Need a little advice from some men...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 120
Need a little advice from some men...
Hello, I will apologize in advance if this is in fact the absolute wrong place to post this, but I am getting a little beaten up in another forum and it was suggested to me that I might get a little more insight from the A forum or this one..
I will try to be brief...
This is mostly aimed at all the recovering addicts/alcoholics out there...
I have met a man who has been clean/sober for just over a year (although I met him shortly after he entered a rehab facility just over a year ago). I have very, very slowly gotten to know him over the past year. (We had very little contact while he was undergoing treatment and really only started talking after he was finished the program). We have gone out a couple of times now for coffee and a movie. I know he is attracted to me and I find that I am also quite attracted to him. I myself have never drunk, smoked, or tried any kind of drugs and I am finding it strange that I am attracted to him. (I met him because I volunteer at a Shelter that feeds the homeless and the same organization runs the Rehab center and all the men must do "work experience" time in the kitchen, where I volunteer). Since I have only known him since he entered rehab I have only known him as he is now (clean/sober). I did not know the man he was before, and so I only base my opinion of him on the man he is now. It is the man he is now that I like and am attracted to (obviously!). Should I consider his past? (He was addicted to drugs/alcohol for 20+ years of his life).
My question is, to people that have been through this, would he be ready at this point to start a relationship without jeopardizing his recovery? He is very strong and speaks openly at both his AA meetings and at various recovery centers about his "story" and experiences. He seems to be a role model for others and people have a lot of respect for him.
I definitely don't want to hurt either him or his chance to maintain his sobriety. Is he capable of having a "relationship"? Or would he need more time?
I know every situation is different, but just wondering what some of your experiences have been in terms of successful or failed relationships at this point in your recovery?
Thanks so much for your thoughts and insight!
(PS.. I am in my early 30's and he is.... quite a bit older than me... so neither one of us is immature or looking for a first love).
I will try to be brief...
This is mostly aimed at all the recovering addicts/alcoholics out there...
I have met a man who has been clean/sober for just over a year (although I met him shortly after he entered a rehab facility just over a year ago). I have very, very slowly gotten to know him over the past year. (We had very little contact while he was undergoing treatment and really only started talking after he was finished the program). We have gone out a couple of times now for coffee and a movie. I know he is attracted to me and I find that I am also quite attracted to him. I myself have never drunk, smoked, or tried any kind of drugs and I am finding it strange that I am attracted to him. (I met him because I volunteer at a Shelter that feeds the homeless and the same organization runs the Rehab center and all the men must do "work experience" time in the kitchen, where I volunteer). Since I have only known him since he entered rehab I have only known him as he is now (clean/sober). I did not know the man he was before, and so I only base my opinion of him on the man he is now. It is the man he is now that I like and am attracted to (obviously!). Should I consider his past? (He was addicted to drugs/alcohol for 20+ years of his life).
My question is, to people that have been through this, would he be ready at this point to start a relationship without jeopardizing his recovery? He is very strong and speaks openly at both his AA meetings and at various recovery centers about his "story" and experiences. He seems to be a role model for others and people have a lot of respect for him.
I definitely don't want to hurt either him or his chance to maintain his sobriety. Is he capable of having a "relationship"? Or would he need more time?
I know every situation is different, but just wondering what some of your experiences have been in terms of successful or failed relationships at this point in your recovery?
Thanks so much for your thoughts and insight!
(PS.. I am in my early 30's and he is.... quite a bit older than me... so neither one of us is immature or looking for a first love).
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Terminus, GA
Posts: 522
I don't think it possible for anyone to know for sure . . . much less a group of total strangers who have not met the people involved.
Offhand, I think a strong and healthy relationship is more likely to strengthen the resolve of a recovering addict. I'd be more concerned about the possible consequences of you being invested in or attached to someone who may or may not be able to stay sober.
It may be helpful to understand that addiction is essentially a condition of dishonesty, where others may be hurt as well as the addict. Honesty is a prerequisite to any healthy relationship.
In my opinion, it is impossible to grow emotionally or spiritually while under the thralls of addictive substances. Thus, your friend may have a lot of "catching up" to do.
The "conventional" wisdom is that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.
Nonetheless, my best friend was a drinker who went cold turkey when he learned that is wife had cancer. He never touched another drop until he died some 30 years later. He was an absolutely remarkable man who had enough integrity for three people. So yes, it is possible for people to change and stay that way. But relapses and failure are possible, too.
Determine what it is that you want out of the relationship, and set both the expectations and the boundaries at the onset. It is OK to say that you will bail the relationship if he relapses and that is unacceptable to you.
Go into the relationship if your like, but don't go in or stay in with your eyes closed.
Wishing you the very best with this,
Buzz
Offhand, I think a strong and healthy relationship is more likely to strengthen the resolve of a recovering addict. I'd be more concerned about the possible consequences of you being invested in or attached to someone who may or may not be able to stay sober.
It may be helpful to understand that addiction is essentially a condition of dishonesty, where others may be hurt as well as the addict. Honesty is a prerequisite to any healthy relationship.
In my opinion, it is impossible to grow emotionally or spiritually while under the thralls of addictive substances. Thus, your friend may have a lot of "catching up" to do.
The "conventional" wisdom is that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.
Nonetheless, my best friend was a drinker who went cold turkey when he learned that is wife had cancer. He never touched another drop until he died some 30 years later. He was an absolutely remarkable man who had enough integrity for three people. So yes, it is possible for people to change and stay that way. But relapses and failure are possible, too.
Determine what it is that you want out of the relationship, and set both the expectations and the boundaries at the onset. It is OK to say that you will bail the relationship if he relapses and that is unacceptable to you.
Go into the relationship if your like, but don't go in or stay in with your eyes closed.
Wishing you the very best with this,
Buzz
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dayton, OH.
Posts: 879
Hi! I am CrackQuack, nearly 16 months clean (June 3rd will be my 16 months). My drug of choice is crack cocaine. And tonight I wanted to use. B-A-D-L-Y.
Why didn't I?
NUMBER ONE is me. Using would only make all my problems worse. Sure, the emotions would go away temporarily (very temporarily as the high from crack is usually 18-30 seconds), but the problems would still be there, plus add the money I would have spent and wow.. Got more problems.
NUMBER TWO are my two children. I want to remain a VIABLE part of their lives and make them feel loved and cherished. I also want them to be proud that their mother got her junk together and stopped being a selfish brat.
NUMBER THREE is my boyfriend. Tell me why ALL of the songs that give me those DEEP, LOVING, GOOFY, LAUGHTER, HAPPY, feelings and stir my mind to think of him played all in a row while I was thinking I'll go one way and get "just one more" when I should be going home? And yes, I am home right now. Tired. Should be in bed. I have class in the morning, but I am here, where I belong because of the desire.
And I see your thread, that, yet again, stirs up all kinds of memories. Mostly good, but some not so much.
First, having this man in my life gives me ONE MORE reason NOT to use. He's kind, sweet, loving, and a bit naive (gosh is he sometimes so naive, and he's a15 years older than me! I am in my 30's as well). Old fashioned and loves cars. On my side and he's my cheering team when I need one. He's the first man to truly treat me the way I deserve to be treated.
But the dark side is we met while I was in active addiction. I hid it from him for four months. The constant using, going to NA meetings, trying to quit yet relapsing because I just wasn't serious about it yet.
Once I told him, something woke me up and I got serious. But he knows and he sure did consider my past. There will always be exceptions to the rule (I sure strive to be one, working and going to school, doing things INSTEAD of getting loaded), but he became very cautious and wanted to go slow. We didn't really start getting close until I finally quit for good and we said the "L" word to each other last Christmas, right before my 1 year.
I'd say if you want to take a chance, go for it. You two could be meant for each other. But since you've already been going slow, keep on going slow. NA tells us that we shouldn't even think of a relationship until we've had one year clean (at least they do here at the meetings I go to), but I was already in a relationship when I started, so we had to deal with it together. It's not been easy for him and I worry him when I say I want to use, but I NEED to say it because if I don't, I will use. So if this man tells you he is having a bad day and wants to "get one more", WORRY, but be there for him too. See about going to some Alanon or Naranon meetings and maybe they can help you learn some things to suggest or say when your addict tells on himself, and certainly they will teach you how to take care of YOU if he does use or anything like that. I encouraged my boyfriend to go, but he never did. He just starts dragging me off to different automotive projects and cruise-in's or pops in a movie and gives me some one on one time, or brings me some pretty wildflowers from his property (he has a lot of land). He does things to distract me, and while it's OUR job to get and stay clean, we have to face it, we need help. We cannot do it alone. So even if you do not go to any meetings yourself, definitely listen to him. Sometimes when we voice our inner thoughts about using, the words sound so silly coming out of our mouths and we feel dumb for even thinking about using. I know I usually do! *laughs* And maybe do things, that you both will enjoy, to distract him.
Really, he and I both are still considered to be in early recovery and we're still kind of like babies. Sometimes we need a pacifier. But, everyone is different. Maybe it's easier for him, now that he's put some distance between him and the substances.
A lot of people would tell you to run. We're addicts. We're scary monsters.
But the simple fact is, we're only THAT scary when we're using. If we've got a great program and we're working it 24/7, and we've got a hundred reasons not to use, we'll do alright. There will always, and I mean ALWAYS, be that chance of a relapse, but it's part of the chance two people take when they start dating. I'd personally rather date someone who physically abuses me than date another ACTIVE addict again. EVER. And I've been with both. My friends knew I was serious when I said my first husband treated me better than my XABF. His mental mind games left scars that not only do not show, but will never truly heal. It was hard for me to give love another shot. But if I was single and I met a man who had some good recovery time under his belt, and there was attraction, I'd go slow but I'd certainly give it a shot.
Since you have no experience with addiction/alcoholism, I highly suggest the meetings or even going to the library and finding books. And better yet, ask him if he doesn't mind talking about it. We're not all going to be upfront, honest, or even comfortable talking about it, but I am. I told my boyfriend everything to look out for, personality wise, habit wise. Things that might clue him in if I was using or about to use. I know all I would do in order to get high. For instance, since my vehicles are currently broke, I am driving one of his. I told him if that thing EVER disappeared for more than two hours, without a GOOD explaination (and PROOF), call it in STOLEN. And I know he will. He won't like it. It will hurt him to put my butt behind bars, but he knows it will be what is best for me AND him.
If you feel ready to deal with a RECOVERING addict, go for it. If you are unsure, tell him some of your concerns. He should understand. Ask him those important questions. Let him know you are interested, but you do not want to get dragged down the path of active addiction and you do not want to see him hurt himself either.
Sorry to be so lengthy. Seeing your post really REALLY hit home (in addition to those songs on the radio) one of the TOP reasons why I am glad that I chose NOT to use every time the desires come. They don't happen as often and I believe the stress of school AND work are not helping matters, but I am so grateful to have SR and all the wonderful people with it, along with my friends and family, and the NA for support.
Cuz us addicts NEED support.
THANK you for posting. I know it may seem weird, but I just need to read about relationships (or potential ones) tonight.. *HUGS*
Why didn't I?
NUMBER ONE is me. Using would only make all my problems worse. Sure, the emotions would go away temporarily (very temporarily as the high from crack is usually 18-30 seconds), but the problems would still be there, plus add the money I would have spent and wow.. Got more problems.
NUMBER TWO are my two children. I want to remain a VIABLE part of their lives and make them feel loved and cherished. I also want them to be proud that their mother got her junk together and stopped being a selfish brat.
NUMBER THREE is my boyfriend. Tell me why ALL of the songs that give me those DEEP, LOVING, GOOFY, LAUGHTER, HAPPY, feelings and stir my mind to think of him played all in a row while I was thinking I'll go one way and get "just one more" when I should be going home? And yes, I am home right now. Tired. Should be in bed. I have class in the morning, but I am here, where I belong because of the desire.
And I see your thread, that, yet again, stirs up all kinds of memories. Mostly good, but some not so much.
First, having this man in my life gives me ONE MORE reason NOT to use. He's kind, sweet, loving, and a bit naive (gosh is he sometimes so naive, and he's a15 years older than me! I am in my 30's as well). Old fashioned and loves cars. On my side and he's my cheering team when I need one. He's the first man to truly treat me the way I deserve to be treated.
But the dark side is we met while I was in active addiction. I hid it from him for four months. The constant using, going to NA meetings, trying to quit yet relapsing because I just wasn't serious about it yet.
Once I told him, something woke me up and I got serious. But he knows and he sure did consider my past. There will always be exceptions to the rule (I sure strive to be one, working and going to school, doing things INSTEAD of getting loaded), but he became very cautious and wanted to go slow. We didn't really start getting close until I finally quit for good and we said the "L" word to each other last Christmas, right before my 1 year.
I'd say if you want to take a chance, go for it. You two could be meant for each other. But since you've already been going slow, keep on going slow. NA tells us that we shouldn't even think of a relationship until we've had one year clean (at least they do here at the meetings I go to), but I was already in a relationship when I started, so we had to deal with it together. It's not been easy for him and I worry him when I say I want to use, but I NEED to say it because if I don't, I will use. So if this man tells you he is having a bad day and wants to "get one more", WORRY, but be there for him too. See about going to some Alanon or Naranon meetings and maybe they can help you learn some things to suggest or say when your addict tells on himself, and certainly they will teach you how to take care of YOU if he does use or anything like that. I encouraged my boyfriend to go, but he never did. He just starts dragging me off to different automotive projects and cruise-in's or pops in a movie and gives me some one on one time, or brings me some pretty wildflowers from his property (he has a lot of land). He does things to distract me, and while it's OUR job to get and stay clean, we have to face it, we need help. We cannot do it alone. So even if you do not go to any meetings yourself, definitely listen to him. Sometimes when we voice our inner thoughts about using, the words sound so silly coming out of our mouths and we feel dumb for even thinking about using. I know I usually do! *laughs* And maybe do things, that you both will enjoy, to distract him.
Really, he and I both are still considered to be in early recovery and we're still kind of like babies. Sometimes we need a pacifier. But, everyone is different. Maybe it's easier for him, now that he's put some distance between him and the substances.
A lot of people would tell you to run. We're addicts. We're scary monsters.
But the simple fact is, we're only THAT scary when we're using. If we've got a great program and we're working it 24/7, and we've got a hundred reasons not to use, we'll do alright. There will always, and I mean ALWAYS, be that chance of a relapse, but it's part of the chance two people take when they start dating. I'd personally rather date someone who physically abuses me than date another ACTIVE addict again. EVER. And I've been with both. My friends knew I was serious when I said my first husband treated me better than my XABF. His mental mind games left scars that not only do not show, but will never truly heal. It was hard for me to give love another shot. But if I was single and I met a man who had some good recovery time under his belt, and there was attraction, I'd go slow but I'd certainly give it a shot.
Since you have no experience with addiction/alcoholism, I highly suggest the meetings or even going to the library and finding books. And better yet, ask him if he doesn't mind talking about it. We're not all going to be upfront, honest, or even comfortable talking about it, but I am. I told my boyfriend everything to look out for, personality wise, habit wise. Things that might clue him in if I was using or about to use. I know all I would do in order to get high. For instance, since my vehicles are currently broke, I am driving one of his. I told him if that thing EVER disappeared for more than two hours, without a GOOD explaination (and PROOF), call it in STOLEN. And I know he will. He won't like it. It will hurt him to put my butt behind bars, but he knows it will be what is best for me AND him.
If you feel ready to deal with a RECOVERING addict, go for it. If you are unsure, tell him some of your concerns. He should understand. Ask him those important questions. Let him know you are interested, but you do not want to get dragged down the path of active addiction and you do not want to see him hurt himself either.
Sorry to be so lengthy. Seeing your post really REALLY hit home (in addition to those songs on the radio) one of the TOP reasons why I am glad that I chose NOT to use every time the desires come. They don't happen as often and I believe the stress of school AND work are not helping matters, but I am so grateful to have SR and all the wonderful people with it, along with my friends and family, and the NA for support.
Cuz us addicts NEED support.
THANK you for posting. I know it may seem weird, but I just need to read about relationships (or potential ones) tonight.. *HUGS*
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 120
Hi Buzz, thank you for your words and thoughts. I definitely agree that honesty is the best policy in ANY relationship... romantic or otherwise...
He is definitely open to talking about his past, considering he also invited me to his "1-Year" celebration at his AA meeting where he spoke openly about it. We have also spoken briefly about it just the two of us. Although I try, when we are together, to have more (sorry for lack of a better word) "normal" conversations... about movies, current events, work....etc...
I am glad to hear you think that a healthy relationship might actually strengthen the resolve of a recovering addict, however I think there might be a fine line between that and being THE reason to continue recovering. This is something I want to avoid at all costs. I know that the person in recovery HAS to continue doing so for his or her own self and for no other. I would never want to be the other person's ONLY lifeline... or as someone on the other board suggested... I don't want to be his "reward" for staying sober... But I suppose this is something I need to talk to him about before things really start up between us. As you said, honesty is best.
I am also very thankful for stories like your friend's. With willpower, determination, and a little love it seems anything is possible.
It is OK to say that you will bail the relationship if he relapses and that is unacceptable to you.
Really? I had never thought about saying that.... but it makes sense if I thought he might relapse. At this point I really have no fear that he will, but again I have little to no experience dealing with addicts or recovering addicts so I wouldn't know what kind of signs to look for. To be fair to him though I think I have to start out by giving him my faith and full confidence and I suppose it would be up to him to lose it. But I wouldn't ever want to go into a relationship with a doubt like that in my heart.
But rest assured I will not go into this with my eyes closed. I realize it would be a MUCH different relationship than any I've ever been in, so yes... eyes wide open.
I wish you all the best Buzz.
He is definitely open to talking about his past, considering he also invited me to his "1-Year" celebration at his AA meeting where he spoke openly about it. We have also spoken briefly about it just the two of us. Although I try, when we are together, to have more (sorry for lack of a better word) "normal" conversations... about movies, current events, work....etc...
I am glad to hear you think that a healthy relationship might actually strengthen the resolve of a recovering addict, however I think there might be a fine line between that and being THE reason to continue recovering. This is something I want to avoid at all costs. I know that the person in recovery HAS to continue doing so for his or her own self and for no other. I would never want to be the other person's ONLY lifeline... or as someone on the other board suggested... I don't want to be his "reward" for staying sober... But I suppose this is something I need to talk to him about before things really start up between us. As you said, honesty is best.
I am also very thankful for stories like your friend's. With willpower, determination, and a little love it seems anything is possible.
It is OK to say that you will bail the relationship if he relapses and that is unacceptable to you.
Really? I had never thought about saying that.... but it makes sense if I thought he might relapse. At this point I really have no fear that he will, but again I have little to no experience dealing with addicts or recovering addicts so I wouldn't know what kind of signs to look for. To be fair to him though I think I have to start out by giving him my faith and full confidence and I suppose it would be up to him to lose it. But I wouldn't ever want to go into a relationship with a doubt like that in my heart.
But rest assured I will not go into this with my eyes closed. I realize it would be a MUCH different relationship than any I've ever been in, so yes... eyes wide open.
I wish you all the best Buzz.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 120
CrackQuack.... WOW.... Simply wow.... thank you for your AMAZING and UPLIFTING story! First of all CONGRATULATIONS on being clean for 16 months!!! That is truly an accomplishment.
I have to apologize for my ignorance in much of these matters, which is why it truly helps to hear from people like you. To know that you have not used in 16 months and then to have such a craving as you did last night, for ME, is somewhat hard to imagine... and no I can't even pretend to know what such a strong addiction feels like. Which is why I have such admiration for you and everyone like you that can make the decision to say "NO" to those cravings. So happy for you
I am so glad that you said that your bf gives you ONE MORE reason not to use, rather than him being THE reason. You sound strong enough that if (heaven forbid) anything ever did happen to your relationship you would be able to come through that as clean as you are today. You ARE strong, I can hear it in your words.
And yes, quite a few people have told me to run. They say why would someone like me (never drank, smoked, or done drugs) want to get involved with someone like HIM who has been a drug addict, alcoholic, and still smokes? I say good question... but I dont know. There just seems to be...something... so indescribably special about him. I almost feel like if I didn't give him a chance I may be giving up an opportunity to get to know one of the most amazing people I've ever met. Like you, to me he seems so STRONG in his conviction to never use again. He is quite inspirational.
(If you have time and need a good read you can read my other post on the "Friends and Families of Alcoholics" forum entitled "Scared to start a new relationship... please help" to get the whole story)
I too got home late last night and reading your post really just lifted my spirits. I am so happy that your bf stuck by you and I REALLY needed to hear a story like yours.
Wishing you all the best in everything. Keep living, laughing, and loving!
I have to apologize for my ignorance in much of these matters, which is why it truly helps to hear from people like you. To know that you have not used in 16 months and then to have such a craving as you did last night, for ME, is somewhat hard to imagine... and no I can't even pretend to know what such a strong addiction feels like. Which is why I have such admiration for you and everyone like you that can make the decision to say "NO" to those cravings. So happy for you
I am so glad that you said that your bf gives you ONE MORE reason not to use, rather than him being THE reason. You sound strong enough that if (heaven forbid) anything ever did happen to your relationship you would be able to come through that as clean as you are today. You ARE strong, I can hear it in your words.
And yes, quite a few people have told me to run. They say why would someone like me (never drank, smoked, or done drugs) want to get involved with someone like HIM who has been a drug addict, alcoholic, and still smokes? I say good question... but I dont know. There just seems to be...something... so indescribably special about him. I almost feel like if I didn't give him a chance I may be giving up an opportunity to get to know one of the most amazing people I've ever met. Like you, to me he seems so STRONG in his conviction to never use again. He is quite inspirational.
(If you have time and need a good read you can read my other post on the "Friends and Families of Alcoholics" forum entitled "Scared to start a new relationship... please help" to get the whole story)
I too got home late last night and reading your post really just lifted my spirits. I am so happy that your bf stuck by you and I REALLY needed to hear a story like yours.
Wishing you all the best in everything. Keep living, laughing, and loving!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
tatertot
Time is a good factor. As we work thru things we get better. Some of us have more in the garbage sack than others. No way for us to tell from the web. Asking and truly taking his words not personally but what he needs might give you an answer.
I think most of us want a relationship,, the thing is can we handle it? Can we handle the arguements, the good times, how to reaction or act in certain situations. These are all new behaviors we need to 1) Accept and 2) Act on.
So be aware we need to be sober first before anything else,, if not we are like a plague...
AG
Time is a good factor. As we work thru things we get better. Some of us have more in the garbage sack than others. No way for us to tell from the web. Asking and truly taking his words not personally but what he needs might give you an answer.
I think most of us want a relationship,, the thing is can we handle it? Can we handle the arguements, the good times, how to reaction or act in certain situations. These are all new behaviors we need to 1) Accept and 2) Act on.
So be aware we need to be sober first before anything else,, if not we are like a plague...
AG
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Southern Ontario
Posts: 109
Originally Posted by stugotz 
If I have to question something, than there usually is a good reason. Just sayin....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 120
I think I would be quite insane NOT to have some fears about this situation. But that surely doesn't mean that it is not something to be explored.
I was actually just commenting to a friend last night how sometimes fear can hold you back from some amazing opportunities in life. If we spend our lives running from all our fears we will likely die unhappy and alone... and miss out on so many opportunities and beauty in life!
Just for example what I was commenting on last night was how when I first started volunteering at the Soup Kitchen/Shelter/Rehab Center (6 years ago) all the volunteers are told to generally try to "avoid" or not to make contact with or talk to the Rehab residents that are putting in their time in the kitchen. We aren't really told why, but it gives you the impression that the men are somehow "scary" and are to be "feared". At first it worked and I probably seemed like such a b**** to these guys who were smiling at me and trying to make small conversation and all I could do was smile quickly, say hi, and then move on to another task. I cringe now when I think of how I acted. BUT during the past 2 years or so I have decided not to let that silly fear run my life there. I started actually TALKING to these guys, getting to know their names. Greeting them with a smile and finding out that they are all WONDERFUL human beings. I have met some of the most AMAZING people there and have heard many of their stories. Some have been through the program 3 times before they finally "got it"! I can't tell you how happy I am now that I was able to put those silly fears behind me.
Everytime I go there now I go with joy in my heart and a smile on my face. I sincerely LOVE talking to the guys and it makes me glad to know that they are also comfortable talking to me.
Some fear is healthy, but not to the point that it is debilitating. I am also scared to walk through a dark room, but that doesn't stop me from facing that fear and stepping into the room to try to find a light switch. Once the light is on, it's not so scary.
I was actually just commenting to a friend last night how sometimes fear can hold you back from some amazing opportunities in life. If we spend our lives running from all our fears we will likely die unhappy and alone... and miss out on so many opportunities and beauty in life!
Just for example what I was commenting on last night was how when I first started volunteering at the Soup Kitchen/Shelter/Rehab Center (6 years ago) all the volunteers are told to generally try to "avoid" or not to make contact with or talk to the Rehab residents that are putting in their time in the kitchen. We aren't really told why, but it gives you the impression that the men are somehow "scary" and are to be "feared". At first it worked and I probably seemed like such a b**** to these guys who were smiling at me and trying to make small conversation and all I could do was smile quickly, say hi, and then move on to another task. I cringe now when I think of how I acted. BUT during the past 2 years or so I have decided not to let that silly fear run my life there. I started actually TALKING to these guys, getting to know their names. Greeting them with a smile and finding out that they are all WONDERFUL human beings. I have met some of the most AMAZING people there and have heard many of their stories. Some have been through the program 3 times before they finally "got it"! I can't tell you how happy I am now that I was able to put those silly fears behind me.
Everytime I go there now I go with joy in my heart and a smile on my face. I sincerely LOVE talking to the guys and it makes me glad to know that they are also comfortable talking to me.
Some fear is healthy, but not to the point that it is debilitating. I am also scared to walk through a dark room, but that doesn't stop me from facing that fear and stepping into the room to try to find a light switch. Once the light is on, it's not so scary.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 142
I cannot comment on your particular situation other than to say that it appears like you are seeking validation for the decision you make (or likely have mentally made). In the end, you are going to have to trust yourself and your own judgment. Wishing you well in whatever you choose.
Wishing you well in whatever you choose.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 120
Ok, so it's been a while since I posted, but thought I would give an update...
We have moved things along, a little.. but really, really need some advice from people "in the know!"
Ok...... something happened over the weekend that I think I view as a possible "red flag"... just wondering if I am overreacting, or if this might be something I need to be concerned about and keep a major eye out for in the future...
Now this might seem counter productive to "going slow", but really I think I am going slow with my heart. If something happened now that we never saw each other again my heart wouldn't break. At this point anyway...
But anyway I did spend Saturday night at his place. So a few years ago I went through a really bad bout of insomnia, for which I was perscribed sleeping pills. I am now off the pills, except when I go on vacation or sleep somewhere other than home, then I still take them to calm my anxiety of not being able to sleep.
So finally I asked him if we were done talking because I had to take a sleeping pill, and once I took one I would be dead to the world within 20 minutes. He then immediately asked if he could have one. I just looked at him and said NO. He then actually asked a couple more times (to my ears it sounded like pleading). I told him he didn't need one. Men fall asleep like rocks. (Especially since we had already talked about the location of his apartment, it is right beside a really busy street that never gets quiet, but he told me he has no problem sleeping through the noise, it's just background noise to him).
So I stood my ground and didn't give him one. But now that it is a couple of days later it is REALLY bothering me that he would ask. Other than that one incident we had a really nice weekend.
Am I insane to be so concerned? Should I bring it up with him about how much it bothered me? Or am I just being paranoid and LOOKING for something to be concerned about? I really don't know what to do or think...
Thanks for any and all thoughts...
We have moved things along, a little.. but really, really need some advice from people "in the know!"
Ok...... something happened over the weekend that I think I view as a possible "red flag"... just wondering if I am overreacting, or if this might be something I need to be concerned about and keep a major eye out for in the future...
Now this might seem counter productive to "going slow", but really I think I am going slow with my heart. If something happened now that we never saw each other again my heart wouldn't break. At this point anyway...
But anyway I did spend Saturday night at his place. So a few years ago I went through a really bad bout of insomnia, for which I was perscribed sleeping pills. I am now off the pills, except when I go on vacation or sleep somewhere other than home, then I still take them to calm my anxiety of not being able to sleep.
So finally I asked him if we were done talking because I had to take a sleeping pill, and once I took one I would be dead to the world within 20 minutes. He then immediately asked if he could have one. I just looked at him and said NO. He then actually asked a couple more times (to my ears it sounded like pleading). I told him he didn't need one. Men fall asleep like rocks. (Especially since we had already talked about the location of his apartment, it is right beside a really busy street that never gets quiet, but he told me he has no problem sleeping through the noise, it's just background noise to him).
So I stood my ground and didn't give him one. But now that it is a couple of days later it is REALLY bothering me that he would ask. Other than that one incident we had a really nice weekend.
Am I insane to be so concerned? Should I bring it up with him about how much it bothered me? Or am I just being paranoid and LOOKING for something to be concerned about? I really don't know what to do or think...
Thanks for any and all thoughts...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dayton, OH.
Posts: 879
Yeah, in my book, that is a major red flag. I mean there is the smallest, less than 1% chance that he was testing you, but that is a huge no no. We're not to take drugs of ANY kind unless they are prescribed to us or used as directed (as OTC meds). If you've got a script and he asks for one, over and over.. That's a huge no no.
Kinda goes along with what my ex did to me. Him: "Hey you wanna hit this?" Me: "No way. Crack is addicting!" and we'd go round and round every time, like that. Then he tried to get me with one of his friends coming over and smoking and that guy asked if I wanted some and I said nope. Then one fateful night I had been drinking and got stupid. I asked what the big deal was with that junk and he said just to try one and I'd see. So I did, and two years of my life got wasted to crack cocaine. HUGE mistake.
Maybe he had a moment of weakness, but either way, suggest he go to a meeting and confess that little altercation. And keep your distance until he figures out where he has gone wrong to have put you in such a bad position. Don't accept just an apology. Let him know he has to prove he is sorry and won't do that again with actions.
That is definitely not a good sign.
Kinda goes along with what my ex did to me. Him: "Hey you wanna hit this?" Me: "No way. Crack is addicting!" and we'd go round and round every time, like that. Then he tried to get me with one of his friends coming over and smoking and that guy asked if I wanted some and I said nope. Then one fateful night I had been drinking and got stupid. I asked what the big deal was with that junk and he said just to try one and I'd see. So I did, and two years of my life got wasted to crack cocaine. HUGE mistake.
Maybe he had a moment of weakness, but either way, suggest he go to a meeting and confess that little altercation. And keep your distance until he figures out where he has gone wrong to have put you in such a bad position. Don't accept just an apology. Let him know he has to prove he is sorry and won't do that again with actions.
That is definitely not a good sign.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 68
Just throwing in my two cents but...I wouldn't necessarily say asking for a sleeping pill is a "red flag". Unless he's crushing and snorting four or five Ambien, the only result is that he'd fall asleep.
Did you happen to ask him why he wanted one? I know you said he normally sleeps soundly in spite of the noise but perhaps he'd had a couple of nights of not sleeping well and simply thought it would be a good idea.
Or, since you told him you basically be unconscious in twenty minutes, he felt safer knowing he'd also be asleep.
Did you happen to ask him why he wanted one? I know you said he normally sleeps soundly in spite of the noise but perhaps he'd had a couple of nights of not sleeping well and simply thought it would be a good idea.
Or, since you told him you basically be unconscious in twenty minutes, he felt safer knowing he'd also be asleep.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dayton, OH.
Posts: 879
I have to disagree. Asking to take any medication NOT prescribed TO you, in your name, for you and the condition your doctor has diagnosed you with, is technically abuse and should be considered a red flag or a warning. He should never have asked her for it. Now if it was just an OTC thing and he was asking to take it as directed, I'd see the point of it not being a concern, but trust me, I wasn't crushing and snorting vicodins back in the day, when I was trying to get off of crack cocaine, and I didn't take more than four a day, yet I took them because I wanted that "relief buzz" of something else to take my mind off of crack. I swallowed them like normal..While they were prescribed to me, yes, I was still technically abusing them because I didn't take them for what they had been prescribed for. And when they did run out (I got only 20 a month, at the time), I did buy more off the streets. Again, abuse.
Not saying it's a total relapse thing and he is taking 5,10, 15 a day or whatever, or even wants to, but it's certainly cause for caution and it's a warning. Something is wrong and he should be talking about why he felt comfortable, knowing that she knows he's an addict/alcoholic, asking her for HER prescribed medication.
Remember, ONE is too many and a thousand is never enough.
It starts with ONE.
Not saying it's a total relapse thing and he is taking 5,10, 15 a day or whatever, or even wants to, but it's certainly cause for caution and it's a warning. Something is wrong and he should be talking about why he felt comfortable, knowing that she knows he's an addict/alcoholic, asking her for HER prescribed medication.
Remember, ONE is too many and a thousand is never enough.
It starts with ONE.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
I am a straight up alcoholic, and even when prescribed pills I usually don't even fill the prescription. My sponsor would consider taking someone else's meds a slip. Even taking my own meds is a slip if I over use them.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Boston, ma
Posts: 59
Hi Tatertot,
I am an addict and just starting my journey off the pills. I know that the same behaviour would come from me if someone had some pills. It wouldn't matter if they were sleeping pills, benzo, muscle relaxents or my DOC opiates. I would have probably have waited until you fell asleep and then took one or two out of your bottle. I would talk this over with him.
Best of luck,
Babsy
I am an addict and just starting my journey off the pills. I know that the same behaviour would come from me if someone had some pills. It wouldn't matter if they were sleeping pills, benzo, muscle relaxents or my DOC opiates. I would have probably have waited until you fell asleep and then took one or two out of your bottle. I would talk this over with him.
Best of luck,
Babsy
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
I can't comment on the sleeping pill per se, but a huge, HUGE, red flag to me would be not taking no for an answer the first time round, especially this early in a relationship.
Early in a relationship, whilst putting our best foot forward and being on our best behavior, we test (subconciously) the boundaries and limits of our partner, what sort of thing will they accept, and stay around after. You didn't give in when he pestered, but what does this situation say about what you are prepared to accept in a relationship.
who asks again if they can have something of somebody else's after they have said no? from my experience someone with entitlement issues.
think about what that might mean.
Early in a relationship, whilst putting our best foot forward and being on our best behavior, we test (subconciously) the boundaries and limits of our partner, what sort of thing will they accept, and stay around after. You didn't give in when he pestered, but what does this situation say about what you are prepared to accept in a relationship.
who asks again if they can have something of somebody else's after they have said no? from my experience someone with entitlement issues.
think about what that might mean.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
