Are there any crack addicts out there because I need help
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Join Date: May 2011
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Are there any crack addicts out there because I need help
Been clean for almost 4 years and relapsed about a month ago. Had 2 relapses, approximately 2 weeks apart from each other. Have not used in 6 days. The fear of using now seems to be scaring me straight right now. It is amazing how relapsing can ruin your life. Using after being clean for so long has had a huge negative impact on my life. I am so down, and struggling on every level to pull myself out of this. Crack has such a negative stigma, and if you smoke crack people think you are a monster. Very little compassion for the crack smokers.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Lambertville, NJ
Posts: 310
As a crackhead in recovery I feel your pain. I can only ask you the same questions my counselor asked me when I relapsed.
What did you learn from your relapse?
Why did you smoke?
What do you plan to do different this time?
4 years is a lot of clean time, so it makes me think something was going on with you in the weeks/months leading up to your drug use. What was it? How did you stumble into it? Typically, we rebuild our lives and are no longer surrounded by drugs or drug users. Or maybe you actively sought it out? Tell us.
As for empathy and understanding, it is no surprise you will find little compassion from non-addicts. Crackheads are the scum of the Earth to most people. We are perhaps a step below bin Laden. It takes an addict to identify with what you're going through. If it's any consolation, I feel for you and completely understand what you're going through. And for what it's worth, congratulations on staying clean for four years, that is quite impressive. You may have thrown away your clean time but you can always get it back a day at a time. Try to answer the questions above, it might help.
Your fellow crackhead-in-recovery,
melissa
What did you learn from your relapse?
Why did you smoke?
What do you plan to do different this time?
4 years is a lot of clean time, so it makes me think something was going on with you in the weeks/months leading up to your drug use. What was it? How did you stumble into it? Typically, we rebuild our lives and are no longer surrounded by drugs or drug users. Or maybe you actively sought it out? Tell us.
As for empathy and understanding, it is no surprise you will find little compassion from non-addicts. Crackheads are the scum of the Earth to most people. We are perhaps a step below bin Laden. It takes an addict to identify with what you're going through. If it's any consolation, I feel for you and completely understand what you're going through. And for what it's worth, congratulations on staying clean for four years, that is quite impressive. You may have thrown away your clean time but you can always get it back a day at a time. Try to answer the questions above, it might help.
Your fellow crackhead-in-recovery,
melissa
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 1,701
I understand what you are feeling. It really can sneak up on you.
And crack recovery is lonely because it is held in such low regard. I remember seeing the look in my friends eyes as I came out as a crack addict to each of them.
Was their any other time during those four years that you felt the desire to use but did not? What was different this time? The fear you feel may be helping you to stay clean right now, but do not let it block you from looking honestly at yourself.
For me, the crack use was never about the high. I did not really even enjoy crack. It was about something else. Might that be the case with you?
And crack recovery is lonely because it is held in such low regard. I remember seeing the look in my friends eyes as I came out as a crack addict to each of them.
Was their any other time during those four years that you felt the desire to use but did not? What was different this time? The fear you feel may be helping you to stay clean right now, but do not let it block you from looking honestly at yourself.
For me, the crack use was never about the high. I did not really even enjoy crack. It was about something else. Might that be the case with you?
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Ke22ylh))) - I posted to you in the other thread I met you on.
Before I relapsed, for good (only about 2 weeks, but did a lot of damage) I did the "dabbling" with crack. Once a month, then twice, then it got to where I was planning on the next time I could do it.
My relapse was horrible. The whole time I was getting high, I was also feeling like (((Melissa))) said - the scum of the earth..of the people I was letting down, the very ones I'd worked so hard to get trust back with. It was like I couldn't GET high enough to drown out the bad feelings, despite doing it 24/7.
That's when I chose recovery. I don't attend meetings, but I did once, and I still use what I learned there. I come here, often, and I know I'm not alone. I told myself that I'd try this "recovery stuff" for 6 months, with all I had, and if I didn't like it, well, I know where to find crack. That was over 4 years ago.
I also started, at the very beginning, when I would have a craving, telling myself "not an option...next" with "next" being a cue to distract myself. I also would vividly remember my relapse, how low I had gotten. Had to do this a LOT, at first. In time, my mind automatically would be at "next" before I even realized I'd thought of crack.
You are not alone here...there are quite a few of us "crackheads" here, several in recovery. You may want to read (((LarryLive's))) thread on "recovering crackhead". It's in part 2, now, but if you read from the beginning of part 1, you'll see someone who's really come a long way. (((Melissa))) also has a good thread. There are others, but these 2 I'm most familiar with.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Before I relapsed, for good (only about 2 weeks, but did a lot of damage) I did the "dabbling" with crack. Once a month, then twice, then it got to where I was planning on the next time I could do it.
My relapse was horrible. The whole time I was getting high, I was also feeling like (((Melissa))) said - the scum of the earth..of the people I was letting down, the very ones I'd worked so hard to get trust back with. It was like I couldn't GET high enough to drown out the bad feelings, despite doing it 24/7.
That's when I chose recovery. I don't attend meetings, but I did once, and I still use what I learned there. I come here, often, and I know I'm not alone. I told myself that I'd try this "recovery stuff" for 6 months, with all I had, and if I didn't like it, well, I know where to find crack. That was over 4 years ago.
I also started, at the very beginning, when I would have a craving, telling myself "not an option...next" with "next" being a cue to distract myself. I also would vividly remember my relapse, how low I had gotten. Had to do this a LOT, at first. In time, my mind automatically would be at "next" before I even realized I'd thought of crack.
You are not alone here...there are quite a few of us "crackheads" here, several in recovery. You may want to read (((LarryLive's))) thread on "recovering crackhead". It's in part 2, now, but if you read from the beginning of part 1, you'll see someone who's really come a long way. (((Melissa))) also has a good thread. There are others, but these 2 I'm most familiar with.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: May 2011
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Thanks Melissa,
I am so grateful to hear someone with the same drug of choice as me. Only another crack smoker understands the ridiculous logic behind the crack mentality. I used partly because I allowed several triggers to swallow me up. I let my guard down, and just got almost superstitious about recovery and using. I would say well if my sponsor does not pick up the phone, then that means I will use. Just STUPID. And stupid as this may sound, I was going to have a surgery on my nose, and I reasoned that well, if I am ever gonna use again, it better be now. I drove around for six hours that first Sunday that I relapsed looking for it, and I finally said if I drive down here and this doesn't work, then I just won't do it. And then there he was the dope guy saying hey girl what do you need. I reasoned that it would only be 20 dollars worth and any crack smoker knows that is never the case. I also had heard from a long lost using friend, and we actually joked about using again together, and that did a lot of damage. Stupid stuff and I really do know better. I cannot tell you how nice it is hear from someone like yourself, another crack addict. There really is no way to smoke crack and be OK with it, and I suppose I disillusioned myself into thinking it would be different. It hurts on so many levels. But it is a real comfort to hear from other people with the same addiction. Thank you
I am so grateful to hear someone with the same drug of choice as me. Only another crack smoker understands the ridiculous logic behind the crack mentality. I used partly because I allowed several triggers to swallow me up. I let my guard down, and just got almost superstitious about recovery and using. I would say well if my sponsor does not pick up the phone, then that means I will use. Just STUPID. And stupid as this may sound, I was going to have a surgery on my nose, and I reasoned that well, if I am ever gonna use again, it better be now. I drove around for six hours that first Sunday that I relapsed looking for it, and I finally said if I drive down here and this doesn't work, then I just won't do it. And then there he was the dope guy saying hey girl what do you need. I reasoned that it would only be 20 dollars worth and any crack smoker knows that is never the case. I also had heard from a long lost using friend, and we actually joked about using again together, and that did a lot of damage. Stupid stuff and I really do know better. I cannot tell you how nice it is hear from someone like yourself, another crack addict. There really is no way to smoke crack and be OK with it, and I suppose I disillusioned myself into thinking it would be different. It hurts on so many levels. But it is a real comfort to hear from other people with the same addiction. Thank you
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Thank you Impurrfect,
Yep crack heads have the same stigma as child molesters, and I don't mean to sound so harsh or rude.It gives me a lot of comfort to have some communication with other "crack heads" and having said that I would not wish crack addiction on anyone. And yep, my relapse was similar I could not get high, and the paranoia that someone would catch me was worse than I ever remembered it being. It took several days of not using for this to wear off. I will check out "Larry Lives"
Thank you for your reply
Yep crack heads have the same stigma as child molesters, and I don't mean to sound so harsh or rude.It gives me a lot of comfort to have some communication with other "crack heads" and having said that I would not wish crack addiction on anyone. And yep, my relapse was similar I could not get high, and the paranoia that someone would catch me was worse than I ever remembered it being. It took several days of not using for this to wear off. I will check out "Larry Lives"
Thank you for your reply
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Lambertville, NJ
Posts: 310
Originally Posted by ke22ylh 
Only another crack smoker understands the ridiculous logic behind the crack mentality.
Well first off I don’t see any “logic” at all to smoking crack, unless one wishes to call self-destruction a form of logic. It’s good you’re looking at how and why you winded down the road of drug use (again). Still, I think you need to ask, and more importantly answer the question, “what did you learn?”
I’ve been in and out of recovery for almost as long as I’ve used drugs. I’ve been coming to the rooms for eighteen years off and on. I could write a book on relapse. I've done almost every drug but it was crack that brought me to my knees. In short order. The last time I used I had to ask myself the same question. My answer was very bleak: because I could. It was that barren. And I realized, I can throw away all my efforts any time I wish. That was an important thing to understand.
For the true addict we must constantly watch our motives. If we find ourselves to be, just coincidentally, by strange happenstance, in the hood driving down some street and a guy is asking “what you need?” well then that’s no coincidence. That’s your addiction hijacking your mind. As much as we are aware what’s happening we will pretend it’s no big deal. We’ll talk ourselves into whatever we choose, and we all know there is endless justification. Likewise, reconnecting with someone who is actively using is another way to wind down that road.
Anything worthwhile requires effort, time and patience. We rebuild our lives very slowly, sometimes so slow we wonder if there’s any rebuilding at all. Like the construction of a building, it takes time to build but can be destroyed in an instant. That was my last, and hopefully the last, lesson I learned from my last relapse. I can throw it away any time I want.
I always felt one of the penalties for smoking crack is the sheer knowledge it’s out there. At any time we can go get that high. It can quickly grip your mind. While we can’t choose the thoughts that dart into our minds, we can choose what to do with them. Personally, I try not to allow myself to fantasize or re-live my crack memories. I think that’s a recipe for relapse. And I try to play the tape through to the end. You know, the end, when the drugs run out and you’re left with yourself and your feelings. Crack is a very powerful drug. No one uses it 'successfully'. As my sponsor once said to me, “there’s no such thing as a recreational crack smoker.”
I wish you good luck and stay connected here, there are good people on this board.
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Melissa,
Thanks again. What I learned was that it still sucks and it still hurts an awful lot, not just me, but my family. And also how easy it is to get back into the using cycle, to where you feel so bad you just decide to use again the next morning or afternoon, as soon as you think you cannot take it a minute longer and say screw it. Yep when you are left by yourself, the drugs all gone, and all that money spent. Desperation to the millionth degree. And waiting it out, and finally deciding hey it is only Saturday and hey I could do it all over again, don't have to be back to work until Monday. STUPID stuff. It reinforced what I already knew, but chose to ignore, that I cannot use successfully. And also that I pick up right where I left off 4 years ago, like I never put it down, back and forth all night to get more, taking the risks and the intense desperation. And I guess since I had a bit of clean time prior to this relapse, I was able to see how bad it hurts my family. They keep calling to check in with you, and eventually put two and two together. Just one hit and a person could overdose. And fortunately that registers more clearly this time more than any other time. Thanks again for your replies. It is good to hear from other people with the same drug of choice, and yes, crack is the one that brought me to my knees too, but every time, it always always ended badly for me. Oh yeah I also learned that my mind just could not get over the paranoia brought on by the drug use, 3 days after relapsing and not going back to it, I was eaten up by paranoia. It was horrible, so now it has been 1 week since my relapsing and I still do not feel normal. Jumbled speaking problems, like I seriously fried my brain. I don't remember this happening to me ever like this in the past. Relapsing still sucks.
Thanks again. What I learned was that it still sucks and it still hurts an awful lot, not just me, but my family. And also how easy it is to get back into the using cycle, to where you feel so bad you just decide to use again the next morning or afternoon, as soon as you think you cannot take it a minute longer and say screw it. Yep when you are left by yourself, the drugs all gone, and all that money spent. Desperation to the millionth degree. And waiting it out, and finally deciding hey it is only Saturday and hey I could do it all over again, don't have to be back to work until Monday. STUPID stuff. It reinforced what I already knew, but chose to ignore, that I cannot use successfully. And also that I pick up right where I left off 4 years ago, like I never put it down, back and forth all night to get more, taking the risks and the intense desperation. And I guess since I had a bit of clean time prior to this relapse, I was able to see how bad it hurts my family. They keep calling to check in with you, and eventually put two and two together. Just one hit and a person could overdose. And fortunately that registers more clearly this time more than any other time. Thanks again for your replies. It is good to hear from other people with the same drug of choice, and yes, crack is the one that brought me to my knees too, but every time, it always always ended badly for me. Oh yeah I also learned that my mind just could not get over the paranoia brought on by the drug use, 3 days after relapsing and not going back to it, I was eaten up by paranoia. It was horrible, so now it has been 1 week since my relapsing and I still do not feel normal. Jumbled speaking problems, like I seriously fried my brain. I don't remember this happening to me ever like this in the past. Relapsing still sucks.
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Join Date: May 2011
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Thank you,
Yes it still sucked, felt horrible, plenty of Yuck, Still trying to get back to "normal"
Awful feeling. Intense desperation and depression and an over drawn bank account, and hurting my family all over again. Plenty of Yuck to last a while.
Yes it still sucked, felt horrible, plenty of Yuck, Still trying to get back to "normal"
Awful feeling. Intense desperation and depression and an over drawn bank account, and hurting my family all over again. Plenty of Yuck to last a while.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Ke22ylh))) - after my relapse, I had $750 in bounced check charges, had used my dad's credit card, and had no job. My laptop, cell phone had been stolen. I had pretty bad bronchitis and slept for about 3 days...had been up for 8 days in a row.
I was able to get my job back, just in a different restaurant than I'd been in. Took me a while to make my amends to my former mgr, but I did.
Even as I was coming home, $400 worth of damage to the brakes on my car (idiot I hooked up with KILLED my brakes), having to chase my car down from someone who had "rented it" with my dad, I was STILL trying to figure out how to get just one more hit
For months, when I heard the word "dime" I would hesitate...I was a server, also worked the cash register, but still. the restaurant I worked in played "oldies"...stuff my XABF#3 used to sing to me, and it took everything I had not to cry. He was still out there using, and I was mad, sad, and grateful (to not be there) at the same time.
It passes, I promise. If it takes saying "I will not use for the next 10 minutes" all day long, it works. It took a while for me to regain trust of my family and I felt like a kid, letting them know where I'd be, when I'd be home, etc (I was 45 at the time) but I realized it was a consequence of what I'd done, and I now have dad's ATM PIN number, access to his banking accounts, other accounts, etc. Not because I asked for it, but because he would need me to get something or transfer funds.
I can't say how long it took me to really believe that I couldn't do crack as a "recreational user", even though I'd proven that, but it did finally sink in.
Your jumbled brain will, most likely, be okay. Hell, I'm back in school with a 4.0 avg and I was SURE crack had fried my brain. It takes time, something we're not really good at, but we can do it. YOU can do it.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I was able to get my job back, just in a different restaurant than I'd been in. Took me a while to make my amends to my former mgr, but I did.
Even as I was coming home, $400 worth of damage to the brakes on my car (idiot I hooked up with KILLED my brakes), having to chase my car down from someone who had "rented it" with my dad, I was STILL trying to figure out how to get just one more hit
For months, when I heard the word "dime" I would hesitate...I was a server, also worked the cash register, but still. the restaurant I worked in played "oldies"...stuff my XABF#3 used to sing to me, and it took everything I had not to cry. He was still out there using, and I was mad, sad, and grateful (to not be there) at the same time.
It passes, I promise. If it takes saying "I will not use for the next 10 minutes" all day long, it works. It took a while for me to regain trust of my family and I felt like a kid, letting them know where I'd be, when I'd be home, etc (I was 45 at the time) but I realized it was a consequence of what I'd done, and I now have dad's ATM PIN number, access to his banking accounts, other accounts, etc. Not because I asked for it, but because he would need me to get something or transfer funds.
I can't say how long it took me to really believe that I couldn't do crack as a "recreational user", even though I'd proven that, but it did finally sink in.
Your jumbled brain will, most likely, be okay. Hell, I'm back in school with a 4.0 avg and I was SURE crack had fried my brain. It takes time, something we're not really good at, but we can do it. YOU can do it.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: NYC/NJ
Posts: 431
It pains me a little when I hear people on here refer to themselves as "crackheads". I was addicted to oxy and I've never referred to myself as a "dope fiend" or "junkie". In no way does this mean I don't accept what I am or feel embarrassed about it, but those terms originated from non addicts and are degrading and offensive, and contribute to the stigma against drug addiction.
Anyway, keep your head up Ke22
Anyway, keep your head up Ke22
Trudging that road.
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Seattle Wa
Posts: 6,840
I also agree, I smoked a lot of crack although it wasn't my DOC, mine was hreoin but I also don't refer to myself as a junkie cause I am not anymore, just like none of you are crack heads.
With that being said I think society looks at people who use needls as a low life and I even know people who smoke crack who have said well at least I don't shoot up.
So I can't concentrate on what others think, its only a label I can choose to own it or not. I am proud to be in recovery, and I too relapsed for many years, but in 4 days I will have 7 years so it is possible.
I was a street junkie, the low of the low, selling my butt for my next fix, and all that shame and guilt kept me loaded for years.
Relapse starts way before I ever pick up, it centers in my mind I fixate on how I am missing something, or how life is just to difficult and I want to numb it out.
My bottom or the last few years of my using was so horrific. I was living in a motel, people were dying around me, and all I could think about is getting well.
The fear of going back to that lifestyle has helped me work a recovery program that people have been suggesting for years. My mind was really toxic and I needed someone like a sponsor to walk me through this recovery process.
You have to be willing to do almost anything to stay clean, and IMHO till I was I kept relapsing.
Living life on lifes terms is difficult when we are not used to dealing w/it.
Sometimes I would relapse and it was just a temper tantrum cause things weren't going the way I thought they should, or my family didn't trust me. Well bottom line people had no reason to trust me, I had to come to terms with all the pain I had really put them through. The mere fact that they were even talking to me was a complete miracle, but sometimes when we get clean we almost feel like people owe us. Can't they see how hard we are trying?
The bottom line is we aren't doing anything wonderful because we stopped using, we are living life the way we should have been living it all along. The world is not going to throw us a parade no matter how much I sometimes think they should lol.
Keep the Faith and don't use cause the next time I use I may not make it back.
With that being said I think society looks at people who use needls as a low life and I even know people who smoke crack who have said well at least I don't shoot up.
So I can't concentrate on what others think, its only a label I can choose to own it or not. I am proud to be in recovery, and I too relapsed for many years, but in 4 days I will have 7 years so it is possible.
I was a street junkie, the low of the low, selling my butt for my next fix, and all that shame and guilt kept me loaded for years.
Relapse starts way before I ever pick up, it centers in my mind I fixate on how I am missing something, or how life is just to difficult and I want to numb it out.
My bottom or the last few years of my using was so horrific. I was living in a motel, people were dying around me, and all I could think about is getting well.
The fear of going back to that lifestyle has helped me work a recovery program that people have been suggesting for years. My mind was really toxic and I needed someone like a sponsor to walk me through this recovery process.
You have to be willing to do almost anything to stay clean, and IMHO till I was I kept relapsing.
Living life on lifes terms is difficult when we are not used to dealing w/it.
Sometimes I would relapse and it was just a temper tantrum cause things weren't going the way I thought they should, or my family didn't trust me. Well bottom line people had no reason to trust me, I had to come to terms with all the pain I had really put them through. The mere fact that they were even talking to me was a complete miracle, but sometimes when we get clean we almost feel like people owe us. Can't they see how hard we are trying?
The bottom line is we aren't doing anything wonderful because we stopped using, we are living life the way we should have been living it all along. The world is not going to throw us a parade no matter how much I sometimes think they should lol.
Keep the Faith and don't use cause the next time I use I may not make it back.
Last edited by newby1961; 05-09-2011 at 08:42 PM. Reason: run on sentences
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Merritt Island, Fl
Posts: 1,164
100 percent genuine crackhead. I was the perfect example of the stereotype you see in the media, guess that doesnt make it a stereotype. It becomes a lifestyle, just as sobriety does. Stick around and remember that you never have to feel that way again. Good luck and God bless.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Lambertville, NJ
Posts: 310
I use the term "crackhead" almost affectionately, it is neither derogatory nor belittling. It simply is what every person becomes when they smoke crack. I was also a pothead and a junkie. If anyone found these words offensive I apologize.
What I've found, at least amongst recovering crack "users", is that the term crackhead is often used as a blatant reminder of what we once were. I have a certain comradery with fellow recovering crack addicts because we shared the same insanity. And I emphasize the past-tense shared.
I feel no stigma with these terms, no degradation, in fact the very opposite. I feel that to be able to sit here now, in my right mind, and call myself a former crackhead, is empowering. Mind you, I only call myself that, I leave that perogative to other "former cocaine smoking abusers."
What I've found, at least amongst recovering crack "users", is that the term crackhead is often used as a blatant reminder of what we once were. I have a certain comradery with fellow recovering crack addicts because we shared the same insanity. And I emphasize the past-tense shared.
I feel no stigma with these terms, no degradation, in fact the very opposite. I feel that to be able to sit here now, in my right mind, and call myself a former crackhead, is empowering. Mind you, I only call myself that, I leave that perogative to other "former cocaine smoking abusers."
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Thanks Amy,
Yep I feel the same way, like a kid. My dad is actually driving 8 hours to see me today, to help me with this relationship with my boyfriend, as I think when I met you earlier, I explained those circumstances. I am 42. Did not start using crack until I was 36, not that it matters, but that is so strange to me, that someone as old as me would suddenly start using crack in their 30's.
Yep, I got so paranoid trying to get home the last time I used because I thought people were following me. I parked my car 2 blocks from my house, and walked for hours, kept turning the corner, thinking people had seen me smoking crack and some neighborhood watch was after me. Stupid stuff.
And a week has passed since I last used. Not tempted at least not yet. It is so strange how someone can go so long without using and then just opening up that can of worms, the madness starts, I know it is one of the cliches, (sorry can't spell)but addicts really do pick up right where they left off. And that really is the worst, trying to get one more hit, I can totally relate to what you have said, even with your dad and you chasing down your car. That sounds like something that would happen to me.
Congratulations on your turn-around, with school and everything.
Thanks again,
Kelly
Yep I feel the same way, like a kid. My dad is actually driving 8 hours to see me today, to help me with this relationship with my boyfriend, as I think when I met you earlier, I explained those circumstances. I am 42. Did not start using crack until I was 36, not that it matters, but that is so strange to me, that someone as old as me would suddenly start using crack in their 30's.
Yep, I got so paranoid trying to get home the last time I used because I thought people were following me. I parked my car 2 blocks from my house, and walked for hours, kept turning the corner, thinking people had seen me smoking crack and some neighborhood watch was after me. Stupid stuff.
And a week has passed since I last used. Not tempted at least not yet. It is so strange how someone can go so long without using and then just opening up that can of worms, the madness starts, I know it is one of the cliches, (sorry can't spell)but addicts really do pick up right where they left off. And that really is the worst, trying to get one more hit, I can totally relate to what you have said, even with your dad and you chasing down your car. That sounds like something that would happen to me.
Congratulations on your turn-around, with school and everything.
Thanks again,
Kelly
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I'm sorry if I offended anyone with calling myself a crackhead, but I'm with (((Melissa))) - it doesn't make me feel bad about myself, it's just what I was and we called each other that with affection.
When I first got clean (NOT in recovery) I smoked some weed with friends...OMG, I was paranoid and stuck. I drove 2 hours home, convinced I was being followed by an unmarked cop car A lot of my coworkers smoke it, have offered it to me, and I tell them "um, getting paranoid and stuck seems to take all the "fun" of getting high away...no thanks". I used to smoke it when I was younger, no problem, but now? I think with all the jail time, hiding from cops, and recovery...it's just not something I want to do.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
When I first got clean (NOT in recovery) I smoked some weed with friends...OMG, I was paranoid and stuck. I drove 2 hours home, convinced I was being followed by an unmarked cop car
A lot of my coworkers smoke it, have offered it to me, and I tell them "um, getting paranoid and stuck seems to take all the "fun" of getting high away...no thanks". I used to smoke it when I was younger, no problem, but now? I think with all the jail time, hiding from cops, and recovery...it's just not something I want to do.Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Location: little rock, ar
Posts: 151
I'm alot like imperrfuct in the sense i'm not trying to offend anyone, but man, you have to be honest with yourself and what you are. If it walks like a duck and sounds like a duck, damnit it just might be a duck. There is no way I can casually use crack, I can't sit and watch the NBA playoffs with a nice scotch and a crack pipe with 40 dollars with of dope, sit down and have an enjoyable evening and go to sleep lol. NO, i'm not just going to spend this 50 dollars and use the other 200 to buy groceries.
I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, I am addicted to crack cocaine. I'm like Richard Pryor, I can just hear that pipe calling me at times. "man where you thin you going.. you know good and damn well you want to smoke me, stop playing around"
with that said, you can and eventually will recover.
The thing about crack is that it's really mental. I equate crack use with weight loss. Yo uknow say you are 5'8, 160 pounds (male) you are in okay shape. you start drinking alot, eating unhealty foods you get up to 180 pounds. you have a little gut there now lol. you go to the gym and do some half ass workouts but nothing really beucase i mean, it's not that serious. something comes up you miss a gym date and you don't go back. then 2 months later you are up to 195 pounds. you avoid looking in the mirror becuase you are out of shape. you know what you are doing is really really wrong, and not healthy but, i can't "find the right gym" or "it's all too confusing". then one day, you are 5'8, 220 pounds, and something happens, or something clicks, and you have had that just right ass whipping so to speak and you say look i don't care what has to happen this weight has to go and you get serious about it, and you now have the will power to over come the bumps and bruisis.
that's why I think relasps is so cronic when comes to crack use. For a logn time, the pros outweight the cons of using crack, even if we don 't want to admit it. But eventually there will come a time where the pain of using, will over come the joy of using and you will really have the will power to quit
i remember when i firs got clean, i was clean 8 months, somehow, i BS y ou not i made it 8 months without having any real urges ("went to rehab then lived in a chem free house). I had the faintest urge one Saturday morning, my GF had made me mad, made a B line straight to the dope house lol.
Yesterday, now, i'm about 5 months clean, it's funny i can make money all day long. I have figured out a trick for me. I can do all my money transferring and buying 90% through PayPal now. as long as the money is in paypal i can have 10,000 in my account and could care less. But the second it hits my hand I lock up lol. I mean can't think about anything else lock up. But now, i come up with ways not to use. I just put the money in my mom's savings account so i couldn't touch it lol. and not 5 seconds after I did that, craving gone.
[
it's a beast, but it can be slain.
I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, I am addicted to crack cocaine. I'm like Richard Pryor, I can just hear that pipe calling me at times. "man where you thin you going.. you know good and damn well you want to smoke me, stop playing around"
with that said, you can and eventually will recover.
The thing about crack is that it's really mental. I equate crack use with weight loss. Yo uknow say you are 5'8, 160 pounds (male) you are in okay shape. you start drinking alot, eating unhealty foods you get up to 180 pounds. you have a little gut there now lol. you go to the gym and do some half ass workouts but nothing really beucase i mean, it's not that serious. something comes up you miss a gym date and you don't go back. then 2 months later you are up to 195 pounds. you avoid looking in the mirror becuase you are out of shape. you know what you are doing is really really wrong, and not healthy but, i can't "find the right gym" or "it's all too confusing". then one day, you are 5'8, 220 pounds, and something happens, or something clicks, and you have had that just right ass whipping so to speak and you say look i don't care what has to happen this weight has to go and you get serious about it, and you now have the will power to over come the bumps and bruisis.
that's why I think relasps is so cronic when comes to crack use. For a logn time, the pros outweight the cons of using crack, even if we don 't want to admit it. But eventually there will come a time where the pain of using, will over come the joy of using and you will really have the will power to quit
i remember when i firs got clean, i was clean 8 months, somehow, i BS y ou not i made it 8 months without having any real urges ("went to rehab then lived in a chem free house). I had the faintest urge one Saturday morning, my GF had made me mad, made a B line straight to the dope house lol.
Yesterday, now, i'm about 5 months clean, it's funny i can make money all day long. I have figured out a trick for me. I can do all my money transferring and buying 90% through PayPal now. as long as the money is in paypal i can have 10,000 in my account and could care less. But the second it hits my hand I lock up lol. I mean can't think about anything else lock up. But now, i come up with ways not to use. I just put the money in my mom's savings account so i couldn't touch it lol. and not 5 seconds after I did that, craving gone.
[
it's a beast, but it can be slain.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,955
I Know the life as a coke smoker. It was the same for me as the meth smoking I did. Miserable life that was, fiendish for the dope, cant stop once I start, always hustling for more...man no way to live.
I know, as an addict its easy to slip back into the worst of it once one take that first hit.
Without being so over with it, I could just see me back at it.
I know, as an addict its easy to slip back into the worst of it once one take that first hit.
Without being so over with it, I could just see me back at it.
Not again
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Central NY
Posts: 1,139
This recoveredcrackhead has almost nothing to add to this nearly perfect thread, but maybe find a way to be without money for a while. Worked for me. Now I leave it at home as much as possible, unless I have a definite objective to spend it on and I make a bee-line to get rid of it.
Oh and a healthy, positive lifestyle really helps in avoiding all those thoughts. My buddy pionted out a clear tube poking out of a pocket, mentioning it looked like a crack pipe, my first thought was actually a nozzle for something inflatable. I love not thinking like a crackhead.
Larry
Oh and a healthy, positive lifestyle really helps in avoiding all those thoughts. My buddy pionted out a clear tube poking out of a pocket, mentioning it looked like a crack pipe, my first thought was actually a nozzle for something inflatable. I love not thinking like a crackhead.
Larry
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