souldumpling

so i won't get into too much detail, but i have a long history with mind altering substances, none which really did a total number on me until i decided to try good old heroin! i was gone after the first time. this went on for years, i switched to methadone, hated it, was stuck there for years, started using briefly again to get off the methadone, then checked into a detox and started on suboxone (intending to be on short term.) well i ended up staying on that for longer than i wanted, but have weaned myself down to a tiny little crumb every 3 days and hope to be completely off in about 3 weeks.

the problem is, the smoke in my head has cleared up, but now that it's pretty much gone i am realizing how completely and utterly lost i am. i don't really even know who i am anymore. i feel like i sold my soul or something.

i am getting exercise, just moved to the beach and am trying to associate myself again with all the things i did when i actually liked myself. i still feel like something is missing...maybe it's my self-esteem, maybe (well i'm sure) my brain is still recovering....but i can't help but feel lost and i am wondering, will i ever feel like "myself" again?

one thing is for sure...there is no way i am EVER going back to opiates. i was offered a script for a narcotic pain reliever at the ER the other night for a very minor injury and i told the doctor no way! pretty proud of myself for that one, seeing how he was really itching to give them to me.

i guess my question is...anyone else who has gotten clean, did you feel this way, and if so, how long did it take to feel normal again and what did you do to get there?

texasmagnum

Hi there, I think what you are going through is very normal, especially considering you mention a LONG history of substance abuse. I will say the people I have seen really get into that happy, good spot seem to focus on exercise, healthy living, and being patient and understanding with themselves when it doesn't happen overnight. I just read another similar post, just a few up from this one, from a young guy with 6 months recovery from meth... he was also struggling. It WILL get better but yet there WILL be bad days interspersed with the good, just like always. I think that you are exercising and that you moved to the beach both sound like wonderful choices. I am sure some people with more experience and better answers than me will be along soon but it sounds like you are doing exactly what you should be.

Latte

It is just going to take awhile.

I still have brain fog moments and it's been several years. It gets better! The healthy living, working out, eating right, etc. makes a big difference.

Patience is not my biggest virtue and like many other addicts, I'm a big control freak so it was so difficult for me to just wait. I remember those days, and I am grateful for those memories because they help my sobriety.

Sugah

I couldn't just quit and be happy. Several times in my using career, I abstained for extended periods, and I was miserable. Changing jobs, moving, finding a new relationship--none of those changes were significant enough to replace the drug. I tried everything--self-help books, studying religion, psychiatry and counseling. I was still me, left with a gaping hole where I used to put the drugs.

Where are you spiritually? I found a spiritual solution in the twelve-step structure that helped me be okay with me. Have you been to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting?

Peace & Love,
Sugah

larrylive

Welcome to the realworld, I myself have just recently returned(1yr ago) and am currently in the same position...lost or better yet confused. My obsesive ADD mind doesn't help matters much either.
But you know what you just made me realize, it's that we are now clean slates and we can become what ever our hearts' desire, and without drugs to interfere I am sure the path will be that much easier and more direct. So I guess what i am trying to say is pick a dream and run with it and if that doesn't pan out pick another.
remember; "life is a journey, not a destination, so enjoy the ride"

Larry

DOTHEDAMNTHING

SoulMan- I feel the same exact way that you do so don't worry your not alone. I have been clean for 50 days and i can count on 1 hand the times i have felt like myself in recovery. I also have the same feelings of no self esteem and have no idea who i am. I too have asked many addicts when I should expect to feel "Normal" again and i have recieved all different answers (90 days 60 days etc). But i will tell you the one answer that keeps me going that i have heard from all the addicts i have spoke too and that is that one day you just wake up and you feel like yourself again and realize there is no looking back. I will tell you that as ****** as i feel sometimes that keeps me going as well as my family. Stay strong..

larrylive

I was just wondering WHEN you last felt normal ? Because for me, if that means prior to my drug usage, I don't think I want to feel like 12 again.
so i think I like to say I feel better than I was and more so everyday. but I take an active role in my physical well being, diet and it is hard to eat healthy when you (I) don't cook. Exercise, for me that's just a part of my lifestyle. My biggest struggle is with my mental/emotional and unfortunately I am beginning to realize the hows and why's of co-dependancy, which still doesn't strike me as the correct term. I am definetly dependant on others, which sucks because i hate everybody. (that's a joke, I hope your all laughing) So I am now trying to replace my need for human relationships with a strong God based (Ooooo he said God) That's right he'a my buddy, my mentor and my allpurpose tool. He gets me out of alot of jams and helps me understand the mean of "because".

I'd like to say sit back, relax and enjoy the ride. But it's much better if you suit-up and get in the game.

Be Well
Larry

krug

It takes awhile for the smoke to clear. I'm 47, in recovery the 4th month, and I'm still out of it.

Take your time, develop yourself, you don't even know who you are or what you do yet. You are like a young kid in school. Try a bunch of different things and see which ones take. Exercise, music, drawing, reading, whatever.

Keep working on you, and regardless, you are now a brand new person.

LaurieC

Hi SoulDumpling,

I feel your pain.

I am 12 days clean today and I definitely see many parts of my old me but I certainly do not feel normal. And you know what, maybe we never will. Maybe that "not normal" feeling was part of what drove the addiction process.

I'm realizing that even though I was sober before drugs, I was uncomfortable. Searching for something. And so now, I have to create a new me--take all of the parts, bring in some new ones, and somehow, create the life I was always meant to have. Whatever the hell that is. Because I'm not sure.

I've lived in my brain alot and I have neglected my body most of my life. Everyone tells me--exercise, exercise. So I'm going to try to take walks every day. And I have this hope for meditation, even though I've tried it many, many times. It's hard! But I read alot of spiritual/self help stuff and meditation seems to be a constant theme of wellness.

And then there's diet. Ugh...don't even get me going....

I called my friend Megan on Tuesday, crying, "When am I going to feel normal? I'm edgy....I don't like it..." And she just said all those AA slogans--keep it simple, take it easy, one day at a time. It's true. The build up to becoming an addict and the active addiction is not a short process. We have to understand and be patient enough to realize the recovery is not going to be a short process either.

Stay in the day. Try to glean some joy from anything. Go to a meeting--helps with learning about gratitude. Ask for help (very tough one). Think about your lost, wandering feeling with a new perspective--as something maybe that you really need to experience to get to the next level. Feel pride about your sobriety!

So....hope that was helpful. This is what I tell myself every (insert favorite expletive here) day.

Laurie

iliveforyou

I am fairly new into my recovery myself and I struggle with this very thing. I never had a chance to discover who I truly am because I went from an extremely abusive childhood for 17 years right into drug addiction/alcoholism for 11 years. Here I am at 28, have no real sense of myself. Don't know who I am. I am completely lost. Thank you for this post, I am sorry I have no advice, it's just nice to know you're not alone sometimes.

I hope things are going a little better for you since your original post. Feel free to post away, you help a lot of people and might not know it

-Jess