Manwhosldthewld

Now I normally don't seek out help when it comes to this kind of thing I think because I don't like the embarrassment of being seen at the lowest points of my life. It's really hard to do this alone. This is the 3rd time I've kicked opiates. The first time I quit methadone and that was the hardest thing I'd ever done. Then I got back into a minor slump and quickly stopped. That time was easy to quit. But once again because I just naturally seem to flock towards the bad crowd. All the people who have nothing going for the them and are only going to bring me down, those are the people I've decided to make into my "friends". At this point in my life I'm 22 years old and my parents have let me stay at their house, again. I was staying at flophouses and sleeping on a bike trail for about two months and I've exhausted all my resources. I should be in jail for some of the stuff I did for money. It's disgusting. I'm so sick of myself and I need to stop and keep away from these people and places and things. Why does a drug like heroin exist other than to be an evil temptation that destroys or nearly destroys all who decide to mess with it? I don't have a problem with any other drug. I can watch someone smoke crack or weed or snort coke in front of me and I don't give a crap. But one mention of heroin or if my friends talk about doing it, it makes me want it so bad. Right now I'm about 36 hours without anything. Totally sober. My first reaction is to say this really sucks but it's not that bad. Honestly the hardest part about quitting heroin or any opiate is keeping your mind from freaking out. My "friends" are all so weak. They focus on the discomforts they are feeling and I watch them agonize and get to the point where they will do anything for money. I cannot judge tho. I've never physically hurt anyone nor would I ever but I stole and robbed. A guy that I knew called me cause he was sick and asked if I could help him out. Unfortunately for him I was sick too and I told him to meet me at the store nearby and I met him there and I took his money and told him to wait. I knew he was sick and I still did that to him. I'm so sorry. Now here I am sick just like I was. I might have made a friend that night but instead I screwed someone over. Wow. Oh ya here's another confession that I have to make. About 3 weeks ago my friends g/f sent me a text message asking me if I could get her some dope. I knew he had been letting her try it but now she wanted to get some for herself. I said "Sure, as long as you buy me a bag". She came over and I noticed she had her daughter in the car. Her daughter is probably about 7 years old. On the way back home from the dopeman she asked me if I had any needles. I told her how to buy them and I also told her how good it feels to shoot it up. I also told her how much harder it is to quit. She is hooked now and I hate myself for that. I don't know why but I really do prefer to be in misery alone. I could go out and sit in the living room with my family but instead I'm sitting here listening to music. I guess I got everything I needed to off my chest. I know that things will be so much better than they are now if I just keep going through this hell. Anyone else out there who is feeling down and you think you're alone, know that you are not alone and that we can quit this stuff. Life isn't that bad. Listen to music if you are down. Good luck

Dee74

welcome to SR

Good to have you with us here

Sounds like you're at a pretty low ebb, man....cleaning up and going back, again and again is no way to live.

Have you thought of checking out a recovery group like NA?
D

CarolD

welcome to sR
I moved your post here and
I hope you will find a lot of support

OutofIdeas75

Welcome, Manwhosldthewld! You'll find a lot of people here are either doing the same thing as you are (detox/recovering) or have already succeeded with the rough patches and are staying sober. A lot of good advice is here...

Right now, you need to work on you. The other stuff, making amends and such, you can do later (and much better when you have a clear head).

glitter

Welcome Man! Congratulations on your 36 hours!

Guilt - check
Shame - check
Isolation - check
36 hours sober and your mind freaking out - check

Mine wasn't herion, but I relate 100%.

Talk! Get it out! Spend some time looking around these forums. Come back often.

Are you someone who may already be familiar with the 12 step programs? The reason I say that is because you mention people, places and things. NA could quite literally save your life right now. If no NA around you, try AA. This is impossible to do alone.

Please don't pick up. You are NOT going to die from NOT using even though your mind says that you will - but you could very well die from picking up and using.

MelissaNoDrugs

At 22, you can save yourself a life of misery if you really want to address this now. Getting clean the third time is as good as any. Don't feel so bad about that.

At your age, I was probably on my 12th attempt. And of course, that was dozens of attempts ago. So feel good you are addressing this so early in life, but not too good. I hear a certain disgust with yourself reading your story. And I like self-disgust. It's very motivational, at least for a while. Remember why you quit. Remember the most worst parts, the stuff that makes you cringe. Good sober fuel.