hippyhippy

I am comning down like a dead weight. I start off daYOK and now it is hell. Therapy was crap. I am having al the old anx stuff that I can't deal with. I am supposed to be going away with family tomorrow for long weekend and I am scared outof my skin. No usual people to talk to they are all fed up of me.
I want to my old disappearing malrlarky but I can't. I just cant handle normal life. it would be so much easier to dip out and not be responsible for others happiness but I know I can't. It is easy to see why people think the world would be better off without them. Nowhere to go when I feel like this. Samaritans good and kind but cant when family around.
I will shut up now. just wanted to vent somewhere. sorry it was here.
hippy

historyteach

Don't be sorry; that's why we're here.

What do you mean, you're "comming down like a dead weight?"
"daYOK?"
I'm confused, and don't know what you're saying. I'm sorry....

You are NOT responsible for anyone else's happiness. Why do you think you are?

I hope you feel better, but, I want you to know that I just stopped in for a bit, and have to leave. It's Rosh Ha Shannah, and I'm going to Tashlick.
Please know, you are in my prayers.

Shalom!

Anna

You are not responsible for other people's happiness and I know how hard family gatherings can be, at any time, especially if you're feeling vulnerable. Try to breathe and remember you need to take care of yourself.

hippyhippy

sorry i tend to get less and less coherent.
mistypes thats all. day ok was daYOK.
I start day good and now I feel worse than bad. I sit crying into pc wanting to have guts to stop the misery returning and feel resentful that I can't. I am sorry but there it is. Knowing just doesn't cut anyice. yeah yeah it is all 'symptoms' the shrink tells me. it is my brain kidding me on. I have had enough of it doing this.
I want to look forward to tomorrow but I dread it and if I am honest I hate the fact that no one knows how flaming hard it is for me to take the journey rather than one directly intpo hospital. it is not enough that I do it but i have to be shiny and happy and enjoy the captivity and be a super mum super wife, sober driver and every bloody thing else when I really want to crawl under my duvet and say goodnight. I want to enjoy life again. I can't fully and neither can my family. I hate me for spoiling it all for them. I hate it all being so damned hard.
hippy

miss communicat

hippy

I'm sending you positive thoughts through the night......let them surround you until your sad feelings change. They will pass. I promise.

historyteach

Hippy,
You can only do what you can do. No more; no less.
Are you helping yourself by taking care of yourself physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually? If not, can you start to do so? Do one thing each day. It will help.

And YES, I KNOW how difficult it is to do when we are wishing we could put our head under the pillow and escape from the world. And we have to do it anyway. It is our way out from this hell.

If you really need to go to the hospital, do so. Don't let anyone else stop you. But, let it be because you are a danger to yourself or someone else, and no other reason. Because, other than those reasons, you and I, like everyone else who suffers from depression, anxiety, bipolar, and other issues, needs to learn to face life on life's terms. We do so by taking care of ourself first.

We will never make anyone else happy, until we take care of ourself.

I hope you understand that I'm saying these words, that may sound harsh to you right now, out of love. I've been where you are. I understand. You HAVE to get up and begin the process of taking care of yourself, even when you don't feel like you can!
Do one little thing each day.
Success breeds success.
You *can* do it.

And we are here for you...

Shalom!

historyteach

If you need them, yes, you can!
Even if family is around.
ESPECIALLY if family is around, and they cannot help.

You have a right to be safe. Samaritans are there to help. Call whenever you need them. That's why they are there.

Shalom!

Anna

Oh Hippy, don't get caught up in that baloney of being super mom, super wife, super everything. I wish I had known how important it is to be good to yourself. I firmly believed I had to do everything for everyone in the family and have a perfect house and a job too. That was the biggest mistake I made. If you don't nurture yourself, you won't have anything to give. You deserve to be cared for too.

cece1960

((((Hippy)))
A wise person once told me "The only person we "owe" is ourselves, the only thing we "have" to do is take another breath"
There are times I need to remember that myself.
My thoughts and prayers are with you
(((Hugs)))
Cece

shutterbug

((((Hippy))))

i don't have any words of wisdom, suggestions or anything to offer you right now except to tell you that i am right there with you. I very much KNOW how hard it is to keep doing this day in and day out rather than going straight to hospital. i know.

Right now...my eyes hurt from having cried so hard for so long today...to the point where by body was shaking b/c of not being able to cope with the amount of stress and depression and anxiety. I went all the rest of the day struggling to see through my clouded over contacts....only just getting home a little bit ago and taking them out...but eyes hurt from too much crying.

In the past 2 days, i've told boss and 2 coworkers that i am at a point where i'm either going to end up back in the hospital, end up walking off the job and quitting, or taking my own life.

i can't handle it...
I don't know how...

that all i kept repeating to him over and over in his office today through my tears...see, i know he's my boss, but honestly i know him on a personal comfort level more than any of my co-workers...tho one comes close. And he's the kind of personality who...had he decided to be a therapist...he'd have been a darn good one.

Anyway....i've gotten off topic.

Point is...you are NOT alone in this, your thoughts, your feelings or any of it. I'm right here with you...and i know you can hang in there a little longer...as that's what i keep telling myself to. "Just a little longer. It'll get better. Nothing ever stays the same...things always have to change eventually."

Just survive as best you can right now...don't worry about anyone or anything else....just survive.

((((hugs))))

Jenna

hippyhippy

thank you all,

I have had a good sleep and woken feeling less negative. I think I may have a pysical ailment as I have symptoms of a UTI (TMI!) which would of course contribute to my emotional state of mind.

Jenna, I am so sorry you feel bad just now. I would put one of those huggy smiley things if I knew how.((((((((((((hugs)))))))))) best I can do.

I have arranged for my m um to look after the kids for a few hours today before I go. It will give me time to do some shopping and a meditation. I have let my meditations slide as I have always seemed too busy, but they are really important to me for my mental well being.

Teach, Your words did not seem harsh. Sometimes I need challenged or just have pointed out to me what I can't see at that moment in time.

I had a bad therapy yesterday and whilst it is easy to see now how that contributed, I couldn't see it then. When I first started group therapy my occupational health nurse arranged things so that I would not have to work on an evening after the therapy in case I felt bad. I thought that was a bit OTT, but it seems she knew what she was talking about! That is the first time that has happened.

I am better today, down , but not all consuming as it was last night.

Thank you all for your kindness. I will go on this weekend break and try my best. It is all I can do really.

Hippy
xxx

indigo

Hippy all sound advice, two of my adult children have bipolar and I too suffer from a mind crippling genetic condition. Tajke time out for yourself, when you're on a low, it's impossible to be there for anyone and really hard to think that you can help you....retreat, be kind to yourself, do anything that helps stops those crazy cycle thoughts. I am holding you off the ground with my most sincere love and positive thoughts for your peace of mind....you are never truly alone.

hugs Annie

hippyhippy

Thank you for that annie.

I am feeling a bit better. I am still down but it is not that awful all consuming low that it felt last night. I did a meditation earlier which always helps to take the low or anxious feeling a few steps back.
I am going away for the weekend in the next ten or twenty minutes. I will not have internet access so everyone take care, and thank you for your time and patience.

Hippy
xxx

shutterbug

glad to hear you are doing better today Hippy. Glad to hear you are taking a trip for the weekend...although major trips can be very stressful...so i hope this is the "get away and just relax kind" of going away for weekend.

I too am doing better today...still solum (sp?) and quite numb inside, but better.

May we both be happy and sparkly again come Monday.

(((hugs)))
Jenna

p.s. my computer doesn't do those little graphic things either...wish it did tho b/c i'm all the time wanting to give out those cute huggy guys in posts!!! The only one's i can do is the one's i just type and they turn into smiley's when it posts somehow (or on sis's computer on rare occasion).

Don W

A friend once told me " We have to pick and choose our battles". Sounds like you're doing what I have done. Trying to fight all the battles, and at the same time. Try to make things simple. You can do that by only trying to do what is humanly possible. The first step? Remind yourself you are only human, and have no super powers. It is good that you are talking about it. Don't worry about who is around. We want you to be around. Also, many of us have been or are where you are. So, don't feel bad about posting whatever you need to post. Don W

hippyhippy

Hi,
returned from weekend away and am quite relaxed! It went ok apart from little bits of anx which were fairly short lived.

I am trying to make it clear to my family that I need some time out to de chill each day and that it is essential to my overall health, but getting in the habit of it is difficult.

Hope you are all well.

Hippy
xx

GailJ

Welcome back hippy, glad all went well for you

hippyhippy

oh eck,
I have been really silly and let hubby see the email sent to samaritans last night. He now knows almost how wacky the inside of my head can be. I didn't want him to know. I have managed to hide worst up til now. He now knows I was looking at suidcide sites and that I think of it lots of time but he doesn't understand that it is an obsession rather than desire. Yet he now knows that I feel it is an inevitability.
I am so scred for letting him ssee. this is really bad. he thinkis I should be in hospital and doesn't believe that I have told shrink all of it.

meliejv

Hi Hippy

I am a new member but i wanted to say unless your husband is abusive and not safe, its good that he knows whats going on with you. Now he can be present and support you in the way you need. There isn't a thought in my head that my husband doesn't know about. I couldn't do this without his support. I had a break down a year ago and have been struggling with wanting to kill myself and severe panic attacks. I was completely home bound for about 6 months. I couldn't even stand for the phone to ring. It's taken a year and a new anti depressant but i am starting to feel some what normal again but had it not been for my husbands constant support I would have easily drowned myself in the bath tub. there wasn't a day that passed that i didn't think about it. What I have found in my pits of depression is there is nothing out there in he world that will make it better. You hav muster up an strength you have inside to relief your pain, whether its taking a bath or journaling, whatever works for you. Its a time that calls for us to be our best friend rather than our worst enemy. I have had depression all my life and no matter how bad i feel, I know its not me that i hate, its my depression that i hate. I wish i had found this site sooner. I am blown away by all the love there is. You guys are really good to eachother. Sorry I went on forever

shutterbug

perhaps him going with you to a therapy session would be a good way for him to feel better and believe you when you tell him you are talking to the therapist about all of this?

I've had a ton of suicidal thoughts lately (worst in about 2 years and maybe the worst ever actually), but i guess I don't really understand when you say "I feel it is an inevitability"?

And really, i know it's hard to let him see this part of you, but if you did ever act on anything it would be MUCH worse for him to have never had any kind of clue about what was going on. Just my 2-cents.