sunkensky

I've had a somewhat stressful few days. Friday night some of my family came over. This can be really stressful for me, usually, and the only reason I can see for it is that they make me feel sort of exposed and vulnerable, having seen me at my worst. A cousin I haven't seen for a while came over, really anxious to see me apparently, and this really had me nervous because by coincidence she has been there at two of my worst moments. One years ago when I was just beginning to battle with mental issues, and admittedly sort of losing it, and she said very harsh things to me including calling me "********", during a time when I was dissociative and very depressed. I believed her, completely broke down, and I hate to be that way- feels very weak. The second time I was having daily multiple panic attacks and my family decided to throw a party, the result of which was me being/feeling like a complete freakshow, and becoming very depressed again, trapped in my room wanting to disappear. So when she came I wanted nothing more than to be alone.

Now the positive side! They came, cleared the air, making light of the situation- which in my family indicates understanding, although it can be a sort of rough way to express it, and we had good long talks. I didn't feel completely comfortable, but everyone else let their guard down, and let out some things I had never known about, and I think I finally bonded with these people I have always tried to distance myself from. There isn't complete forgiveness on my part, but I do understand the 'why' of it all now. Everyone has problems.

I had a shaky weekend. I got up for work on Monday not sure I could face things, but I pushed myself and made it through the day, and was even able to write some poetry (this is my passion, writing). Tuesday I stayed home and dealt with car trouble, and a sick brother. I could either have seen it as taking it too easy, or working with what I was given. I saw it as working with what I was given. Today I woke up depressed and anxious, and very out of sorts sort of detached, and had a fairly rotten day. But I made it through a staff meeting, got a fair amount of work done, though not at all up to par with the normal course of things, and headed home. On the way home I was still sort of detached from things, and beginning to panic...and *somehow* (probably a shift of my purse or something) my emergency break got stuck and I was stuck in the middle of a major road *really* beginning to freak out. Maybe this was a sign from above to stop and take stock and breathe. It's very metaphorical, if you think about it. Lol. So instead of freaking completely I kept my head, and figured it out (thought my car may have died after *just* having fixed it) and got out of traffic and home safe. No major panic attack! Now I am home, and can't say I'm looking forward to that whole *functioning* thing tomorrow, but I'm fairly sure it's doable. And this, I think, is what life will be about. Playing the hand you're dealt, and it's never as bad as it seems it will be.

(Oh! And never underestimate the power of a warm bed and a good comedy, and if you're lucky a kitty to pet.)

Lilya

Great news, Sunkensky!

Good to see you taking all of this family stuff in and coming out of it with much dignity and self-respect.

The situation you describe is hard. All the more reason to give yourself a pat on your back.

Good for you! And keep writing poetry. The healing power of creative writing is amazing.

Love and light,

sunkensky

Thanks for reading that. I know it was pretty long...I can go on and on...