Questionable Diagnosis, or am I missing something
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Maryland
Posts: 2
Questionable Diagnosis, or am I missing something
My parents divorced about twenty-three years ago, and my Dad remarried about eighteen years ago. My Dad, who is now 73 years old, has never been a drinker. I'd say he might have two or three drinks in an average year (maybe a glass of champagne on New Year's eve or a glass of wine at dinner on a very special occasion). So he's not a tee-totaller, but he's basically a non-drinker. I have no reason to think that he ever was any sort of heavy drinker.
My step-mother is also previously divorced, and both her parents and her ex-husband had serious alcohol problems. She was very active in Al-Anon for many years working out her own resulting issues, and is also active in Overeaters Anonymous (or OA, a 12-step group for compulsive eaters). She also suffers from a very serious mental illness for which she is under a doctor's care.
Of late, she has begun insisting that my Dad has a "sickness" for which he needs to get treatment. He has been attending OA with her for a while, which is reasonable since he is pretty overweight and is a big eater. But my step-mother says that she thinks he does not "fit the pattern" of a compulsive eater but that he "fits the pattern" of an alcholic instead. She concedes that he has never been a heavy drinker, but she says he is a "dry alcoholic."
Now I am new to all of this, but what she is saying seems odd to me. Every reference I can find to a "dry alcoholic" on the web is talking about someone who used to have a drinking problem but is not currently drinking; however, a "dry alcoholic" is someone who is not dealing with the emotional and spiritual issues underlying their drinking problem. This is in contrast to a "sober alcoholic," who is dealing with his/her issues. Generally, it seems that AA members consider someone a "dry alcoholic" who no longer drinks but is not active in AA, and they seem to view it as inevitable that such a person will eventually fall back into drinking.
Also, twelve-step groups seem to believe that all addictions are essentially the same, and that the main difference is the "drug of choice" that one uses to cope with one's emotional and spiritual issues. If this is the case, what is the sense in saying that my Dad is a "dry alcoholic" rather than a "compulsive eater," especially when he never drank but has always eaten too much and can't keep from doing so no matter how hard he tries?
My step-mother is also previously divorced, and both her parents and her ex-husband had serious alcohol problems. She was very active in Al-Anon for many years working out her own resulting issues, and is also active in Overeaters Anonymous (or OA, a 12-step group for compulsive eaters). She also suffers from a very serious mental illness for which she is under a doctor's care.
Of late, she has begun insisting that my Dad has a "sickness" for which he needs to get treatment. He has been attending OA with her for a while, which is reasonable since he is pretty overweight and is a big eater. But my step-mother says that she thinks he does not "fit the pattern" of a compulsive eater but that he "fits the pattern" of an alcholic instead. She concedes that he has never been a heavy drinker, but she says he is a "dry alcoholic."
Now I am new to all of this, but what she is saying seems odd to me. Every reference I can find to a "dry alcoholic" on the web is talking about someone who used to have a drinking problem but is not currently drinking; however, a "dry alcoholic" is someone who is not dealing with the emotional and spiritual issues underlying their drinking problem. This is in contrast to a "sober alcoholic," who is dealing with his/her issues. Generally, it seems that AA members consider someone a "dry alcoholic" who no longer drinks but is not active in AA, and they seem to view it as inevitable that such a person will eventually fall back into drinking.
Also, twelve-step groups seem to believe that all addictions are essentially the same, and that the main difference is the "drug of choice" that one uses to cope with one's emotional and spiritual issues. If this is the case, what is the sense in saying that my Dad is a "dry alcoholic" rather than a "compulsive eater," especially when he never drank but has always eaten too much and can't keep from doing so no matter how hard he tries?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Nearby
Posts: 231
My impression (only having personally done AA and al-anon) is that all of the 12 step programs address the same issues and the only real difference is the drug of choice. The one big difference being one can avoid alcohol or alcoholics completely, avoiding food completely is not an option.
It may be a little out of line for me to say this, not knowing the other side of the story, but it listens to me like your step-mother has a case of, "when all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail." In other words, she's spent so much of her life dealing with alcoholics that any issue she encounters seems like alcoholism.
If she's done al-anon correctly (that is to say the way I see it ;o) she should have learned that the only person's issues she can work on are her own.
Oh, one last thing, not meaning to play the devil's advocate. but I was almost 40 before I learned that my mother had been a closet alcoholic for most of my life. She died from her disease just a couple of years after I had figured it out. And for some reason in my experience al-anons are repeatedly attracted to alcoholics.
What does your Dad say about all this?
Good luck to the three of you,
Easeful
It may be a little out of line for me to say this, not knowing the other side of the story, but it listens to me like your step-mother has a case of, "when all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail." In other words, she's spent so much of her life dealing with alcoholics that any issue she encounters seems like alcoholism.
If she's done al-anon correctly (that is to say the way I see it ;o) she should have learned that the only person's issues she can work on are her own.
Oh, one last thing, not meaning to play the devil's advocate. but I was almost 40 before I learned that my mother had been a closet alcoholic for most of my life. She died from her disease just a couple of years after I had figured it out. And for some reason in my experience al-anons are repeatedly attracted to alcoholics.
What does your Dad say about all this?
Good luck to the three of you,
Easeful
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
To clarify: Some people refer to certain adult children of alcoholics as "dry drunks" also, because they learned all the same behavior patterns of their alcoholic parents, but they don't drink. The term is fairly loose, but usually refers to someone who has the behavioral characteristics of an alcoholic without the alcohol - those behavioral characteristics could be leftover from being an alcoholic themselves or from learning the behaviors from alcoholics. Most people refer to former alcohol abusers when they call someone a dry drunk, but occasionally they'll be referring to something different.
That being said, I agree with easeful. From what you've said, it does sound a lot like she's a hammer looking for a nail. You might want to read the sticky on the 13 characteristics of adult children of alcoholics and see if any of them fit your dad. You didn't mention what his parents were like.
That being said, I agree with easeful. From what you've said, it does sound a lot like she's a hammer looking for a nail. You might want to read the sticky on the 13 characteristics of adult children of alcoholics and see if any of them fit your dad. You didn't mention what his parents were like.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Maryland
Posts: 2
Thanks for the feedback. When I originally was writing my post I actually asked if it seemed like she was just projecting the behaviors (or at least the diagnosis) she was familiar with onto Dad, but I took that part out so as not to influence y'all's opinions too much. But it sounds like you agree that that is likely.
The weird thing is that she says her counselor said the same thing, based on her descriptions of Dad. Aside from the questionable professionalism of making diagnoses of a not-present third party during counseling, I thought it was weird coming from a professional. With that and some of the other weird things my stepmom has said that her counselor (a psych nurse, not a doctor) has said, I am starting to think the counselor is quite odd. Or maybe some of these things are just made-up.
Interesting questions about Dad's parents and possibility he's just really good at hiding a drinking habit. His dad was quite a wheeler-dealer and played a lot of poker, so it's a good guess he also did a fair amount of drinking (those things just seem to go together most of the time). I've never heard anyone suggest he was an alcoholic, but he was not the sort of man who would have been very open to that idea in any case. Dad's brother has been addicted to you-name-it at one time or other.
As for Dad, he is just such a straight-arrow, straightforward guy, and totally open with me. Disturbingly so at times!
Anyway, it is helpful to hear what people with more experience in such matters think. Talking with my step-mother can be like a trip down the rabbit hole sometimes.
The weird thing is that she says her counselor said the same thing, based on her descriptions of Dad. Aside from the questionable professionalism of making diagnoses of a not-present third party during counseling, I thought it was weird coming from a professional. With that and some of the other weird things my stepmom has said that her counselor (a psych nurse, not a doctor) has said, I am starting to think the counselor is quite odd. Or maybe some of these things are just made-up.
Interesting questions about Dad's parents and possibility he's just really good at hiding a drinking habit. His dad was quite a wheeler-dealer and played a lot of poker, so it's a good guess he also did a fair amount of drinking (those things just seem to go together most of the time). I've never heard anyone suggest he was an alcoholic, but he was not the sort of man who would have been very open to that idea in any case. Dad's brother has been addicted to you-name-it at one time or other.
As for Dad, he is just such a straight-arrow, straightforward guy, and totally open with me. Disturbingly so at times!
Anyway, it is helpful to hear what people with more experience in such matters think. Talking with my step-mother can be like a trip down the rabbit hole sometimes.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
My alcoholic, serially-relapsing sister used to use the term "dry drunk" as an insult against her Al-Anon-involved husband.
Although he had never been an alcoholic, although he was working his program and trying just to keep his side of the street clean, she was always angry with him. He didn't give in to her unreasonable alcoholic demands, he set strong boundaries, and he wouldn't indulge in the chaos.....therefore he was acting like a "dry drunk" in her book.
Obviously your step-mom has some issues with your dad - his personality, his boundaries, his directness, something. This just seems to be the label she chooses to give it.
Wishing you, and your father, some peace of mind.
Although he had never been an alcoholic, although he was working his program and trying just to keep his side of the street clean, she was always angry with him. He didn't give in to her unreasonable alcoholic demands, he set strong boundaries, and he wouldn't indulge in the chaos.....therefore he was acting like a "dry drunk" in her book.
Obviously your step-mom has some issues with your dad - his personality, his boundaries, his directness, something. This just seems to be the label she chooses to give it.
Wishing you, and your father, some peace of mind.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
