The sad part of this all
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Join Date: Apr 2009
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The sad part of this all
It just hit me today, mid-conversation, that AF, who is currently in a major downward spiral, is not only really suffering, but is drinking to the level where he will probably die very soon. And regardless, that this will almost definitely kill him eventually. And that there is nothing I can do about it. And that it isn't because of me. I know that this sort of realization is where this work is supposed to start, but it just hit me. So I'm left feeling sad, and powerless, and sympathetic, and slightly flattened. It feels very different from the usual guilty and burdened with a side of guilty.
I feel a little relieved, in a strange way, because even as I've stopped being "involved" in his alcoholism, I've held myself responsible for, essentially, his life. If I can't do anything and it's not about me, I don't have to hold on to that impossible responsibility (did I mention guilt?
) But at the same time, it's deeply sad to accept that he is going to suffer, and probably die, and it's just out of my hands.
For all the strategies and steps and learning, and changing something so something changes, there's a really important part of this that about what I can't do. And somehow giving up that false idea of power and control and obligation is linked to acknowledging that my father is suffering because of something out of my control, and even that I have been and am being hurt by something beyond my control. And that's a big thing.
I feel a little relieved, in a strange way, because even as I've stopped being "involved" in his alcoholism, I've held myself responsible for, essentially, his life. If I can't do anything and it's not about me, I don't have to hold on to that impossible responsibility (did I mention guilt?
) But at the same time, it's deeply sad to accept that he is going to suffer, and probably die, and it's just out of my hands. For all the strategies and steps and learning, and changing something so something changes, there's a really important part of this that about what I can't do. And somehow giving up that false idea of power and control and obligation is linked to acknowledging that my father is suffering because of something out of my control, and even that I have been and am being hurt by something beyond my control. And that's a big thing.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
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For me there is a stage between sickness and health -- say right after you've just had surgery to remove a cancer -- when there is a big "flattening" as you so aptly put it. You're no longer being actively damaged by the disease, but you're not yet reach to bound up and go dance with the bunnies either. It still hurts.
This is what it felt like when I really, truly, finally came to the realization that the whole damned thing was out of my control (in my case, three addicted siblings, two of whom have since died) Empty, scooped out, exhausted, and sad.
It was preferable to the agony of thinking that I still had power over the situation and was killing them by my lack of superhuman powers. But it took quite a while for me to start to feel okay about myself again.
It's almost like.....I finally realized I was powerless, and felt guilty for being powerless!!!
Small things helped me to regain my feet slowly. In the case of one sister, I regained some self-love by caring for her daughter, whom she left behind when she died. In the case of the other sister, I worked with (and still work with) friends & family of alcoholics, so they might not end up like her. In the case of the third (my living brother) I try to keep his mother level and sane as much as I can, a stable voice in her life.
Because while I was powerless over my siblings' choices around alcohol & drugs, I wasn't powerless over my life, or over the goodness I could bring to it.
Sad to say, it got easier after they died. Half the pain and stress was the waiting for the other shoe to drop...waiting for them to reach the end of your journey.
I'd urge you to get all the help you can between now and then, poetry. Circle the emotional/spiritual wagons and try to take good care of yourself.
Hugs,
gl
This is what it felt like when I really, truly, finally came to the realization that the whole damned thing was out of my control (in my case, three addicted siblings, two of whom have since died) Empty, scooped out, exhausted, and sad.
It was preferable to the agony of thinking that I still had power over the situation and was killing them by my lack of superhuman powers. But it took quite a while for me to start to feel okay about myself again.
It's almost like.....I finally realized I was powerless, and felt guilty for being powerless!!!
Small things helped me to regain my feet slowly. In the case of one sister, I regained some self-love by caring for her daughter, whom she left behind when she died. In the case of the other sister, I worked with (and still work with) friends & family of alcoholics, so they might not end up like her. In the case of the third (my living brother) I try to keep his mother level and sane as much as I can, a stable voice in her life.
Because while I was powerless over my siblings' choices around alcohol & drugs, I wasn't powerless over my life, or over the goodness I could bring to it.
Sad to say, it got easier after they died. Half the pain and stress was the waiting for the other shoe to drop...waiting for them to reach the end of your journey.
I'd urge you to get all the help you can between now and then, poetry. Circle the emotional/spiritual wagons and try to take good care of yourself.
Hugs,
gl
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello there Poetry 
Around here we call that "acceptance". For me it was giving up on the various fantasies I was maintaining since childhood. I came to believe that there was no happy ending this time, at least not for my biological parents. I too felt sad, for everything they _could_ have had, if only they had tried.
I also was able to find "forgiveness" at that moment. I was able to stop the fantasy that somehow, someway, they would "pay back" the childhood they owed me. I was free from the eternal burden of trying to collect that debt.
Like GiveLove said, what got me out of that dark place was to throw myself into service work with others. Being able to share not only helped me heal, it helped others find useful tidbits of knowledge. I _can_ control my actions, and how I direct my life, and that has been the biggest healing in my recovery.
It took me a lot longer to reach that acceptance. It wasn't until my father passed, and years after my mother. You're doing this recovery thing a whole lot faster than me, Poetry, that's awesome. I know it doesn't feel good right now, but it is a very good thing.
Mike
Originally Posted by PoetryandHums 
...So I'm left feeling sad, and powerless, and sympathetic, and slightly flattened. It feels very different from the usual guilty and burdened with a side of guilty.....
I also was able to find "forgiveness" at that moment. I was able to stop the fantasy that somehow, someway, they would "pay back" the childhood they owed me. I was free from the eternal burden of trying to collect that debt.
Like GiveLove said, what got me out of that dark place was to throw myself into service work with others. Being able to share not only helped me heal, it helped others find useful tidbits of knowledge. I _can_ control my actions, and how I direct my life, and that has been the biggest healing in my recovery.
It took me a lot longer to reach that acceptance. It wasn't until my father passed, and years after my mother. You're doing this recovery thing a whole lot faster than me, Poetry, that's awesome. I know it doesn't feel good right now, but it is a very good thing.
Mike
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
My favorite quote on this subject:
Here is a link to the whole thing if you like:
The Prophet
L
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
-Gibran
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
-Gibran
The Prophet
L
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
it's deeply sad to accept
You and your dad have my prayers, that whatever happens goes with as little pain as possible.
Like Mike, I am really impressed with how well you are accepting and keeping yourself in the truth. I am still struggling with acceptance, with the understanding that the situations and people around me are exactly as the HP wants it to be and that it won't change just because I don't like it.
Keep us posted.
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
Welcome to the other side of the 'acceptance' door. You're right, it is flattening, liberating, depressing and uplifting, all at the same time. Who knew we could hold so many conflicting emotions all at once.
I will give you great big gigantic kudos for finding acceptance - many people never get there. While it's not a happy place, it is much more peaceful than perpetually beating yourself up over things you didn't have the ability to do anything about. It's a huge leap forward in recovery.
I hope that this acceptance helps you move further towards being healthy and that it doesn't overwhelm you with it's various myriad of emotions that comes along with it.
I came to accept my mother many years ago. She's never been 'functional' by any stretch. The strongest feeling I have for her now is pity at the loss of human potential. I still struggle with my father, as he is highly functional most of the time and only really goes over the edge when he's so drunk he's slurring his speech, so I sometimes forget that he's still very toxic since about half the time he behaves like a fairly normal (note: not healthy, normal) person.
I will give you great big gigantic kudos for finding acceptance - many people never get there. While it's not a happy place, it is much more peaceful than perpetually beating yourself up over things you didn't have the ability to do anything about. It's a huge leap forward in recovery.
I hope that this acceptance helps you move further towards being healthy and that it doesn't overwhelm you with it's various myriad of emotions that comes along with it.
I came to accept my mother many years ago. She's never been 'functional' by any stretch. The strongest feeling I have for her now is pity at the loss of human potential. I still struggle with my father, as he is highly functional most of the time and only really goes over the edge when he's so drunk he's slurring his speech, so I sometimes forget that he's still very toxic since about half the time he behaves like a fairly normal (note: not healthy, normal) person.
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