Crashnburn

I'm currently on unemployment.
I used the time to organize my life, & quit using drugs.
My boss called today. She uses like crazy, & even when she isn't has prescribed painkillers that she needs to live. (we think)
Umm, it's tons, smoking and coffee too. Which, I had quit smoking while working but didn't make it..
They smoke pot, & have even used coke while I've been on shift, in every room...Weed all day long, it's how they live, & I used to too..
I do not want to post too much about the job itself...In the interest of their and my anonymity...But, it was bad.
She's also abusive, & I'm pretty much a doormat IRL.. (adult child of an alcoholic)
Wednesday, I have to go out to their house, & discuss whether or not I want to come back to work for them.. I'm terrified.
I should probably mention that we're also friends, & have been for over a decade. She's rich, & powerful. I do like her.
But, I don't want to go back...
She's very good at using guilt and psychology as weapons, & is real pushy. She'll even make threats to get what she wants..

I let it drop on the phone that I got clean..I'm hoping they'll decide on their own to let me go.

(I hope this is the right place for this post...I wasn't sure where to put it.)

StrongR2Day

I walked off two jobs early in recovery because of that issue. One was with an old friend. Such a good friend I never got my last paycheck for the hours I worked (he knew I was early in recovery). We haven't spoken since.

At that point, I had to decide if I was willing to go to any length to stay sober. I did the leg work and a better job followed immediately afterwards.

Can't tell you what to do, just what worked for me.

Crashnburn

Ok, I read your post a while back..I agree with you. I know that I should flat out say no...
I'm scared, I fold fast..Have trouble saying no..
She'll try to manipulate me out of paranoia. I've seen lots of her financial data...
She's got money, but is on some serious meds (opiates) and suffers possibly worse PTSD than I do. Looking back on it I suspect that's how we hooked up in the first place..
Another friend told me it sounds like she collects damaged people, & uses money to manipulate them...Sounds right to me.
They like people working with them that use. I've noticed there's nobody clean there...
I think I need help with my doormat issues.
I'm already worried about her reaction..Should I be? Should I be concerned about salvaging the friendship..? She throws fits, temper tantrums, & the like.
I still feel weak. I've done nothing less than change my whole lifestyle. I even quit wearing makeup...Everything.
I do want approval... Why do I care? How do I stop?

BigSis

(((Crashnburn))) ... my sponsor told me once that "No" is a complete sentence.

Is there some reason you HAVE to go to her home? Just call her and leave her the message... short and to the point, without any finger pointing.

I can't see putting yourself into a risky situation or exactly why you need this woman in your life?

I don't see 'friendship' in what you've posted about her... but manipulation and using. A friend allows me to disagree and a friend allows me to have opinions and a friend encourages my good mental and physical health.

I wish you the best.

Crashnburn

I still have her cell phone. (company cell phone) I also have her birthday present. (late) I printed out part of the PTSD information for her...Maybe I should just phone this one in, & mail the rest?
It'll mean the end of my unemployment for sure, she's vindictive...It'll also mean we might not be able to find time to move. My SO works six days a week. A new job will see us both being overwrought...
I don't feel real secure in my recovery yet. I've been staying in the house lots.
I don't have a sponser...Meetings here in the city where I live are crawling with people hitting on you, & I've got some social anxiety to boot. I'm really scared.

StrongR2Day

I'm not sure I understand. You don't work there, but you are planning this meeting? Why would you need to go and subject yourself to this right now?

Aren't you just getting clean/sober? I really am quite confused, not trying to be unkind. I must be missing something.

We worry about the other issues (i.e. your reference to being a doormat) later in recovery, at first it's all about just getting and staying clean/sober. The rest of the stuff comes in time.

BigSis

I vote to mail her the cell phone and the present (? I don't purchase presents for my boss - I contribute to a group present or card.... sometimes - just FYI).

Unemployment doesn't last forever, you will need a new job at some point anyway - why not now?

Job searches can be fun - I hope you discover some wonderful new stuff about yourself, and leave her and her sick workplace far behind.

Crashnburn

I added a little bit to my post. I'm alone. Not twelve stepping. I found this forum by accident.
I got clean by myself. My SO though very supportive was just as good at enabling.

We were friends for over a decade.

Thanks for both of your replies.

StrongR2Day

I understand a bit better, we must have posted at close to the same time.

I'm with BigSis, I would just mail it. It sounds like that would be the best way to practice self care. Saying No, and meaning it, might be something you want to start tackling with smaller fish.

BigSis

(((Crashburn)))) I just reread my post to you - I didn't intend it to sound so judgmental, but having a judgmental attitude IS one my character defects, so I apologize for not hearing how that sounded sooner. I apologize if you were offended... heck, even if you weren't!

I am worried that your boss has muddied the waters between friendship and supervisor and drug dealer. The one between friend and supervisor is already a difficult one to keep straight.... add in the other two, and POWEEE.... I think there is no way you can be ANYthing but a victim.

Cleaning up that relationship might mean getting her OUT of using with you and getting her OUT of having the power of being your supervisor.... and see then if she really is able to be your "friend".

You are the one who has the power to change this relationship, and your sobriety comes absolutely FIRST. When I got sober, I lost ALL my drinking buddies, and it took a while for me to realize that the basis of my relationship with those folks WAS the booze. Without it, we had no relationship.

But that's ok, because I found some other friends.

I do wish you well, and hope you can find your way to maintaining your sobriety.

Crashnburn

Ok, I bought a birthday card for her. I think I'm going to leave a note in it expressing how much I care about her, but that I simply can't be around now..

That sound good?
I'm going to overnight it to her tommorow, should hopefully make it there by wednesday..I may have to unplug the phone for a day or so.
She's got the kind of personality that overpowers mine, & I just can't face her. The more I mulled it over, more scared I got to be back around that influence.

I do feel like a coward though. Typically, I face my fears, force myself to.

I'll start looking for a job real soon. Nothing is worth giving up my being clean & sober.

Thanks BigSis, & StrongR2Day.

Crashnburn

Done, & mailed..
They said it would get there by noon tommorow.
If I'm not around for a day or so it means I had to pull the plug on the phone.

StrongR2Day

Heck, I don't like being a wimp either, but something is a threat to me in any way shape or form, I'd better walk away.

I think what you did was practicing self care. That's a good thing! Congratulations.

Crashnburn

Thank you! I still kinda loathe myself for being weak, but reading that helps.

Crashnburn

I'm a little tense today..Got confronted last night with just how scatterbrained I've really been lately....
Ringer on/off button..Duh!

You know..Even though I know this was the right thing to do..I'm afraid that she'll show up here, worried that she'll show everyone the card..Silly, I know.

She always used obligations/guilt as control factors on me. My inability to say no when someone acts needy. She was incredibly abusive at the same time..Extremely intelligent person.

She's on morphine and tons of other stuff..Prescribed..However, her use of other drugs is immense..
I was reading about the receptors, & synapses in the brain..Her cocaine abuse will just increase her pain..Thus, increasing her need for painkillers....Though, I am trying not to dwell on it, I do wonder if someone as highly educated, as manipulative as her doesn't already know this.

Meh! *shakes head* ..Not worth dwelling on this stuff...Just staying with my own recovery.

Crashnburn

Friggin light on the phone has been going nuts!..*sigh of relief* I'm glad I shut the ringer off!

PaperDolls

Crash - You are not a coward. You did face your fears and confronted them head-on. Your priority is yourself and staying clean/sober. You realized that this could be a huge trigger for you and you saved yourself from that possibility by thinking it over and making a sensible decision.

Congrats! Stay strong!!!

hugs,
doll

Crashnburn

Thanks, PaperDolls!

PaperDolls

You're welcome! It's the truth.

daydream

Hey, Crashnburn, I just found this thread. How ya holding up?