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Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: midwest
Posts: 45
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I am a chronic recovery/relapse person myself. My first time on the boards was in August and I made it something like 9 days. Since then I've only been reading here. I know I want the sobriety. I want the confident abundant full of life feelings that I had when I was sober for a couple years before. I'm sure I know why I go back to using and it seems that no matter how hard I try - I revert back to my addict personality and I start all over again - because I can handle just one more (more of my addict mind). No one knows about my relapses since my treatment days years ago (Not getting honest - I know) and I just cannot get myself to put them through that again so I've had the 'flu' alot this year. I am a good person. I know there is much to offer inside - but when I'm using there is only a shell because there is no opportunity to feel a thing (good or bad). Back when I started the boards here I wanted to be clean by the first of the year and if I wouldve stuck with it.. I would be feeling pretty darn well today (maybe) - I wouldve been feeling better than I am today. I'm on day three again. Had a cruddy Christmas but I can't say that this time of year is my favorite anyway. I want to be a better mom to my kids. They deserve better. I deserve to be everything I can be. Not just someone who resigns to be a user for the rest of her life. Right? Here we go again.
Juggernaut of self will
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 66
Welcome back!
It is very brave of you to come clean and post up about your struggles and relapses. Maybe you have had enough pain and suffering this time around, and are ready to try something new? If so, there is help here, we care.
Best of luck and hang in there!
It is very brave of you to come clean and post up about your struggles and relapses. Maybe you have had enough pain and suffering this time around, and are ready to try something new? If so, there is help here, we care.
Best of luck and hang in there!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Bluewheel))) - Welcome back!
There are more than a few people here, who've been at the point where you are...keep relapsing, get clean, WANT to stay clean, then give in again. I went through decades of numbing myself, got clean, relapsed, and that was (I hope) my bottom.
I can't tell you any one thing that did it...it was a combination, but more of I was so sick of it...miserable when I used because no one knew about it, I was lying to them and myself. Getting high was only a temporary, at best, fix for that, and even that was no longer working.
I had to resolve to not use, a zillion times a day, at first...told myself "not an option..next" with the "next" being a cue to distract myself/mind from using. I also remembered where I was with my relapse..NOT in a very good place, physically or mentally. After time, my mind automatically went to "next" mode...a using thought would come up, and I'd be distracted before I knew it.
Putting down the dope isn't the hard part. It's not picking it back up, but we CAN do it, and give ourselves and loved ones the gift of living a clean/sober life.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
There are more than a few people here, who've been at the point where you are...keep relapsing, get clean, WANT to stay clean, then give in again. I went through decades of numbing myself, got clean, relapsed, and that was (I hope) my bottom.
I can't tell you any one thing that did it...it was a combination, but more of I was so sick of it...miserable when I used because no one knew about it, I was lying to them and myself. Getting high was only a temporary, at best, fix for that, and even that was no longer working.
I had to resolve to not use, a zillion times a day, at first...told myself "not an option..next" with the "next" being a cue to distract myself/mind from using. I also remembered where I was with my relapse..NOT in a very good place, physically or mentally. After time, my mind automatically went to "next" mode...a using thought would come up, and I'd be distracted before I knew it.
Putting down the dope isn't the hard part. It's not picking it back up, but we CAN do it, and give ourselves and loved ones the gift of living a clean/sober life.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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