Let's talk about Mother's Day
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Let's talk about Mother's Day
I can't be the only one who has feelings of guilt and resentment and sadness stirred up today.
I haven't spoken to my mother in about two years, and I never even really did anything grand for her for Mother's Day when we were speaking, but I can't help but feel like she is probably feeling very angry today that I haven't sent her anything for Mother's Day. She lives in a delusional world where I'm still expected to make these acknowledgements despite my very clear decision to not allow her in my life. I know I have done the right thing in going no contact with her but this holiday makes me question myself in a way. It feels so weird and exhausting to have these feelings but here they are, and I'm trying to sort them out.
My grandmother was more of my mother than my actual mother, so I would always get her a hanging fuchsia plant for her porch for Mother's Day. I think I would just get my mom a card. My grandmother died about three years ago, and I do miss her very much. Part of what I miss is the protective shield she was for me from my mother's insanity. I bore the full brunt of it after her death, which led to me going no contact with my mother in only a year's time.
Growing up, I knew both of my parents were 'recovering' alcoholics, more recently I realize they are simply sober and that there have been huge ramifications in my life because of their inability to the parent me the way they should have. I never really felt that before because I never, ever saw them drink or be drunk. It almost makes it hard to wrap my head around this being the cause of the problems between us, and I actually don't think it's the real cause. I think the dysfunction that has gone on for generations in my family is the cause of both their alcoholism and their inability to meet my childhood needs.
My father was never really in my life after they divorced when I was about a year old, I have only met him about 4 or 5 times in my whole life. In a way I am extremely glad for his absence, the little contact I have had with him over the years has made me suspect he is a sociopath. But I never got to have a father and that has certainly affected my adult life.
As far as my mother goes, she was simply incapable of meeting my needs, and I was made to feel like I was the parent in that relationship. I can remember being a small child and she would cry to me about all her problems, and I would say 'why don't you do x, y, or z?' Offering very adult-like advice to my mother at a very young age, and I feel so angry now that I was denied the opportunity to be an actual kid. I had so much anxiety as a child, lots of insomnia and nervous tics. Is it any wonder?
The only time I got to be a kid was when my Grams took care of me, which thankfully was quite often. Any time I wasn't in school I was shipped off to her house; every weekend, all summer long, and every school vacation. And when I was 11 we moved in with her, on my suggestion I might add. I remember my mother having one of her usual crying freakouts about money and whatnot, and I finally said 'hey, why don't we just move in with Grams?', so we did and it was better after that in many ways. But a child should never have to be the one to come up with the solution to an adult's problems.
Today I am feeling sad about the loss of my grandmother, angry at my mother for so many things, and overwhelmed by all the work I now know I must do to pick up the pieces of my life.
I am also starting to have uncomfortable thoughts of resentment towards my grandmother. I am almost done reading 'Codependent No More' and it's made me start to think about her role in the family dysfunction. I do see now that she was very codependent, and I remember her trying desperately to 'control' everyone and anyone in her path. She was very masterful with her guilt-trips. It wasn't until she was gone that I was allowed to admit that my mother did not do for me what she was supposed to. It was a forbidden topic, and I was made to feel that I should be very grateful that I was getting my needs met at all (by my Grams), and therefore I should not feel like I had been denied anything in life, just because it didn't come from the person who was supposed to give it (my mother). It feels like I wasn't allowed to face and address the dysfunction of my family until my Grams was gone, and it makes me think she was actually the one who kept us all in our various roles.
So I am starting to feel angry about that, that my recovery from my family dysfunction had to be so delayed. But somewhere in there is anger at myself, for not having the strength to break free of it all earlier, regardless of my Grandmother's tight control. And I feel guilty for having these thoughts because my Grams really did take good care of me in so many ways, she was truly a wonderful, caring parent to me and she didn't have to be. I think about what it would have been like without her and I know I would have been so much worse off.
It's a lot of work to unravel all these different feelings, and some seem quite contrary to one another.
Today, I am going to acknowledge and work through whatever feelings of residual guilt I have. I'm going to buy a fuchsia plant for my porch in memory of my Grandmother, who did so much for me. But I'm also not going to put her on a pedestal, I will allow myself to admit that things were still not exactly as they should have been in my childhood and that I had needs that were not met. And I will work to move past that and to build up my life as an adult to be healthy and balanced. Because I can do that, I am not a powerless child anymore and I have a choice as to how my life looks.
I haven't spoken to my mother in about two years, and I never even really did anything grand for her for Mother's Day when we were speaking, but I can't help but feel like she is probably feeling very angry today that I haven't sent her anything for Mother's Day. She lives in a delusional world where I'm still expected to make these acknowledgements despite my very clear decision to not allow her in my life. I know I have done the right thing in going no contact with her but this holiday makes me question myself in a way. It feels so weird and exhausting to have these feelings but here they are, and I'm trying to sort them out.
My grandmother was more of my mother than my actual mother, so I would always get her a hanging fuchsia plant for her porch for Mother's Day. I think I would just get my mom a card. My grandmother died about three years ago, and I do miss her very much. Part of what I miss is the protective shield she was for me from my mother's insanity. I bore the full brunt of it after her death, which led to me going no contact with my mother in only a year's time.
Growing up, I knew both of my parents were 'recovering' alcoholics, more recently I realize they are simply sober and that there have been huge ramifications in my life because of their inability to the parent me the way they should have. I never really felt that before because I never, ever saw them drink or be drunk. It almost makes it hard to wrap my head around this being the cause of the problems between us, and I actually don't think it's the real cause. I think the dysfunction that has gone on for generations in my family is the cause of both their alcoholism and their inability to meet my childhood needs.
My father was never really in my life after they divorced when I was about a year old, I have only met him about 4 or 5 times in my whole life. In a way I am extremely glad for his absence, the little contact I have had with him over the years has made me suspect he is a sociopath. But I never got to have a father and that has certainly affected my adult life.
As far as my mother goes, she was simply incapable of meeting my needs, and I was made to feel like I was the parent in that relationship. I can remember being a small child and she would cry to me about all her problems, and I would say 'why don't you do x, y, or z?' Offering very adult-like advice to my mother at a very young age, and I feel so angry now that I was denied the opportunity to be an actual kid. I had so much anxiety as a child, lots of insomnia and nervous tics. Is it any wonder?
The only time I got to be a kid was when my Grams took care of me, which thankfully was quite often. Any time I wasn't in school I was shipped off to her house; every weekend, all summer long, and every school vacation. And when I was 11 we moved in with her, on my suggestion I might add. I remember my mother having one of her usual crying freakouts about money and whatnot, and I finally said 'hey, why don't we just move in with Grams?', so we did and it was better after that in many ways. But a child should never have to be the one to come up with the solution to an adult's problems.
Today I am feeling sad about the loss of my grandmother, angry at my mother for so many things, and overwhelmed by all the work I now know I must do to pick up the pieces of my life.
I am also starting to have uncomfortable thoughts of resentment towards my grandmother. I am almost done reading 'Codependent No More' and it's made me start to think about her role in the family dysfunction. I do see now that she was very codependent, and I remember her trying desperately to 'control' everyone and anyone in her path. She was very masterful with her guilt-trips. It wasn't until she was gone that I was allowed to admit that my mother did not do for me what she was supposed to. It was a forbidden topic, and I was made to feel that I should be very grateful that I was getting my needs met at all (by my Grams), and therefore I should not feel like I had been denied anything in life, just because it didn't come from the person who was supposed to give it (my mother). It feels like I wasn't allowed to face and address the dysfunction of my family until my Grams was gone, and it makes me think she was actually the one who kept us all in our various roles.
So I am starting to feel angry about that, that my recovery from my family dysfunction had to be so delayed. But somewhere in there is anger at myself, for not having the strength to break free of it all earlier, regardless of my Grandmother's tight control. And I feel guilty for having these thoughts because my Grams really did take good care of me in so many ways, she was truly a wonderful, caring parent to me and she didn't have to be. I think about what it would have been like without her and I know I would have been so much worse off.
It's a lot of work to unravel all these different feelings, and some seem quite contrary to one another.
Today, I am going to acknowledge and work through whatever feelings of residual guilt I have. I'm going to buy a fuchsia plant for my porch in memory of my Grandmother, who did so much for me. But I'm also not going to put her on a pedestal, I will allow myself to admit that things were still not exactly as they should have been in my childhood and that I had needs that were not met. And I will work to move past that and to build up my life as an adult to be healthy and balanced. Because I can do that, I am not a powerless child anymore and I have a choice as to how my life looks.
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Join Date: Sep 2004
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all these holidays set up expectation and the shoulds for me, things "should" be this way, that way. and guess what, my family members also get loaded with expectations of me as well. hence why everything falls to shite and each year i remember those times but also brace myself for the next wave. as my family has disintegrated and dont believe in my recovery journey that much etc its more of a time for grief for me.
i lost my grandmother, my dear nonna this year and i share with your grief, a gift i realised though is that my nonna really cherished me and her legacy is that i now have the ability to love unconditionally and cherish others because she did treat me so well when i was with her and i miss her too. i have found alanon such a comfort for me, theres a book called "from survival to recovery" for adult children of alcoholics which talks about the family illness and its effects on kids growing up, it may help you, it brought me a lot of clarity and validation.
i love my mother and got her some flowers but even though we have a relationship it is strained at times because she says things i find to be really thoughtless whereas my sister and i are now fairly estranged, we just leave gifts for each other at the moment but i am tiring of having anything to do with them, sometimes i used to feel suicidal whereas now i feel like travelling and so on but really what i dont want to have to do is accept this is my family, and this is how it is, but that is the first step of grief, the first step for me in no longer waiting on the world to change so i can be free and no longer a victim. we are loveable creatures, even if we have been born into a family affected by this dis-ease. peace be with you.
i lost my grandmother, my dear nonna this year and i share with your grief, a gift i realised though is that my nonna really cherished me and her legacy is that i now have the ability to love unconditionally and cherish others because she did treat me so well when i was with her and i miss her too. i have found alanon such a comfort for me, theres a book called "from survival to recovery" for adult children of alcoholics which talks about the family illness and its effects on kids growing up, it may help you, it brought me a lot of clarity and validation.
i love my mother and got her some flowers but even though we have a relationship it is strained at times because she says things i find to be really thoughtless whereas my sister and i are now fairly estranged, we just leave gifts for each other at the moment but i am tiring of having anything to do with them, sometimes i used to feel suicidal whereas now i feel like travelling and so on but really what i dont want to have to do is accept this is my family, and this is how it is, but that is the first step of grief, the first step for me in no longer waiting on the world to change so i can be free and no longer a victim. we are loveable creatures, even if we have been born into a family affected by this dis-ease. peace be with you.
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 238
Hi Beantowngirl,
Mother's Day is hard for me, too. A lot of the complicated feelings you have about your grandmother, I have about my mother. She did her best to take care of me, but she didn't take me out of a bad situation that continues to affect my life. I recognize and appreciate the good things she did and realize she did the best she could, but I still am angry that I have more pain in my life because of her decisions. It's hard and confusing to love her and be angry and resentful at the same time.
Like you, my needs weren't met as a child and I'm trying to change that as an adult. I hope we both figure it out.
Mother's Day is hard for me, too. A lot of the complicated feelings you have about your grandmother, I have about my mother. She did her best to take care of me, but she didn't take me out of a bad situation that continues to affect my life. I recognize and appreciate the good things she did and realize she did the best she could, but I still am angry that I have more pain in my life because of her decisions. It's hard and confusing to love her and be angry and resentful at the same time.
Like you, my needs weren't met as a child and I'm trying to change that as an adult. I hope we both figure it out.
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
Mother's Day is also difficult for me. Made more so now that one of the closer people to me has children with substance abuse problems and she has had to distance herself from her own children.
I made a mother's day card for my friend. It had to not mention children. That's a tough one.
I had my mom over for dinner. At my house. Because we have no alcohol here. It wasn't too bad, although I'm guessing she would have liked things to have been different.
I no longer feel the guilt, just a deep sorrowful sense of pity. I am more emotionally attached to my mother in law than my mother.
As for the "shoulds", those are primarily pushed by Madison Avenue. I liken it to the "If you don't buy me a diamond, you don't love me" push that we get around Valentine's Day. According to the ads, all mothers are caring and wonderful and do so many things for us all each day. I suppose my mom did things for me, but not in the way that was necessarily beneficial, and certainly not in a way deserving of being marked by a special day.
I dislike these "Hallmark Holidays" greatly. Even Valentine's Day, although I'm lucky enough to have a husband who knows that I'd rather have something practical than something shiny.
I made a mother's day card for my friend. It had to not mention children. That's a tough one.
I had my mom over for dinner. At my house. Because we have no alcohol here. It wasn't too bad, although I'm guessing she would have liked things to have been different.
I no longer feel the guilt, just a deep sorrowful sense of pity. I am more emotionally attached to my mother in law than my mother.
As for the "shoulds", those are primarily pushed by Madison Avenue. I liken it to the "If you don't buy me a diamond, you don't love me" push that we get around Valentine's Day. According to the ads, all mothers are caring and wonderful and do so many things for us all each day. I suppose my mom did things for me, but not in the way that was necessarily beneficial, and certainly not in a way deserving of being marked by a special day.
I dislike these "Hallmark Holidays" greatly. Even Valentine's Day, although I'm lucky enough to have a husband who knows that I'd rather have something practical than something shiny.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
Originally Posted by Beantowngirl 
I can remember being a small child and she would cry to me about all her problems, and I would say 'why don't you do x, y, or z?' Offering very adult-like advice to my mother at a very young age, and I feel so angry now that I was denied the opportunity to be an actual kid. I had so much anxiety as a child, lots of insomnia and nervous tics. Is it any wonder?
a child should never have to be the one to come up with the solution to an adult's problems
a child should never have to be the one to come up with the solution to an adult's problems
Originally Posted by Beantowngirl
It feels like I wasn't allowed to face and address the dysfunction of my family until my Grams was gone, and it makes me think she was actually the one who kept us all in our various roles.
And maybe she did. Maybe that's why she managed to commit to doing a better job with you. It might not have been perfect, but she did what she could with what she knew.
Breaking out of these roles is tremendous work. For many people it can take 100% removal from their family to really see the mess for what it is (as you did). Not everyone gets that rare opportunity, in spite of their efforts to get better.
Originally Posted by Beantowngirl
Today, I am going to acknowledge and work through whatever feelings of residual guilt I have. I'm going to buy a fuchsia plant for my porch in memory of my Grandmother, who did so much for me. But I'm also not going to put her on a pedestal, I will allow myself to admit that things were still not exactly as they should have been in my childhood and that I had needs that were not met.
Not that their behavior/choices are magically excusable, but at the end of the day often we are left with the knowledge that [some of] our parents did they best they could with what they had at the time. That they were human like us, and made mistakes that hurt people, even if that wasn't their intention. It's our adult right and well-earned capability to have the wisdom to move beyond our own self-focused pain, and see the bigger picture. We're still allowed to feel our pain and cope with it as we feel is appropriate; it just stings a little less knowing we were often simply loved by imperfect people.
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: WA Rainforest
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This year I noticed that I don't have any feelings about Mother's Day anymore. That my siblings and I never did anything for Mother's Day beyond whatever card-making activity the public schools fostered in our classrooms. This year I would hear an ad on the radio starting with something along the lines of, " because she did x for you, and y for you, and z for you ... " and I'd think, Nope, not my mother! and change the station. And forget about it. Same thing will happen in June with Father's Day.
Your mother, like mine, did not do the things that a mother should have done. But it sounds like you have a good handle on things now. I like your plan for buying yourself a fuchsia in memory of your grandmother. There's no need to get caught up in the whole guilt trip over a concocted holiday that does not apply to your life as it is.
Your mother, like mine, did not do the things that a mother should have done. But it sounds like you have a good handle on things now. I like your plan for buying yourself a fuchsia in memory of your grandmother. There's no need to get caught up in the whole guilt trip over a concocted holiday that does not apply to your life as it is.
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