Hi,

I didn't appreciate that whole preaching about how life isn't depressing. You're not the one who got the right to tell me how to think. For your info a few facts:

- Yes of course that 'life is all negative' comment should be taken as sarcasm, that's my wicked sense of humor.

- I have improved a lot in my life, I do a lot of things, I am all in all not such a negative person.

- I like do practise some philosophy at times, yes tends to be a bit on the nihilistic/depressing side (ie: my comments we're just getting closer to dead the longer we live) it's an interesting contradiction to think about.

And hey sorry about your field of work but in a way we all get to deal with doom and gloom sometimes, yes even in an online chatroom, I'm not one for flowers, love and hugs all the time.

You got your points of view, I got mine, it might be a good idea to be respectful.

Marte

Hi Marte,

I am so sorry you have taken some of my comments the wrong way. That day when I POLITELY excused myself from chat, I was feeling burnt from the day. I told you I was going to leave, that I was sorry for "running out" but I needed at that point to occupy myself with something that wouldn't trigger me (ie something not dealing with doom/gloom/depression/etc)

I am sorry you find me to be disrespectful towards you. In my opinion, I have gone out of my way to be nothing but helpful, courteous, empathetic and if nothing else, a shoulder to lean upon or an ear to listen. You on the other hand have cussed me out on countless occassions, have threatened to leave SMART probably 20 or so times and have suddenly split from the chat if/when I wasn't saying exactly what you wanted to hear at a given time, therefore cutting me off. I think perhaps it is not I who needs to "check" herself at this point. If you want respect, sometimes you have to give it (back) I have given this alot of thought, Marte. I feel the nature of our "relationship" is unhealthy. When I *see* you in chat, I do not know what to expect... there appears to be extreme versions of "Marte", from fun/polite/empathetic etc. to crass/mean/scary. We all have multiple sides, we are all complex beings. What I am saying is, is that when I *see* you in chat I feel very anxious, not knowing sometimes 5 minutes to the next which "Marte" is going to emerge. I do not mean this to be at all hurtful and I hope you read it in the spirit in which it is intended.

My intention is to let you know how I have been feeling and to reply to this pm in which you've initiated. I am almost expecting an angry reponse from you because that is what I have received many times in the past. If you are angry that is ok, we all have anger. Keep in mind when I say "I am here for you" it doesn't mean "lay your anger here, unto me". I am not a punching bag, I am not even a can you can kick down the street. Please think before you speak and know that there is another human being with feelings at the other end of the chat.

I know you are hurting and are scared, Marte, but I am not sure how to help. I have anger inside myself, too. One way I have learned to help myslef is by expressing those feeling of anger in healthy ways and NOT displacing that anger onto others. I hope that makes sense.

I have seen some real growth in you during your time at SMART. I wish you only the best and much happiness along your chosen path. Thanks for listening.

Geez uhh how old is this PM? I musta been PMS'ing while I wrote it. But it looks like you wanted to get some feelings out you never dared to tell me before. I appreciate your honesty.

Anyway back to your message. I'm sorry you feel scared and what not by me and I'm also sorry you felt there's more to us than just being online buddies, cuz for me, there's not. I'm not angry tho, why would I be? I'm just sorry you feel that way towards me, I really am not such a bad person, just misunderstood a lot of the time. I don't threaten to leave anymore or anything but I am really sorry I leave such a 'schizophrenic' impression on you. And the last thing I wanted to do was make you feel uncomfortable. If it makes you feel better, [name censored], then I will just not talk to you, that's fine with me, it really is. I still don't think I am a bad person, I just did some bad things in the past. Anyway yeah I guess that's what I'll do, I will just not talk to you since it seems to scare you.

Again, I'm not angry just very sad about this PM. The fact you're expecting me to reply in anger makes me sad already.

Take care of yourself,
Marte

Ps - this doesn't mean I'll put you on ignore or anything. If there are problems and you need help or anything, I'm there for you. Tho I feel you won't contact me, you always can.