olivia1970

Hi to everyone, I just wanted to say what a wonderful site this is filled with wonderful people, I have read many posts and can relate to many of you. It sucks being anxious all the time, depressed, worthless, scared, suspcious of others, feelings of guilt constantly, and to top it all of where did the last 7 -8 years go??? I don't mean literally, but yes there have been long stretches where I don't remember things. How in the world did function? How in the world did I take care of my children? For all I know I might not even remember posting this! lol
Honestly, I am a rape survivor from the age of 16, the next trauma I experienced was my abusive husband for years, beating on me, and causing more emotional damage than any person should endure. When I finally was strung enough to leave him (after having a nervous breakdown and admitting myself into the hospital) our 3 yr old daughter is molested numerous times over a one month period while visting my ex her Dad was not the MONSTER, it was his friend that he trusted. That was about 8 years ago, and you know what? I'm sick and tired of feeling like this. I'm angry that she was molested (but thank God I got her into therapy as soon as she told me) The three of us went to therapy weekly together, (my daughter, my son and I) Her father stayed in denial for years and didn't get help. Not only did we have the family therapy once a week, but her one on one therapy, my son's one on one therapy (for he felt tremdous guilt for not protecting his baby sister, he was only 7 at the time) I had one on one therapy as well. Between hospitals, therapy appointments, police stations, DA's, etc I maintained 2 full time jobs. It's a blur, but I know I did, (I have my taxes to prove it) lol (see I still have a sense a humor, but it's slowly dying) I'm angry that I went through all of this alone, I was angry that they never charged the MONSTER for molesting my little girl. (thats the weird part, I no longer hate him, it's like he doesn't exist) Until I'm trying to be intimate with my boyfriend, then all hell breaks loose, I am 'flashed back' to the day my little girl described what it was like to have oral sex performed on her and how she performed it also, I'm literraly sick to my stomach right now, I taste the bile coming up and I part of me wishes I were dead. We spent years in therapy, when she was 4 they put her on paxil and kolonipin for the night terrors and PTSD, she was close to a breakdown and wanted to die, she would literraly run at a wall head bowed down screaming "I don't want to be anymore" She became a danger to herself and others, the rage in her was worse than the rage I feel inside me at this moment (which is alot of rage and anger) But eventually after years of therapy she was taken off the medicine and was given the OK to stop therapy, she knows something bad happened to her, she knows who did it, and she knows it was not her fault and she knows that her mommy will always take care of her no matter how big the monster is. My son understands as well, that there was nothing he could have done to stop what happened to his sister, that she is okay, that I love him more than life as well as my daughter. So, why in the world am I not better???? Why???? I hate being overly startled by the smallest noise, or by one of the kids just walking in the room where I'm sitting (even if I see them for a split second I still overreact) My poor son gets the brunt of it, can you imagine coming home from school for days and days to have your Mom scream so loud and still sound so pitful and scared? I know he tries to make light of it, but how can it not bother him? He has said to me "Ma' I swear you looked me right in the eyes for longer than a few seconds and still screamed like I was a serial killer" My daughter loves to run up and hug me, I'm startled by that as well, in fact I pretty much don't like being hugged or touched any more. I believe the day she told me about Curtis and the things he did to her, part of me disappeared so that I ccould cope with the situation. There are still times (within the past 6 months) that I have lost time. Heck, it's not time I'm losing it's ME I'm losing!!! As the years go by I'm fading away, my personality is no longer who I was before that day (oh yeah, by the way the day was April 1, 2000) What a freakin wonderful day to have that memory tied too. What does it matter anyways, no day is a good day to hear what I heard. When I strat to feel this way, I want to disappear into my own safe place, but it's not as if I have this special power dissociate myself whenever I want too, but wouldn't that be a nice power to have?
I'm drained, I'm sorry this was so long, I needed to vent and I thank anyone who actually reads this to the end. By doing so you validate me.
Thanks again,
Olivia

DaVinci2

I wish I had poetic words of wisdom or comfort but I don't. All I can say is that you've done what you can, you've made the best of what were some seriously tragic situations and you're here now, with your kids. It's not easy to forget the past, but hopeful you can let it fog up a little and concentrate more on the now and tomorrow. With any luck that's all you'll think about.

Best wishes...

Morning Glory

Welcome to the forums olivia

I have been through much of what you've gone through. I don't have a lot of time to post right now, but I will later.

I am sorry you've been through so much.

Huge hugs,
MG

olivia1970

Thanks for welcoming me, it really means a lot. Here it is almost 11pm and I'm almost blind from staring at the computer screen all day!!!! I plan on getting into therapy asap, have even thought about a hospital stay might do me good, me and the kids are registered Victims of Crime in NY State though Curtis was never charged, it's never made sense too me that we could be registered victims and the courts not prosecute him. Anyway, what I was starting to say was...since were registered victims, NY state picks up the tab for all therapy, meds, hospitals for the rest of our lives if it pertains too what happened to my baby. I'm grateful for that, believe me the bills for all those therapy sessions, meds, two visits to Yale New Haven Hospital, I don't want to know how much it's cost the state for our therapy. You, know it is an excellent program, because as I sit here typing I am remembering the woman I spoke to about our claim # and etc...and I distinctly remember her telling me to keep all the paper work forever, because in 30 years if my daughter has flash backs or my son or me, NY covers us for life. I should probably write a thank you note to someone. thanks again, Olivia

Morning Glory

Hi Olivia,

I was raped at 10 years old and went though physical abuse for years with my kids father. He took his own life. I was a widow with 2 children by the time I was 22 years old. I think being raped might be why we chose abusive relationships.

My kids were sexually abused and tortured by a man who rented a room from me when they were kids. I would put them to bed and go out for a couple of hours with my boyfriend at the time. This guy was very evil. I think he was a part of a ring of child molesters. It was so traumatic for my kids that they blocked it out and didn't tell me. My daughter told me a little at the time. It was enough to call the police and kick the guy out, but she didn't tell me enough to have him convicted. He went on to do terrible things to children for 26 more years. He was just caught by homeland security for what he was doing. He will probably die in prison. Right now he is appealing saying he has a constitutional right to the child pornography, which is the crime they caught him for although they have numerous reports of child molestation also.

My kids and I all have PTSD. Both my kids turned to alcohol. My daughter has been sober for 12 years. My son is working on it. My daughter remembered everything a few years ago and had terrible flashbacks. She worked hard through therapy and got through it. She still has flashbacks, but she can cope with them now. My son hasn't remembered much yet. When I found all this out I lost a part of myself too. I don't have DID, but some part of me just seemed to die. The guilt of not knowing to protect my children was more than I could handle I think. It was such a shock. I can look back today and still can't see any signs that would have given me some clue.

My daughter still has flashbacks, but she copes with them very well. She doesn't have the startle response like I do or the damage to her nervous system. My nervous system is shot. I did not have flashbacks that were random. I remembered all at once and faced it when I remembered it. I went through sheer terror, but it was over faster. I had around 40 buried memories like that and it took about 5 years to get through all of them. Each of my memories took about 4 days to surface from start to finish. I would have a memory come up every 2 or 3 months. It seems that those who have the random visual flashbacks have it harder and it lasts longer. We don't get to choose how we do it though. I do know what it feels like to be terrified and re-live what happened from a child's perspective. The terror I felt was the terror of a child. Sometimes after I remembered it I couldn't believe that such a small thing could create so much terror. It would in a small child though. All of this was so hard I don't know how I endured it. There were a couple of times I didn't think I would.

I've learned to cope with my PTSD most of the time. No more anxiety or panic attacks. I do have that nervous system problem I'll have to live with though. It is not much fun at all.

You are not alone.

Hugs,
MG

Leslie1210

Dear Olivia,
I can also relate to your post. I was so busy trying to raise my son and stay one step ahead of things that I did not start working on my own trauma until he was getting older. I remember one night he came home and was very excited to report to me that he had found a knife in the alley. He was coming to hand it to me and I just flipped. As Morning Glory said, I felt complete terror..had nothing to do with him.
But I will say this, in the long run my son understands and admires the work I've had to do to heal. Sometimes the outcome is something we don't see for many years.
A general age for women to start looking at their own trauma, begins at about the age you are now. And there is a fair amount of shock that goes along with it. Like, why now? After all the work I've done.. why am I not better? It is a time where we begin to shed a certian skin for a new wiser look at life. But it also brings up other things which can be just plain debilitating.
I think your anger is right on and part of the process. I also think anger can be really creative. It's a new "NO" that needs it's own validation and gives room to a new YES to ourselves.
I worked on abuse issues in different ways until I hit 40 and then all at once..there was the main abuse right in my face. Bam! just like that.
I think I had grown enough to finally remember the entire event and I went right into therapy.
We all have different ways of getting there but we are each on this very brave road.
warm hugs to you,
Leslie

olivia1970

Thank you Morning Glory & Leslie!!

Today is not as bad as yesterday, I was able to sleep for a couple hours in the early morning after my kids left for school. I even did laundry! I feel silly for just bragging about two things that shouldn't be considered "monumental' but for some reason I am proud of it.

Reading your posts, brought on a flow of tears that I haven't cried in a long time...I've been so damn angry...maybe my anger will soften now that I have a place to come too and know that I am not alone. Thanks again, I have to get working on my term paper for school, which I have put off finishing for two days. Wish me luck, this is my first college course ever! Obviously I don't have to worry about meeting the minium word count of a thousand...give me a chance to express myself and I'll never shut up!
Hugs to everyone,
Olivia
Thanks again...I know today is going to be a better already...that worry is gone.

olivia1970

I'm such a jerk, please forgive me Morning Glory and Leslie...I was all wrapped up about me...me...me..me that I didn't acknowledge the suffering you both have been through and your children. I'm so sorry that their are evil people in this world...but it's because of them I'm working on my BA in Criminal Justice. Thanks again for sharing, it really did help, and I'll try my hardest not to be al about "ME" in future.
Olivia

Leslie1210

I am proud when I get the laundry done and I have no excuse! LOL
I put a trauma link in this forum.. might be helpful.
Leslie

Morning Glory

Good luck on your term paper.

It can be all about you for as long as you need it to be.
It's not like we can just walk up to anyone and talk about these things.