Fluxion

Hello everyone,

I'm new to SR. I was reading in various forums to see what my problem might be. Why my life is so unmanageable... I thought I must have addictive problems because my life has been as chaotic as any alcoholic/drug addicts story reads. I strongly identify with addicts/alcoholics here, and in my real life. Remove the references to craving, obtaining, using drugs and alcohol and our stories sound the same. (Right down to the coffee/cigarette addictions you see so much in AA members).
(Periodically, in the past I have used booze to excess, (usually to calm fear/anxiety.). Since I didn’t know how big a problem I had with it, I just quit drinking altogether a couple of years ago).

I was reading up in the Friends/Family sec, and was almost horrified to find, I had more in common with their problematic loved one, than I did the posters there!! (I could almost HEAR my family, saying the same disparaging things about me, behind my back, it very nearly made me ill!), (again, just remove the substance references, and the instability in my life, reads very similar). I decided to stop in to Adult Children... just to check… because I have a large family with addictive issues, (almost everyone, truly.), and WOW! It was like: DING-DING-DING! We Have A Winner!! LOL!!

I'm pretty upset to "qualify"! I’m stunned, actually, it’s just sinking in. I always kinda hoped it WAS an addictive issue, because then I could stop using the *substance* and work the steps, to fix my life. Now I know it really IS just…ME!! I never wanted to admit to any, (permanent ,irreversible,) damage from my upbringing. But I can see the connection so clearly now:

Relationship problems~
Financial problems~
Inability to care for my self, protect myself, (consistently)~
Searching for rescue, healing…something…ANYTHING!

UUHHGGGGGG!

I AM SO SICK OF NOT BEING A FULLY FUNCTIONING ADULT!! (sorry to yell..).

I feel like there are pieces of me, at all different ages, scattered around inside one adult body, all striving for enough cohesion to live a sane, fulfilling, adult life, but each "piece" is terrified, that it might be called upon to perform some task, it’s not capable of accomplishing! The constant anxiety I live with is brutal and unrelenting, even in my sleep! (what little I get). It’s a wonder that I’m still sane(ish).

Utopias post about taking legal action, slammed home a few truths for me… I have a story to add to that thread, when I get my wind back. That whole thread hit me like a ton of bricks…

Isn't it amazing how we can get on these machines and touch other lives so powerfully?

I feel so fortunate, that I now have somewhere to talk truthfully about these things. I hope I can learn to live a better life, I have a three-year-old daughter who looks up to me, and I feel such an urgency to heal myself, as much as possible, for both our sakes. I would appreciate any pointers on where to start, that anyone would kindly offer.

Thank you for being here,
Flux (is finally “Home”.)

Shivaya

Flux, your post jumped out at me. I too am an ACOA, currently divorcing AH.

I am going to give you a list of My Truths, that I have learned, embraced and accepted, just in the last 2 months. I have been living with most of the ACOA traits for my entire life (I'm 41). I have been searching for answers for the past 20 years, and through the help of a Life Coach, here are My Truths:

- I love myself!
- I love myself enough to protect myself from harm
- I am intelligent
- I am loveable
- I do not let others disrespect me
- I am more than good enough
- I am A Child of God
- I Don't Have to Suffer Burdens - I hand them over to Our Heavenly Father
- I am beautiful
- I ask for help
- I don't have to "fix" everybodys problems
- I show my emotions to my children
- I do not take the punches (from myself or anyone else)
- I was put on this earth to experience true Joy
- I am normal
- I am responsible

There is so much more that I can add to this list, but I'm sleepy. So I'll post more at another time.

I just want to reiterate the fact that I have spent a lifetime acting out my ACOA behaviors, and I am stopping all of them!!! The work is not easy, it's not pretty, but it's necessary in order for me to move on and finally do the things that I was put on this earth to do. No more living on "auto pilot" and letting the joy of life pass me by.

I hope I have given you hope that you too can get through this!

Shivaya

Eleison

Welcome home!

The parts of your post I've quoted above really really resonate for me. Thank you for articulating so clearly what I too struggle with.
I want to be an adult, and do adult things. But I also want the caring and nurturance and recognition that my parents were unable to give me, because of their own struggles, and I guess, addictions.

GiveLove

This is what I do when people come home:
:ghug3

Glad you found us, fluxion. This a good community, and I hope you'll add to our collective wisdom by sharing your story some time.

Here's something I thought of: I'm half-Italian. I have a particular "look" to me that I never thought was all that attractive, but I was stuck with it. One year, in my thirties, a combination of circumstances brought me to Italy on business, to Naples. I was sitting in an espresso place, all nervous at being alone, until I started really looking at all the faces around me, and realized I was surrounded by women who looked just like me. The hair, the eyes, the facial features, the skin tone....it was like I'd landed on Planet GiveLove. I've never felt so at home.

Not sure where that story came from, but anyway, poke around here, check out the "Sticky" posts at the top some more, and enjoy the strange and wonderful feeling that you just walked into a room and everybody looks like you Isn't it sick and magical and scary how many traits we have in common as Adult Children?

Isn't it great how we can help one another that way?

Latte

GiveLove that is awesome.

I felt that way when I met my birthmother. The way I walked, talked, looked...it was an awesome feeling.

Welcome home Fluxion

Fluxion

Thanks everyone, for the warm welcome!

It is just as GoodLove said, I've come to a place where I "look" just like everyone else, finally! I have so much "catching up" to do I hardly know where to start. I have read all the 411 in the stickies, and am on to reading the threads. Every other post seems to trigger some deep emotional response, and memories have been flooding my mind.
I have never avoided the fact that my childhood was less than stellar, But I refused to let it define me as an adult. I used to joke to friends, after... say... some embarrassing error, "Please excuse me, I was raised by wolves" lol!

In reality though, that's not far from the truth. There was a definite hierarchy, and I was low wolf in the pack order, I think. Pretty much neglected unless someone needed to use me, for whatever purpose suited their needs. As a (one, there are more), result I have a hard time with self direction. I function best, as a component of someone else plan. I used to look at as being a good "Team Player" lol! But when it comes to fulfilling my own dreams and directing my own life, I don't seem to have the drive, focus and follow through I need.

At 45, I wonder if I'll ever really be ok, or will this be a handicap I'll be limping along with for the rest of my life?

I sometimes feel like I should just live like a hermit, in order to avoid causing pain and exasperation, to friends and family. Have avoided romantic relationships, not so much as a date in the last four years. I don't want to use that escape anymore. I want to find out what need to do on my own, and do it. I need this for my own self respect. I also want to teach my daughter that I am more than just a bit player in someone else life.

Just getting on with living and feeling pretty hopeful tonight...
Fluxion

Kallista

Welcome home.

Keep an eye on any addiction issues that you think you may have, though. It's not uncommon for an ACOA to develop their own addictive behaviors. I worked on ACOA issues for a few years, before I entered AA. It was only after I stopped drinking and worked a 12 step program that the work on ACOA issues really fell into place.

Good luck.

Fluxion

Thanks...
I have always suspected that I could be (become?), an alcoholic/addict, as genetically my family tree is riddled with them. I am addicted to cigarettes and coffee and I feel these addictions are hall marks of addictive personalities, no different from any other addiction really.

I have always been able to stop/control my drinking, but I have felt that dangerous "undertow" and it scared me enough to stop drinking altogether.

(Plus I feel better about myself, when I'm not indulging in, and seeming to advocate for, a substance that causes so much misery and death).

londonvanpelt

Fluxion,

I was told by an addiction specialist that because of my family history (alcoholic father and alcoholic maternal grandmother) that I could be one drink away from being an alcoholic, so I cannot drink AT ALL. I believe your inner voice was warning you of this same thing. The risk of just having one drink is too great.

I quit smoking 11 days ago. I went through a support program to quit. Both my parents smoke, so I learned from them how to cope with stress by smoking. Sometimes I feel like a child again in the program because I have to learn a new way of living because the way I was taught was unhealthy. I used to be a compulsive cleaner and now I can't seem to clean like I used to. It's very odd. After I quit smoking, I felt so free and good about myself. Quitting was an immediate raise in my self-esteem. I have replaced the smoking with biking and yoga. It feels SO good!

Now, I am working on the financial part. It's a mess right now. I have learned one thing so far....you should always pay yourself first no matter what. I never knew that. I can send you a link for a free financial course if you are interested. It has really opened my eyes.

Thank HP we ACOA's have found recovery to learn to live better lives!

London

Fluxion

london,

I started smoking when I was 11 yrs old. There were several smokers in my home. I have 14 brothers & sisters, all with mental health issues of varying severity. I am the second youngest.

I had a lot to deal with as a child, and absolutely, I learned to use smoking as an anti-anxiety med. (unlike the popular theory's of "Peer Pressure" or smoking to "Look Cool"...).

The financial piece is Coming along for me too.

One thing I found most helpful is the concept of " spending" my paycheck in advance of getting it. I just sit down each week and ""Contribute to savings", Pay bills", "Go Shopping, "... and so forth.

I "spend' my entire pay check in advance. This has greatly reduced my tendency toward "Emotional Spending". It's actually easier than I imagined to stick with it, and I feel a great amount of relief from using this method.

I would be pleased to recieve the link you mention. I need all the help I can get lol!

Fluxion

utopia

welcome to recovery fluxion. i was moved and really related to a lot of your post. here's my hope. in practicing the alanon program (i have dabbled in aa and coda but alanon has become the fellowship for me) i have rediscovered a new and strong relationship with the "god" of my own understanding. i have come to like and sometimes even love myself. im still integrating the splintered parts of my inner children and learning to let parts of myself go and other bits grow as i become a more integrated mature and responsible self who finds they do have some power - over one life - me! and im learning to turn to God for that love comfort support and fulfillment that just wasn;t there in my upbringing. keep coming back fluxion...they told me that and that i did. i found for me, recovery a gentle program and i could work it at my own pace. reading literature, getting a sponsor and doing some service work (when i was ready) helped my health fwd in leaps and bounds. its the best thing for your child to be a happy and joyous person because i know from my own choices when i was a child, for me. that children do as their parents do, not what they say. i wish you the best on your journey and you can YELL ALL YOU WANT. xxx i have found that today, i have had to surrender to what we call "God's will" in program speak, for me that means not my ego/self will and yes, to feel some hurts, some pain and wailing grief but never forget that you're not alone with your pain anymore, theres a whole world of recovery here, ready, right here right now because whatever has happened....You are still here.

And you are ready for a better life. I wish you the best. xx

guiab

Welcome Fluxion.
Your story sounds like mine. Relationships, finances, jobs.... and searching for an answer. The path to recovery begins by staying on a path to recovery. I attended a meeting last night and will attend another tonight. It can be tough to look outside oneself for answers and for recovery. Outside you and outside me there is this forum, alanon, and a really big helpful HP. You gotta believe that.

In the past I have found it more believable that my HP created the universe 14 billion years ago, made all the the stars and planets out there (with their own alanon meetings), and crafted humans from bacteria than I can believe that the same one and only HP can make changes in me that I cannot make. I don't want to resist believing anymore, nor to resist anymore the good things that my HP wants me to do and wants for me.
Keep on keepin' on posting and I'll look forward to seeing you on this forum and to your better days.
Take good care, Fluxion.

londonvanpelt

You will need a notebook and pen or I used Microsoft Word. The best part of the course was having to really think long and hard about what it was I really wanted. Here is the link..... Dove. It makes it so much easier when everything is laid out and you can really see it instead of just fumbling along in the dark.