Seeking Guidance and Support Please
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Washington State
Posts: 4
Seeking Guidance and Support Please
I am in great need of support and guidance. My mother-in-law-to-be is an alcoholic and has been struggling for many, many years, but in the past 5 years has been going downhill and the past 6 months it has gotten down right ugly. She is a wonderful, sweet-loving wife, sister, mother and friend to those who have stuck beside her.
In 3 months, she has been through 5 hospital-assisted detoxes and has done a community-funded treatment program that all go through for up to 5 days after a hospital detox. She has also been through a court-appointed DUI program for 2 years as well as inpatient/outpatient programs in the past 5 years. She attends AA on a somewhat regular basis.
Recently after her last detox, myself and boyfriend had her come live with us in my condo. It is small, but we made it work. I have never dealt with an alcoholic before, so this was all new to me.
We took her in to "keep her safe" a.k.a. away from her home where a neighbor supplied her alcohol. I had extensive conversations with her and felt we were making some breakthroughs. We were looking into sending her out of state for an inpatient program, but she adamantly refused stating she needed to do this herself, knew all the coping strategies and wanted to do it on her own (yes, I know many who read this agree, this was the addict talking). Slowly we starting weaning her back into her home life including AA meetings and getting her a cellphone to call us, her family, should an urge to drink arise. On day 29 of sobriety, she drank "a beer." I was devastated.
That night we went to their house, sat down and I assertively voiced my thoughts and opinions with her and told her the next stop was either an inpatient treatment program for 30 days or a women's shelter. She once again adamantly denied the offer, so we left on that note.
She remained sober again for another 30 days. Then on day 30, she went to the neighbor's house and had "a 24-oz malt beer with 12% alcohol." She was almost bragging it felt like when she told me what she did. She claimed to be at an AA meeting, but I was a step ahead and had the Family Locator on her cellphone and tracked her to the neighbor's house. She refused and to this day denies being at his house, but we know the truth.
So once again we are faced with another slip up. Unfortunately, her husband who HAS been involved in this situation, I feel, greatly, but you can tell he's tired of being kicked in the teeth, is having surgery tomorrow and will need assistance at home for 3 months to take care of their 3 large-sized dogs. Myself and boyfriend, of course, are going to help, but we have daytime jobs and can't take time off to be more of help.
This is the first time I've ever written a blog or reached out for help using the internet, I apologize for being so long-winded.
I want help for Donna. I want her to be happy with life, live to watch her son and I get married, be there in the delivery room when her first grandchild is born and most importantly be sober and happy!! I love this woman as if she was my own mother.
She adamantly refuses inpatient or outpatient programs. She goes to AA meetings, though not as often as I feel she should, which is Monday-Friday and church on Sunday.
What can I do? My biggest fear, which I am sure many people who have alcoholics as siblings, parents, husbands, wives or the dearest of friends, is she die from this disease. I've told myself since day 1 of becoming involved in this situation I want to give Donna every opportunity we can, that way if something did happen to her, I can lie my head down on my pillow at night and know I tried everything I could.
If anyone can take the time to give me feedback, tell me your story, give advice and/or guidance, it would truly from the bottom of my broken heart be appreciated.
Thank you all.
In 3 months, she has been through 5 hospital-assisted detoxes and has done a community-funded treatment program that all go through for up to 5 days after a hospital detox. She has also been through a court-appointed DUI program for 2 years as well as inpatient/outpatient programs in the past 5 years. She attends AA on a somewhat regular basis.
Recently after her last detox, myself and boyfriend had her come live with us in my condo. It is small, but we made it work. I have never dealt with an alcoholic before, so this was all new to me.
We took her in to "keep her safe" a.k.a. away from her home where a neighbor supplied her alcohol. I had extensive conversations with her and felt we were making some breakthroughs. We were looking into sending her out of state for an inpatient program, but she adamantly refused stating she needed to do this herself, knew all the coping strategies and wanted to do it on her own (yes, I know many who read this agree, this was the addict talking). Slowly we starting weaning her back into her home life including AA meetings and getting her a cellphone to call us, her family, should an urge to drink arise. On day 29 of sobriety, she drank "a beer." I was devastated.
That night we went to their house, sat down and I assertively voiced my thoughts and opinions with her and told her the next stop was either an inpatient treatment program for 30 days or a women's shelter. She once again adamantly denied the offer, so we left on that note.
She remained sober again for another 30 days. Then on day 30, she went to the neighbor's house and had "a 24-oz malt beer with 12% alcohol." She was almost bragging it felt like when she told me what she did. She claimed to be at an AA meeting, but I was a step ahead and had the Family Locator on her cellphone and tracked her to the neighbor's house. She refused and to this day denies being at his house, but we know the truth.
So once again we are faced with another slip up. Unfortunately, her husband who HAS been involved in this situation, I feel, greatly, but you can tell he's tired of being kicked in the teeth, is having surgery tomorrow and will need assistance at home for 3 months to take care of their 3 large-sized dogs. Myself and boyfriend, of course, are going to help, but we have daytime jobs and can't take time off to be more of help.
This is the first time I've ever written a blog or reached out for help using the internet, I apologize for being so long-winded.
I want help for Donna. I want her to be happy with life, live to watch her son and I get married, be there in the delivery room when her first grandchild is born and most importantly be sober and happy!! I love this woman as if she was my own mother.
She adamantly refuses inpatient or outpatient programs. She goes to AA meetings, though not as often as I feel she should, which is Monday-Friday and church on Sunday.
What can I do? My biggest fear, which I am sure many people who have alcoholics as siblings, parents, husbands, wives or the dearest of friends, is she die from this disease. I've told myself since day 1 of becoming involved in this situation I want to give Donna every opportunity we can, that way if something did happen to her, I can lie my head down on my pillow at night and know I tried everything I could.
If anyone can take the time to give me feedback, tell me your story, give advice and/or guidance, it would truly from the bottom of my broken heart be appreciated.
Thank you all.
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
You might want to repost this over at this part of the board: Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
As for helping her, well, she's right in that this is something she has to do. You are not responsible for her actions or decisions. If she allows alcohol to control her life, there is nothing at all you can do about it. I know that sounds blunt and uncaring - believe me, it's not. It is, however, the stark reality of the situation.
No one can control someone else's behavior. No one can change someone else's behavior. The best we can do is make certain that our own behavior is what we wish it to be. It sounds like you already have done everything you can do, and she still is deciding that she'd rather drink.
My father and mother are both alcoholics. My mother is past the point of return. My father is still functional in day to day things. I don't like it. I don't have to like it. But I accept that this is the path they have chosen to walk. I chose a different path. My path works for me. Perhaps their path works (in some way) for them.
I hope you can find a way to be at peace with the situation. Unfortunately, if they don't want to change, well, nothing changes if nothing changes.
As for helping her, well, she's right in that this is something she has to do. You are not responsible for her actions or decisions. If she allows alcohol to control her life, there is nothing at all you can do about it. I know that sounds blunt and uncaring - believe me, it's not. It is, however, the stark reality of the situation.
No one can control someone else's behavior. No one can change someone else's behavior. The best we can do is make certain that our own behavior is what we wish it to be. It sounds like you already have done everything you can do, and she still is deciding that she'd rather drink.
My father and mother are both alcoholics. My mother is past the point of return. My father is still functional in day to day things. I don't like it. I don't have to like it. But I accept that this is the path they have chosen to walk. I chose a different path. My path works for me. Perhaps their path works (in some way) for them.
I hope you can find a way to be at peace with the situation. Unfortunately, if they don't want to change, well, nothing changes if nothing changes.
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