Junky No More
Spiritual Being
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Louisville
Posts: 138
Junky No More
OK, so i've fallen way the hell off the wagon. I'm tired of lying to myself and the people around me so, this is the first step in my coming clean with what I have done. I have to record this somewhere so that I officially can admit my wrongs.
I've been recovering from a bad car wreck since March where both my legs were severely broken. I've been on all sorts of powerful opioids since then and got to the point where they no longer took the pain away. Back in July I started hanging out with a buddy from high school who I hadn't seen in years. He introduced me to shooting heroin. I had snorted and smoked heroin before but, shooting it was a whole different ballgame. A whole new high. I received around $21,000 in insurance money from my wreck. I think i've spent around $10,000 of that on heroin at this point. Wow. Just seeing that number shocks me. Anyway, the heroin definitely took the pain away. Now I am in no rationalizing my use but, merely stating that fact. With dope in my system I could walk again and function somewhat normally. Of course twice I did a shot of dope and woke up on the floor hours later. Came close to overdosing. Nearly dying didn't deter me any. My buddy decided to get clean a month ago. I kept using up until this past Monday. I took my remaining pills up until yesterday and today I'm sick as hell. I have not a dollar to my name. Not a pill in my possession. I've tossed my needles in the bin. My next prescription isn't due for 17 days. That means I have 17 days of clean. 17 days of no drugs. I just have to get through this. Again..
I've been recovering from a bad car wreck since March where both my legs were severely broken. I've been on all sorts of powerful opioids since then and got to the point where they no longer took the pain away. Back in July I started hanging out with a buddy from high school who I hadn't seen in years. He introduced me to shooting heroin. I had snorted and smoked heroin before but, shooting it was a whole different ballgame. A whole new high. I received around $21,000 in insurance money from my wreck. I think i've spent around $10,000 of that on heroin at this point. Wow. Just seeing that number shocks me. Anyway, the heroin definitely took the pain away. Now I am in no rationalizing my use but, merely stating that fact. With dope in my system I could walk again and function somewhat normally. Of course twice I did a shot of dope and woke up on the floor hours later. Came close to overdosing. Nearly dying didn't deter me any. My buddy decided to get clean a month ago. I kept using up until this past Monday. I took my remaining pills up until yesterday and today I'm sick as hell. I have not a dollar to my name. Not a pill in my possession. I've tossed my needles in the bin. My next prescription isn't due for 17 days. That means I have 17 days of clean. 17 days of no drugs. I just have to get through this. Again..
Kristin
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 77
you never know if you start in 17 days that you will ever get a recovery or your life back
it will probably mean death for you................you need to think and decide if you want to die.
I hope you don't and i hope you decide to choose the recovery of life
it will probably mean death for you................you need to think and decide if you want to die.
I hope you don't and i hope you decide to choose the recovery of life
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,249
Junkie no more, I don't think Cold Turkey is the right way to do this. Especially with the strength of the drugs you have been using. It will be a shock to your system. Maybe you should go to the hospital or a doctor and they can prescribe something to make the detox a bit more bearable. Even if you don't have money, the hospital has to treat you. The good news is that you can get well, and off of the drugs if you really want to. Heroin is poison. It killed my brother, and so many others. Take hot showers, drink alot of water, and please see a medical professional, or an addiction specialist. GOD BLESS YOU and HEAL YOU.
TheMostSordidSpotOnEarth
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: ParadiseOnEarth
Posts: 811
Space, I'm a recovering heroin addict, a year an a half clean. I drank and used other drugs for 12 years, my whole adult life. I smoked H for the last 6 of those years. I applaud the fact that you've been reflecting on some of the havoc dope has been causing in your life. Addiction is a lethal disease. I had to really get that through my noggin at the right time to get me to understand what that means. Perhaps much of the time I was too interested in getting high to care, but I was left with a thought somewhere in my heart that I wasn't put on this earth to live and die by drugs.
My experience tells me that our bodies don't know the difference between drugs we find in the street and drugs we find on the shelves of the pharmacy. If it's mind-altering or mood-changing, it has the potential to keep our addiction active. It's not about the drugs themselves -- the drugs we use are a symptom of something bigger, which is the disease of addiction. Its ends: spiritual death on the way to jails, institutions and death of the body. You might want to re-think that plan for those pills in 17 days. It's a progressive illness. My guess is you might not be struggling this much just to have to do it all over again, but worse, down the road, if you're lucky enough to get that chance at all. The only way I know to stop using is to stop using.
I thought I could get clean alone, and I did. I made a decision to basically stay in bed until I was done. It took everything I had to get through it, but getting clean was my first ticket to freedom. Getting clean, though, is different from staying clean, and staying clean is different from recovery. When the dust settled, I realized that I would need to get humble, get honest and ask for help. We recover together; for those who accept the totally strings-free help on offer, this is the end of being alone. If you do what the programs suggest, following the experience of others who have gotten free and become spiritually well, it can be the beginning of a beautiful and useful life.
Personally, I found that help through the 12 Steps and a power greater than myself. NA is a life saver for addicts; if you have an alcoholic history, you can also go to AA. I am so grateful for what it has brought into my life. I am living a dream today -- I mean literally today -- I am in love and moving to spend the winter in the south of France as of this afternoon. March 2009 I was in my bed, spiritually bankrupt, hiding from the world and at the end of my last 6-month day and night dope binge. I was given the gift of desperation. I have been given a second chance, and I've held onto it for the ride of my life. I hope you choose the same.
You'll be in my prayers! Enormous hugs and best of luck!
SIU
My experience tells me that our bodies don't know the difference between drugs we find in the street and drugs we find on the shelves of the pharmacy. If it's mind-altering or mood-changing, it has the potential to keep our addiction active. It's not about the drugs themselves -- the drugs we use are a symptom of something bigger, which is the disease of addiction. Its ends: spiritual death on the way to jails, institutions and death of the body. You might want to re-think that plan for those pills in 17 days. It's a progressive illness. My guess is you might not be struggling this much just to have to do it all over again, but worse, down the road, if you're lucky enough to get that chance at all. The only way I know to stop using is to stop using.
I thought I could get clean alone, and I did. I made a decision to basically stay in bed until I was done. It took everything I had to get through it, but getting clean was my first ticket to freedom. Getting clean, though, is different from staying clean, and staying clean is different from recovery. When the dust settled, I realized that I would need to get humble, get honest and ask for help. We recover together; for those who accept the totally strings-free help on offer, this is the end of being alone. If you do what the programs suggest, following the experience of others who have gotten free and become spiritually well, it can be the beginning of a beautiful and useful life.
Personally, I found that help through the 12 Steps and a power greater than myself. NA is a life saver for addicts; if you have an alcoholic history, you can also go to AA. I am so grateful for what it has brought into my life. I am living a dream today -- I mean literally today -- I am in love and moving to spend the winter in the south of France as of this afternoon. March 2009 I was in my bed, spiritually bankrupt, hiding from the world and at the end of my last 6-month day and night dope binge. I was given the gift of desperation. I have been given a second chance, and I've held onto it for the ride of my life. I hope you choose the same.
You'll be in my prayers! Enormous hugs and best of luck!
SIU
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
SpaceDementa- listen up to my story.
My boy is gone.
He got robbed of the life he was entitled too and I am robbed of the time with
him that I was entitled to. Heroin is the thief.
At only 26 yrs. old, he died of H OD this summer the first time he injected, after
two yrs. clean.
I think about the missing hours, the unspoken words and thousands of days he should be here.
It will take a lifetime to come to terms with the loss of my son. Until then, I can try to make the most of what has become our fate.
In my soul there is a hole where my son use to be.
No resurrection. He is a drug casualty.
Make the decision to not let this by your fate, your mother's sorrow.
Get help, get treatment, meetings, sponsor. Otherwise in 17 days you will continue the march toward being a drug casualty.
A decision is only the start. Get a plan of action and
stick with like your life depends on it, bec. it does.
My boy is gone.
He got robbed of the life he was entitled too and I am robbed of the time with
him that I was entitled to. Heroin is the thief.
At only 26 yrs. old, he died of H OD this summer the first time he injected, after
two yrs. clean.
I think about the missing hours, the unspoken words and thousands of days he should be here.
It will take a lifetime to come to terms with the loss of my son. Until then, I can try to make the most of what has become our fate.
In my soul there is a hole where my son use to be.
No resurrection. He is a drug casualty.
Make the decision to not let this by your fate, your mother's sorrow.
Get help, get treatment, meetings, sponsor. Otherwise in 17 days you will continue the march toward being a drug casualty.
A decision is only the start. Get a plan of action and
stick with like your life depends on it, bec. it does.
Spiritual Being
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Louisville
Posts: 138
I greatly appreciate everything all of you have written. Angelic, I feel strongly that cool turkey is the only way to go. I'm well aware of my tolerance and the shock my body is experiencing at present. I've been awake for 50 hours or so and am hallucinating slightly. My heart is pounding and my brain is sending the message "GET DOPE! GET DOPE!" over and over again. Doctors and more prescribed drugs are not the answer for me. Honestly, I don't trust doctors or the medical complex in general.
SteppingItUp, I agree with what you said save the portion concerning the 12 steps. I've been to NA before and just get bad vibes from it. It just isn't for me. I have a problem giving myself up to a higher power. One problem among many.
Spiritual Seeker, firstly, I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm 29, just a few years older than your son was when he passed. I can't begin to imagine that type of loss. I have no particular drive to become a casualty. I have a different view on death however. I have a different view on life as well. But, I won't dive into all of that at present.
I'm in a predicament of sorts. I don't want to be on my pain meds and I certainly don't want to do any more dope. Unfortunately, I have a legitimate need for the pain meds. I've had 7 surgeries on my legs so far. From what I understand, I'll be having a 10" plate removed from my right femur right after Christmas. Three or four weeks after that I'll be having reconstructive surgery on my left foot. I'm guessing some pain meds will be needed post op. I'm going to have find some one to control my meds for me.
OK, I guess that's it for now. My concentration is shot...
SteppingItUp, I agree with what you said save the portion concerning the 12 steps. I've been to NA before and just get bad vibes from it. It just isn't for me. I have a problem giving myself up to a higher power. One problem among many.
Spiritual Seeker, firstly, I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm 29, just a few years older than your son was when he passed. I can't begin to imagine that type of loss. I have no particular drive to become a casualty. I have a different view on death however. I have a different view on life as well. But, I won't dive into all of that at present.
I'm in a predicament of sorts. I don't want to be on my pain meds and I certainly don't want to do any more dope. Unfortunately, I have a legitimate need for the pain meds. I've had 7 surgeries on my legs so far. From what I understand, I'll be having a 10" plate removed from my right femur right after Christmas. Three or four weeks after that I'll be having reconstructive surgery on my left foot. I'm guessing some pain meds will be needed post op. I'm going to have find some one to control my meds for me.
OK, I guess that's it for now. My concentration is shot...
Recovered
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,129
SD, I also had a problem with the 12-step programs. I stayed high for 20 years because I couldn't/wouldn't just say "f*ck it" and give it a chance. This last time out almost killed me and I finally said "ok, I'll do whatever you say, if it'll keep me clean". Today, I am still an atheist. One of many who go to NA/AA. I have a higher power, called "the group conscience" (if I am at a meeting) or "my inner resource" (if I am alone...it's the voice of reason/intuition). I got more than I asked for. I wanted to be clean. Today I am SOBER. There is a difference (for me). I have a sponsor, work the steps, and now even have 2 sponsees. For me NOT to shoot up today is a miracle. For me to say I am HAPPY, is another.
I will keep you in my thoughts.
Mfanch
I will keep you in my thoughts.
Mfanch
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,249
SpaceDementia, I wasn't suggesting other drugs or narcotics to help you. I was suggesting that your blood pressure should be monitored when you are coming off of opiates and heroin. Suggesting that you be under some kind of medical supervision by a professional with a medical degree. The body does go through alot of ups and downs. There are non narcotic medications that can help prevent this type of thing like blood pressure going up, amongst other things happening to you. There is no reason that you should have to go through this hell without the proper care. It's really hard coming off of that stuff all at once. I agree with Steppingitup and SpiritualSeeker. What they both said makes alot of sense to me. Steppingitup has been there and knows the anxiety, and physical withdrawals that you are suffering. SpiritualSeeker, has recently lost her beautiful son, who had so much goodness in him. The potential to be anything he wanted to be in life. And drugs have robbed him of his life. Your 29 years old. My son's age. He too had an opiate addiction. He has 6 months clean now, and is doing really well.
I know you have some medical problems. But you might need to be switched to non narcotic pain meds, because of your addiction. I'm sorry your going through this. My heart goes out to you, and your family, and all those who love you. They hurt with you.
I know you have some medical problems. But you might need to be switched to non narcotic pain meds, because of your addiction. I'm sorry your going through this. My heart goes out to you, and your family, and all those who love you. They hurt with you.
Spiritual Being
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Louisville
Posts: 138
Well, I relapsed. I went 50 hours or something, wigged out, and got some dope. I guess I wasn't truly committed. Alas, I'm going on 50 hours clean again but, for whatever reason I feel better about being and staying clean. I'm starting to get these intense blasts of euphoria at various times. I'll be sitting outside listening to a song and a chill will run through me when I hear intense lyrics. I'm realizing I'm feeling again. My body is awakening. It's truly beautiful!
I'm so thankful.....
I'm so thankful.....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,064
Sometimes it takes a couple of tries. In my case I also went cold turkey, more than once in the times I tried before I actually gave it up for good. It seems that withdrawing would keep anybody from relapsing but for me it didn't seem to matter how bad I felt I would go back out again but now I've got 2 years and it's great. You're doing great already being able to feel. I felt numb for a long time. Glad you're back up and moving forward. I hope you had a wonderful day.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: england
Posts: 356
whatever it takes - i'm not alot further on - but i was here for two yrs before the miracle of 30 days... and before that it has robbed me and everyone i know of time - i used to shoot heroin - bout 6mnths then after that and a huge overdose - a week and a half coma etc - i came round to not get clean but convince myself it had been done out of my control - so i went back smokin it over 15 yrs with 2 pretty good attempts of clean time - one 3 yrs and the other 5 yrs- i still didnt change -
well i can't say it lasted.. can i ..
ok well i went through similar with time spans as well had 21 days at the beginning of the yr but screwd up a few more months..
i got clean on my own - i have to say with a lot of help here but esssentially the other endof a computer signal i was still alone - - i wish you'd give urself a break - u have 50 hrs - thats pretty good hun.. i am a wuss - i used to get through24 hrs and cave - pls try to see a doc for replacement of opiode drug to manage pain - non narco of course..
its real shi**y that your mobility is an issue - i prob would have been the same -but u seem to want to get sorted so - if nowt else is workin u have to try anything i think.. hugs to ya - hopin for you xxx
well i can't say it lasted.. can i ..
ok well i went through similar with time spans as well had 21 days at the beginning of the yr but screwd up a few more months..
i got clean on my own - i have to say with a lot of help here but esssentially the other endof a computer signal i was still alone - - i wish you'd give urself a break - u have 50 hrs - thats pretty good hun.. i am a wuss - i used to get through24 hrs and cave - pls try to see a doc for replacement of opiode drug to manage pain - non narco of course..
its real shi**y that your mobility is an issue - i prob would have been the same -but u seem to want to get sorted so - if nowt else is workin u have to try anything i think.. hugs to ya - hopin for you xxx
Spiritual Being
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Louisville
Posts: 138
Well, at this point I'm 87 house clean. The worse of the withdrawal symptoms have passed. Now I'm just fidgety and am having trouble figuring out what to do with myself.
I did something last night that I hadn't done since I was 17. I actually dragged myself out the house, picked up my buddy and we hit up an NA meeting. Sitting through the meeting was rather surreal. But, I got some hugs out of it and I met a couple of people that seemed cool. I'm going to another meeting tonight. I still have some moral qualms with the ideology however. I'm trying to get over them.
I'm going try to motivate myself to clean my room now..
I did something last night that I hadn't done since I was 17. I actually dragged myself out the house, picked up my buddy and we hit up an NA meeting. Sitting through the meeting was rather surreal. But, I got some hugs out of it and I met a couple of people that seemed cool. I'm going to another meeting tonight. I still have some moral qualms with the ideology however. I'm trying to get over them.
I'm going try to motivate myself to clean my room now..
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Middle of MO
Posts: 666
Sounds like you are headed in the right direction, SD. Set aside your "moral qualms" for the time being. Later, (I mean after a year clean or so) they probably will seem irrelevant. If not, discuss them with others in the program.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,064
Good for you on being clean. I don't always agree with everything said in a meeting, some meetings are unhealthy, some are supportive and loving. If you go to enough there will be some meetings you hate but usually it's here and there. I hate cliches but seriously take what you need and leave the stuff you don't need or want to take back at the meeting. I do a mix of AA and NA. AA is closer to my house, there's some long sobriety, but I love the energy of an NA meeting. So I do both and I do SR here. I also went to a used bookstore and got a bunch of books on recovery and meditation. I see a psychologist twice a month, I go to support groups like an aftercare, nurse support. Some days I feel I've had too much recovery support and some days I need more. I am just glad you're on the road to recovery.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
for two yrs. my son worked the NA/AA program (which was far a field of his own ideology at face value ) Those were the two yrs. he was clean, had lots of friends, was tight with his family, got a great job, made amends to all those whom he had harmed, etc.
The he stopped ...with fatal results. The only ideology of the program you need to follow is that NA/AA can save your life.
The first step really is "get in the car and go"
The he stopped ...with fatal results. The only ideology of the program you need to follow is that NA/AA can save your life.
The first step really is "get in the car and go"
Spiritual Being
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Louisville
Posts: 138
I've made it to over 120 hours clean. I have trouble believing this simple fact. My mind is racing and my heart is pounding as I try to adjust to this existence. I place such a low value on life. I suppose that could be the reason that I started to use drugs in the first place. Whatever the reason, my almost 5 complete days without opiates should bring me some element of joy and self satisfaction but, it doesn't really. I'm glad the most horrid of the withdrawal symptoms are over but I don't care for the symptoms I have now. Not in the slightest. I just can't seem to get out of my head.
I ended up going to another NA meeting last night and am going to another one today. I sort of feel like a lump of flesh when I'm at the meeting. I sit there listening to others and taking everything in but I don't really "feel" what they're saying. I'm going to continue to go to one meeting a day since I don't really have anything better to do and it gets me out of the house.
There is one giant hurdle in front of me that could derail my sobriety plans. I see my doctor on Tuesday for a check up concerning the pain meds that I'm prescribed. I'm unsure as to what to do. I have a legitimate need for the meds. Yes, I've gone the past 5 days without taking them and I have survived but, as far as walking and being active goes, I have been greatly limited due to the pain. I also have two more surgeries on my legs to go. Being a hemophiliac, under no circumstances can I take aspirin, ibuprofen, or any other NSAID. That leaves me with acetaminophen and opioids to control pain. The best plan that I've been able to come up with is to tell my mother, who I live with, that I'm having addiction issues and that I need her to control my meds. I'll tell my doctor that I wish to drastically reduce the amount of medicine that I'm on. I don't think it would be wise to tell her that I have quit taking all my meds. I'm realizing that one of my meds, 100 mcg/h fentanyl patch, now that my tolerance is mostly gone, if I put one of those things on it would probably kill me. I'll tell her I don't need the patches anymore and don't need as much percocet. And the best that I can figure, as long as I don't take the percocet everyday I shouldn't become physically dependent. I'll have my mother go to the doctor with me so that the prescription doesn't end up in my possession. I have the nerve at the moment to go tell my mother what's going on but, she's been drinking since 9 this morning and is pretty hammered. It's wonderful living with an alcoholic when you're trying to stay clean.
OK, that concludes my rambling. I greatly appreciate the responses from all of you. Peace be with you.
I ended up going to another NA meeting last night and am going to another one today. I sort of feel like a lump of flesh when I'm at the meeting. I sit there listening to others and taking everything in but I don't really "feel" what they're saying. I'm going to continue to go to one meeting a day since I don't really have anything better to do and it gets me out of the house.
There is one giant hurdle in front of me that could derail my sobriety plans. I see my doctor on Tuesday for a check up concerning the pain meds that I'm prescribed. I'm unsure as to what to do. I have a legitimate need for the meds. Yes, I've gone the past 5 days without taking them and I have survived but, as far as walking and being active goes, I have been greatly limited due to the pain. I also have two more surgeries on my legs to go. Being a hemophiliac, under no circumstances can I take aspirin, ibuprofen, or any other NSAID. That leaves me with acetaminophen and opioids to control pain. The best plan that I've been able to come up with is to tell my mother, who I live with, that I'm having addiction issues and that I need her to control my meds. I'll tell my doctor that I wish to drastically reduce the amount of medicine that I'm on. I don't think it would be wise to tell her that I have quit taking all my meds. I'm realizing that one of my meds, 100 mcg/h fentanyl patch, now that my tolerance is mostly gone, if I put one of those things on it would probably kill me. I'll tell her I don't need the patches anymore and don't need as much percocet. And the best that I can figure, as long as I don't take the percocet everyday I shouldn't become physically dependent. I'll have my mother go to the doctor with me so that the prescription doesn't end up in my possession. I have the nerve at the moment to go tell my mother what's going on but, she's been drinking since 9 this morning and is pretty hammered. It's wonderful living with an alcoholic when you're trying to stay clean.
OK, that concludes my rambling. I greatly appreciate the responses from all of you. Peace be with you.
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