Just wanna cry
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 170
Just wanna cry
I woke up this morning and just wanna cry. My life is a mess. I have no money, I'm living with an alcoholic who spends most of her days lately in bed sick. I'm trying to save money so i can move interstate to live with my girlfriend but I don't have any savings.
I take my meds daily, i see a psychologist every week for cbt (i see her today). I see my psychiatrist monthly to monitor my meds (i see her tomorrow).
I had to pawn my laptop to pay for my suboxone yesterday, so next pay I'm barely gonna have enough money to book a flight (I'm meant to leave on 14th Feb)
My girlfriend said she is ready and able to deal with my bi-polar and anxiety but i have my doubts. She's a nurse so does have some insight, but some of the phone calls we have I end up hanging up because it feels she doesn't get what I'm saying.
I'm taking a huge risk in moving up there with her, but I love her soo much. Or maybe I'm just confused and don't really know what I want.
Sometimes, I wish I just wouldn't wake up. You know when Heath Ledger died? My first thought was "why is he allowed to but I'm not". I've taken massive overdoses and should be dead. Obviously God has plans for me but I wish he'd tell me what they were because I seem to be just drifting from place to place. I haven't had a stable a stable home since my divorce in 05.
I'll continue doing what I'm doing. We all have ups and downs. Maybe this is just a down day for me.
I take my meds daily, i see a psychologist every week for cbt (i see her today). I see my psychiatrist monthly to monitor my meds (i see her tomorrow).
I had to pawn my laptop to pay for my suboxone yesterday, so next pay I'm barely gonna have enough money to book a flight (I'm meant to leave on 14th Feb)
My girlfriend said she is ready and able to deal with my bi-polar and anxiety but i have my doubts. She's a nurse so does have some insight, but some of the phone calls we have I end up hanging up because it feels she doesn't get what I'm saying.
I'm taking a huge risk in moving up there with her, but I love her soo much. Or maybe I'm just confused and don't really know what I want.
Sometimes, I wish I just wouldn't wake up. You know when Heath Ledger died? My first thought was "why is he allowed to but I'm not". I've taken massive overdoses and should be dead. Obviously God has plans for me but I wish he'd tell me what they were because I seem to be just drifting from place to place. I haven't had a stable a stable home since my divorce in 05.
I'll continue doing what I'm doing. We all have ups and downs. Maybe this is just a down day for me.
To Life!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
tw33k;
You are doing all the right things, going to counseling and the pdoc.
Continue on that track, and doing good things for yourself physically, emotionally and spiritually too. Tell your counselor and pdoc how it's going.
And continue to let us know. We care.
Shalom!
You are doing all the right things, going to counseling and the pdoc.
Continue on that track, and doing good things for yourself physically, emotionally and spiritually too. Tell your counselor and pdoc how it's going.
And continue to let us know. We care.
Shalom!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 170
I continue my path of misery. My housemate is a nightmare to live with. She does nothing in terms of housework unless i initiate things. She lies constantly about the most silly things; i think she is just a compulsive liar.
Not long now til i fly out of state to move in with my girlfriend and I think my housemate is jealous.
The old me would take advantage of the situation and scam her for everything she has, however I have chnged my life and cn no longer do that.
It's 8 minutes til 1 in the morning and we're drinkg beer and listening to Lou Reed's 'Heroin'.
F#$k I'm a bad addict. And have been for many years. I had a lot of clean time up and know i can do it again. I just need help.
Tomorrow we're ringing to find the nearest GROW groups, SMART recovery and NA meetings.
I have to keep occupied. The suboxone has the heroin addiction well ubder control, but my mental health in general, is all over the place.
I take my meds everyday, and feel better for it but sometimes i wish i was dead. I don't wanna kill myself (tried that too many times; God won't let me die),
Anyone feel the same? If so, let's chat because I need someone to relate to.
Psychiatrists and psychologists are all well and good but I need to speak to people who have actually been where I've been so we can help eah other get thru it.
Not long now til i fly out of state to move in with my girlfriend and I think my housemate is jealous.
The old me would take advantage of the situation and scam her for everything she has, however I have chnged my life and cn no longer do that.
It's 8 minutes til 1 in the morning and we're drinkg beer and listening to Lou Reed's 'Heroin'.
F#$k I'm a bad addict. And have been for many years. I had a lot of clean time up and know i can do it again. I just need help.
Tomorrow we're ringing to find the nearest GROW groups, SMART recovery and NA meetings.
I have to keep occupied. The suboxone has the heroin addiction well ubder control, but my mental health in general, is all over the place.
I take my meds everyday, and feel better for it but sometimes i wish i was dead. I don't wanna kill myself (tried that too many times; God won't let me die),
Anyone feel the same? If so, let's chat because I need someone to relate to.
Psychiatrists and psychologists are all well and good but I need to speak to people who have actually been where I've been so we can help eah other get thru it.
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
Hi Tweek, I admire your honesty, but had thought the "Tw33k" was representive of your manias....hadn't realized there was a heroin addiction there. I have to be honest and tell you that some of the things in your last post don't sit well with me, but I am still very sorry for the pain and difficulties you are going thru right now.
Seems i remember that not too long ago you were really manic? My memory sucks these days tho so i could be wrong, but if so then this down time is a natural swing of the bipolar. It tells me that your meds are not right yet - that your mood stabalizer isn't quite right yet because your moods are obviously not stable.
This needs to be addressed with your pdoc at your next med visit.
From your post it seems that you are still using right now.
Is that right?
Does your girlfriend know that?
If you're not currently using then does she at least know about the addiction?
Basically, you need to keep working to get your mood stabalizer right and you need to keep reminding yourself that this down time is only temporary and is just a result of the highs. We are bipolars and therefore we will always swing back up eventually so it's just a matter of time and you just have to hang on until then. I know it sucks....believe me that i know how much is sucks. That is why i spend a lot of time writting about my thoughts feelings here at SR....to get them out of my head and to also get as much support as i can.
Also...you can't expect your biological down swing to change when you fly out and have simply changed your geography. It will seem better for a little bit b/c you will be with your girlfriend and your body will be producing natural endorphines then. BUT you will still be in a bipolar down episode (unless of course you have naturally come out of it by then). Soooooooo......what I'm saying is --- don't expect a miracle from the move. And don't expect your girlfriend to be the key to all your happiness and expect that you will STILL be miserable...only it will probably feel worse at times because it will end up being much like now with disliking your housemate....only then it will be your girlfriend and there will be emotions involved then, which will feel worse. Make sense?
I'm not trying to be a kill-joy or burst your bubble or anything....i just want you to understand going into it that there are some things to be prepared for.
-----------------------
Now, on a different topic....this touched a HUGE nerve with me:
Can u please tell me how a person (especially a person who appears to believe in God) can ever be that way in the first place? I'm completely baffled by how anyone can do that (unless they are a psychopath or sociopath and then i guess i at least understand it b/c they have no feelings about anything).
This would have always struck a curiosity cord with me. But especially now since I recently had my bank account emptied and my car stolen by a cocaine addict who says he loves me and still wants to be with me (and who's cell phone message says, "....God bless and be good to yourself'). He had even said he wanted to marry me!!
Please, PLEASE explain to me how people can be that way!!
Jenna
Seems i remember that not too long ago you were really manic? My memory sucks these days tho so i could be wrong, but if so then this down time is a natural swing of the bipolar. It tells me that your meds are not right yet - that your mood stabalizer isn't quite right yet because your moods are obviously not stable.
This needs to be addressed with your pdoc at your next med visit.
From your post it seems that you are still using right now.
Is that right?
Does your girlfriend know that?
If you're not currently using then does she at least know about the addiction?
Basically, you need to keep working to get your mood stabalizer right and you need to keep reminding yourself that this down time is only temporary and is just a result of the highs. We are bipolars and therefore we will always swing back up eventually so it's just a matter of time and you just have to hang on until then. I know it sucks....believe me that i know how much is sucks. That is why i spend a lot of time writting about my thoughts feelings here at SR....to get them out of my head and to also get as much support as i can.
Also...you can't expect your biological down swing to change when you fly out and have simply changed your geography. It will seem better for a little bit b/c you will be with your girlfriend and your body will be producing natural endorphines then. BUT you will still be in a bipolar down episode (unless of course you have naturally come out of it by then). Soooooooo......what I'm saying is --- don't expect a miracle from the move. And don't expect your girlfriend to be the key to all your happiness and expect that you will STILL be miserable...only it will probably feel worse at times because it will end up being much like now with disliking your housemate....only then it will be your girlfriend and there will be emotions involved then, which will feel worse. Make sense?
I'm not trying to be a kill-joy or burst your bubble or anything....i just want you to understand going into it that there are some things to be prepared for.
-----------------------
Now, on a different topic....this touched a HUGE nerve with me:
The old me would take advantage of the situation and scam her for everything she has, however i have chnged my life and cn no longer do that.
This would have always struck a curiosity cord with me. But especially now since I recently had my bank account emptied and my car stolen by a cocaine addict who says he loves me and still wants to be with me (and who's cell phone message says, "....God bless and be good to yourself'). He had even said he wanted to marry me!!
Please, PLEASE explain to me how people can be that way!!
Jenna
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 170
I've been up and down for a while now and the main reason for that is because i haven't had a stable place to live since 2005. I've in and out of hospital, in refuges, hostels etc. I feel my bi-polar is under control but my anxiety levels are thru the roof.
The only thing i'm currently using is alcohol (which i'm trying real hard to cut down on)
I'm not expecting a miracle from the move interstate to b with my girl friend. But I do feel positive about it. We've had many talks on the subject. In fact, not that long ago, I asked her was she willing/able to be involved with someone who has bi-polar and generalised anxiety. She assured me she's more than ready (she's a nurse and has done lots of mental health)
When i was younger, around 18-19, I was diagnosed as a sociopath. I didn't give a f#$% about any one. People to me were commodities to be used up then throw away once I'd finished with them. When I went to rehab from 98-2000, I developed a conscience and could NEVER do the things i used to do.
This friend i'm living with, apart from all her defects, is helping me the best way she can. And I'm trying to get her into a detox, organising meetings etc. But she has no motivation. She knows she can't drink but continues to drink none-the-less. I wouldn't do anything to hurt her. Like i said, I now have a conscience and couldn't do anything even if i wanted to.
It's also an addict thing, lots of people would steal off their own mother to get on (something I've never done is rob my parents). It was just a passing thought, I didn't sit pondering and planning it. It just crossed my mind but i got rid of that thought straight away.
Thank you for support and care...please stay in touch
The only thing i'm currently using is alcohol (which i'm trying real hard to cut down on)
I'm not expecting a miracle from the move interstate to b with my girl friend. But I do feel positive about it. We've had many talks on the subject. In fact, not that long ago, I asked her was she willing/able to be involved with someone who has bi-polar and generalised anxiety. She assured me she's more than ready (she's a nurse and has done lots of mental health)
When i was younger, around 18-19, I was diagnosed as a sociopath. I didn't give a f#$% about any one. People to me were commodities to be used up then throw away once I'd finished with them. When I went to rehab from 98-2000, I developed a conscience and could NEVER do the things i used to do.
This friend i'm living with, apart from all her defects, is helping me the best way she can. And I'm trying to get her into a detox, organising meetings etc. But she has no motivation. She knows she can't drink but continues to drink none-the-less. I wouldn't do anything to hurt her. Like i said, I now have a conscience and couldn't do anything even if i wanted to.
It's also an addict thing, lots of people would steal off their own mother to get on (something I've never done is rob my parents). It was just a passing thought, I didn't sit pondering and planning it. It just crossed my mind but i got rid of that thought straight away.
Thank you for support and care...please stay in touch
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
So do you think all of the time when you didn't give a F&%# about anyone....that it was the drug the whole time? Or were there times you weren't on the herion and still didn't think of people as human beings?
I'm glad to hear you're clean now and do hope you're able to not trade the herion addiction for an alcohol one. Guess one thing i've learned in all my codie mtgs and books is that you can't force someone to get sober. Your roommate will have to want to do it before it will ever work for her. I hope she decides to tho...and sooner rather than later.
How long have you known your girlfriend? Were you together at one time and then one of you had to move away?
I know you say you feel your bipolar is under control, but your initial post of this thread tells me different. Those are the words of someone who's depressed....and if you're depressed then you're not stable, right.
Would you mind telling me more about how you were before rehab and what kind of things you'd sit and think up to get your drugs and stuff? That sort of stuff is completely new to me and i don't understand it and can't fathom it one bit. Would you mind giving me an example? Perhaps of the most extreme con you've done in the past?
Thanks again for your honesty! I know this is all anonymos, but people still hesitate to open up completely.
Hugs,
Jenna
I'm glad to hear you're clean now and do hope you're able to not trade the herion addiction for an alcohol one. Guess one thing i've learned in all my codie mtgs and books is that you can't force someone to get sober. Your roommate will have to want to do it before it will ever work for her. I hope she decides to tho...and sooner rather than later.
How long have you known your girlfriend? Were you together at one time and then one of you had to move away?
I know you say you feel your bipolar is under control, but your initial post of this thread tells me different. Those are the words of someone who's depressed....and if you're depressed then you're not stable, right.
Would you mind telling me more about how you were before rehab and what kind of things you'd sit and think up to get your drugs and stuff? That sort of stuff is completely new to me and i don't understand it and can't fathom it one bit. Would you mind giving me an example? Perhaps of the most extreme con you've done in the past?
Thanks again for your honesty! I know this is all anonymos, but people still hesitate to open up completely.
Hugs,
Jenna
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