brokedownpalace

Hi, I am a 30 year old female and have been lurking on SR for a few days, but just got up the courage to introduce myself on the Newcomers Board today. I have suffered from depression and anxiety since I was a teen. I am currently trying to beat an opiate addiction, but have in the past ten or so years also dealt with addictions to cocaine and adderall and had periods where I drank heavily.

I guess part of me wonders if quitting is even worth it. I want to so that I am not a financial strain on my family and so that they don't have to deal with my mood swings when I am out of drugs, but if I were single and had no children, I almost feel like I would rather just keep using. I just don't ever remember feeling actually happy without using drugs so it almost seems worth the terrible feeling of not having drugs just to have some periods of relief from the constant sadness I feel.

Also, I wonder with the amount of drugs I have abused over the past decade, if it is even possible to feel even just okay ever again or if I have altered my brain chemistry beyond repair.

I don't know where I am going with this...I guess I am just venting here as I am feeling very sad tonight. Thank you for listening.

Live

I do believe that happiness is available.
How about making an appmt with a dr and telling him/her everything.
Clinical depression just s*cks the life out of a person.

brokedownpalace

Thank you for your reply, Live. You are probably right about coming clean to my doc (in fact my fiance just suggested that to me today). I just haven't been able to do it for some reason. I went to see her last week when I had a crushing anxiety attack while going through withdrawl (I relapsed later that night). She increased the dosage on my anti-depressants and offered me a prescription for xanax which I declined (I told her I thought it would make me too sleepy, but truth is that I was afraid that I might become hooked on that too). I guess I just need to work up the courage to tell her the whole story. I just feel so embarrassed and ashamed.

Live

try not to be embarassed...she has seen it many times over and will appreciate your courage and honesty in facing this and work with you.

brokedownpalace

Thank you for your advise. I think I am going to try to work up the courage and call her on Monday. I think I may need a professional's help to be able to quit without completely breaking down.

Live

there is no reward for unnecessary suffering!

least

When I was drinking I never thought happiness was possible - for me. And when I quit I thought I'd never be happy anyway, sober or drunk. I'm glad to say that my life is getting happier every day. I replaced the habit of drinking with the habit of being grateful and it's helping a lot.

Have an honest talk with your doctor. I hope it works out well for you.

brokedownpalace

Thank you least. I am glad that you have found happiness and you have made me feel hopeful that I may someday, as well.

Tealvertigo

As a Bipolar and OCD sufferer, I know where you are coming from and what you want. However, as you have learned by now, happiness seems only recognizable with the aid of substances that do things that are impossible to acquire without.

That said, something that helps me make it through everyday is to understand the truth that, as a mentally challenged individual, happiness will not arrive in the same way to me as anyone without a mental illness. I will always need the help of something to be happy, but I also understand that such a thing does not have to be drugs or alcohol. While I am trying to quit smoking, it really helps to have a hobby, relationship, or even a religion that I can pour enough of my heart into to induce a certain kind of happiness within me. I think that most MH sufferers tend to strive for things that they can build up or focus on, and drugs only imitate one of those things. It doesn't make you weak, just in need of help.

And I think, as I do, you have gotta quit looking to the future so much. Worry about one day at a time. I know that is very hard to do, but if you do that, I think it will be easier to understand that things won't always wind up the way you fear they will. Thinking you might remain depressed in a few years *is* depressing.

We MH sufferers have a certain gift that mentally healthy individuals don't have. We have the ability to understand ourselves better than anyone else. The best thing to do is to take this gift and learn what we can do for ourselves to improve our lives. I think we all know what we want, but we lack the willpower, hope, knowledge, or all of the following to act upon it.

Focusing on one day at a time also helps with suicidal thoughts. In my darkest hours, whenever I had the mindset of 'trying to live for one more day', it has been far easier to resist urges to end it all than thinking of living and struggling for a few more years.

Living with a mental illness is both a challenge and a journey. We work a *lot* harder than others just to enjoy life. So, I think it is in your best interest to find some really great and valuable things to get into. I paint, study, write, and talk to my sister a lot. Those things help tremendously.

Good luck to you!

Freedom1990

I never felt a part of anything while I was growing up. I felt like I was on the outside looking in. I was depressed and anxious as you described.

I had this huge gaping hole inside that I thought drugs/alcohol were the solution for.

It was necessary for me to get clean/sober before I could start to tackle my mental health issues.

The amazing thing was that the more I worked on my recovery, the more my anxiety lessened.

The depression was a different animal though.

Today I address my addictions through a 12-step program, and I address my depression through the mental health profession.

Happiness is possible.