putting them together might be interesting. You may be surprised about what some doctors will write in your medical records, and you do have a right to see it!

FT