whatsgoingon

I used to post in the newcomers forum but as the title of the post suggest the tag newcomer is wearing a bit thin! I looked back over my previous posts and I was shocked that I had been visiting this site for so many years.

My battle with booze has been yoyo-ing back and forth for some time. I'm a strange case. I recognise that I don't have a great relationship with booze but I wouldn't go as far to say that I'm an alcoholic. I kinda hate that label, it's like saying your overweight, the variations from tubby to obese are huge (literally).

I guess I'm borderline. I don't drink everyday, but when I do drink I tend to do so until I'm drunk. Every now and then I will quit and maybe go two or three months without a drink. Once I managed 9 months straight but I inevitably succumbed to lure of the liquor. I know have a problem but perhaps naively I think I am in control of it. My drinking increases when I'm stressed which is currently quite often as I run my own business. I'm also a secret drinker. I don't drink alone but when I'm drinking with friends or family I generally have more than they know. I'm embarrassed about what I have drunk and often try to dispose of the evidence so no one knows I have a problem. My wife does not drink much which only adds to my problem because I tend to feel deprived when I'm drinking with her so I will sneek a few when she's not looking.

I probably don't sound like I'm in control at all and I guess the advice everyone will give me will be to obstain. Thing is I don't want to completely stop. Like many drinkers out there I enjoy it and for me drinking forms part of who I am. It's a selfish attitude but I'm tying to be truthful. I wish I had a better relationship with drink but I don't. I can't live with it or without it. Pretty sad eh.

Don't really know why I'm on here. Looking for answers I suppose. Sorry for the random post just thought I'd check to see if I could find some inspiration as to why I am the way i am.


Regards,

Sneeker

doggonecarl

Then you won't.


I didn't want to quit drinking either. I wanted to drink, just without the consequences of drinking. The alcoholics pipe dream.

When I accepted that not drinking was the only solution, I took it.

Fly N Buy

As someone with alcohol use disorder I drank. It's what we do. I hid it, snuck it and covered it up. I'd swear it off and veer away at times to convince myself I didn't have AUD.

The times of abstainence disappeared and my drinking became daily, mostly. I wasn't a morning drinker but happy hour got earlier and earlier.

One day I made a decision to stop and sought help. I was sick and tired of the battle. I surrendered and turned over my flag. I think of alcohol only once in awhile - usually here or in a meeting when share with others.

For an alcoholic to not drink is a miracle that happens everyday to lots of us.
Oops - alcohol use disorder people.

tomsteve

" I wouldn't go as far to say that I'm an alcoholic. I kinda hate that label,"
"I guess I'm borderline'
borderline what?
alcoholism is a progressive disease. you can stop at this stage of it- the stage or rationalizing and minimizing the problem or keep sinking further.

"I'm embarrassed about what I have drunk and often try to dispose of the evidence so no one knows I have a problem. "
"y drinking increases when I'm stressed which is currently quite often."
"Thing is I don't want to completely stop."
so ya like being embarrassed and all them other wondeful feelings that come after a bender?

"I'm a strange case."
breaking news!
youre not a special snowflake. youre not terminally unique. youre not a strange case.
youre a typical alcoholic at the stage of alcoholism where rationalizing , minimizing, comparing, and justifying starts.
the hole gets deeper- just read arounbd. go to the recovery stories.
you,too, can dig a pretty deep hole that has nothing but gloom,dispair, and agony in. a hole where everyone around you wont go down with you. a hole that is possible to get out of, but is a shitton harder than a shallow hole to get out of.

hope ya decide to get out of denial, stop rationalizing,minimizing,comnparing, and justifying.

tomsteve

gonna throw something else out there- the title of your thread:
Battling for 5 years

think about it

Maudcat

Hi, whatsgoingon. Thanks for your post.
Like you, I didn't want to stop drinking. I just wanted to drink like a normal person.
Took me a few years to recognize that I had left normal drinking in the rear view some time back.
I think most of us hold on to the belief that we can moderate, drink a few, or go without and it's not a problem.
When I accepted that alcohol, the getting of, the drinking of, and the disposing of, was ruling me, i decided it was time to make a change.
Remember that alcohol dependency is progressive.
It may be manageable now, but it likely won't stay that way for you.
The behavior you describe is not special. Sadly, it's pretty common stuff on these boards.
Good luck.

Wholesome

I spent years trying to find a way to keep drinking even though I knew it was a problem. It wasn't until I fully accepted that I was never going to be able to control it and that I had to quit forever that I was able to finally give it up. It got to the point that the pain of continuing was greater than the pleasure I got from drinking.

whatsgoingon

Thanks for the replies. Like I said I don't really know what prompted to come back here, guess I needed a reaility check. I know I have a problem, I wouldn't be here otherwise. I'm finding it hard coming to terms with it. I've given up before, quite a few times but I've never been able to stick to it. I keep playing the when then game. For instance I'll stop after my friends birthday meal or after the next camping trip. There always seems to be a social event coming up that will involve alcohol. I don't really want people to know that I have a problem so I don't want to raise suspicions by behaving differently. So I'm caught in a vicious circle.

I'm also afraid of failing. If I give up the I'm more likely to fail than I am to succeed. I know that's a real defeatist attitude but that's unfortunately quite realistic. I think this site is great for support, advice and the occasional kick up the arse. Thing is not everyone finds it easy giving up booze for a whole host of reasons. If it was easy this site wouldn't exist. 'Coming out' as an alcoholic takes tremendous courage and I admire anyone who has done it. A few years ago I thought I'd done it. I remember being very self righteous in this board giving my advice and words of wisdom to anyone who'd listen. I become the voice of reason, a pioneer of sobriety. Now look at me, a bloody fraud. That's half the reason I stopped coming on this site because I was embarrassed. I gave it the big one and then complete ballsed it up.

Anyway enough self pity from me. I need to make some changes, obviously. Admitting you have a problem is a process and it's probably going to take me some time. I'll keep you posted of how I'm doing. I'll try and be as honest as I can, even if that means confessing my failures. I've got a drink problem and I don't really know where to start. Knowing that I've tried and failed in the past is a demotivator.

Thanks again for replying.

NulaMeansZero

You came back to SR for a reason, and we are all here to listen and help....You have a PROBLEM, and SO DO I!

Theres no self pity that Im hearing from your end, Im hearing a person that wants to confirm their problem and reach out for help.

You got it, be afraid to fail, that's human nature, but also DONT BE AFRAID TO SUCCEED!

Mizzuno

Keep trying. Just because you have "failed" in the past does not mean that you will always fail. I do understand where you are coming from. I had one year sober and drank wine. I got sober again for one year and then wine came back into the picture for three more years. Currently have 3 months sober from alcohol.

I fear the one year mark. I wont let fear stop me though.

You are not a fraud. You are none of the things that you tell yourself aside from the truth of having a drink problem. This road takes a lot of damn work. A LOT OF WORK.

I believe its about progress and not perfection. Move forward and know that you are not alone. None of us are.

Maudcat

I understand the fear of failing.
I would try anyway.
Just for a day.
I could not wrap my head around the whole never drink again thing, so I changed it up.
I just said, I won't drink today. One day became another day, and so on.
And you don't have to announce it.
As to being in social situations, I assume that you are talking about pubs?
And that not drinking alcohol in a pub would be weird to people?
Not as much as you might think.
People make up excuses, like taking meds and can't drink at the moment.
Or just say that they are not drinking today.
Honestly, we care about how it looks far more than other people do.
At least, that's been my experience.
Last thing: people tend to stay sober if they are working a recovery program, whether it's AA meetings or a secular program like Rational Recovery or SMART.
Or one of their devising, like a mapped, structured lifestyle that doesn't include or encourage drinking.
Dee's stickies on this site about recovery programs are worth reading.
There is life after alcohol, and it's pretty sweet.
Good luck.

ScottFromWI

Welcome back whatsgoingon. Lots of great advice here, and it basically does boil down to a choice...and a choice only you can make. It has to be all or nothing though like Carl says...you can't drink not face the consequences. I hope you will stick around SR...this is where I learned that life without alcohol is actually much better than life with it.

WhiteFeathers

Like you, I don't appreciate the term "alcoholic." I think alcohol use disorder is more appropriate (which is the clinical term as defined in the DSM-V). But even that doesn't work for me. It makes it seem like "normal" people can tolerate alcohol, but special people with a particular disease can't tolerate this normally benign substance-- kinda like an allergy to strawberries.

Except alcohol isn't a benign substance. You'd be surprised how many people you think are "normal" are actually sickened by alcohol all the time. Because, even in small quantities, it makes almost everyone sick on some level, ranging from headaches to much worse conditions.

What is happening to you now, it seems, is a normal response to being sick all the time from alcohol. You're ready to end it. But you think alcohol has a sacred and special place within human society and you would be missing out. I think you just need to reframe your thinking.

Some people really do have an especially bad reaction to alcohol-- as in once they start they literally can't stop, sometimes for weeks. I was never that way. When they say alcoholism is a progressive disease, and once you start drinking heavily, getting dependent, and letting alcohol interfere with your daily life, it's impossible to go back to "normal" drinking and you will end up dead or in jail.

In my case, I was waaaaaay more "alcoholic" in my 20s-- constantly drunk, throwing up over the side of my bed before work kind of drunk, waking up with people I didn't know kind of drunk. Never arrested, thank god, or killed anyone or got a DUI-- just lucky.

But by my 30s, my drinking became "better." I wasn't doing those things. I never showed up to work even hung over-- ever. But the drinking started just ruining my soul. I was numb. Cut off from life. Overweight, hangovers every saturday and sunday, trapped in miserable relationships, no interest in hobbies or anything fun. So I stopped.

I don't tell people I'm an "alcoholic." I don't say I quit because I have "problems with alcohol." I say I don't like it anymore and that's that.

NYCDoglvr

This is the definition of an alcoholic. We can abstain from alcohol but when we pick up a drink we can't stop and have no control over what happens. It's a progressive disease as the time decreases between binges and we must drink daily.

least

By "behaving differently", so you mean not being/acting drunk? Not making a fool of yourself? There's nothing wrong with being a responsible adult.

Stay sober long enough and it will become second nature to you. And by staying sober, you'll be avoiding all the problems that come with drinking too much.

SoberHoopsFan

If you don't like the label "alcoholic" don't use it. There's no rule that says you have to refer to yourself in a specific manner, in fact, something like "non-drinker" once you have quit works just fine. But the reality is the behaviors you are describing are problem drinking, no two ways about it. Drinking to get drunk, drinking in secret, hiding the amount, etc., all of us have been there. It's unhealthy and causing quite a deal of damage to your life. Under the fog of alcohol, you may not be able to see at the moment that life can be more rewarding without it. But once you abstain long enough and get the right mindset, that's exactly how you will feel.

I hope you find a way to come to the realization that a sober life will be a better life, especially before something really bad happens.

whatsgoingon

Thanks for all the replays, I really do appreciate it. In this thread there has been some talk about labels and how to cope when going sober, I have to be honest here and say I'm not at that stage yet. I'm still drinking and trying to figure stuff out.

My biggest hurdle at the moment is actually stopping myself from having a drink. Some days I'm ok and won't drink but my subconscious is always looking out for an excuse or reason to drink. For instance the other night on my way home from work I had decided in my head that I wasn't going to drink. Then when I got home it was lovely evening and wife said 'you know I really fancy a nice cold beer'. That was all I needed, I just thought to hell with it, I'm going to have a drink with my wife. Thing is she stopped after one beer, I must have had 2 or 3 followed by a few glasses of wine.

I have recently gotten a taste for gin. Worse thing I ever did. Gin is so easy to drink and you don't have the problem of having to deal with lots of empty bottles like you do with beer. I can also poor really big measures and no one knows, they just think it's a normal gin & tonic.

I have a constant battle with my 'alcoholic voice'. I like to call my voice 'dave' ( no offence to anyone called Dave!). I recently read a book called the 'chimp paradox' which basically explains the brain is made up of many different sections almost little brains in one big brain. The Chimp part of the brain is the primal part which is very powerful and works on instinct. The chimp is the part of the brain which seeks reward and does things on impulse without thinking. The book explains that your sensible thinking part of the brain is often over powered by the chimp. The point I'm trying to make here is that I think the alcoholic voice in this context is the Chimp. So my question is how do you control or quiet down the Chimp or AV?

Wholesome

Hi. The secular section of SR is where you can learn about Rational Recovery and Addictive Voice Recognition Technique. That's what I used to quit drinking. There are many excellent threads there where this topic is explored in depth.

Wholesome

You can most definitely learn to recognize that voice and ignore it.

doggonecarl

You don't.


But you don't have to do what a monkey tells you to do, do you?