shutterbug

Again. Yes...different journey, same familiar road and dragging my heels all the way.

I know it's needed and I know it will help, but i hate that i'm back here again. Monday I start day treatment. 9-4 daily treatment, mon-fri. I will have one individual therapy session for the week, 1-2 pdoc visits and mostly group therapy. i went in for the evaluation yesterday and they wanted me to start right away. i told them there was no way b/c i have to tie up loose ends and mostly have to find freelancers who can and will do my job while i'm away.

I'm scared. I'm scared about leaving the job for a week like this and for this reason. I'm scared that a week will turn into weeks and possibly months. And hugely...i'm scared about the med change that has to happen.

My insurance will cover 100 hours of treatment...they say (but i think the weekly therapy hours i've been doing all year counts toward that and they haven't realized yet...so who knows really).

The good news? HR manager asked if i had a moment to come talk with her....and bless her heart she just couldn't hardly bare to see me in tears and she felt bad for not knowing anything about bipolar disorder. I think i scared her with the severity of the depression she was witnessing as i'm normally such an upbeat person. Best of all, she asked if i had any questions...told me i have short-term and long-term leave available and all that and told me not to worry about the job...just get better.

I was mostly crying from that last part. As those of you who know my background will understand how totally opposite that is from the last time i went through this at my old job.

So...i won't get fired and they don't hate me for trying to fix me before things get worse. Boss still doesn't understand tho and keeps overwhelming me with busy work and unneccessities (because he wants there to always be a plan B and C as far as photos go for the next day in case stories fall through).

i cried off and on all day yesterday (but i had been doing that last week too), but through tears i was still joking and cutting up at times. I worried that they would think me a fraud. Only when i got in my car to go home last night....did it finally dawn on me that i had been rapid cycling all day from the weight of the stress from all this.

I haven't rapid cycled like that in years. It continues to amaze me how powerful stress is at affecting us so greatly. Today, boss was in a good mood and at my desk joking. i told him he's likely to notice me flipping back and forth alot over the next few days. He said, "no i won't. i never notice you" (That's typically boss being awnry as he says it with a sly grin and glint in his eyes....and then starts chuckling when i gasp from realizing what he's just said. We all have this same kind of humor). But then he said...."Just don't come strolling in my office during the lows...wait until you go back up again." lol

I like that he, and i also, am able to joke about it. It tells me that he really doesn't care what lable i have or problems in life....just as long as they have the least affect on him as possible. Yeah....he's a good boss. A rare thing these days.

--------------------

For the moment....I'm breathing and today was actually a decent day on the grand scale, but reality is that i'm very, very frightened. I know that I am currently only about 1/2 as bad as my worst episode....at least that's how i see it b/c this time my body/functioning is not being quite so affected as before. The level of depression inside tho? Probably closer to a level of 75%, with 100% being my worst times from the past.

Now....that is why i'm so scared. Physcially, i'm able to stay awake and move with ease, but the depresion level is severe. I know this makes me much more of a danger to myself than before. Before....last time i was near comatose so anything other than sleeping was way too hard.

hugs,
jenna

hippyhippy

well done you hunny I am so in awe and proud of you!
You area remarkable person hun and don't you forget it!
I will reply better later, but you are so so so good!
hippy
xxxxx

HKAngel24

Jenna --

I am SO sorry for your pain.
I have been where you are - when the depression was crushing me so deeply that I felt I couldn't even lift a limb.
Actually this past weekend was incredibly rough for me- I was SCARY depressed, so much so that I became frightened at how physically consuming it can be. I've been on new meds for almost a year now that have really helped alter the physical aspect of my depression- that has always been the worst, my inability to be motivated to do ANYTHING at all and to feel like I was dragging five bowling balls around on my ankles. The hopelessness and despair so consuming and drowning that you cannot even see over the top. I have been in and out of treatment centers for years of my life when I was younger for my eating disorder so I know the process well.

You are inspirational and strong for knowing that ONLY you are going to be able to put yourself back together. I think that "normies" misunderstand other's mental health issues and often I find, I am very sensitive to that. But of course, I am incredibly self-loathing so I like to take any evidence that I am defective and tack it up on my wall for continual self abuse.

Maybe you have done so before, but I found it helpful to get memoirs of those who have struggled with chronic depression. I am thinking of you. Please know you're not alone.

PaperDolls

Jenna

You're headed in the right direction. I'm so sorry you're in so much pain right now but I have faith that it will get better. The fact that you are so aware of your moods, I think really helps tremendously. I've learned so much from you here on SR because you've armed yourself with knowledge to help yourself get better. Some people don't or can't do that.

Please keep us posted and take care of YOU.

Love PD

Alive

I don't know, but maybe this is a turning point in your life Jenna..

You know my heart is with you..i do remember of you once and a while through the week..I am hopeful for you..Really..Much love to you...I wish the best for you...Somehow it's possible to come out of the dark and find peace..

Me

Live

Jenna, Haven't been on site for days.....I love you and I wish I could hold your hand.
Course....I'd probably depress you!

deedee

(((Jenna)))

I'm sorry you are struggling so ... but glad you are reaching out for help. Sending humongous hugs and a prayer that you feel better soon

shutterbug

Thanks everyone...i've felt okay today...which has had me second-guessing myself all day about this decision to take leave from work to go into treatment. But regardless...i have to keep reminding myself that i have needed a med adjustment for a while...have needed some time off for a while...and this may prevent things from getting out of hand.

The result of this decision that i hadn't expected is that i'm allowing myself not to stress about things so much right now. Not sure how, but i've been much less anxious today and yesterday. It's almost as if the health care worker saying i was in need of treatment and repeatedly asking if i could start sooner than Monday (out of concern for my well-being)...it's almost as if that gave me permission to allow myself to be human rather than superhuman.

So the last 2 days at work...i've gotten done what i can and had little anxiety about not getting everything done that i "should" already have completed. I think part of that is because I know that boss can't really push me overly hard right now. He knows that I've been dealing with this stuff for months now and that just last month i was talking about quitting because of not being able to handle the treatment from the new copy girl. Technically, he could keep pushing me overly hard, but he's not a stupid man and knows what he'd be loosing if i walked out (thank goodness).

So i've just been going at MY pace and going easy on myself, physically and mentally. Wish i could have done all that without being told i'm being admitted into treatment.

historyteach

(((Jenna))))

Be gentle on yourself...
Be good to yourself.

Shalom!

hippyhippy

don't doubt yourself hun. You have known for a while this was coming and you are being very responsible.
I am totally in awe of you, you know that eh?
Hippy
xxxxx
and a big smacker
X!!!

KatieRose

Praying for you.

shutterbug

thank you all so very much for all your kind words, responses, hugs, prayers and kindness.

When i told my sister yesterday that i was going back into day treatment starting monday she said, "Will you be out by the 27th?"

That's the day she's having my nephews birthday party...and she thought day treatment meant locked up in mental hospital. It hurt that she didn't care to even ask what was going on or why or if i was okay....just wanted to make sure i'd be at the birthday party she's putting together (and probably making sure i'd be there to photograph everything). I love my sister, but she's just as selfish and overly self-absorbed as my father. Only difference is that sis has to watch the way she treats people much more carefully b/c she needs baby sitters. Otherwise, she wouldn't give a damn...nor did she before the boys birth. Sad that i have a sister, the only sibling i have, who doesn't care about being a sister.

So anyway...i still want to / need to spend time with my nephews this weekend so i can get hugs from someone, attention, love and cuddles and kisses. It would be too hard a weekend for me to spend it alone.

Anyway, at least i haven't lost all my dreams. i'm still dreaming of finding a prince someday and keeping fingers crossed it's someday soon. And still dreaming of photographic adventures from time to time...when not dealing with tears.

So anyway...love you all.
Hippy i didn't. Hard for me to even believe such things, but i thank you for your special words. they do mean a lot.

hugs,
jenna

meliejv

Hey Shutterbug

I am going thru the same thing right now. I started going to day treatment a little over a week ago and it is very humbling. The last time i was in treatment was 14 years ago so it felt like a huge step backwards not to mention the educational classes are so elementary to me but it gives me a reason to get out of bed and out of the house. I am going so my doc can monitor my med change as well. I'm just grateful i didn't have to go inpatient. but this is what we need to do so we can feel good again. We may feel at our lowest but there is a phrase i heard in a movie one time that stays with me. It goes like this, "Cowboy Up". Hope that helps. I'll keep you in my prayers.

hugs
Mel :ghug

shutterbug

Thanks for your words of kindness and empathy. props to you for it being 14 years since your last day treatment admitance!! My last was around April 2004....so just about 3.5 years for me and i didn't even start coming out of that major episode until around October of 04. That's what gets me the most is that i had thought my major depressives would hit about every 7 years!! So only getting half of that time has been a huge blow for me and has me totally in "what's the use" mode!! living today just to not be depressed tomorrow and then living tomorrow just to not be depressed the next day?? WTF!!

luckily i am in a VERY good program and respect the therapist/group leader a great deal. He is extremely knowledgeable and has a doctor's way of telling me to "cowgirl up". yesterday i told him i wasn't going to like him very much if he kept pushing too much on certain things....and his response was "GOOD!" lol

Today we did a treatment plan....never had one before and he was shocked about that since i've been inpatient twice, outpatient twice and in weekly therapy for more than 3 years now. Anyway, he's not one of those people who knows what he needs to know about your case and doesn't bother explaining to you. When i asked questions he actually answered them in real ways and even pulling out the diagnostic manual to show me what he was referring to!!! yeah....very cool. i think he respects me a little for being so knowledgeable about my bipolar disorder...since about 80 percent of us are undiagnsosed and even those who are often reject it or accept it without ever bothering to learn much about it. So i guess, he knows i'm receptive to learning and that's awsome that he's willing to share his knowledge with me!!

Anyway....i'm still struggling with the fact that i'll be in for more than a week, but today they were so worried about me when i hadn't shown up by 11 a.m. (program starts at 9 a.m.) that they called and next step was to send the police to my house! It's annoying, but it proves that they take their jobs and patients seriously and that i respect emensly. And because i was so depressed today they asked about me going inpatient which felt nice to have someone else looking out for me, but i told them i didn't want to do that just yet.

anyway....i highly recommend day treatment programs during times of clinical depression...it can save lives.

hugs,
jenna

shutterbug

oh....and i actually learned a few extra things today.

1. since cigeretts are a stimulant....they can help with ADHD symptoms, as can patches.
2. same with coffee...can help bring an ADHD person's concentration levels up to the same level as their brain activity.
3. ECT is the best and safest treatment for depression (i had kind of known that already, but forgot because i think i had a hard time accepting it 3.5 years ago)
4. The hospital that my day treatment program is through....has an ECT doc!!!!!!
5. There's a new electronic device that i had read some brief article about before, but for about a year now they have been using it in depressed patients. It is inserted during an operation and is adjusted over several weeks until the right level of electrical stimulation to something (can't remember what area/part of the body). The doc said it can possibly rid the person of depression for the rest of their life!

So anyway...i'm definetly going to check into the ECT and possibly the other, although the other only being out a year makes me nerveous. Anyway...glad to know there's other options with such positive possiblities for my life.

hugs,
jenna

P.S. THANK YOU ALL SOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH FOR EVERYONE'S SUPPORT HERE....YOU GUYS MEAN MORE TO ME THAN I CAN EVER EXPRESS!!

still_me

Shutterbug,

I read, most of it, your original post here and it has made me want to get help tomorrow. I don't know why reading your post did that for me but it did. I just hope the feeling lasts until tomorrow. I am a little scared I'll wake up tomorrow and not make the call.

anyway I don't have enough of an attention span right now so haven't been able to read through the rest of the posts in this thread but wanted to tell you what I felt while reading your first post. Thank you

shutterbug

((((still me))))))

yep i've been there....little to no attention span, little to no short-term memory, unable to handle much of anything...even mailing off a payment to the electric company was/is too much to handle b/c it turns into 20 different steps just to get the envelope in the mail box. And those 20 different steps are each too daunting, so actually getting the envelope out there is near impossible. Sound familiar?

Even as i type this...i haven't showered since Thursday morning and it is now Sunday night. I've only changed clothes twice and only brushed hair once (and it's so long it reaches the middle of my back, so I've just kept it up in a clip). And still none of this is as bad as the last major depression where it was literally weeks between showers and clothing changes.....i should have been placed in an assisted living center, but the world doesn't understand this kind of level of non-functioning yet for depression.

just do what you can to take care of yourself.
Inpatient is a good choice if you are a danger to yourself right now.
Day treatment is an awsome choice if you aren't to that point yet or for after being released from an inpatient stay.

giant hugs,
jenna

meliejv

Hi shutterbug

I have been out of the loop for a while b/c I have been going to day treatement for two weeks. But the electode therapy your talking about is either vagal nerve stimulation or deep brain stimulation. i have been talking to my doc about that being a possiblity for me as well. I know the vns costs $40,000. thats where they attach the electrode to a nerve in your neck. Deep brain is where the go into the brain where the depression is and they put the monitor under your skin in your chest. I don't know how much that costs but it is major surgery so i am assuming its more than $100,000 and i don't think insurance pays for it b/c its still considered experiemental. Those are the facts I have. My doc did say he has had more success the dbs. I hope your feeling better. yesterday was my last day at day treatment and as much as I was grudging it i met a few really neat people that I will stay in contact with. I'm glad your having a good experience with your doc. That is so important to me to have a caring doc. I started on Cymbalta 2 weeks ago and so far it seems to be working, although it isn't in full effect yet so I guess i need to wait but i do feel better than i did 2 weeks ago. I'll keep you in my prayers. Take care

Hugs
Mel

shutterbug

thanks mel...you are right...it's the vagal nerve, but i couldn't remember that before. thanks. the deep brain stimulation would be too scary a thing for me to ever agree to (willingly) i think.

don't like my doc, but i like our group therapist a bunch. and you are right. i am meeting several neat people.

hugs and thanks for the prayers,
jenna

GailJ

Sending hugs, courage, faith in you and strength you way shutter.