svtmustang89

I really have no idea why I'm writing this.
I'm 21 years old, male. I got into a bad car accident 3 years ago when i fell asleep at the wheel. I was put on a **** ton of different pain killers. By the end of the 2nd year after the car accident I was prescribed 40mg of OxyContin twice daily and 30mg of Roxicodone taken for break thru pain up to 6 times daily. I have always been pretty reserved, I like being alone. I have always suffered from severe anxiety and separation anxiety (from my mother) sense a young age. It got so bad when i was in 6th grade I was home-schooled the rest of my life and graduated with a diploma at age 16. Not too bad. I think I'm fairly intelligent. An in all honesty i would much rather play video games and smoke weed then hang out with anyone. I am more comfortable at home around my mother anyway. Anyhow, I started to abuse the OxyContin by crushing and snorting it in order to feel its effects faster and relieve more pain then taking it whole. Before I know it I have a 300mg a day habit. I'm running out of my prescription very quickly and start buying 80mg OxyContin tablets to help my pain and addiction until I get my legit prescription's refilled at the end of the month. I got fired from my job at an accounting firm because I was caught crushing one of my pills in a conference room on my lunch break. Shortly after that I got into another car accident (not my fault and not drug related) then sold my car because I don't want to drive anymore. I physically shake whenever I am in a car (because of what happened in the past) I'm spending my entire savings on oxycodone (and occasionally china white heroin if I can get oxycodone) I would say once a week or so I will IV the oxycodone or heroin just to feel a little bit better and be a little less miserable. My sister won't talk to me, My mother...geeze...I don't even know what she thinks about me. I've lost my job, sold my car, and am spending all the money I have saved all these years on opiates. Tonight, Was kind of the last straw for me. My sisters boyfriend assaulted me when I went to go try to talk to my sister. I never once raised my voice but he walked up to me told me to leave, I said hang on a minute...and he beat me up pretty badly. No, I'm not calling the authorities. I don't really trust the police, plus I was wrong. I didn't leave when he told me to. Tonight I'm seriously considering taking a lethal amount of Opiates and Benzodaizapines (Ativan and Klonopin) having a scotch and going to sleep forever. I do not enjoy my life at all. I don't WANT to quit using drugs. It's the only thing that keeps me pain free and it makes me just a little less miserable with my life. Plus it kinda helps my severe anxiety. It makes me..well..normal? If you can call it that.

grateful101010

Your mother loves you. If you kill yourself, she'll hurt way worse than you do now. Possibly for the rest of her life. Go to an NA meeting. Get help. Your life is worth living without all these pills. Read this website all the time, read other people's stories, you'll see many of them were where you are now.

svtmustang89

Meetings are not my thing. That is wayy out of the question for me. I would rather spend time in jail then go to a meeting with a bunch of people sitting around talking about there feelings. No offence, Just not me.

grateful101010

Meetings are better than jail because you can just walk out any time you want. Plus no one's going to rape you.

Impurrfect

((svt))) - please call a suicide hotline...talk to someone. There are many mom's on here, who have lost their sons/daughters to OD, whether intentional or accidental, and they will never get over it.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

OChromeIsClean

Hey man. It sounds like you're going through a more than rough time. Life IS liveable w/o Opiates. I promise.

I was doing 200-300 Mgs a day for about 2 years and I'm CLEAN! I didn't "WANT" to quit doing drugs either. But it was the best choice. I got back into school and I start next week. Things are getting nothing but better while clean.

One thing I know for sure: If quitting is stressing you out to the point where you don't want to live anymore, then DON'T. Maybe you're not ready yet. It's not worth dying for man - nothing is.

Grateful is right. Your Mom loves you, and she'll be much worse off if you decide to go through with all this.

Idk dude. Just try and think it all through. CALL your Mom and tell her that you're having a ****** up time with all this or something. I know I felt much better after I told my Mom about everything. Keep your head up dude and try to do the next right thing.

Nissan87

Do not kill yourself. . . I am the mother of three kids and I would want to die also if one of my children took their own life. You need to get some help NOW. Have you told your mother everything? Is there anyone you can talk to?

svtmustang89

My father is probably the biggest a-hole on this earth. Beat the living **** out of me almost my entire life (and still does if i ever come across him) my mother is here..but shes not here. She never speaks to me. She has kind of disowned me just like my sister. I don't have ANY friends. I'm not exaggeration. I have no friends at all.

Sugah

Nobody can talk you into wanting to get clean, but if you get to a point where you do want to, there's help. NA's not about sitting around talking about feelings; it's about getting and staying clean, living the kind of life and being the kind of person who doesn't need drugs to live.

One day, you can make that decision, but you've got to stay alive to do it. I've been where you are--in pain, feeling broken, feeling useless, no idea why I was here or why I should stick around. I'm not in that place anymore. It took time and it took work, but first I had to grab onto some hope that I could live. I borrowed hope from others.

Please take Amy's suggestion and call the suicide hotline -- 1-800-273-8255. They can get you some help, keep you safe, let you come around a little bit. A fight with your sister's boyfriend can be a small thing long in your past. Stick around. Call. Please.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

svtmustang89

I don't want the police taking me to the hospital. That's what happened last time my sister called that damn number. I don't even know why im here. Peace

grateful101010

Just try smoking weed and playing video games tomorrow if that's what you like to do. Half of America is doing that right now anyway. It's not the most productive use of your time, but it's not going to hurt you either.

windysan

Get help now. If you kill yourself the terrorists win.

psychedeliack

Hey bro, I totally resonate with you. I think you are here because you probably know that these painful situations are not so rare and that there are people out here that understand and care. There are many people who have gone through, are going through, and will go through what you are going through, and much worse.
Please don't do anything that you wont be able to regret in the morning. Im new to this place too, I joined because I probably feel a lot like you do these days and seem to share a similar position, you are surely not alone in your angst ridden battle for peace. Family drama really gets me seriously down as well man, especially if it results in getting beat up, I dont blame you in feeling the way you do. Still, I think you'll agree in retrospect that its not worth taking your own life.
Reading about others stories and situations on this site can really help a lot. If you are serious about suicide, please, at least give the suicide hot-line a chance.

kiki5711

I detect a larger problem that directly affects your addiction.

Maybe removing yourself from your environment will help steer you towards seeking help.

If your father was so abusive, I can't see how keeping you home (home schooling) and making you so attached to her, is helping you any at all?

justjo

Mustang,
I read your posts a couple of times. What stood out to me was "it takes away the pain'.
You know, life has been a real bitch to me too. Im much older than you and pain still faced me up until last year and now. I use to wonder what he heck I had done to deserve all this pain in my life. Some things we can control and other things we just cant control. It took me all these years to realize that, I can control most of it by my thinking. Seriously, if I think the worst, it will be the worst, if I think Its great, It more than likely will be.
Lifes a bitch sometimes and I wonder what did I do to deserve this. It was absolutely nothing, WE CANT CONTROL OTHER PEOPLE so...... tell yourself that Yes your father is an ass__ole and Yes your sister is nasty for not wanting to talk to you. BUT in T i m e, this will change if you let it. Maybe just maybe, your mum and sister need a little time to work on things with you. Maybe you just need sometime to sort a few things out with the drugs. Get clean, get help you can do it if you really want to. Right now, you maybe thinking there is no use, but you know what, I believe you are here for a reason in life, a purpose in life. Why else were your born... not just to accept abuse from people. There are many other reasons you are here..
Stand tall for once and be proud of yourself. You can do it, ok JJ

dreamscape

take a deep breath.

If you would like a new and exciting life, then you need to stop using and take your life back.
I am doing the same right now.
I hanged myself once and was cut down by someone who walked in. This suicide attempt had horrible consequences for me and it caused alot of pain for family and other people I didnt even know would be effected. It was a hard hole to climb out of.

Please dont go there!

Dope causes major problems but addiction can be arrested!
I know you dont want to stop but if you can just take a small leap of faith and go to a NA meeting, or get a drug counsellor or whatever it takes , you (if you really want it) can turn your life around and be happy once again.

I think you first (though) need to call 911 and get yourself safe.

Take steps now to keep yourself safe and do something about your addiction.

MelissaNoDrugs

I hope you're alive this morning. If you are, take some advice from an old lady:

You are so young, you have you whole life ahead of you! These things that weigh you down, they are temporary. Do not let a hole in the road end your trip. You have no idea what wonders lay ahead.

So you're a druggie. Big deal. Some of the most fascinating people who ever lived were drug addicts. That is no reason to end it all, in fact it is more reason to fix yourself now so you can get down to the business of having a decent life. And regarding the assualt you suffered, there is no reason to excuse, condone or permit violence. It doesn't matter if you were told to leave, that does not justify physical violence. You have good reason to seek protection and action via the authorities, regardless of your feelings about police.

Let us know you're okay please.

Ocelot436

I have been and still sometimes find myself in your shoes on occasion. For medical reason I have been an opiate addict for 18 years. Honestly I shouldn't even be alive. Many times I've put guns to my head. There was no calling out for help that I didn't want. In my mind I just thought it would be easier to be dead rather then living this boring, lonely, drugged out existence I made for myself.
Did you catch that? "I made for myself."
Well the only thing that keeps me from doing it is how will I ever know what kind of happiness may be waiting AFTER I undo what I have done to myself with pain, loneliness, and empty life narcotics have given me.
Look into you soul and find a way to move away from suicide. How will you ever know what happiness awaits you if your dead?
You are not alone.

Ocelot436

We all have felt or still feel this way. We all felt normal when we were high. It was the only normal thing in our life. So we thought....

rinky

I can tell u that no one wants to go ,when they go, even when u get better, procrastination sneeks in. I can also tell u from one addict/alcoholic to another, It works and I've never left a meeting feeling like i wasted my time. u will have to reach up and out at some point and when u do u will find understanding, relief, and love that u can't possibly get anywhere else.