gaijin

I live in Japan. I'm not Japanese but married to my Japanese wife. Her mother is almost 80. My wife was born 'late' for her generation. My mother-in-law's generation saw parents at ages 20 to 25. She had my wife at 37. Now, with no other family, it is just my wife and I alone to take care of her. There is no such thing as a 'old folks home' where she could stay. The places that are available are so expensive I could buy a house and hire a 24 hour nurse for 2 years.

My mother-in-law suffers from Parkinson's Syndrome. She has milked her illness to death. Her doctors tell her she is ABLE to do A, B, C. But she doesn't. Then when the doctor says "Well, she should probably no longer to 'D'" she remembers it very clearly and tries attribute it to everything else she DOESN'T do even when her doctors say "You should be doing this.". An example would be exercise...while she's not going to do a full day's worth of training in the gym, we ask her to do standing and sitting exercises. She will lay in bed all day and when it comes time for her to give a reason for not doing her exercises, we get "I felt sick." "I was tired (Even though she did nothing that day)" "I was going to but forgot." The list goes on forever.

In short, she won't do anything for herself. She constantly complains about "Too much food on her plate." "Walking to the kitchen is TOO much, today. (Which is every day)". I come home from work and before I do anything for myself, I make sure she's up, at the table in her room, sitting. And before I can get dinner to her, she's managed to move back to her bed to lay down. That's about the only thing she can do, without incident, without complaining...moving back to her bed.

She is an adult and yet I feel like I should be punishing her like a child. I can't...and so I find myself mentally drained yelling at her, explaining to her what she's doing to me, to her daughter. Explaining that her responsibilities are simply to exercise, eat, take her medicine and relax. She has the RELAX figured out, but nothing else. Everything is a fight.

I deal with anxiety, depression and stress. My wife is also depressed, although she won't admit it. Japan has a stigma with any type of mental illness. Her mother has nowhere else to go...we have no means of help. My family is in Canada. Today, I came home and was so out of mind my stressed that all I could do was go and buy a case of bear. I have meds that would knock me out but I didn't want to do that. I wanted to loath in my own self-pity for a while.

I don't know if anyone else has a similar situation or advice on this situation but I'm open to anything at this point.

nandm

She truly sounds depressed to me. I know you said that in Japan there is a stigma related to mental health issues but I would suggest getting her checked out.

I think there is a stigma attached to mental health issues no matter where you go. People who do not have them do not understand them so they minimize them as they do not understand they can be as debilitating as a major illness. Many times to the point of suicidal behaviors. I know for me I am fighting with a disability claim as many times I am not able to leave my home, have extreme difficulty with daily tasks, have memory deficits, etc...but yet the disability board can not see my mental health issues as debilitating rather they say I can still work. How can one work and hold down a job when they can not leave the house several days a week? How long would any employer put up with that? People think because I physically look healthy that I should just "pull myself up by my bootstraps". But enough about me.

Hang in there and don't let others opinions and fears deter you from getting help for her and her mental health issues.