hippyhippy

I don't know what is happening to me. My mood has plummeted right down really badly. I have been rapidly cycling/mixed for ages, but this is really getting a grip of me.
My meds have not been changed as such, but I have to take them all at night instead of morning and night as I kept on forgetting the morning dose, but never the night time one. It is only day 4 of this regime and I don't know if it has anything to do with that or not or if my mood is just a progression from where I have been of late. I also don't know if it is a catch up from my stint of trying to come off them or all the times I kept on forgetting them.

I have been self injuring to the point of obsessive. I have had to hide my arms and legs from my husband (who would go absolutely mad) I look like a chequers board. I am feeling so hemmed in by life and frequently my thoughts are turning to suicide. I can't talk to my husband about any of this and I am trying to maintain a 'normal' front and the only thing he knows about it is that I am escaping to my bed as early as I can possibly get away with. Sometimes even before the children are in their bed, leaving him to put them to bed himself. Sometimes I am escaping, just so I can self injure more.

I had a stressful weekend, but I got through it and I should be proud of myself, but I am not. I have stressors coming up and I don't think I can cope, mainly to do with my husband.

I have lost faith in getting better, the people who help me and I am scared of where this mood is taking me. I just want to run away and I feel dangerously close to this, which has been my way of coping before, to run away and sleep in the car. I know this isn't the smartest thing to do, but I feel so pressed. I feel if I stay here, then I will do something really stupid, but I know that sleeping in lay bys is not the most sensible thing too.

I don't know what I am looking for here. Advice, friendship, anything?

Hippy

nandm

(((((((((Hippy)))))))))

I am sorry you are struggling so much right now.

Although I don't cut I do have similiar defense mechanisms. When I am faced with pain, emotional primarily, I find myself digging my fingernails into my arms. At my nephews funeral many years ago was the first time I realized I did this and I had dug them to the point of drawing blood and scarring. Under minor stress I will grip my hands until my fingers are numb and white. So not exact same thing but somewhat similar.

I too recently had a couple of months where I cycled rapidly and drastically but mostly the bottom was where I seemed to spend the majority of my time. It was frightening, discouraging, and frustrating. I began to wonder if there was any hope left and why I was continuing this fight. In retrospect now that I have gotten a few weeks past it I can see that giving up is something I am thankful I did not do as life once again is good and I am thankful that I did not give up hope.

My cycling was due to my brillant thinking that I could just reduce my antidepressant medication on my own. After one month my head went south. I am thankful that I finally realized what was going on and although it took a while for the meds to stabilize once again I am better today. I was quite surprised that I wound up cycling even though it was my antidepressant I changed not the mood stabilizer but I guess it goes to show that we walk a fine balance with our meds and changing one can affect how the others are working for us.

It might be worth talking to your doctor about what is going on. He may feel that an increase or med change is indicated. Sometimes our bodies can grow accustomed to the meds to the point that a change is the only way to get the body to respond correctly to them again especially after we have been on them a while. It would be worth giving a try.

Please don't give up. We are all here with you and you are welcome to vent your feelings to us anytime.:ghug

adore79

Hi hippy,

I am an ex-cutter and a current alcoholic, and all i have to say is, GET TO THERPAPY!!! If you dont have it, get it!! AA can help with the alcoholism, but therapy is needed as well. Thinking of you hun. <3

Live

Oh, hippy, sweetheart, a world of hugs to you!

Look, you owe it to me to keep yourself safe until you send me that postcard! LOL

I have to laugh about it myself as I have been in the state of mind so much myself since October when I went inpatient for obsessive suicidal ideation that I have begged to be let go and allowed to rest...permanently.

My form of self injury is one thread I see we all have in common here and it is oh so effective...and that is messing with our meds. I keep doing it and throwing myself from one crisis state to another. Am in a serious one now. Straighten out one side, then screw around with the other....and set myself up for the next one.

Here is what I do know. My son did commit suicide when he was 20. All his survivors are harmed badly and scarred permanently. So. I owe it to my family not to damage them with what is to them such a tragedy, no matter what I think about it for my own self in my own head. I get mad and resentful about that responsibility at times.

So, I guess the two of us, if not 3? must admit we are high risk. And no one understands it if they have not experienced it. Only we who live with it discuss it openly and that, personally, is such a relief to me.

While I was in patient, me and another girl laughed ourselves silly joking about our suicides. But I can be relied upon that if the risk grows too great I will go to the ER.

So, they just adjusted my meds in October...mostly a great combo...and here I am all ready again falling off the wagon by not taking them properly....and putting myself at risk, which I get damned tired of. I spent all night last night up reading the step work in substance abuse, which I am guilty of because I keep quit taking meds I need, not taking them as prescribed, taking more of this, less of that. I found nothing but shining hope there. How inspiring!

I am reminded that I must distribute my meds back into the daily 4 x day reminder box and must do that with the whole months worth to ever get better and since I am stuck here with that responsibility to keep myself alive at the least, well it would be nice if I could like it. I used to tell myself that when all else failed I could run off and join the circus. And I do know that life changes. If I follow thro' with taking care of myself I can be happy and not understand how I really wanted to die. And those times are worth it, I do have more adventures ahead. I don't know why it is so easy to forget that. I should have learned better along time ago to stop messing with my meds, but it is really hard work for me to stay vigilant and that is what I was learning about with working the steps guide last night. I have to learn to put my wellness first, to make it a priority and work on it every day. It is when I feel well that I get in trouble, I forget to take the meds right. I forget that reminder box. I start scrimping so I can spend my money on things I am enjoying. Boom. Total relapse. Or I feel bad and I get used to it. And I wait until I am in real trouble to see Dr and say you know I really haven't been well and to admit how badly I neglect and damage myself.

I mean I am really stupid, I preach to the choir to my family all the time trying to get them to understand that my problems are chemical not will power that I have illnesses when I can't even remember it myself by taking care of myself chemically. Good grief it was only by reading your post that I was reminded to take the anti-d's which I just pulled myself out of the suicidal thinking with only to forget them again a few days after I quit wanting to kill myself.

So what can we do to help you? Are you commited or promised or contracted not to suicide? Will sleeping in the car keep you from self injuring? What prevents you from seeing a Dr or going to the hospital? Let's talk it out, k?

What about that Buddhist Retreat? Did you get to do that? What are your ways of coping, of keeping yourself safe, what has helped you in the past to stop or limit your self-injuring? Let's find a way for you to be safe first and foremost and to try to stop blatant destructiveness?

I can lose myself here in computer land. I can distract myself reading books like crazy when I am not too bad off. I can take a nap. Sounds to me like going to bed early beats harming your arms and legs and having to hide.

Do you have anyone you can talk to?

hippyhippy

thank you all,

I have been messing with my meds and am trying to get back on to the straight and narrow. I think I have been guilty of mental self harm for a long time, but the physical is fairly new for me. Actually, thats not true, cutting is fairly new. I have often done other stuff.
Live, I cannot begin to imagine how you must have felt, how you still must feel losing your son in such tragic circumstnaces. You will see in my other post my parents lost a son too, at 19. Not to suicide, but to a tragic accident. It beggars belief, the world doesn't make sense. My heart is truelly with you in this matter. (((((live))))

My bhuddist retreat....? I lost confidence to go. I want to, but am too scared to go.

What prevents me from seeing a doctor? I am seeing one next week, he will just say "give the meds time to work" because I haven't been taking them regularly. What stops me from self harming? I don't know as cutting is a new thing to me and I find it such a relief, but I feel so disgusted with myself after it.
Hospital? The hospital I could go to here is not a nice place. When I was in there last, I felt more suicidal than when I had gone in. It truelly was an awful experience.....like old fashioned mental asylums. Four to a ward, windows that didn't close and were stuffed with towels to keep the cold out, 2 sinks and one shower between about 20 patients (locked...you needed staff member to get shower), staff who hid away in staffroom and didn't communicate with patients except at meal times and medication times.

I have people I could talk to....but I don't want to. I just carry on pretending I am ok. I did however speak to art therapist this morning and that helped a bit. Coming on here helps too.

A lot of it is because there is a wedge between me and my husband just now so I can't reach out to him, or I won't. He doesn't want to hear about me being ill as he fears it is just me trying to get in the way of him having a solitary holiday....which it is not. If anything, I am trying hard to battle this thing so that he doesn't see how much I am struggling.


Hippy

Live

hippy, thank you for sharing. I can identify with everything you said. And, for me also, I cannot complain about my meds, when it is me not taking them properly, because they do work. I do not cut myself, never have...but not too long ago, my hubs did put a gash across the inside of his elbow and tried to hide it from me. I do such things as not eating etc, gross neglect, smoking cigarettes and if really, really hurt sometimes, rarely I go on a big drunk to knock out pain, and that is something I cannot afford to do to myself again. I did it the night I saw the gash in hubs arm. So, I can certainly understand you hiding it as my hubs did. I hid my drunken state from him, asked him to leave for the night so that I would not say mean things to him. My most dreaded question is what did you eat today. I really try to hide that. I put a healthy plate together for hubs, but have not eaten today. He just asked me to please eat something today.

OMG, your hospital!!!!!! Ours are wonderful, but still I do not want to ever go inpatient again. I DO NOT WANT TO BE LOCKED UP! And the cost of a 5-7 day stay is enough for me and hubs to go live in Argentina for 6-9 months. For the first 3 days I am grateful, but very demanding, I expect my hubs to come stay with me every minute. And then I just want out, free...to smoke as many cigarettes as I want, to be amongst my own things, in my own home. rolls eyes.

Oh, I surely do know how these things can strain our relationships with husbands or signicant others. We both got too sick at the same time and he almost divorced me without wanting to or understanding why, but he sure wasn't nice. But then I was spiralling out of control and was not nice either, I probably pushed him to breaking point. Yeah, I did. But as he has similar diagnoses, he is the only person I am really comfortable with in person and we are very understanding, compassionate and close because of our shared experiences. You and your hubs have been married along time, but evenso we can still become strangers to each other.

I, too, get to where I do not talk to anyone.
But, eventually, I will come back around to SR as it is such a lifeline that helps me and I cherish each friend and consider you a great friend.

As I have posted this, I have eaten a good size portion of brown rice baked in cream of celery, cream of chicken soup and milk. I did not eat any of the chicken. But drank some apple juice. I will have some mandarin oranges later when I am wanting something sweet and snacky. I love yogurts and am prone to live on them at rough times.

They say we are sick as our secrets, so as you are revealing yours, I will meet with you and reveal mine. I do believe, with support, all of us can work thro' our things together.
I do not care that you keep your name safe. That is a smart thing to do. I know my husband respects my privacy. He knows this is my therapy site and would never snoop on me. I know of no one else who would go to the effort to try to find things out about me. They won't look up my illness in 20 years, so I just don't think they are going to come looking for me. My husband does get paranoid as a bad side effects of meds, which we have now had changed. And I will now take mine, better late than not at all.

love and hugs,
live

TiredMama

(((((((((((HIP)))))))))))

I used to be a cutter. I can sympathize with you dear. I do know that once when I messed with my meds the cutting was at it worst. That was also when I was abusing benzos and opiates as well.

Please keep posting and hang in there love. I am sorry I don't have much to say

HUGS to you again dear.

--Christina:ghug2

hippyhippy

Hi,

Live and Mama, thank you so much for your replies :ghug

Live, it must be difficult for you if you and hubby are ill at the same time. My hubby is a good man but very silent. He is one of those 'strong silent types' which is all good and well but I need a bit of feeling, a bit of closeness that we don't have. However, he is very supportive and I have just spoken to him today about declaring to the licensing peeps about my BP, which could possibly result in a loss of my driving license....he is just "ok...you need to do what you do" even though it could mean loss of my job too.

I had group therapy today and now feel rather sad. I often am afterwards so that is ok, but I worry about my place in this coming to an end. Everything here in Uk is about funding and whether the govt will continue for you to receive treatment. It is the one place in a week where I talk to people about what is going on for me. I fear the inevitable end as it will be such a wrench and no one will understand why.

I am so glad you have eaten Live. We need food for our brains too. When I am anxiously ill, I stop eating and the depression hits really hard. You need to take care care of yourself but I know how hard that is if you feel bad.

You say we are as sick as our secrets? I am meeting with someone today to possibly do just that. Unravel my past and figure how it got me to here. We can but see eh?

Mama, you have a tiny baby on your hands and another little un if I remember rightly? So busy, but you come in here and post, thank you
I am going to try to get the cutting before it becomes a compulsion. I went out and bought a load of stuff to make it easier for me, but I am going to throw them out. I have managed 36 years without doing it....I can manage another 36 eh? Thank you for caring.

Love to you both
Hippy

TiredMama

((((HIP))))

How are you doing today love?

Live

Crikey! LOL

Hubs had a major meltdown today, PTSD, worst panic attack he has ever had, maybe some flashbacks too, I dunno. His son just went back to prison this morning for crack addiction. He lost his mother and is still grieving. And well, the rest is his business.

Thankfully (WTF) I have experience with those and can help.

So glad you threw those things away!

Unraveling things? That is very courageous of you!
I think I put things back together with duct tape. roll eyes!

Still on the daily basic care here, thank you!

hugs,
live

hippyhippy

Oh Live...poor hubs, poor you. It sounds really tough. Do you think you make each other stronger by coming together with your different pain?

Well, I went to 'unravel' my stuff and my mind is a mess. It all feels so wrong to be talking about the stuff that I am talking about. We kind of finished on a strange note and I am all kind of peculiar now. I see him again in a week.

However, taken meds and going to bed soon. Hubby on a overnight shift at work....so bed to myself! I quite like that! (no snoring!)

Hippy

Live

Yes, we do strengthen each other. We have true understanding of each other's experiences. We are compassionate, close and give each other all the space and time they need. On our better days...which is most of them.

I hate that unraveling stuff! Shudder! Is it ever done with? I keep having reviews.


sweet dreams!!

Live

This sounds awful......I didn't have the panic attack, it wasn't rough on me at all. Daily business on the crazy ward. Oh, I am at home LMAO

hippyhippy

Love your light heart Live. You come across to me as a peaceful person. Maybe it is your avater, in which you look quite tranquil.
Hippy

Live

LOL..had to read that one to hubs, as we recall it I was boiling mad and trying to look haughty. We were in Tarpon Springs, a Greek village in Florida, where they dive for Sponges, on a Festivals day, around this time of year,.......and I am so tired of waiting on him to be ready to go. We are still dating, so I am just being snotty. And he is snapping photos of me while I am mad, how dare you!

But. Thank you. I am kind of light hearted when I am feeling ME. I can't remember long enough to keep the same trouble!

hippyhippy

LOL....I find it funny that I think you look tranquil when in reality you say you are being haughty! And they say the camera never lies? What do they know eh?

Hippy