I don't know what to do :(
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 2
I don't know what to do :(
Hello everyone,
I'm a 20-year-old college student, living with my dad during the summer. He and his fiancee have been engaged and living together for about five years. My stepmother (I call her that, because it's easier than explaining most of the time) had an overeating problem, but after having gastric bypass surgery, it turned into a drinking problem.
I only learned about it a few months ago, when my dad told me she'd gone into a hospital to hopefully get sober. It worked for a while, but once she got back out, she kept (keeps) sneaking alcohol--cheap wine, mostly. It's gotten to the point where, if she DOESN'T have alcohol, she gets physically sick. She's been lying to my dad about her drinking, and today she left work to get drunk. I'm told this behavior is pretty normal for an alcoholic, although she doesn't do some of the other stuff I've heard about, getting violent or partying.
I'd like to ask your help. I don't need people telling me it's okay, or that their thoughts are with me (though I appreciate the sentiment). I asked my father what I could do to help, and he told me that I could help him keep alcohol away from my stepmother. That's nice, and I'm willing to do that, but I'd like to do something--something tangible, not just talking idly, saying everything will be okay or whatever--that will actually help her feel better about the situation. Has anyone else been in a situation like this? What did you do?
Thanks very much for your help.
-MLE
I'm a 20-year-old college student, living with my dad during the summer. He and his fiancee have been engaged and living together for about five years. My stepmother (I call her that, because it's easier than explaining most of the time) had an overeating problem, but after having gastric bypass surgery, it turned into a drinking problem.
I only learned about it a few months ago, when my dad told me she'd gone into a hospital to hopefully get sober. It worked for a while, but once she got back out, she kept (keeps) sneaking alcohol--cheap wine, mostly. It's gotten to the point where, if she DOESN'T have alcohol, she gets physically sick. She's been lying to my dad about her drinking, and today she left work to get drunk. I'm told this behavior is pretty normal for an alcoholic, although she doesn't do some of the other stuff I've heard about, getting violent or partying.
I'd like to ask your help. I don't need people telling me it's okay, or that their thoughts are with me (though I appreciate the sentiment). I asked my father what I could do to help, and he told me that I could help him keep alcohol away from my stepmother. That's nice, and I'm willing to do that, but I'd like to do something--something tangible, not just talking idly, saying everything will be okay or whatever--that will actually help her feel better about the situation. Has anyone else been in a situation like this? What did you do?
Thanks very much for your help.
-MLE
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
Welcome!
I am sure some others will be along shortly with pround and wonderful experience, strngth and hope to offer.
In the meantime, ya got me
First, keeping alcohol away from her is not going to do a thing.
She needs to decide to get sober.
You can start by talking to her about it and express your concern, your love and support.
You can offer her information on some 12 step programs and most of all you and your Dad could try Alanon (help for friends and family memebers of alcoholics).
Please read some of the stickies on here regarding that.
She has just switched addictions and she needs to get to the root of her issues if she is to truly live happy, joyous and free.
Good luck and keep coming back.
I am sure some others will be along shortly with pround and wonderful experience, strngth and hope to offer.
In the meantime, ya got me
First, keeping alcohol away from her is not going to do a thing.
She needs to decide to get sober.
You can start by talking to her about it and express your concern, your love and support.
You can offer her information on some 12 step programs and most of all you and your Dad could try Alanon (help for friends and family memebers of alcoholics).
Please read some of the stickies on here regarding that.
She has just switched addictions and she needs to get to the root of her issues if she is to truly live happy, joyous and free.
Good luck and keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
MLE,
You should not have been put in such a position. Your father apparently knows nothing about the disease of alcoholism, or he would know that your step-mother-person's drinking is not going to be affected by ANYTHING you do, or don't do. She has an addiction and needs to deal with it herself. Putting you in the middle is nice and convenient for him, but ridiculously unfair to you.
Your stepmother needs to get help, but first has to want help for herself. You can't do anything to hurry that up, except stay out of it. In almost every situation, people need to experience repercussions for their actions ("reach their bottom") before they'll make any sort of change for the better. If you and your father think she'd be open to it, sitting down with her and expressing your concerns is a good first step -- sometimes, the enemy is the 500-pound gorilla in the room that nobody's talking about. Getting your feelings and your boundaries out in the clear, in words or in writing, is always a good idea. Even if she doesn't react well, at least you're not pretending ignorance of what she's doing.
Read the stickies on the Friends & Family of Alcoholics forum, if you can, and educate yourself on the dance of alcoholism in families. It's a real eye-opener.
If you want to support your father in educating himself, finding him resources like dates/times/locations of local Al-Anon meetings (you could go too), the book Getting Them Sober, and other things suggested on the Friends & Family board can be really helpful. My A sister's husband and I supported each other in educating ourselves as much as possible so we'd be ready for anything and so we'd be careful not to enable her.
But in no way should you place yourself in the role of watchdog over your stepmother's drinking. Step away from that situation today, now. It's 100% unhelpful to her and to your dad, and downright damaging to yourself.
Take care of yourself -- although it's obvious you care and you want some kind of strategy or plan for making things better, your life truly is the only one you can control, and this kind of situation has the potential for really messing with your mind.
You should not have been put in such a position. Your father apparently knows nothing about the disease of alcoholism, or he would know that your step-mother-person's drinking is not going to be affected by ANYTHING you do, or don't do. She has an addiction and needs to deal with it herself. Putting you in the middle is nice and convenient for him, but ridiculously unfair to you.
Your stepmother needs to get help, but first has to want help for herself. You can't do anything to hurry that up, except stay out of it. In almost every situation, people need to experience repercussions for their actions ("reach their bottom") before they'll make any sort of change for the better. If you and your father think she'd be open to it, sitting down with her and expressing your concerns is a good first step -- sometimes, the enemy is the 500-pound gorilla in the room that nobody's talking about. Getting your feelings and your boundaries out in the clear, in words or in writing, is always a good idea. Even if she doesn't react well, at least you're not pretending ignorance of what she's doing.
Read the stickies on the Friends & Family of Alcoholics forum, if you can, and educate yourself on the dance of alcoholism in families. It's a real eye-opener.
If you want to support your father in educating himself, finding him resources like dates/times/locations of local Al-Anon meetings (you could go too), the book Getting Them Sober, and other things suggested on the Friends & Family board can be really helpful. My A sister's husband and I supported each other in educating ourselves as much as possible so we'd be ready for anything and so we'd be careful not to enable her.
But in no way should you place yourself in the role of watchdog over your stepmother's drinking. Step away from that situation today, now. It's 100% unhelpful to her and to your dad, and downright damaging to yourself.
Take care of yourself -- although it's obvious you care and you want some kind of strategy or plan for making things better, your life truly is the only one you can control, and this kind of situation has the potential for really messing with your mind.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 2
GiveLove, thanks for the advice, but that's not exactly what I was talking about...
My dad didn't ask me to help him--I asked. And I think what he meant by "keeping alcohol away from her" is, telling him if I found some in the house. Which is certainly in my power to do.
As for what I want to do for my stepmom... obviously, if I could give her a magic pill that would make her addiction go away, that would be wonderful. I know that's not going to happen. What I want is to give her something that will make her feel better about herself, something that has nothing to do with her addiction. I want to help HER, not just hinder her addiction.
I've been in slightly similar situations before--my sister has been a cutter, and in college I was roommates with a girl--a friend of mine--who had borderline personality disorder and was suicidal. I know how to keep myself from being sucked in. I just want to make her happy.
Thanks, everyone, for your support.
-MLE
My dad didn't ask me to help him--I asked. And I think what he meant by "keeping alcohol away from her" is, telling him if I found some in the house. Which is certainly in my power to do.
As for what I want to do for my stepmom... obviously, if I could give her a magic pill that would make her addiction go away, that would be wonderful. I know that's not going to happen. What I want is to give her something that will make her feel better about herself, something that has nothing to do with her addiction. I want to help HER, not just hinder her addiction.
I've been in slightly similar situations before--my sister has been a cutter, and in college I was roommates with a girl--a friend of mine--who had borderline personality disorder and was suicidal. I know how to keep myself from being sucked in. I just want to make her happy.
Thanks, everyone, for your support.
-MLE
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I see where your head is with this now, MLE.
But it seems from what you've told us that your stepmom has deep-seated problems and needs the help of a trained therapist. You are not powerful enough to crack the code of someone's self-esteem issues just by saying or doing the right things.....none of us is powerful enough, though we all wish we were.
Is she in any kind of regular counseling or therapy for her self-esteem issues? Would she ever be open to that kind of thing? Many of us here on this board have found great relief that way (adult children of alcoholics almost all carry the cross of lousy self-esteem until we get help)
But it seems from what you've told us that your stepmom has deep-seated problems and needs the help of a trained therapist. You are not powerful enough to crack the code of someone's self-esteem issues just by saying or doing the right things.....none of us is powerful enough, though we all wish we were.
Is she in any kind of regular counseling or therapy for her self-esteem issues? Would she ever be open to that kind of thing? Many of us here on this board have found great relief that way (adult children of alcoholics almost all carry the cross of lousy self-esteem until we get help)
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
I can't think of anything else to add to what GiveLove has said, but sometimes it helps to know you're being heard. I do hear you. If I think of anything more than "yeah, what she said", I'll post it here.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
MLE,
On finding the alcohol, it does not work. I used to look for bottles. The more I found, the more there were. Then they started winding up in places I would normally never look, as he got better at hiding them. At any time, there could be 3-4 bottles of booze in my house and I have no idea where they are. He never has just one bottle, he has several. It's like a game to him. That's why people are telling you it won't work. In fact, if anything, it could keep her so consumed with hiding it, that she's not paying attention to WHY you want her to quit. And you could spend so much time hunting for it. It's just not worth it. It just won't work.
On finding the alcohol, it does not work. I used to look for bottles. The more I found, the more there were. Then they started winding up in places I would normally never look, as he got better at hiding them. At any time, there could be 3-4 bottles of booze in my house and I have no idea where they are. He never has just one bottle, he has several. It's like a game to him. That's why people are telling you it won't work. In fact, if anything, it could keep her so consumed with hiding it, that she's not paying attention to WHY you want her to quit. And you could spend so much time hunting for it. It's just not worth it. It just won't work.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
