Anxiety makes dealing with ABF even harder
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 30
Anxiety makes dealing with ABF even harder
I went through an AWFUL divorce about 5 years ago. I ended up on Zoloft which unfortunately made it impossible for me to sleep. So on top of being a complete basketcase, I couldn't even sleep to recharge. I went to a counselor who diagnosed me with generalized anxiety disorder. He hit the nail on the head.
I have always been a worrier. I am also super responsible and being the oldest child of 3, I was always held to a higher standard than my siblings. For that reason, I don't give myself a lot of slack when it comes to my life. If something has to be done, I tend to take it on myself and not ask for help until I'm so frustrated that I am at the end of my rope. I also worry about things and I tend to always expect the worst.
I don't drink often. I can count the number of drinks I've had in the last year on one hand. I don't do drugs, I don't even take medications unless absolutely necessary. I am pretty straight laced. My only vice is sugar. I have a history of alcoholism and substance abuse in my family so I make a point to not go down that road. My grandpa died at 52 from alcohol related heart disease.
I know that dealing with my ABF is a lot harder because of my anxiety. I fear the worst, and I can't deal with the stress of taking care of an irrational, angry drunk person. The only way I can cope is to either get angry at him for making me feel so anxious or just leave him alone downstairs while I go upstairs and hide out. He has done things like text other women he worked with and tells them they have a nice body and how if he wasn't with someone he would "hit it". Or he looks at some really hardcore porn. It upsets me and I get really distant because I have low self-esteem and can't understand why if I love him so much he has to look at other women or talk to other women. I feel like sex with him after that is just my body being used while he fantasizes about them. I am not "beautiful". I have PCOS which causes weight gain so I am chubby and not thin and sexy like the girls he looks at. This makes it WAY WORSE for me in my mind.
I feel trapped in my own mind alot. Its winter in Indiana and so going out for a walk is out of the question. I have a gym membership but the noisy gym doesn't really help me relax much. I come home to unwind and with him drinking it stresses me out so I never really relax completely.
Can anyone give me advice on how to cope with things?
I have always been a worrier. I am also super responsible and being the oldest child of 3, I was always held to a higher standard than my siblings. For that reason, I don't give myself a lot of slack when it comes to my life. If something has to be done, I tend to take it on myself and not ask for help until I'm so frustrated that I am at the end of my rope. I also worry about things and I tend to always expect the worst.
I don't drink often. I can count the number of drinks I've had in the last year on one hand. I don't do drugs, I don't even take medications unless absolutely necessary. I am pretty straight laced. My only vice is sugar. I have a history of alcoholism and substance abuse in my family so I make a point to not go down that road. My grandpa died at 52 from alcohol related heart disease.
I know that dealing with my ABF is a lot harder because of my anxiety. I fear the worst, and I can't deal with the stress of taking care of an irrational, angry drunk person. The only way I can cope is to either get angry at him for making me feel so anxious or just leave him alone downstairs while I go upstairs and hide out. He has done things like text other women he worked with and tells them they have a nice body and how if he wasn't with someone he would "hit it". Or he looks at some really hardcore porn. It upsets me and I get really distant because I have low self-esteem and can't understand why if I love him so much he has to look at other women or talk to other women. I feel like sex with him after that is just my body being used while he fantasizes about them. I am not "beautiful". I have PCOS which causes weight gain so I am chubby and not thin and sexy like the girls he looks at. This makes it WAY WORSE for me in my mind.
I feel trapped in my own mind alot. Its winter in Indiana and so going out for a walk is out of the question. I have a gym membership but the noisy gym doesn't really help me relax much. I come home to unwind and with him drinking it stresses me out so I never really relax completely.
Can anyone give me advice on how to cope with things?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Manchester
Posts: 19
Hey Rougelily,
Get yourself some earphones, put some music on your iPod or phone and get yourself to the gym. You'll find listening to your own music will help you block everyone else out. If music doesn't relax you try down loading a pod cast that interests you. You'll soon realise that everyone there is doing the same.
I can also recommend Mindfulness to help you relax. There are some good free apps that help with your breathing and anxiety.
Your ABF doesn't sound like he does you any favours either.
I hope you start to feel better soon
Get yourself some earphones, put some music on your iPod or phone and get yourself to the gym. You'll find listening to your own music will help you block everyone else out. If music doesn't relax you try down loading a pod cast that interests you. You'll soon realise that everyone there is doing the same.
I can also recommend Mindfulness to help you relax. There are some good free apps that help with your breathing and anxiety.
Your ABF doesn't sound like he does you any favours either.
I hope you start to feel better soon
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 30
Thank you so much. I think I have a lot of trauma from childhood. My dad was a very angry person, he would snap at us and just scream at my mother. I watched him break things and leave, threatening to not come back dozen of times. I watched my mother cower and tell him what he wanted to hear to stop him from leaving. I think I learned indirectly that in order to keep people around we have to appease them and not get upset. This has created A LOT of anxiety and fear in me.I always gravitated towards men who were on the cusp of being mentally ill and most didn't respect me one bit. The first boyfriend I ever had was bipolar, and he played a lot of mindgames, which tore apart my 15 year old brain. My next BF was a nice enough guy, but he mooched off me and I spent a lot of my college savings making him happy. I broke it off with him after three year and then I was married to a very vacant man, who expected a housewife and sexbot not a partner. I finally got the guts to divorce him after he had an affair with a co-worker and I finally had some peace. I met my current ABF and now I'm back to being an anxious, panic ridden basketcase again.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Manchester
Posts: 19
I'm sure you're not a basket case at all, but it doesn't sound like your partner is the guy for you.
You should be with someone that makes you feel good about yourself. I know that's easy for me to say. I hope you manage to start feeling better about yourself
You should be with someone that makes you feel good about yourself. I know that's easy for me to say. I hope you manage to start feeling better about yourself
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I think you would really benefit from a recovery group like Al Anon or Celebrate Recovery.
Therapy would also help you stop trying to fix your childhood by picking men like your father - unavailable/angry/abusive.
That's what we do, you know? Try to fix our unfixable past by "fixing" new people. It so doesn't work.
Therapy would also help you stop trying to fix your childhood by picking men like your father - unavailable/angry/abusive.
That's what we do, you know? Try to fix our unfixable past by "fixing" new people. It so doesn't work.
New Life Sober
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Noblesville, IN
Posts: 777
Hello lily,
I never been diagnosis with anxiety, but I know I have Social Anxiety. I also worried a lot myself. It seems like you been through some stuff and feel like nothing getting better.
On the same note, maybe your ABF isn't for you, gives you a lot of anxiety and pain.
You have to ask yourself this:
Do I want to live my life like this?
Do I want this Anxiety and Pain?
Does he think he doesn't have a Problem? If he doesn't maybe you to need to talk it thru, when he isn't drinking.
Good luck!!
I never been diagnosis with anxiety, but I know I have Social Anxiety. I also worried a lot myself. It seems like you been through some stuff and feel like nothing getting better.
On the same note, maybe your ABF isn't for you, gives you a lot of anxiety and pain.
You have to ask yourself this:
Do I want to live my life like this?
Do I want this Anxiety and Pain?
Does he think he doesn't have a Problem? If he doesn't maybe you to need to talk it thru, when he isn't drinking.
Good luck!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
Feeling un-beautiful in your body is a horrible feeling.
Having a boyfriend who texts other women sexy texts is a horrible feeling.
Having sex with someone while they think about being with someone else is a horrible feeling.
No wonder you feel like crap!
Let's look at the above using the serenity prayer:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
What you can't change - that your boyfriend is sexually attracted to others and so inconsiderate that he lets you know this information. He is choosing to be in a relationship with you, but is making sure that you feel like crap about yourself by sharing inappropriate and degrading information with you. Huh. Wonder why he's there....
What you can change: You don't have to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't find you attractive.
You can put energy into your appearance and fitness, until you do feel beautiful, which gives you considerable power. There is no reason to wake up every day feeling unattractive, when you can do the work of fitness and feel so much better and stronger.
Even if you are not yet ready to end this relationship (are there financial ties? etc.) you can begin the process of building your own confidence and expanding your world (so that this is just a teeny part of it). Get out there, sister! Make new friends, get busy. Who wants to hang around a house while some a** sits in the basement watching hardcore porn and sexting people?
Only you can change your life!
Having a boyfriend who texts other women sexy texts is a horrible feeling.
Having sex with someone while they think about being with someone else is a horrible feeling.
No wonder you feel like crap!
Let's look at the above using the serenity prayer:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
What you can't change - that your boyfriend is sexually attracted to others and so inconsiderate that he lets you know this information. He is choosing to be in a relationship with you, but is making sure that you feel like crap about yourself by sharing inappropriate and degrading information with you. Huh. Wonder why he's there....
What you can change: You don't have to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't find you attractive.
You can put energy into your appearance and fitness, until you do feel beautiful, which gives you considerable power. There is no reason to wake up every day feeling unattractive, when you can do the work of fitness and feel so much better and stronger.
Even if you are not yet ready to end this relationship (are there financial ties? etc.) you can begin the process of building your own confidence and expanding your world (so that this is just a teeny part of it). Get out there, sister! Make new friends, get busy. Who wants to hang around a house while some a** sits in the basement watching hardcore porn and sexting people?
Only you can change your life!
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