jane_668

Hi guys.I have been struggling with my drug addiction.Everyone told me that my drug use was suicidal and I actually ended up many times in the intensive care unit.I thought that I was enjoying my life but now I know that I was masking a problem that bothered me.My mom is schizophrenic.I grow up depending on myself and taking care of her.I tried to act out infront of my friends as if every thing is normal but nothing is.It's effected me deeply to the extent that I hated life and I hated myself.She's always talking to her self and completely isolating her self from the real world.At first she was scared to ride with me when I was driving but then she accepted but refuses to stay in the car alone.She's so passionate and loves me but I arely care for that.She doesnot accept to take her medications and i have to play so many tricks to give it to her.It's something so exhausting and killing me from inside.I try to ignore her but I can't.In the end she's my mom.There are so many times that I wish she could only ask me how I am doing.I just need her and she's not capable of being there for me.How can I move on?I couldnot accept the fact that she was ill.I know I am being selfish but sometimes it really hurts.

barb dwyer

hi jane -
do YOU have someone you can talk to IRL? LIke a counselor or someone who can help you fend off the associated guilt feelings?

Myu half sister was schitzophrenic and always always would quit taking her meds - i had to deal with the hassle of 'tracking her down' as well as the guilt of somehow it being my 'fault' she wuood just up and go off her meds....

If I'd had someone who knew about the battle that goes on within caregivers - whether appointed or taken hostage - it would have been wonderful.

newsandi

Hey Jane, I am sorry that you have to go thru this with your mother. I know that you have a lot of underlying issues unresloved from growing up and not feeling love. I have been there with you thru your struggles and I know that you battle with this within. I agree that you need to go talk to a counselor or some type of doctor that can help you with these problems. I know it is very overwhelming to have someone that has mental issues and they wont take care of themselves. There has to be some type of support you can get to take some of this stress off of you but more importantly, you need someone to help you overcome this battle that you fight within yourself. My son is 18 and is going thru some major mental issues and I am so scared that I wont be able to make him take his meds regularly and go to his appointments but I can only do the best that I can. I know for me personally, I am going to talk him into giving me power of attorney over him as far as making his medical decisions. Maybe if you could do something like that, if she gets to being out of control and not wanting to take her meds, you could have her admitted to the hospital to get her stabilized. I dont know if this helps, this is pretty much all new to me, but I can relate to loving someone so much and feel like you might just as well be fighting a losing battle. Hang in there and get you someone to talk to and dont pick up. You know the drill.....

splendra

Dear Jane-

I know it must be difficult for you. Schizophrenia is a very difficult disorder to deal with. I think that much about it is still not known or at least not really acknowledged. I hope you can find some detachment. I am sure your mom does love you and that you love her too.


I don't know if this helps at all but I do know that the meds for the condition you describe make the person feel bad it usually makes their stomach hurt and other body stuff too. I can understand why they do not want to take it. It seems that a lot of what makes them not want to take it could be eliminated if a better system of delivery could be found.

There needs to be smaller dosages that are delivered more directly to the brain where the imbalance is...

caraway

Hello Jane, wow, sounds like you have such a lot to cope with. I'm a carer for my mother in law who's 89 but we also get help for her too. She's on pension credits so its mostly free help that she gets. Isn't there something like that in NY? Sounds like you should look into any help available. There are also self help groups over here for care givers, perhaps theres something like that in NY.

Newsandi, just thought I'd mention, I've had a schizophrenic illness when I was in my 20's and again when I was older. It was described as acute as not all schizophrenial is chronic, ie its really bad for several months then it goes away. Just mentioning this as if your son is having mental problems, they may not be permanent or perhaps will get a bit better in time. I never took the meds they gave me - I thought it was another plot to poison/get rid of me, but I got better anyway. Eventually! But as Splendra says theres alot about schizo and mental illness in general that is not really known, even by the 'experts'.

barb dwyer

I completely agree with that.

jfk45

A friend of mine grew up with a schizophrenic mom. She tells me stories of being woken in the middle of the night to get her mother dressed (only girl who was in the house) so that the cops could take her mom to the hospital. One time she went to visit her mom in the hospital and they sent her away because she was the one her mom said she had to kill which put her in the hospital. Her parents divorced after a while and her mom has a sister she lives with. She is doing pretty good and hasn't been hospitalized for a while and she doesn't feel she needs to kill her daughter anymore.
I can't imagine what it must be like to grow up like that, but I can imagine that it must feel like a great loss to you to not have have that mother figure to be there for you. My mom passed away a few years ago and I long to just sit and talk with her sometimes when I'm having problems. Have you considered a grief support group or program. It isn't selfish to not be able to accept the illness, it's part of a grieving process for that part of your mom that you lost.