Tealvertigo

Hello,

As some of you know, I have Bipolar II, and I am still alive but it's about driven me off of a cliff. The thing is, I can handle it hurting me. What I can't handle is the fact that it's taking a toll on my family. They get to see me either depressed or angry, both of which are to the extreme. It's gotten to where they don't trust my behavior, which bugs me but I don't really blame them.

I am being counseled and medicated for it- I have been on more types of meds than I can count, but right now I'm on Luvox (antidepressant) and Abilify. I take the Luvox every night, which keeps me from being depressed too often, but I can't stand the Abilify because, while it keeps me from being angry, it kills my creativity and makes me feel funny. It works, and it is my fault for not taking it, but I just feel like a robot when I take it.

This Fall I will be going off to college, which I am thrilled for because I won't be in my family's hair so much, and I believe I will do better on my own. I think it's about time to move on and start my life on my own. My fear is holding on until then- I am pretty unstable and I'm running out of ideas on how to contain myself.

I need to start taking the abilify, but I hate it and can't stand the way it makes me feel. It kills my anger, which I want, but it kills my ideas, too. What do you guys do to push yourself to take your meds, even if you don't want to?

What can I do to make amends with my family and be less overbearing on them, without withdrawing myself from them?

Ceres

"What can I do to make amends with my family and be less overbearing on them, without withdrawing myself from them?"

Simplicity has really worked for me. Early in recovery (also while my meds were not in effect yet) I was told to give each person in my household three compliments a day. I also had to write them down. Discipline. Doing this has triple benefits for me. One being that when you give a compliment it does something inside of you. Two, obviously, it lifts up the other person - Three, watch out - the other person tends to be kinder and more complimentary of you. - Boosting your esteem even more.

It might seem "fake" to consciously give compliments and write them down. But it really isn't. It's self-discipline. Because of how our heads tend to work, we need to train our minds and eyes to see the good. After a while, it just happens naturally. :-)

evmdimples

Teal, I'm not very good expressing with words, this may be a bit jumbled, but i'll give it my best try. Firstoff, I'm really sorry you are having such a hard time! I know how difficult these things are. While I don't have answers to your two questions, your share touched me in a very personal way. I'm on the receiving end of the behaviours you describe. I know how much my SO struggles but has decided not to take her meds, quit cold turkey one day, for the same reasons you've described. She is not in therapy. It is very difficult on everyone around her, but I think most of all on her, on whatever is going on inside. I know that when she is able to share her innermost feelings with me, we are able to connect at another level, beyond anger and depression.

As the recipient of her anger, one of the hardest things for me has been NOT hearing an "I'm sorry" from her after an (unprovoked) outburst. The few times she's been able to say those words (maybe three times in 2 years?) has been all that's been needed to repair the rift between us.

You have my utmost admiration for your honest share, for your awareness about your actions and the impact on those around you and for your willingness to work on and "walk" in the steps.

Aliz, once again, your comments are most valuable. A good dose of daily discipline is surely what has gotten me out of my head and into positive action. The key for me has been: daily discipline! Part of that discipline has involved being very attentive to what's going on inside of me. If and when I feel I've wronged someone, I quickly take steps to make amends. Step 10 in action. I write the email, I make the phone call, I tell someone I'm sorry. I make sure I apologize for behavior that I'm not happy with. It used to take me awhile to figure out that I'd wronged someone. These days I come into awareness rather quickly. Step 10 is possibly one of my favorite steps!

peace.

ranae1221

IMO, and granted I'm not a doctor, but if the Abilify is having a negative effect, can it really be working? With so many different medications out there, I would think there would something that would work better for you, without the negative side effects.

How long have you given the Abilify to work? I mean, did you take it every day for at least 6 weeks, or did you kind of stop and do the hit and miss thing after a few days? The reason I ask is because sometimes it takes a while for the medication to start working, and there can be side effects for the first few weeks but then those side effects stop as your body becomes more used to it.

I've been on medication for almost 10 years, and I am still bad about always taking it like I should. I am much much better than I used to be. I remember how bad I feel when I don't take it, and that is what motoviates me to take it.

My job, as stressful as it is and as much as I don't like it sometimes, motivates me to take my meds. I know I can't work without taking them.

Course, also remembering that 1 time I went off the meds I had the cops after me to put me back in the hospital.........that also keeps me pretty motivated