How bad can it get?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 5
How bad can it get?
I've had depression for about 10 years. For 6 years I functioned ok; I worked, I got married, had a child, bought a house--always feeling bad, but able to cope.
I drank some in this period. Not regularily, but enough to where I began to feel a compulsion toward it.
Then I met Adderall, which made me feel good and normal for the first time in a long time. Of course, more was better, and that turned into a "hardcore" addiction after 1 year. I used it for 2 years, then gave it up (told my Doctor what I was doing). My depression became very bad at that point.
So I drank. 6 pints per night, for 2 years. I haven't been stable enough to work for about a year.
I stopped drinking about 6 weeks ago, and I guess that unmasked something, because my depression became worse than I handle.
This month I've gone to the ER twice for suicidal ideation and some actual planning, and spent a total of 13 days in psychiatric "wards."
My current state is hard to describe. It isn't really sadness, although for some reason I sometimes start to cry while describing how I feel (i.e. at the ER).
It's an "offness." As I mentioned in a thread in alcoholism, it's like something is infinitely wrong; like something has broken and can't be fixed. It has a nightmare quality to it, and I'm not using that word lightly. It is a terror that is different than any natural emotion. It's like the brain is really "erroring," on the level of a seizure, but there is no physical manifestation. It's like a migraine you don't feel directly, but are still somehow aware of the pain. It is truely profound.
On some days I experience actual akinesia, which is scary because I've never had a physical, quantifiable manifestion like that.
I don't know why I'm posting, exactly. I guess I'm not sure to do with myself, and any distraction--describing my depression is an effective one--gives me moments of partial relief.
Most likely I'll be going to the ER within the next few days; most likely headed for ECT.
Just wondering, in the mean time, how many people have actually reached this point, and recovered. I'm desperate for "survival" stories, because right now, being normal in the future is the only thought I can have that is not manipulated by the depression.
I drank some in this period. Not regularily, but enough to where I began to feel a compulsion toward it.
Then I met Adderall, which made me feel good and normal for the first time in a long time. Of course, more was better, and that turned into a "hardcore" addiction after 1 year. I used it for 2 years, then gave it up (told my Doctor what I was doing). My depression became very bad at that point.
So I drank. 6 pints per night, for 2 years. I haven't been stable enough to work for about a year.
I stopped drinking about 6 weeks ago, and I guess that unmasked something, because my depression became worse than I handle.
This month I've gone to the ER twice for suicidal ideation and some actual planning, and spent a total of 13 days in psychiatric "wards."
My current state is hard to describe. It isn't really sadness, although for some reason I sometimes start to cry while describing how I feel (i.e. at the ER).
It's an "offness." As I mentioned in a thread in alcoholism, it's like something is infinitely wrong; like something has broken and can't be fixed. It has a nightmare quality to it, and I'm not using that word lightly. It is a terror that is different than any natural emotion. It's like the brain is really "erroring," on the level of a seizure, but there is no physical manifestation. It's like a migraine you don't feel directly, but are still somehow aware of the pain. It is truely profound.
On some days I experience actual akinesia, which is scary because I've never had a physical, quantifiable manifestion like that.
I don't know why I'm posting, exactly. I guess I'm not sure to do with myself, and any distraction--describing my depression is an effective one--gives me moments of partial relief.
Most likely I'll be going to the ER within the next few days; most likely headed for ECT.
Just wondering, in the mean time, how many people have actually reached this point, and recovered. I'm desperate for "survival" stories, because right now, being normal in the future is the only thought I can have that is not manipulated by the depression.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 175
Hello verso,
I have only experienced depression while pregnant, but grew up watching my mother go through it. There were periods when medication would work and then when nothing seemed to work. My mother has had ECT on many occasions. She just had them again and this time they have worked and she is now on a maintenance plan. Some things have come to light now with this last hospitalization. My mother had become addicted to her anxiety medication and that was affecting the medications and past ECT treatments. There were also times when my mother was drinking a lot and on many nights. This also had a bad reaction to many medications she tried. I hope you speak to your doctor and are honest about your situation. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
I have only experienced depression while pregnant, but grew up watching my mother go through it. There were periods when medication would work and then when nothing seemed to work. My mother has had ECT on many occasions. She just had them again and this time they have worked and she is now on a maintenance plan. Some things have come to light now with this last hospitalization. My mother had become addicted to her anxiety medication and that was affecting the medications and past ECT treatments. There were also times when my mother was drinking a lot and on many nights. This also had a bad reaction to many medications she tried. I hope you speak to your doctor and are honest about your situation. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
I got nothin'
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: My house.
Posts: 4,890
I couldn't string more than 80 days sober in a row because of the suicidal thoughts. I got help through therapy and meds for depression. It was a nightmare--I was in the abyss. I don't ever care to go back. I hit some rough patches every now and again (I'm going through one right now), but that usually means I need a change in my meds.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Irish
Posts: 552
Hi Verso.............Join the Club..........I feel Horrible today,Thing is im just after thinking I did not Check my feelings List Today...........I'm ACA.........I dont know how to identify Feelings,They get all jumbled up.
Hold on a Minute..........
Ill check out a feelings list site.
Now........
Im Feeling Impatient,Irritated,Anxious,Frantic,Nervous,Panick y,Scared,Touchy.
Now Thats Better......Im feeling better already.
I now know why im feeling the way I am.........I have been Rushing around all mourning........taking care of everyone .........except myself.
Ill relax now and then mabie Ill go for a walk.
There is a Site below with a Feelings List.
It took me years to be able to figure out what is wrong with me.
I numbed my feelings as a child......then I Numbed them further with 25 years of Drink and Drug addiction.
http://www.google.ie/url?sa=t&source...KLfv1UFw1KIjyg
Hold on a Minute..........
Ill check out a feelings list site.
Now........
Im Feeling Impatient,Irritated,Anxious,Frantic,Nervous,Panick y,Scared,Touchy.
Now Thats Better......Im feeling better already.
I now know why im feeling the way I am.........I have been Rushing around all mourning........taking care of everyone .........except myself.
Ill relax now and then mabie Ill go for a walk.
There is a Site below with a Feelings List.
It took me years to be able to figure out what is wrong with me.
I numbed my feelings as a child......then I Numbed them further with 25 years of Drink and Drug addiction.
http://www.google.ie/url?sa=t&source...KLfv1UFw1KIjyg
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
You are not alone.
Once I got sober PTSD, depression, and bipolar hit me like a mac truck. Until then I was able to somewhat manage these conditions with numbing myself with alcohol but once I got sober I had to face these things alone. Over the past 10 years I steadily sunk into the depths of despair. There have been many days when I had to seriously fight the urge to just give up and quit trying. I have been sober 10 years now and during that time have watched myself go from an independent, vibrant, competent, person to a near recluse. It has been a battle to find not only the right meds but the right therapist. Up until this past month everyone just wanted to throw more meds at the problem rather than do therapy. I changed insurance at the first of the year and this company has given me both a therapist and a psych doc to manage the medicine end of things. I am praying that this combination will finally provide some relief. I have not been able to work since 2006. I once again have found a bit of hope that things might get better with the new approach to my treatment but also still have some reservation as past experience has shown me that things can easily get much worse.
I found sobriety through the program of AA and have had people tell me that if I would just work the Steps correctly then I would not be fighting with these issues. I have worked the Steps several times going by the exact directions in the Big Book so I know they are not correct and point out the section of the Big Book where it says they do not discourage people from seeking outside help as AA is the not the end all fix for all problems. It is for the treatment of alcoholism not psychiatric issues. So if you hear these types of things please do not let them discourage you.
Hang in there we only stand a chance to get better as long as we hang onto that thread of hope. There are many days when hope is all that keeps me going.
Once I got sober PTSD, depression, and bipolar hit me like a mac truck. Until then I was able to somewhat manage these conditions with numbing myself with alcohol but once I got sober I had to face these things alone. Over the past 10 years I steadily sunk into the depths of despair. There have been many days when I had to seriously fight the urge to just give up and quit trying. I have been sober 10 years now and during that time have watched myself go from an independent, vibrant, competent, person to a near recluse. It has been a battle to find not only the right meds but the right therapist. Up until this past month everyone just wanted to throw more meds at the problem rather than do therapy. I changed insurance at the first of the year and this company has given me both a therapist and a psych doc to manage the medicine end of things. I am praying that this combination will finally provide some relief. I have not been able to work since 2006. I once again have found a bit of hope that things might get better with the new approach to my treatment but also still have some reservation as past experience has shown me that things can easily get much worse.
I found sobriety through the program of AA and have had people tell me that if I would just work the Steps correctly then I would not be fighting with these issues. I have worked the Steps several times going by the exact directions in the Big Book so I know they are not correct and point out the section of the Big Book where it says they do not discourage people from seeking outside help as AA is the not the end all fix for all problems. It is for the treatment of alcoholism not psychiatric issues. So if you hear these types of things please do not let them discourage you.
Hang in there we only stand a chance to get better as long as we hang onto that thread of hope. There are many days when hope is all that keeps me going.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Irish
Posts: 552
Once the Pain body has taken me over I want more Pain.........This is a statement made by Eckhart Toille,To some extent I believe him.
Can I cover up the Pain body with Meds......Ive tried...........I could not do it.I was on Tranqualisers while attending AA for a few years..........I was going no where.
I have only made progress sense I gave up all..........I have lived with hope for quite a good while now.
I have PTSD,Hypertention.............Finding a way to deal with it is the hardest.
I have a good theripist and keep in touch with ACAs,attend 1 ACA meeting once a week.
I try to do so much on my own,because its a long lasting habit.
Im constantly trying to figure a way out............I just cannot do it.
I have so much to live for I will never give up.
Thats my experience of constant Extreame Body Pain.
It will go when it is ready.........More Therapy,Meetings,Shares,Contact with Suffering Friends.I will try to look at all the Progress I have Made.
The Glass is Half Full not Hafe Empty,
Ill keep on Keeping on.
Thanks for letting me share.
Can I cover up the Pain body with Meds......Ive tried...........I could not do it.I was on Tranqualisers while attending AA for a few years..........I was going no where.
I have only made progress sense I gave up all..........I have lived with hope for quite a good while now.
I have PTSD,Hypertention.............Finding a way to deal with it is the hardest.
I have a good theripist and keep in touch with ACAs,attend 1 ACA meeting once a week.
I try to do so much on my own,because its a long lasting habit.
Im constantly trying to figure a way out............I just cannot do it.
I have so much to live for I will never give up.
Thats my experience of constant Extreame Body Pain.
It will go when it is ready.........More Therapy,Meetings,Shares,Contact with Suffering Friends.I will try to look at all the Progress I have Made.
The Glass is Half Full not Hafe Empty,
Ill keep on Keeping on.
Thanks for letting me share.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 150
Yes- I know how you feel. But I'm bipolar so I always know I can wait it out and I'll go up. Have you been on antidepressants? I assume you have but keep in mind they may take a while and a few tries for them to work. Definitely do as your doc says- and hang in there. It did take me a few yrs to get the meds where I think this must be what non-depressed people feel like. Keep sharing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by dbearw 
Yes- I know how you feel. But I'm bipolar so I always know I can wait it out and I'll go up. Have you been on antidepressants? I assume you have but keep in mind they may take a while and a few tries for them to work. Definitely do as your doc says- and hang in there. It did take me a few yrs to get the meds where I think this must be what non-depressed people feel like. Keep sharing.
But anyway, medicine hasn't worked, and that's why ECT is on the table. Kind of a last resort thing. I've thrown everything at it I can: 30 to 60 minutes every day in a gym in cardio, omega-3's, mindfulness, overdosing on prozac (which leads to the very unpleasant "serotonin syndrome," and is something that of course should never be done, and that I only did in lieu of doing myself in), caffeine pills, etc. I haven't really explored the "inflammatory" theory of depression yet I guess... maybe I should try St. Johns Wort or antibiotics or something....
Thank you to everyone who has posted so far; some posts were encouraging, others indicative of a potentially huge mountain ahead, which worries me a little. But still, thank you for posting your reality--it helps just to be able to identify with someone.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 14,060
So far a combination of things have made my life go from unmanageable to manageable. Taking a SSRI and SNRI, having a dual-recovery treatment plan and therapy are some of the key components that help me today.
When I was in the depths of my PTSD and addiction symptom's, life had very little or no meaning to me. But when I sought treatment for my conditions I begun to nurture an attitude of hopefulness. Being hopeful has carried me along through the rough patches Ive had in treatment.
Today, with some learned life skills (CBT and stuff like it) I can manage relatively well. Sure there are some down days, but nothing like before treatment.
When I was in the depths of my PTSD and addiction symptom's, life had very little or no meaning to me. But when I sought treatment for my conditions I begun to nurture an attitude of hopefulness. Being hopeful has carried me along through the rough patches Ive had in treatment.
Today, with some learned life skills (CBT and stuff like it) I can manage relatively well. Sure there are some down days, but nothing like before treatment.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 150
Originally Posted by verso
On some days I experience actual akinesia, which is scary because I've never had a physical, quantifiable manifestion like that.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Irish
Posts: 552
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Irish
Posts: 520
Once the Pain body has taken me over I want more Pain.........This is a statement made by Eckhart Toille,To some extent I believe him.
Can I cover up the Pain body with Meds......Ive tried...........I could not do it.I was on Tranqualisers while attending AA for a few years..........I was going no where.
I have only made progress sense I gave up all..........I have lived with hope for quite a good while now.
I have PTSD,Hypertention.............Finding a way to deal with it is the hardest.
I have a good theripist and keep in touch with ACAs,attend 1 ACA meeting once a week.
I try to do so much on my own,because its a long lasting habit.
Im constantly trying to figure a way out............I just cannot do it.
I have so much to live for I will never give up.
Thats my experience of constant Extreame Body Pain.
It will go when it is ready.........More Therapy,Meetings,Shares,Contact with Suffering Friends.I will try to look at all the Progress I have Made.
The Glass is Half Full not Hafe Empty,
Ill keep on Keeping on.
Thanks for letting me share.
I typed this a couple of years ago////Im still the Same
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Irish
Posts: 520
Once the Pain body has taken me over I want more Pain.........This is a statement made by Eckhart Toille,To some extent I believe him.
Can I cover up the Pain body with Meds......Ive tried...........I could not do it.I was on Tranqualisers while attending AA for a few years..........I was going no where.
I have only made progress sense I gave up all..........I have lived with hope for quite a good while now.
I have PTSD,Hypertention.............Finding a way to deal with it is the hardest.
I have a good theripist and keep in touch with ACAs,attend 1 ACA meeting once a week.
I try to do so much on my own,because its a long lasting habit.
Im constantly trying to figure a way out............I just cannot do it.
I have so much to live for I will never give up.
Thats my experience of constant Extreame Body Pain.
It will go when it is ready.........More Therapy,Meetings,Shares,Contact with Suffering Friends.I will try to look at all the Progress I have Made.
The Glass is Half Full not Hafe Empty,
Ill keep on Keeping on.
Thanks for letting me share.
I typed this a couple of years ago////Im still the Same
Pure Radio Rental
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Off course, of course.
Posts: 952
Great thread, thanks.
Depression in my family history for sure.
I'm not sure what the difference between sadness and depression is.
I feel sad alot. At least I think it's sadness.
It makes more sense to me than "I feel depressed" for some reason.
It's a nagging emptiness, a kind of hollow feeling.
The most maddening thing about it is there really is no concrete reason for me to feel like this.
Now that I'm not drinking it's unmasked so it seems much more prevalent.
Depression in my family history for sure.
I'm not sure what the difference between sadness and depression is.
I feel sad alot. At least I think it's sadness.
It makes more sense to me than "I feel depressed" for some reason.
It's a nagging emptiness, a kind of hollow feeling.
The most maddening thing about it is there really is no concrete reason for me to feel like this.
Now that I'm not drinking it's unmasked so it seems much more prevalent.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 232
It's very helpful for me to read these posts as I've been struggling since Christmas with low mood and lack of motivation etc. the point about holding on to hope is going to stay with me today. I have isolated from friends and colleagues in the past few months as anxiety and depression keep me self obsessed and fearful... It's a relief to be honest and hopefully today will go well. My sobriety feels solid at over a year now. So I guess it's time to do the important work of tackling my depression which has occurred on and off for years.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 750
Thank you for posting this thread.
I have been sober for 9 month's and have dealt with a slew of symptoms.
Maria I feel exactly the same as you. Since xmas I just haven't been able to get my mojo and am starting to feel isolated an am even entertaining the thought of drinking again even though I know there is zero rationale in that…
Just work, get home, shut the heck down…get up restart. Very gloomy.
I have been sober for 9 month's and have dealt with a slew of symptoms.
Maria I feel exactly the same as you. Since xmas I just haven't been able to get my mojo and am starting to feel isolated an am even entertaining the thought of drinking again even though I know there is zero rationale in that…
Just work, get home, shut the heck down…get up restart. Very gloomy.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 5
Justincredible, drinking definitely won't help, it will just add to the wagon of bad feelings few more new ones.
verso, I have considered ECT as a "last resort" as well, but I'm not there yet (hope never will be) and side effects are just really really scary. Wish you best because I think I know the place you are in right now.
verso, I have considered ECT as a "last resort" as well, but I'm not there yet (hope never will be) and side effects are just really really scary. Wish you best because I think I know the place you are in right now.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 750
thanks for the reply Andyz,
Yeah I agree. I seemed to have gotten my mojo back the past few days. Yesterday was like I was high but hadn't taken anything. Very nice to know my brain can still produce feel good chems after the beating it took with my addictive behaviours.
I really wish I could dictate how good I felt ALL the time in sobriety.
Yeah I agree. I seemed to have gotten my mojo back the past few days. Yesterday was like I was high but hadn't taken anything. Very nice to know my brain can still produce feel good chems after the beating it took with my addictive behaviours.
I really wish I could dictate how good I felt ALL the time in sobriety.
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