Onewithwings

I am over-analyzing this relapse I had last week. I am freaking myself out. Plus, before my last relapse I told myself I would only relapse on something other than my DoC because I didn't know where to get it, so that made it harder to relapse, but I ended up relapsing on my DoC (DXM) anyway.

Now it so happens that I overheard a conversation on where to get meth in my town, and I am sketchy just knowing that because I have never done it but when I am in 'relapse mode' I often contemplate trying it, I just did not know where to get it before now.

I have lost touch completely with my HP, just not feeling any connection there, which means I am running my own life, and being the ****-up I am, that doesn't seem like a very good idea! I WANT to WANT to stay clean and sober, but for some reason I am still attracted to drugs and the lifestyle that goes along with it. I know where it can take me, I just don't care much anymore.

I don't know if I can do this again. I keep coming back though, even when I just want to run. I am trying, I really am. I am at a loss, though. I spend too much time in my own head with my messed up thoughts. I need to recover, but I'm not sure how to do it. I already take suggestions and try to do what I see others who have had success in sobriety do. But really, I'm about to break.

Sugah

The HP connection begins with a prayer: "[Insert Your Preferred HP Term Here], please help me." For me and many of the women I've worked with, an effort was necessary to go beyond, make it a running conversation--with spaces to listen, too.

What does this drug-seeking/drug-using lifestyle look like for you?

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Onewithwings

for me, it consists of using on my own, drinking and smoking at parties, driving around the ghetto hoping to run into 'something', etc. Not sure why it attracts me, but I just associate being clean with being bored and boring. I know that is not the case, but that's where my mind goes. I still don't know how to have a good time without using. I love the program, and I love the friends I have made in the program. We have a good time. But for some reason, I am still attracted to using as a way to enjoy life. And about half the time, I do. I have not reached a point where using/drinking is *always* a bad experience. Half the time I enjoy myself, half the time it's hell. It's a crapshoot, really. I know I am powerless over drugs and alcohol, and can't use/drink successfully. But I tend to glamorize drug and alcohol use in my mind.

Missybuns

If you want what we have to offer, and are willing to make the effort to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps.

This may sound familiar to you. Does it apply to you?

thatfeel

I know what you're saying but let's break it down.
Are you really attracted to that "way of life" because it's so fun to bop around the ghetto?
Or are you glamorizing it because of how high (numb) you are when you're living like that?
The associations between where you are when you're high and where you are when you feel sh*tty could be an effect here (Disclaimer: i am NOT a psychiatrist.)
You know that anecdote of the heroin user who builds up a tolerance at home, then uses that same dose somewhere else and goes comatose? Maybe the same thing is happening to you in reverse. Or upside-down or something.

Of course using drugs isn't *always* a *bad* experience, but falling into addiction is.

OutofIdeas75

If you have an addiction to DXM, I would stay far far away from meth. Look up the "Faces of Meth" website to get a view into how short a period it can take to go from a normal looking person to a husk of a human. It's an eye opener. I am not by any means discounting your addiction as being "trivial" at all. Addiction is addiction. Be it nasal spray, pain meds, muscle relaxers, DXM, crack or heroin...the base issue is the same. However, the side effects vary widely. I think of all the narcotics, meth is the scariest one to me. I've seen it destroy many of my friends... They went from normal everyday people to skeletons who would do anything to fill their pipe. It's horrible. I was one of the lucky ones, as I am actually allergic to ephedrine...so I cannot use meth at all. It would kill me, plain and simple.

Akayla

As to your potential desire to do meth; don't. Your post rang especially true to me because I did meth regularly for a couple years, never with any of the horrific side effects you hear about, but I definitely got addicted- and I don't think it was so much to the drug but the lifestyle that went along with it. I lived in San Francisco, where in my circle of friends it was very glamorized, cheap, and addictive (of course). While I was able to quit on my own, I have no idea how, and it went from me getting all dolled up to go to a swanky bar or concert and snorting it for a quick high to smoking it for 24 hours at a time to taking it to work - at a HOSPITAL - and doing it in the bathroom. I lost my job, but things could have been a lot worse.

You're not addicted to meth; I understand the temptation, but stay strong and stay away. That is one powerful drug and it can ruin you in a hot second.

Impurrfect

(((OWW))) - I was addicted to the lifestyle (recovering crack addict) as I was to the crack. It took me a while, to not be convinced my life was boring, wonder WTF to do with myself, but I did. Yeah, there were times it was fun, but the longer I was into it, the worse it got. When I relapsed, I was as miserable high (after about 2-3 minutes) as I was sober, then had to deal with the feelings of shame/remorse/guilt..I was near suicidal because I'd let myself and my family down.

You may not be at that point yet, but I assure you..keep going and you'll get there. I hung around with some people who did meth (I tried it...didn't like it)...they were some f'd up people...paranoid, some of them violent, hallucinating, etc.

FWIW, before I was introduced to crack, I abused opiates...a lot, but quit without a problem. You're talking about trying something else. Well, I did that with crack, and nearly 4 years later, in recovery, I'm STILL dealing with some consequences and some are never going to go away. Doesn't mean I'm not extremely grateful for my recovery and that I'm not doing my best to deal with the consequences, but just to let you know you're walking a thin line, here, my friend. You could easily become the me, I was, when I was out using.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Missybuns

I agree.
Meth brought me to my knees. It was the end of the line for me. I sought recovery.

Gratefully recovering,
Missy

larrylive

Mental Note


"I overheard where to get meth".....just another reason not to hang around them type of people, even if they are in "recovery"
People who never did drugs don't know where to get them, and they participate in sober activities.......just sayin

Larry

kiki5711

Next time you feel like using meth "read" the ingrediance and think twice if you really want to become a human "bomb".

Sodium hydroxide - aka, Lye

Classified as a corrosive, sodium hydroxide is one of the main chemicals in drain cleaner and is also used in aluminum etching and to create biodiesel. It’s also used by ranchers, serial killers, and city workers who must dispose of road kill to dissolve dead bodies. Carcasses are placed in a sealed chamber with sodium hydroxide and water, turning the body into a coffee-like liquid.



Anhydrous Ammonia

This substance, used in chemical fertilizer and as a commercial refrigerant, has extremely destructive effects on humans. Breathing the vapor can cause severe irritation and permanent damage to the lungs, throat, and eyes.

Because Anhydrous (meaning “without water”) Ammonia seeks out water and causes severe burns, any body part that comes into contact with it should be flushed with water for at least 15 minutes to remove the ammonia from the skin. One man even had his buttocks eaten away by improperly handling this stuff.



Iodine

Iodine is a natural element and helpful to the body in small amounts. But taken in large amounts, iodine can becomes toxic.

Extremely high does of iodine can limit the function of the thyroid. It takes roughly 4 bottles of iodine tincture to produce 2-3 grams of meth.



Matches - Red Phosphorus

By combining red phosphorus and iodine, you can easily create the highly controlled substance Hydriotic Acid which is an essential ingredient in making meth. Creating 2-3 grams of meth requires about 4 big boxes of matches. Here’s a better use of match sticks.



Ephedrine

The use of ephedrine in making methamphetamines is the main reason why many sinus medications like Sudafed, with active ingredient of ephedrine, are under lock and key at grocery stores and pharmacies now.

Ephedrine causes the brain to release dopamine, a chemical naturally produced by the body that evokes feelings of elation on the same level as sex, food, and other rewards necessary for species survival.

Ephedrine’s effect of releasing dopamine is thought to be the reason why people become so addicted to meth. The problem is that by artificially creating dopamine chemically, meth users eventually lose the ability to feel happiness at all.



Ether

Once called “sweet vitriol” because of its hypnotic effect, this highly flammable substance is used as an anesthetic agent - especially in third world countries where more expensive anesthesia is not available. While inhaling the compound, patients could undergo complete surgical procedures while otherwise awake without feeling pain or concern.



Drano

The product label warning says it all:

DANGER: MAY BURN EYES AND SKIN ON CONTACT. HARMFUL IF SWALLOWED. Avoid contact with body and clothing. TOXIC GAS MAY FORM IF MIXED WITH OTHER CHEMICALS. If gases are released, leave immediately and ventilate area. FIRST AID: Give Immediately: EYES AND SKIN: Flush with water for 20 minutes. Remove affected clothing. IF SWALLOWED: Rinse mouth and drink a glass of water or milk. Do not induce vomiting. THEN SEEK MEDICAL AID.



Brake Fluid

When working with brake fluid, be careful not to spill it on your car as it will eat away the paint and chrome. You’ve also got to be careful using brake fluid around other household chemicals because its high concentration of polyethylene glycol can cause it to ignite in a violent fireball. But meth users don’t mind putting it into their body for the tradeoff of a high.



Lighter Fluid - Butane

Starting to see why meth labs blow up so frequently? This highly flammable liquefied gas is used in the cooking process. When inhaled directly, butane can cause drowsiness, narcosis, asphyxia; cardiac arrhythmia and frostbite, which can result in instant death from Asphyxiation, Acute toxicity and ventricular fibrillation. When it’s ingested, lighter fluid causes gastrointestinal problems, lethargy, diarrhea, and in high enough doses, death.



Hydrochloric acid

This highly corrosive liquid is used to remove rust and iron-oxide from steel, leather processing, household cleaning and to produce organic compounds such as PVC pipe and polyurethane. It also makes up the majority of the gastric acid in human digestive fluid. In high concentrations, hydrochloric acid will literally eat away human flesh.

Batterlies

lithium taken out of batteries.

Onewithwings

I know what meth is made from, and have seen faces of meth, montana meth project ads, etc. I don't REALLY want to do it, but the temptation is there, and I have a tendency to FEAR-- "F*** Everything And Run". This is the type of stuff I "run" to. When I stop caring about my sobriety, I do a 180 and just don't care what I put in my body or what it does to me.

Akayla

Are you still feeling like you want to use meth or has that subsided. I see it says you're a mom; trust me, meth is the one thing you don't want to bring into a family. All drugs are bad no matter what, worse if you have kids, but meth changes you as a person. When you're high on meth, your kid could go missing and you wouldn't even notice. The high is that severe, as are the consequences. It will change the mom you are very, very quickly. My ex-roommate lost custody of her 4 year old daughter because of her meth addiction, and is just now getting supervised visits with her. The daughter is now 8. I was lucky with meth and to this day have no earthly clue how I was able to stop, and I have no family- I have no one but myself to worry about.

Don't introduce another drug- what is in my opinion just the absolute worst drug because I've seen it WRECK people in no time flat, when you are already a slave to another substance. You're worth more than that.

Good luck, hang in there.

~A

kiki5711

I've done "my bit" of drugs in my youth but even then I wanted quality stuff.

This is something I don't understand. Why would you desire such a distasteful/disgusting drug?

Sugah

OWW, I know you struggled in the past, and though I've read your early posts, I don't recall a whole lot. I don't have time right now to go back through and find the answer to my question, which is this: How much have you lost as the result of your addiction? Has your husband ever left and taken your child (children?) away from you? Have you been arrested or hospitalized against your will? Has your family (other than your husband) turned their backs on you? Have you cleaned out the family checking account, quit paying bills, or sold possessions to feed your habit?

I'm asking because, if you have, you know there's more of the same and worse waiting for you. If you haven't, I just pray you're not one of those kinds of addicts who have to have a material bottom in order to find the level of willingness needed to recover. You pick up meth, you're likely to get there quickly, if you live through it.

The way you're talking --

-- is in the present tense. So, it's part of your reality. This is who you are, not who you were as you're doing what you can to become someone else.

Let me ask you this: Before you picked up the DMX, did you call someone and talk about the urges you were having? That's one of the first suggestions I was given when I came into the rooms. If you didn't do that, then you're not taking suggestions. Did you pray before you drank it? That's another suggestion. My sponsor cites that one as the thing that finally kept her clean. She always prayed after using, not before. She's been clean ten years since the light bulb came on. "Gee, this prayer thing might work better before than after."

What kind of suggestions are you taking--and which are you disregarding?

As for being drawn to the lifestyle, the allure of that crap faded for me somewhere around six months or so clean. By then, my head had started to clear enough that I was able to fill my life with activities other than television and gossip sessions (talking about me here, not you) to pass the time.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Timebuster

Sugah, I'm sitting here thinking the same thing.

OWW, what the heck happen to you when you was doing so good.

TB

Timebuster

OWW, Remember This?

I think it's time for you to get back to basics.

TB