kbsupaman

Smoking crack has ruined my life but it is not in shambles. Yesterday I spent the last of the money I had in my checking account, i'm unemployed, but my bills are paid up for a while. It has taken many many things from me but not everything. there are people close to me that do not know i've been using again. I would prefer they didn't find out. I want to quit forever but i know its a constant struggle. I need some support, i've come to realize that I can't do it alone. I'm currently enrolled in college and its been affecting my grades and attendence. I need to quit now before even more substantial damage is done to my life. What can I do to move forward? How do I push away the temptations? Its like I use as a reward to myself for accomplishing something that day. But I need to find healthier ways to reward myself. What can I do to reward myself.

Dee74

Hi kbsupaman

Welcome to SR

My drug wasn't crack but I used to want a 'reward' too - when I finally stopped and I looked back at it tho, it wasn't a reward at all....it probably sounds trite I know but living right really is its own reward for me now - I have money, I don't have to hide anything, I'm performing well in everything I do - and most of all I'm happy.

I know you'll find a lot of support here - have you considered face to face support as well - like NA or SMART, or counselling?

see you round
D

BarelyHere

I know you don't want anyone to know, but white knuckle sobriety will only get you so far. Secrets grow & flourish in the dark. If you let at least one person know that you really trust. It will not be a secret anymore. You will have someone else besides you & your addict voice to be accountable too. Read books on addiction. Go to a counselor who has confidentiality & learn some tools to help you cope. Go to meetings. Read & post on this board. Everyone here has experience & is here because they need the support or are willing to give support.
Good Luck

OutofIdeas75

Learn that you don't need to gain outside stimulus as a reward for obtaining success in anything you do. Pride comes from within, not from a pipe or pat on the back. I know it sounds like a crap answer, but it's a truth I learned recently...not just a line I'm regurgitating. I was rewarding myself for not using for "x" amount of days...by using... Completely void of logic, I know...

glitter

I wonder if you can find out if there is any help for you at school? You will most definitely not be the first person who will come to them with your kind of problem.

Check out student health and see if you can find out anything. They want you to succeed and so do we.

Do it, k?

larrylive

Welllll......Hey compadre, first and foremost you could reward yourself by not smoking crack. And as much as I would love to fill the post with my expeirence, strength and hope, I will save myself some hunt & peck time and suggest you read my thread recoveredcrackhead (I hope that doesn't sound like ego). I haven't been there in a while, because it ain't all about me anymore. So I shall post a qiuck hello on it, just to make it easy to find.
I wish you all the best, believe me when I say "been there, done that"

Larry

Impurrfect

Welcome to SR!! Like (((Larry))), I'm a recovering crack addict. I DID lose everything..career, in financial ruin, spent time in jail, etc.

However, I lurked on SR for over a year, finally joined at 6 months clean, and it has been a HUGE part of my recovery..will have 4 years in a week.

A couple of things that helped me was #1 - remembering my relapse..it was really, really bad, and I was miserable even when I was high because I'd thrown away clean time (though not recovery..just white-knuckled it).

#2, whenever the thought of using would enter my mind, I would tell myself "not an option...next". The "next" was a cue to distract myself..whether mentally or physically, I refused to entertain the thought of using.

It took a LOT of practice. I swear, there were days I'd do the "not an option" thing and remember the relapse every 5 minutes. However, somewhere down the line, in hindsight, I realized that I'd had a "I wanna be numb" feeling and my mind had automatically gone to distract mode. I didn't even realize it when it happened.

I've also found that I need support of both other RA's, but people who have known me most of my life, know all the good and bad. My family/old friends already knew...I'd fallen off the face of the earth for a good 2 years. Having someone to talk to when the "life stuff" just seems to suck, is a valuable thing.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

kbsupaman

Damn I just relapsed again thought i was done but somebody i live with just gave me some....once i smoked i spent the last little money i had...god help me i need to stop this is ruining my life and since all my money is gone my father i live with is going to find out...what do i do now

larrylive

Just so you know, I understand. And if you have not done the suggested reading I have posted more during my active addiction than during my recovery. (i think) What I am trying to say is don't give up. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back on that sober horse. Persistence will be the first reqiurement, and when you figure out what is working-practice. Just keep in mind the more we live clean, the cleaner we live or vice a versa.
Suggestion; how about a payee, I have lived all the arguements so save your breath. It's not the final solution, but what ever we can do to by us some distance and time will be well worth it in the end. Personally I had to become unemployed for a very long time, still am, but I don't smoke crack and for me that's the most important thing at this piont in my life. Hopefully it becomes yours.

Larry