uncle holmes

I'm in the process right now of having high levels of anxiety with the potential of it turning into an anxiety attack.

My wife's father, or my father-in-law, had a stroke yesterday and it's gotten worse. There's blood and swelling on his brain and the only thing keeping him alive is a ventilator. My wife's family has decided to take him off the ventilator sometime today.

To make a long story short, my wife and I have a good marriage and have been married 23 years. But I quit associating with her family many years ago for reasons I'd rather not talk about. I haven't seen any of her side of the family in probably 10 years.

She's extremely hurt and sad right now about her father's condition. I'm supporting her very warmly and doing anything to help. She wants me to go to the hospital with her for me to see him one last time before he passes away.

My anxiety is very high right now about doing this, especially since I haven't seen any of her family in 10 years and they will also be in the room.

I've suffered with social anxiety for much of my life. No question it's a big reason on why I drank. But I've been sober now for many years.

That's all. Please feel free to comment on anything you want to about this situation.

Soberpotamus

Can you have a private moment with him in the room? You could have your wife talk with the family beforehand, and maybe just you and your wife go in for a few minutes alone? An idea anyway.

I know how social anxiety feels, believe me. I feel for you right now. I've had to go into the ICU for my mother with family I'd rather not ever see again. So I absolutely know the turmoil you feel right now.

That's good you are there for your wife and that you're trying to see her father one last time.

Alysheba

Prayers for you uncle Holmes.

uncle holmes

Thank you so much. I will bring your idea up to my wife. We're leaving soon, probably within the next hour. I'm nervous and I'm sure my anxiety will increase as I'm walking in the hospital towards the room.

Soberpotamus

In situations like this, tensions for everybody run high, so try and realize that people are going to be feeling quite awkward and uncomfortable anyway. So you shouldn't attract the attention that you feel you might, you know? Maybe just a quick nod of your head at them, a quick smile (even faked), and if someone shakes your hand, return the handshake properly. Beyond that, probably not much will be asked of you.

biminiblue

This is more about him and your wife than it is about you right now.

Remember to take deep breaths when you feel the anxiety start to well up.

If someone says something that triggers your anxiety, try to remember that they are under tremendous stress right now and forgive them.

uncle holmes

Thank you so much! My wife is putting her shoes on now and I'm about ready to put my coat on to leave. I feel nervous now and will remember to take deep breathes and remember everyone's suggestions. I'm leaving now. Good bye. I'll report when I come back.

Soberpotamus

One technique I used when I was having panic attacks is to "go limp"... I've never actually tried to describe this in words before so bear with me...

I would focus on a part of my body, loosen the muscles, and imagine going limp... letting out all tension in that area. Then, go to the next area, and so on. Because I guess technically if you let your entire body go limp, you'd fall to the floor, lol! Right? So, you get the idea...

It took my attention away from my erratic breathing and it helped

biminiblue

Breathing is so underestimated in anxiety.

Anxiety is fear and fear is primal. It is triggered by outside events but also triggered physiologically. Fear makes the rabbit freeze. Fear makes all beings react physically. We either go to flight or we panic and freeze up. When we freeze up we want to become invisible so the scary thing won't be able to see us (think being stalked or hunted.) In that moment, we stop breathing or take tiny shallow breaths. This causes a carbon dioxide buildup. Too much CO2 and our body hits survival mode. "PANIC, WARNING, NO AIR!! BREATHE!! INCREASE HEART RATE, DECREASE CIRCULATION!!"

This leads to that feeling of anxiety - pounding heart, light-headed, etc.

Breathe. It's what is needed.

I breath-hold almost automatically and I do it out of fear habit. Just taking those few deep breaths every time I feel fear is enough to banish it. (That and saying the Serenity Prayer at the same time.)

uncle holmes

I showed up at the hospital. As expected the room had immediate family members and I had anxiety the whole time. I said hi to everyone and expressed my condolences but after that I froze up and couldn't seem to say a word. I felt very uncomfortable. I stayed for about an hour and then left. Her father was still on the ventilator. Last I heard they took him off the ventilator and are just waiting for him to die.

Now that I think about it I had this same anxiety around her family when we were dating for two years before our marriage 23 years ago. This was back when I was still drinking. But I never drank in front of them. They thought I was a straight arrow. But after seeing her family I would get drunk later after I left to relieve the anxiety.

Soberpotamus

Uncle, glad you made it through unscathed That was brave.

biminiblue

It isn't necessary to always have words to say. The room was a very difficult place to be and you made it through it. I'd say well done, you now know you are very strong.

uncle holmes

Thanks. As of now her father is still alive and slowly dying while off the ventilator. My wife is there 24/7 with her mom (my mother-in-law). I feel so bad for my wife and her family to have to go through this.

Now my social anxiety has shifted from making an exhausted effort and completion of showing up at the hospital room to now wondering if I can even make the funeral after he passes away.

My wife wants me to at least make an appearance at the visitation as well as showing up for the funeral, even if I just go to the church service and not go to lunch after. I'm not sure if I can make it through that or even do it. My social anxiety disorder is that bad. As of now I might try.

Soberpotamus

That's a good position to take, I think. In the past, I recall that it sometimes made a huge difference in the level of my anxiety depending on how I was able to leave myself an "out" just in case... By leaving things open ended, somehow it takes the pressure off. At least you won't have the mounting anxiety. The steadily creeping anxiety can really put you over the top. But if you leave it open such that you allow yourself to make that final decision just before, it doesn't have as much momentum.

uncle holmes

Great insight and advice! Thanks.

biminiblue

Facing our fear is the only way to overcome it.

What are you afraid might happen? Is it that you feel judged? What exactly is the fear?

Have you tried Cognitive Behavior Therapy? I feel sad that you have disabled yourself - there is a way out.

uncle holmes

It's awful to live like this. It is sad. I've escaped it many times by avoiding these social situations.

uncle holmes

I called my wife today at lunch. She's been living at the hospital for four straight days and nights now, sitting at the bedside with her mother and brothers waiting for her dad to die.

Right after I called they called her back into the room. She said she had to go cause they thought her dad finally died.

She called back a little later in tears. Her father took his last breath. He died. She'll be spending the night at her mom's the rest of the week.

She's helping with the funeral arrangements. As of now the viewing will probably be on Friday and funeral on Saturday. I told her I would come but deep down inside I'm not sure I will. The anxiety is that bad.

AG2013

Great job so far Holmes. You did the right thing supporting your wife through such a difficult time. You have to experience these fears in order to overcome. Many of us experience what you do and some have it really bad. The important thing is to not let it beat you no matter what. Keep coming back at it harder each time...you will see it really has no power over you. Let the feelings come, notice them, and them them fade away. Good luck to you. Great job on your sobriety.

uncle holmes

I made a huge, miraculous breakthrough with my social anxiety this weekend. I agreed with my wife that I would go straight to the funeral home Friday after work for her father's viewing.

After work I was wiped out with exhaustion and hunger and the thought of driving in traffic hour going to the funeral home with my social anxiety on top of that was just too much. So I headed home instead. I ate dinner, chilled a little bit, and before I knew it I decided to put my suit on and headed to the funeral home.

Sure enough when I got there they were saying the rosary with everyone seated. I was seated in the back by myself just knowing that I would have to face all her family after the rosary whom I haven't seen some in probably 18 years.

And it just happened. I was nervous but started mingling with everybody and even laughing with a few cause it's been so long since I've seen them.

Then on Saturday morning I put on my suit and drove out to the church for the funeral service. Very sad. But glad I was there for my wife as she and her mother & family were sobbing very hard while hugging her dad before closing the casket for one last time. I myself cried a little too while holding onto her while they were screaming in cries.

Then an even bigger test for my social anxiety. Onto the restaurant where we're all close together at a table ready to eat. I struck up a conversation as things at the table got quiet. Overall it went better than I thought it would.

Finally it started breaking up a little after everyone ate and people were getting ready to go. I eased on out of there feeling so proud and glad that I had showed up and faced everyone and was able to be there for my wife in a very difficult time.