Confused?!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Utah
Posts: 80
Confused?!
My husband told me that the reason the family fights and I get moody is because of the music we listen too. I listen to rock which usually hard rock and the kids like rap. I figure that perhaps he is right on this. I know I have many issues including drugs alcohol, self-harmer,eating disorder, and am manic-depressive. My husband also has his own issues. My dad was abusive and controlling to my mom. I married my husband, at the age of 18, right out of high school. He is a loving and caring husband and father in many ways. However, he has a very violent temper. I never allow him to discipline the kids. I did when the kids were younger. However, he had lost his temper a couple of time. Which once gave our oldest so a black eye at the age of 7. We ended up with the school and everyone involved. From that time I never allowed him to discipline the kids. However, I so much need his help with our 3 sons... He goes into these violent rages and almost anything can set them off.He was like this during the years I was clean and when I was not clean. The reason I have never left because my husband makes very good money. I could never ever give our children the things my husband does. Plus, I am very afraid of my husband to leave him...He can be so loving and will do anything for me and the next minute totally different...I am dealing with this same kind of behavior now with my teen sons. My daughter's friend has a boyfriend is abusive.I had a talked to my daughter about this. Her reply back to me was that all men are like that. She then mention that her dad treats me that way. Boy was this shock...Recently, I been having some issues with my daughter...She told me she is tired of the fighting between me and my dad. She was very upset about the way her dad and his rages. I feel it is all my fault because of the drugs and everything. I try to keep the house spotless.
I have tried everything. I do not know if I should stay or is I should run. If I run then where do I run to...Perhaps all my issues is what drives my husband to his rages. Then again he is like this when I am completely clean. I am really hurt for all what my daughter told me yesterday. Then again I probably needed hear these things. For once I need to put my kids first, but I do not know how to do so..
I have tried everything. I do not know if I should stay or is I should run. If I run then where do I run to...Perhaps all my issues is what drives my husband to his rages. Then again he is like this when I am completely clean. I am really hurt for all what my daughter told me yesterday. Then again I probably needed hear these things. For once I need to put my kids first, but I do not know how to do so..
Member
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: North Vancouver, British Columbia
Posts: 1,714
Hi Karlee - this link has some info you may find helpful.
http://soberrecovery.com/forums/anxi...ctim-role.html
There are some other posts around here on domestic violence and I will try to find those links for you as well.
http://soberrecovery.com/forums/anxi...ctim-role.html
There are some other posts around here on domestic violence and I will try to find those links for you as well.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: North Vancouver, British Columbia
Posts: 1,714
Tactics used by Abusive People -
http://soberrecovery.com/forums/showthread.php?t=47269
Are you emotionally abused? -
http://soberrecovery.com/forums/showthread.php?t=47355
Understanding family violence including its relationship to alcohol -
http://soberrecovery.com/forums/showthread.php?t=47775
Practical Tips -
http://soberrecovery.com/forums/showthread.php?t=49096
Tips on Leaving an abusive relationship -
http://soberrecovery.com/forums/showthread.php?t=50620
http://soberrecovery.com/forums/showthread.php?t=47269
Are you emotionally abused? -
http://soberrecovery.com/forums/showthread.php?t=47355
Understanding family violence including its relationship to alcohol -
http://soberrecovery.com/forums/showthread.php?t=47775
Practical Tips -
http://soberrecovery.com/forums/showthread.php?t=49096
Tips on Leaving an abusive relationship -
http://soberrecovery.com/forums/showthread.php?t=50620
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Utah
Posts: 80
I read the posts
I read the posts. My husband uses almost all of those tactics. I feel I have no choices. My husband does not allow me to have friends or go any where.
I do go to church, but not often. I do go almost every Friday for the addiction's program. My husband would never allow me to take the kids and my kids would never come. They are all teens 14 yrs and older. They have their friends etc... here around the neighborhood. Then I feel so guilty and feel that I am much to blame. Then when my husband blows his top like he did this past Sunday. He will be all sorry and get all nice. He has never ever told me verbally he is sorry.However, he will do housework or buy me treats or flowers etc...This is tearing me apart. Sometimes I use drugs just so I can just to escape from his screaming and calling me names. I know that he is very dangerous and could kill me someday. One time we were cleaning the kitchen after one of our children's birthday party. He got mad at me because i asked him to help me. He threw a butcher knife across the kitchen into the sink. The knife barely missed me because I was standing right in front of the sink washing thedishes. He has done things like that in the pass. I love him and and I feel he loves me and the kids. However, anymore I do not know.
My church Pastor and his wife said the only Bibical reason to divorce is if my husband commited adultry. My husband always blames me for his rages. It is because my addictions, my manic-0depressive and so on. So, is it my fault?
My autistic 17 yr., 18 in June, is starting to get violent with me. My 16 yr. daughter thinks it is okay for men to treat women this way. I have noone to turn too. I do not trust the women shelters here. I live in a state that men are always in the right. I live in the center of mormon counrty. The police and everyone will backup the husband long before they ever will the wife. I know this by experience from other women that I know. So, I feel so lost. Then again. Perhaps, all my addictions and my manic depression is the cause of all of this. Perhaps I do deserve this...I feel like I am just barely hold on. If it were not for Jesus encouraging me to stay for my kids. I think I would of commited suicide a very long time ago...It just that I am so tire of everything. Then having to walk on egg-shells everyday. Just so I do not upset my husband..I feel so desperate and alone.
I do go to church, but not often. I do go almost every Friday for the addiction's program. My husband would never allow me to take the kids and my kids would never come. They are all teens 14 yrs and older. They have their friends etc... here around the neighborhood. Then I feel so guilty and feel that I am much to blame. Then when my husband blows his top like he did this past Sunday. He will be all sorry and get all nice. He has never ever told me verbally he is sorry.However, he will do housework or buy me treats or flowers etc...This is tearing me apart. Sometimes I use drugs just so I can just to escape from his screaming and calling me names. I know that he is very dangerous and could kill me someday. One time we were cleaning the kitchen after one of our children's birthday party. He got mad at me because i asked him to help me. He threw a butcher knife across the kitchen into the sink. The knife barely missed me because I was standing right in front of the sink washing thedishes. He has done things like that in the pass. I love him and and I feel he loves me and the kids. However, anymore I do not know.
My church Pastor and his wife said the only Bibical reason to divorce is if my husband commited adultry. My husband always blames me for his rages. It is because my addictions, my manic-0depressive and so on. So, is it my fault?
My autistic 17 yr., 18 in June, is starting to get violent with me. My 16 yr. daughter thinks it is okay for men to treat women this way. I have noone to turn too. I do not trust the women shelters here. I live in a state that men are always in the right. I live in the center of mormon counrty. The police and everyone will backup the husband long before they ever will the wife. I know this by experience from other women that I know. So, I feel so lost. Then again. Perhaps, all my addictions and my manic depression is the cause of all of this. Perhaps I do deserve this...I feel like I am just barely hold on. If it were not for Jesus encouraging me to stay for my kids. I think I would of commited suicide a very long time ago...It just that I am so tire of everything. Then having to walk on egg-shells everyday. Just so I do not upset my husband..I feel so desperate and alone.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Karlee...
Have you asked yourself what YOU want in life?
For me, the answer is ... peace and love.
That's all I REALLY want, yet I allowed myself to be surrounded by violence, chaos and anger.
Notice - I did not say that I was the victim of violence, chaos and anger.... I ALLOWED myself to be surrounded by these things.
The only way to change things... is to change things.
From what I've read, I would say you are doing many of the right things. The one thing I see missing is "action".
Violence is an excellent reason to separate from a spouse. You don't have to divorce, but I do believe that separation can help the abused get well enough EMOTIONALLY to be able to think of the next right thing. Getting away from your husband may save your life.
Stopping using drugs and alcohol may take other sorts of actions. If you are unable to quit on your own, perhaps you can seek out a program that can help you quit. That is action that belongs only to you.
An eating disorder, is often another manifestation of addiction, and you may discover you are much better able to handle the eating disorder if you can work a program of recovery.
None of this has to cost a lot of money.
Check with a women's shelter for resources on getting away from the violence.
Go to several Alanon meetings.
Check out some AA and NA meetings and perhaps find a study group that works on the 12 steps.
Knowledge is good - you are making a good start. But it takes action in addition to the knowledge.
With love,
(((hugs)))
Have you asked yourself what YOU want in life?
For me, the answer is ... peace and love.
That's all I REALLY want, yet I allowed myself to be surrounded by violence, chaos and anger.
Notice - I did not say that I was the victim of violence, chaos and anger.... I ALLOWED myself to be surrounded by these things.
The only way to change things... is to change things.
From what I've read, I would say you are doing many of the right things. The one thing I see missing is "action".
Violence is an excellent reason to separate from a spouse. You don't have to divorce, but I do believe that separation can help the abused get well enough EMOTIONALLY to be able to think of the next right thing. Getting away from your husband may save your life.
Stopping using drugs and alcohol may take other sorts of actions. If you are unable to quit on your own, perhaps you can seek out a program that can help you quit. That is action that belongs only to you.
An eating disorder, is often another manifestation of addiction, and you may discover you are much better able to handle the eating disorder if you can work a program of recovery.
None of this has to cost a lot of money.
Check with a women's shelter for resources on getting away from the violence.
Go to several Alanon meetings.
Check out some AA and NA meetings and perhaps find a study group that works on the 12 steps.
Knowledge is good - you are making a good start. But it takes action in addition to the knowledge.
With love,
(((hugs)))
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by karlee 
However, anymore I do not know.
My church Pastor and his wife said the only Bibical reason to divorce is if my husband commited adultry. Divorce is not the only option.
Separation is not divorce.
It is better to live on a roof alone then to live in a quarrelsome house.
My husband always blames me for his rages. ...
My 16 yr. daughter thinks it is okay for men to treat women this way.
It took my sister seeing what was happening to her children before she said enough is enough. Your 16 year old will go out and seek the same kind of husband and think it is normal for him to beat her and yell at her.
My church Pastor and his wife said the only Bibical reason to divorce is if my husband commited adultry. Divorce is not the only option.
Separation is not divorce.
It is better to live on a roof alone then to live in a quarrelsome house.
My husband always blames me for his rages. ...
My 16 yr. daughter thinks it is okay for men to treat women this way.
It took my sister seeing what was happening to her children before she said enough is enough. Your 16 year old will go out and seek the same kind of husband and think it is normal for him to beat her and yell at her.
Look for answers for them. Stop the cycle before it continues. There are support groups...even in Utah. When you realize the need you will find them I am sure.
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