Tiro

There seems to be so few around who really seem to understand what it is to be the Adult Child of Alcoholic parents.

I have been sitting here now for nearly an hour staring at the screen and wondering what to write, There is so many things I want to say but it still hurts so much to talk about them.

I feel very sad today. I was reading some posts on here last night and for some reason it triggered memories of my childhood. memoies of a drunk dad who called me worthless and of a battered wife mother who broke my favorite toys because she said i made too much noise with them. I cried last night. I cried. Don't ask me why. Maybe I cried because i feel alone and lonely. I am 44 years old and still not in a romantic relationship. My last attempt at love was a failure.I did not know how to let her understand why one minute i have a desperate need for affection and then the next minute I can't stand to be touched. She deserves better than I can give but I feel destinied to live my life alone.

I called my counsellor today. It's been a while, She is away on vacation. I won't talk to anyone else. My good friend J used to understand how I feel. She understood what abandonment and sexual abuse can do to a child, but she is no longer here. The closest meeting is a CODA meeting on Thursday.Folks in AA don't want to talk about their childhood issues. I don't blame them. They look at me funny if I even mention the word abuse.

I am posting this here not even knowing if people can understand what i am saying. It is a fault I have I know. I feel people dont really care or don't understand. I don't want someone to tel me everything is going to be okay, i just want to know that somebody out there understands why i struggle so hard with love and relationships..

rawdeal

Tiro - this really hit a nerve with me. My parents are alcoholics and i too have almost bi-polar tendencies when in a relationship, i am either obsessive or completely cold and often repulsed by any intimate contact. Im not here to offer advice because these are issues i too am only starting to recognise and by joining this forum, i am looking to begin overcoming them. So there you are - i am someone who understands. We should follow eachothers progress.

Best of luck:ghug

Adultchild

Hi Tiro.

A book i'm reading at the minute thats really throwing light onto my situation is called The Betrayal Bond “by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D., C.A.S.

Best wishes.

AC.

Tiro

Thanks rawdeal. It helps to hear somebody out there say they understand how it feels.

AC I am gonna google that book right now.

rawdeal

no prob. im going to google it too adultchild, thanks x

tsukiko

Trigger warning. Total Rant.

I don’t blame my past for who i am today, but I am guilty of thinking:

‘no matter what i have in life I’ll never be a person who wasn't abused; however I wrap myself up on the outside, inside will always be damaged goods.’

Maybe that makes no sense or maybe it sounds self piteous, but so-effing-be-it.

I can either say how I honestly feel and be ‘self piteious’ and an ‘attention seeker’ or I can lie and be ‘bottling it up’ and ‘too weak to face the truth’. It’s the same double standard which meant I couldn’t win as a kid. I don’t get beaten anymore but I still paint my smile on every morning and react when someone raises their hand.

No matter how well I do in life it doesn’t make my past any better and it doesn’t make me able to just ‘get over it’. You don’t have to get over a happy childhood... so why am I expected to ‘get over’ my childhood? Hate to play the victim (because I am not and I never will be again), but it’s like I had a rough deal as a kid and now as an adult, because of that, I’m expected to (not just live with the factmy parents couldn’t support or care for me, but) work my arse off somehow to make all the feelings and consequent behaviours or habits I have fit some ‘normal’ stereotype...and for who? Not for me, but because my reactions to situations or my behaviour or me being a (now clean) junkie is embarrassing or upsetting for those around me. Well I am genuinely sorry, but right now that’s life...deal with it or eff off...just like i have to. I wont apologise for behaviours I may display due to having been abused or continiously abandoned. My apology is every day i wake up and try to do things better, and if that ain't good enough for anyone then they know where the door is.

What i feel people don’t get:

You spend your entire childhood/teens developing coping mechanisms just to survive each day and then if you escape the abuse those mechanisms are expected to be easily discarded. THose mechanisms are a part of me, good or bad; they helped me to survive. Yet now I’m s’posed to dance with utter gratitude that yeah I was beaten and screwed and abandoned for over ten years straight...but as of today that’s over so I’ll just throw away all my coping mechanisms / behaviours and tomorrow I’ll be a new, different, perfectly functional and joyous human being.

I am trying. I’m clean and I take full responsibility for myself and my actions.

...but that doesn’t mean I can help jumping and recoiling sometimes when I am touched or I can just turn the flashbacks off. When I go to bed at night i don’t choose to have nightmares. I don’t choose to be unable to sleep, no matter how busy my day has been. No matter how rosy my life may be denying that my past will always be a apart of me is bullsh!t.

I don’t think most people understand I cant just ‘get over it’...If I knew how to do that I wouldn’t have started sticking needles in my arms in the first place.

Rant over.

GingerM

I both understand and care. Will everything be okay? Who knows. I guess it depends on what definition of "okay" I choose at a particular time. After years of therapy, most of the time I feel like things are okay, but then something comes along out of the blue and hits one of those hot buttons and knocks me for a loop and I'm back to wondering if I'll ever be 'okay' or if I'll only be 'mostly okay' or if I'll just be able to "pass in polite society" as 'okay'.

I struggled with love and relationships until I decided that I was going to become the crazy old cat lady and not bother with them. I kept making colossal mistakes, and when I tried to figure out what all these bad relationships had in common, the only answer I could come up with was "me". So I wrote off humanity and decided to be a social hermit. I thought I was happy, but really, I think I was mistaking "lack of hurting" for "happy". Then again, at that point in my life, I'd never had "lack of hurting" so it's easy to see where the confusion was.

I've been with my husband for nearly 12 years now. I still struggle. Everyday I thank him for being able to work through these things with me. I work each hot button as it comes up, but like an onion, each layer seems to only uncover yet another one.

The best you can do is the best you can do. I'm still striving for it, I'm human, I'm flawed, but I am not unworthy.

GiveLove

I understand too. Especially the part about needing both closeness and far-away-ness. In my case, it took me until my forties to find someone who was willing to work through that with me. And by that I don't mean, "I do what I've always done and he tolerates all of it." I mean I too had to change, soften, learn not to give in to my kneejerk fears every time. It's been a struggle my whole life, but with every passing year that I put between me and my abusive childhood, it gets less and less damaging to me. Sure, I know I was abused -- one doesn't just "get over it" just like that -- but time, therapy, and lots of inner work have softened a lot of the harsh edges. My dark and mottled past has become a sort of interesting, strange canvas that these later years of my life are painted on. It's all still there, it just doesn't hurt as much any more....most days not at all.

I have taught myself to like myself, with the help of my counselor, the people here, good books by wise people, a spiritual practice, treating my body well, taking advantage of every minute of life and never wasting it on soul-less activities, staying FAR away from toxic people, etc. etc.

Still some days I cry. Sometimes those are the most helpful days of all.

I am damaged goods. So are some of the most brilliant, kind, interesting people in the world. My parents may have taken my childhood, but they can't take the rest of my life.

Hugs to you, from one who "gets it." Be gentle with yourself.

Trying.

Yes I agree with you on all your points. I stay well clear of those that will not let you talk about what you need to talk about and I stay well clear of those that have think you should be "over it" within a certain time span, ie, when they start to feel bored with it? ...I dont think we ever go over it, but I think we can begin to put a different narative on it? and apply our rational adult thinking to it? When we can finally begin to Know that there was never anything wrong with us, only wrong was done to us...I wish you peace!

PaperDolls

Tiro: I don't have much to add but wanted to let you know I understand.

SelfSeeking

I understand. At this point I am trying to focus on my own drinking problem, and not think about my dad's, but it comes up.

My dad was a very volatile drinker while I was growing up. (He still problem drinks but either he's mellowed with age or I'm just not around to see the blowups.) He would go from being ominously silent to exploding with rage. Not physically, but he would scream and hit tables and stuff. I find now that when my fiance, who is a peaceful person, gets quiet because he's upset about something, I can't leave him alone, I talk at him or even start to yell just to provoke a reaction. While he's quiet I get absolutely panicky. I try to provoke him into yelling because it's less frightening than waiting for it to come and being surprised... even though that's not his way. He just needs a moment to himself. And even though I understand now what I'm doing, it's hard to deal with the panic in any other way.

I made the mistake once of relating to the wrong person my dad's drinking and explosive anger. I'd been living on my own, across the country even, but had just had a visit with my parents, and my dad was drinking really heavily and totally blew his top out of the blue one day. I had a lot of memories come crashing into my head all at once and a couple days later broke down in front of this friend and talked about it. She responded that men were just like that and did a whole lot of explaining why my perception was probably incorrect. I resolved not to talk about it anymore with anyone ever. Then I had another glass of wine! Lol...

Lesson being, some people are $ssholes. Or don't want to hear uncomfortable truth.

Tiro

That's it exactly. If I open my mouth I usually get told to "be grateful" or "go to an AA meeting" or "pray" or some other thing like that. It has gotten to the point where I feel the words in my throat and I open my mouth but no words come out. I have sat in therapy sessions just staring at pictures on the wall not knowing what to say. I feel I am too old for this kind of crap. I grew up in the time when therapists were regarded as "shrinks' AND THAT IF YOU NEEDED TO SEE ONE YOU WERE PROBABLY CRAZY AS HELL. As a child I was constantly reminded to suck it up and don't be a p*ssy. I can still remember the thrashing from pop because he overheard me telling a classmate that my sister was mentally challenged ( in the early 70's we called it ********) I learned that lesson well; "NEVER EVER DISCUSS FAMILY WITH STRANGERS"

Blame? No I don't blame anyone. I used to. My dad especially but I am past blaming anymore.I have to get with the times and go to meetings and go to therapy . BUt I get tired and I get weak and there are days I just don't facking feel like recovering and I just want to scream at the darkness.

I am better today. I left a message on her phone this afternoon. She has not replied to any of my emails. I know she won't call me back but I just wanted her to know that I am not angry or resentful because it didn't work out and that I wish her well. We parted so unpleasantly. It wasn't necessary. I wont call her again. It still hurts but I know this pain and I know it will go away.

Thanks to everyone who replied :ghug2

DesertEyes

Wonderful thread gang, thanx so much for such honest sharing.

Personally, I am _not_ damaged goods. I am an amazingly strong person who survived a horrible experience as a child. If some people don't "get it", too bad for them. I stick with my friends who are also incredibly strong and couragous people because they survived their own horrors.

I decided I was not going to continue to suffer from the abuse of my parents, and got myself into therapy and recovery with a vengance. Nobody protected me as a child, but today _I_ protect myself and don't let _anybody_ come even close to abusing me.

I have not had flashbacks in _years_. I had a wonderful relationship that lasted almost 20 years. Ok, so it didn't end well, but I made it thru with my recovery intact. After that I've had three relationships, the first two didn't work out, but those ladies are wonderful friends today, and they are _healthy_ friends. The third relationship is humming along just fine, a few bumps here and there but we overcame them with the help of our friends in recovery.

The Big Book of AA, on which are based most other 12 step recovery programs, has a section called the promises. Those have come to pass for me, as a result of doing for myself what my parents never did.

Mike

GiveLove

Tiro, this may seem trite on the outside (it did to me) but on the particular day that La Tee Da posted this thread, it really helped me. Some truly bad sh*t was coming down, and it was making me question myself:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...hall-pass.html

Perhaps you're just questioning yourself right now because this relationship hasn't worked out, and your heart is very sad.

Anyway.....I hope with each passing day you're able to feel stronger.

tsukiko

My brother spoke once about something he shouldn't have and Dad put him in a coma. He was ten years old, I was seven and made to watch as a warning. I thought he was dead. I can relate to what you said a lot.

I saw therapists too, was sent to a place cause there were no foster homes available and my grandma had died, and my mum and dad wouldn't take me. They locked me up, watched on cctv, literally held me to submission when I didn't do exactly as they dictated etc and I didn't know how long I'd be there. I thought I was there forever 'cause I thought the therapists had figured I was lying to them, but I wouldn't have ever told them anything. Nearest I've ever got to feeling hate wasn't ever towards my family, but them. Has made me fear therapy or talking to a 'professional' about anything even more than my dad or mum or 'the other abuser'. I'd rather be using and on the streets than in one of them places again.

I hope you're doing alright, look after y'self. And keep posting. You are not alone.


Its great that you think the way you do. I'm not saying I am damaged goods, just said that's how it can feel, y'know.

I know the childhood I had mean't I could fend for myself and I was strong in a lot of ways, but maybe sometimes, for some people that isn't possitive strength. I d'know. I guess its all about balance.

Now I'm clean, I look back and question how much of my strength is healthy, and how much of it was pure fear. Like, maybe my strength is just a smoke screen for how afraid I am, of everything, everyone, myself. Not that anyone sees or hears that. Typing something is very different from saying it outloud, huh.

I respect what you're saying though, and think this is a really interesting thread too. Thanks guys! And the fact we're all here to talk 'bout this lark takes a hell of a lot, so go us! :ghug

Adultchild

Hi rawdeal and Tiro heres some info on the Betrayal Bond by Patrick J. Carnes

A discription of the book from amazon.

Tiro

No I may not be damaged goods either but therapy will not change my life experiences, it will only make it easier for me to cope with them. Most days I am good with who I am and whaT I have receieved but every so often when life deals me a low card I cannot help feeling like maybe I am damaged goods.

I too survived a traumatic childhood and a twenty year addiction to drugs and alcohol. I was married to the same person for 11 years. I needed "fixing" and she needed somebody to "fix", that relationship turned south when she realized she couldn't "fix" me.

I know I can pretty much survive anything but I am still a work in progress.

tsukiko

Real respect Tiro. Thanks for this post too, so much of what you've said makes sense to me and makes sense of some of what I feel too. Much appreciated.

Stay strong.

Taylanon

Dear Tiro, I too am in recovery from drugs and alcohol. My parents were active during half of my childhood but eventually got sober. I still find it hard to think back to my childhood because it is still blurry. I am only four years sober as opposed to your twenty. I still can't believe sometimes that this disease got me and I almost ended up like them. They are now very sober but they will always carry that history with them even though, I can go to therapy and lots of meetings. I try to pray but I am just still so angry! I am just so thankful that I got sober before I had my kids. I feel really, really torn when I go to AA meetings. It is sometimes like I don't belong there because I identify with the sharer's children, not the person in AA. I had to take a step back and try to figure that out but I really get angry at bad parents in meetings. I think they should be home making amends with their kids. I should understand this disease more since, I became an addict and alcoholic but I really want to wring the parents necks. I am going on a tangent. I'm sorry! This is only my second post and I am having a bad day. Thanks for your post and being out there.