long road ahead?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 5
long road ahead?
been through enough, i thought... rehab, inpatient/outpatient programs, meetings, when i go somewhere and they talk and talk about problems and mention drugs and/or alcohol, it just gets into my mind that i feel like using.
just hearing about substances makes me feel like i want to get obsessed with a substance. i know meetings are very helpful to masses of people, but why can't i feel it too? i went to meetings almost every night or day last year and a half but i can't seem to get a grip on my life and turn it around. can't say i'm sober because although i'm off the opiates, i still take benzos for panic attacks and pop a couple of mucinex dm or ambien a few times a week just because my brain thinks i "have to have something" i guess. i've been diagnosed bi-polar since childhood and have been on almost every combination of psyche meds out there but i haven't been able to hold a job lately or anything. i've tried going without any medications at all and that ended up badly, so i guess i just need i don't know, i don't know what to do. when is enough enough? how many bottoms do you have to hit until you just can't take anymore? i pray and i meditate and i just hang on. thanks for listening.
just hearing about substances makes me feel like i want to get obsessed with a substance. i know meetings are very helpful to masses of people, but why can't i feel it too? i went to meetings almost every night or day last year and a half but i can't seem to get a grip on my life and turn it around. can't say i'm sober because although i'm off the opiates, i still take benzos for panic attacks and pop a couple of mucinex dm or ambien a few times a week just because my brain thinks i "have to have something" i guess. i've been diagnosed bi-polar since childhood and have been on almost every combination of psyche meds out there but i haven't been able to hold a job lately or anything. i've tried going without any medications at all and that ended up badly, so i guess i just need i don't know, i don't know what to do. when is enough enough? how many bottoms do you have to hit until you just can't take anymore? i pray and i meditate and i just hang on. thanks for listening.
I got nothin'
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: My house.
Posts: 4,890
Welcome to SR, harnois.
If your meds for bi-polar aren't working please consult with your doctor and be honest about your history and current drug usage. It's never a good idea to self medicate.
Hang in there and welcome again.
If your meds for bi-polar aren't working please consult with your doctor and be honest about your history and current drug usage. It's never a good idea to self medicate.
Hang in there and welcome again.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
One thing at a time, dude
Hey.
I hear you. You are being very hard on yourself, and you have taken some very real steps to recovery.
Most people who have done multiple substances will tell you that every one of them is different. Benzos are different from opiates, different kind of withdrawal, different kind of head trip.
I can't give you medical advice here, nor can anyone here, but I did find this website helpful for psych drugs like benzos:
The Road Back. How to withdrawal off psychotropic medication. Lexapro spotlight.
Most of these kinds of websites want to sell you a bunch of vitamins, but they contain a lot of good information nonetheless. I never bought any of their s--t, which may be good I'm sure, but I used the information they provided.
Also this one:
The oxy survival-guide.pdf
You need someone you relate heavily too, maybe an NA sponsor, maybe a SO, but somebody who cares about your not using to the place where they would stay up all night with you when you are hurting.
Post here. Ask for help. Keep going to meetings, but go WITH someone who knows you, cares about you. You are alone in your head at the same time you are in the midst of a throng of people.
Don't try to do this alone.
I hear you. You are being very hard on yourself, and you have taken some very real steps to recovery.
Most people who have done multiple substances will tell you that every one of them is different. Benzos are different from opiates, different kind of withdrawal, different kind of head trip.
I can't give you medical advice here, nor can anyone here, but I did find this website helpful for psych drugs like benzos:
The Road Back. How to withdrawal off psychotropic medication. Lexapro spotlight.
Most of these kinds of websites want to sell you a bunch of vitamins, but they contain a lot of good information nonetheless. I never bought any of their s--t, which may be good I'm sure, but I used the information they provided.
Also this one:
The oxy survival-guide.pdf
You need someone you relate heavily too, maybe an NA sponsor, maybe a SO, but somebody who cares about your not using to the place where they would stay up all night with you when you are hurting.
Post here. Ask for help. Keep going to meetings, but go WITH someone who knows you, cares about you. You are alone in your head at the same time you are in the midst of a throng of people.
Don't try to do this alone.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Harnois))) - welcome to SR! I have a few friends who are bipolar, and I know that when the medication isn't "right", that's a hard thing to deal with.
As far as the obsessing, I did that when I first got off crack (had abused alcohol, then opiates, before, but quit both without a problem). I had a pretty low bottom, even worse relapse, and it helped me to remember that relapse...where I was, what I was doing...not pretty. I also told myself "not an option..next" with "next" being a cue to distract myself...whatever it took (besides any substance) to change my thinking. Probably had to do it over 100 times a day, for a while.
Now, when the rare urge to "get numb" comes up, it's gone and I've distracted myself without even thinking about it.
I really, really had to focus on the BAD stuff using did for me...downplay all the "fun" I thought I had (yeah, being homeless, hiding from the cops, etc. all that seemed "normal" and exciting at the time). I chose recovery, and left behind the man I loved because he wanted to continue to use. He died last year...in a crackhouse. It could have been me, and I came close a few times. I don't know if I HAVE another recovery in me, so I'm holding on to the one I have with everything I've got.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
As far as the obsessing, I did that when I first got off crack (had abused alcohol, then opiates, before, but quit both without a problem). I had a pretty low bottom, even worse relapse, and it helped me to remember that relapse...where I was, what I was doing...not pretty. I also told myself "not an option..next" with "next" being a cue to distract myself...whatever it took (besides any substance) to change my thinking. Probably had to do it over 100 times a day, for a while.
Now, when the rare urge to "get numb" comes up, it's gone and I've distracted myself without even thinking about it.
I really, really had to focus on the BAD stuff using did for me...downplay all the "fun" I thought I had (yeah, being homeless, hiding from the cops, etc. all that seemed "normal" and exciting at the time). I chose recovery, and left behind the man I loved because he wanted to continue to use. He died last year...in a crackhouse. It could have been me, and I came close a few times. I don't know if I HAVE another recovery in me, so I'm holding on to the one I have with everything I've got.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Stopping the Train...
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Sevierville, TN - in the valley of the Great Smoky Mountains
Posts: 978
I know exactly where you're coming from about the triggers of just hearing the name of certain drugs. Meetings are NOT supposed to be about specific drugs. Specific drugs should NOT be mentioned. I've been to a lot of meetings all over TN, KY and GA and they all have it in their formats not to mention them, but some still do.
In my first home group the drugs were not mentioned in the meetings unless it was a newcomer, but the "after meeting meetings" were often war stories. I would be totally twisted and wanted to use. I didn't have enough sense in early recovery to walk away or say that the drug references and/or war stories were blowing my mind up. I finally got the courage up to start saying something to the people I felt most comfortable with. The war stories/drug references began to stop. Now they don't do it anymore. They saw how it affected a newcomer.
I have NO experience with being bi-polar, although when I relapsed and went into detox in late June the doc and therapist suggested I may have it. I was detoxing! How can they know? For me - the anxiety is mostly gone. I still have attacks now and again. I still don't sleep well, but manic I am not! Sure I go through depression (and major feelings in general - wanting to use being one of them) because I don't do drugs anymore. Learning to live with my feelings by working the steps, applying the steps, are allowing those symptoms to not be so consuming.
I also know several people diagnosed as bi-polar before they started using drugs. One of them has helped me understand the illness very well. Being honest with the doc and adjusting the meds as needed has worked for them. Self-medicating is not the answer.
There is hope... :-)
In my first home group the drugs were not mentioned in the meetings unless it was a newcomer, but the "after meeting meetings" were often war stories. I would be totally twisted and wanted to use. I didn't have enough sense in early recovery to walk away or say that the drug references and/or war stories were blowing my mind up. I finally got the courage up to start saying something to the people I felt most comfortable with. The war stories/drug references began to stop. Now they don't do it anymore. They saw how it affected a newcomer.
I have NO experience with being bi-polar, although when I relapsed and went into detox in late June the doc and therapist suggested I may have it. I was detoxing! How can they know? For me - the anxiety is mostly gone. I still have attacks now and again. I still don't sleep well, but manic I am not! Sure I go through depression (and major feelings in general - wanting to use being one of them) because I don't do drugs anymore. Learning to live with my feelings by working the steps, applying the steps, are allowing those symptoms to not be so consuming.
I also know several people diagnosed as bi-polar before they started using drugs. One of them has helped me understand the illness very well. Being honest with the doc and adjusting the meds as needed has worked for them. Self-medicating is not the answer.
There is hope... :-)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 5
thanks for welcoming me, i'm relieved to say i am in a better state of mind today...
thanks for your suggestions, but when it comes to going off of psychotropic medications, that usually lands me in the "mental-rest-place" i call it, i am so tired
of being in those treatment centers, but sometimes my brain just tells me i don't need
my mood stabilizers or anything anymore then i go off of it - everything - all substances- then i have a manic episode and end up doing all sorts of stuff i didn't even know i would ever be capable of doing. stuff i cannot fathom the thought of... i just need to hang on, "suffer well" (as Depeche Mode sings) until i get back to my original psychiatrist in march, so, thankfully i haven't been "needing" any benzos or crap lately and i'm sticking to my mood stabilizers and waiting to see the Dr. and I will be truthful with her and, well she knows all about the drug abuse stuff anyway, but - i need to figure out something, you know...
thanks for your suggestions, but when it comes to going off of psychotropic medications, that usually lands me in the "mental-rest-place" i call it, i am so tired
of being in those treatment centers, but sometimes my brain just tells me i don't need
my mood stabilizers or anything anymore then i go off of it - everything - all substances- then i have a manic episode and end up doing all sorts of stuff i didn't even know i would ever be capable of doing. stuff i cannot fathom the thought of... i just need to hang on, "suffer well" (as Depeche Mode sings) until i get back to my original psychiatrist in march, so, thankfully i haven't been "needing" any benzos or crap lately and i'm sticking to my mood stabilizers and waiting to see the Dr. and I will be truthful with her and, well she knows all about the drug abuse stuff anyway, but - i need to figure out something, you know...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Indiana
Posts: 1,486
If your doctor cannot or will not work with you to adjust your medications so that you can get and stay clean...get another doctor.
Aren't you worth a second opinion?
There are many, many recovering addicts who use medications for mental and emotional health successfully as prescribed by their doctors.
Aren't you worth a second opinion?
There are many, many recovering addicts who use medications for mental and emotional health successfully as prescribed by their doctors.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by Missybuns 
If your doctor cannot or will not work with you to adjust your medications so that you can get and stay clean...get another doctor.
Aren't you worth a second opinion?
There are many, many recovering addicts who use medications for mental and emotional health successfully as prescribed by their doctors.
Aren't you worth a second opinion?
There are many, many recovering addicts who use medications for mental and emotional health successfully as prescribed by their doctors.
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