DaVinci2

I posted about my wife and her constant cleaning habits etc. Today, we got into a bit of a fight. It's that time of the month, and I know she is a bit sensative. I was very very careful in what I said and the advice I tried to give her. Unforunately, this is not just a PMS thing. The PMS just brings it out more.

Basically, she says that she hates herself. She has no reason (IMO) to hate herself. She does above and beyond what any other person I know does. She takes care of her sick mother and father (Which is hard when you're an only child in Japan) she works full-time (Promoted to supervisor for being in the top 10 of 500 operators at her company) and does her best to take care of me as well. Still, she feels as though she doesn't do enough. When the apartment is not clean, she cleans because she feels it's 'her' job. If I make sure all is clean before she comes home, she finds something else to get upset about. It's constant battle.

Today, her day-off, I told her to relax, have a glass of wine, enjoy some TV or a book. She couldn't. All she saw was stuff, not just cleaning, that had to be done. I told her it could wait, and anything that needed to be done I could do since I only had a few hours of work to do.

It's now 7pm, and she just finished crying her eyes out about how she hates herself and that this hate makes her angry at others (She often gets upset at her mother when she shouldn't IMO). I sent an email asking if I had a clean shirt for the day after tomorrow, just asking so that I know whether or not to make time to bring one to the cleaners. This sent her on another 'trip'. She feels that by not having 'read my mind' in that I needed a shirt, that she is at fault for it.

I don't know how to describe this any better. I told her about this forum, and even though her English is great (She's Japanese) she doesn't have the confidence to sit here at type in English and expect to understand any responses.

I suggested couceling or group therap. Her answer "No. That will just make me feel worse. I don't want to sit with other crazy people around me." She feels that perhaps being with others that have similar issues, she's grouping herself with crazies even though I explained that neither her or they are crazy. I ask her to see a doctor, but doctors here in Japan will label her very quickly as being depressed, give her meds, and send her on her way without talking with her for very long.

I told her I would right this post and look for suggestions. Hope some are thrown this way...

PS. I suggested yoga to relax, but she threw that one out the window very quickly saying "To do yoga properly you need an instructor." There was no convincing her otherwise. It seems every idea I have to make life easier is shot down.

ccgirl

DaVinci; Haven't I read that Japanese people are very much overachievers in most aspects of their lives? That will be a tough hurdle to overcome. If your wife doesn't want group therapy, individual therapy will be so helpful; if not what about her regular doctor? The thing is though, you really have to want help to get help.

DaVinci2

Yes and no. The more modern Japanese are not as over-achieving as they used to be. Western influences, the ability to move overseas and more western companies coming this way have made it easier. It's still a stressful life for many though. I would say parents put a lot of pressure on their kids...she doesn't have this pressure. She used to live in Arizona and didn't have the stress she has now. She has the ability to overcome this...

I don't know that she will want to go to individual therapy. Problem is, everthing I suggest she rejects. When I ask "Do you want help? Do you feel you need help?" She says she does...but when I ask "What kind of help." She doesn't know. She just turns down all ideas I have...

nevergivingup

Maybe she's just not ready to get help. I know for myself, being a real controller, getting better and dealing with stress has always been something that I want/need to accomplish on my own. I think ultimately she knows how to make herself feel better but may feel like she needs to go through what she's going through right now.

You can't make her get help. But, you can help make her feel better about herself. I know these things seem superficial, but perhaps doing little things to make her feel loved would help get her through her day and motivate her to want to enjoy her day like buying her flowers or leaving her cards with messages on them. Just a suggestion!!!!

Much love and hugs!

DaVinci2

I do these things. I will make her lunch and put a little love letter in her lunchbox. I will come home with a present for no reason. I will go the extra mile with many things. I do them because I hope, that even for a moment, if she is happy and forgets about everything else around her, then I'm happy in that moment.

A lot of her stress comes from dealing with her mother. Her mother has Parkinsons syndrome, and is quite old. She gets angry at her easily, and she knows that it's wrong, but she can't help it. I often have to step in and remove her from the room and tell her that I will deal with whatever is happening. An example: Yesterday she was complaining to her mother that she doesn't exercise her legs enough. I agree. She doesn't. BUT instead of trying to motivate her, she talked down and got upset. I removed her from the room and told her that I would talk with her. I got her up out of bed and acted as kind of an instructor on how to walk from one end of the hallway to the other. Her mother did it, and worked hard at it. When all was said and done, I thought "Good job." but my wife was quick to critisize her with comments like "Why can't you do that everyday like you said you would." I then have to step in and say "Be positive, she did well today. Tell her that and she'll have no reason not to do it tomorrow. Talk down to her and she'll wonder 'why bother'." BUT in saying this, I upset my wife. My wife knows, she says she knows, that what she says to her mother is wrong, and how she deals with her mother is wrong...but she doesn't know what to do. And at this point, neither do I.

Bozo

My first thought was she is angry and resentful at her workload and her pride wont let her ask for help. I think when she says she hates herself, she means she hates the fact that she is overwhelmed and somehow, someway, she is letting someone down.

My wife is antsy like that and a workaholic. She got that from her Dad, he is a nervous wreck when he comes to the house and I always have to have a "project" planned for him to work on.

For myself, I find it very difficult at times to live with a person that does not know how to relax, I feel your stress.

ccgirl

Is she maybe clinically depressed? I know when my mood takes a nosedive, I criticize my loved ones, even when they're trying to be helpful.

But, it all goes back to the fact that you can't receive help if you don't want it. Maybe you could get one of those tests off the internet that ask questions about depression, i.e. "do you feel any pleasure in your life" "do you feel hopeless" etc. Maybe if she saw something in writing it may make her think.

Also, are there any home health companies that could come help her mom a little? Or some kind of physical therapy?

rusty443

i suffer from ocd (obsessive compulsive disorder) the stress of the death of my fiancee bought it on among other things, when i am pre-menstrual it seems to get worse, instaed of taking things out on people close to me i seem to take it out on the cleaning. i have recently made an appointment to seek help with this as my partner feels so helpless when it happens. have an appointment with my doctor next week. i sought help with my problems with alcoholism and now feel its time to seek help with the ocd. there's support out there for almost anything these days and i'm determined to find the support needed for this problem.

the doctor is my first step

ccgirl

Davinci, I read a few posts back about the nice things you do for her, ie making lunch, etc. That's wonderful. However, if she still hates herself she's probably not going to be all that responsive. I've been there. My husband could run around in circles trying to help and do twenty five thing right and I would point out the one thing wrong he did. Sometimes I can't believe he's stuck it out with me for 27 years! Again, I can only say she needs professional help. I hope she will seek it.

Codieneaddict

I'm sorry about your loss. That must be hard.

I have OCD too. It plain sucks. Mine is mostly obsessive. I have 2 OCD forums that I go to. If you would like the links just pm me.