hippyhippy

Title says it all really. I have been reducing my mood stabilisers and anti psychotics over the past week. I have reduced them by a 1/3. I kind of want to try and prove that I am BP or not. I know this seems silly but I just can't get it, I really can't. I can't see how I am BP. I have felt no ill effects of reducing them and my plan is to start reducing the anti d's to alternate nights, then every third. I am so full of chemicals and there might be no reason for it.

I know this sounds strange, but I really believe that I am master of all that has happened to me. I believe that all the stupid things I have done, the decisions I have made, I have known full well what I was doing. I have behaved appallingly but I was making decisions all the time. Don't ask me why....I am not saying I haven't been a bit disturbed at the time or something....but I just don't think I am BP. (I know I am getting to be a broken record on this one) I tell this to the doc and my mental health nurse and therapist and they all just nod placatingly (the pdoc doesn't....he insists I am) I think the therapist and nurse agree with me but they can't say as that would be unprofessional. It all just seems hinged on so little evidence. I must have gotten the quickest diagnoses of anyone in the world.

The thing is, I don't really think I am completely mentally well, in fact, I am pretty sure I am not, or I wouldn't have done the things that I have done (and oh boy have I done some stupid things), but needing mood stabilsers, anti depressants and anti psychotics just seems a step too far. As for anti d's. They never really did anything for me except make me sleep (which is quite nice to be honest) The mood stabilisers and anti psychotics I don't think have helped me....It was ME who helped me....I decided to stop doing all the sh**e stuff. I think I could get even better if I really tried but something is stopping me.

Anyone done similar? Anyone get what I am going on about? I know if I told hubby he would pretty much go apes**t. Aside from all of this (possibly what started all this off) I think my Mental Health Team are laughing at me. I am pretty paranoid about this and when I see one I am thinking "what you been saying to him/her?"

I don't have a problem as such with being BP.....if I AM! But if I was diagnosed with Asthma and I thought they were wrong it would be the same thing.

Hippy

pedagogue

You should talk with your prescriber about any ideas of changing medications. Often times there is a delicate balance with meds, and deciding to change it without supervision can be really problematic. Just my 2 cents.

TiredMama

I actually tried this a while back and it made me suicidal. Sorry if that scared or worried you but that was my experience because I didn't want to believe it, nor did I think anything was wrong with me. I did this under no medical supervision either.

Freedom1990

I had first hand experience in having to work with my ex-boss's wife, who was BP, and infamous for going off of her meds. She had been diagnosed with a thorough psychiatric evaluation.

I lost count of the times she quit taking her meds, and it was nothing short of frightening to see the behavioral changes in her, and quite embarrassing ones when working with the public.

She ended up hospitalized more than once to get her stabilized again.

Personally I would never mess with decreasing or discontinuing psychiatric meds without the proper medical advice, but that's just me

hippyhippy

Oh, I know it all makes sense, but I don't really feel very sensible. I know I shouldn't stop my meds. I think I am just on self destruct. I just kind of feel rebellious and throwing caution to the wind. If someone else was in the same situation, I would be saying "That is not a sensible thing to be doing, please reconsider" but I just feel so fed up with the whole crap of it. I am aware my actions of late are not the cleverist, but I am just so locked in my path forward.

I spoke to a friend today and I told her that it is almost like I 'want' to feel bad. I want to give the two fingered salute to the whole lot of them, docs, therapists, psychologists but I can't cos I feel so F dependent on them. I am such a flippin weirdo, honest to gawd.

I really do think I 'created' my BP, moved my pdoc in a particular direction, told him what I knew he needed to hear. While some of it was real, some of it wasn't, some of it was exaggerated, either consciously or unconsciously as a result of my anxiety. I know I have been ill, I know that without a doubt and I know that I still am but I don't know what with. If there is an illness that turns you into an a**e then that is what I have. At the very beginning of this, before diagnoses, I was convinced I had BP, it seemed to fit me exactly. Now I have done a massive U turn. I think I have really screwed up not always being 100% straight. That is why I need to do this without Pdoc advice. How can I tell him that I maybe made out I was feeling worse than I was cos I was terrified of being abandoned by the Mental Health Team? How can I say that on a couple of times that I said I felt suicidal, I knew I wasn't going to do anything....I just wanted to stop feeling so bad? I was so scared that they wouldn't take me seriously, that they would abandon me, that I shouted a bit louder than I needed to.

Sorry to go on. I am not sure where I am going with this one. I don't really have anyone to tell as no one would approve. I am sure readers here don't approve either. Told you I was a weirdo.

Hippy

historyteach

(((Hippy)))
You're *not* weird! So, stop that right now, got it!
You're questioning, and probably a bit scared too, right? Worried about a life time of this, no?

Well, you asked how can you tell your doc the truth that you just told us. I have an idea. Print out the post, and give it to them, or mail it to them in advance of seeing them. And have a list of questions ready to ask, printed out on a paper, so you won't forget. Don't trust your memory; if it's anything like mine, you'll forget everything cuz you'll be nervous.

But, your doc is there to help. And, you *should* be in a partnership with your doc. If you're not; if the doc won't give you support for your questions and your thoughts on this, perhaps it's time to find a better doc. It's *your* health.

Now, you're husband is another matter!

Shalom!

shutterbug

keep us posted. i agree with Teach....pushing the print button is one easy way to tell your doc what's on your mind. i am worried about you, but i know you feel you have to do this...just be as careful as you possibly can and keep an emergency number handy.

love and hugs,
Jenna

barb dwyer

yep - I'm with Teach.

print and present. DO that first.

hippyhippy

Ok,
as of today I am starting to take them again. I have had a good sleep and realise I am being a bit silly about this. I have my daughters birthday coming up and it would be good if I was here rather than in hospital, which is where I may well have ended up.
I do this all the time, think I am not BP. I don't normally stop taking my meds though. I think to be honest, it is actually probably even more of an indicator of a mood disorder!
I have spoken to Pdoc several times about my diagnoses, but he is no doubt. I think it is just cos I feel guilty about not getting better, not completely anyway.
Thanks for listening to me.
Hippy

barb dwyer

*whew*

pedagogue

Think of it like a diabetic that has to take insulin.....it is something you need to do for medical reasons.