onthecliff

I'm just flat out obsessed and have been for weeks. I actually have a fridge full of alcohol as of 1 hour ago. I'm sitting here waiting to either drink it or get so tired I go to sleep. I'm fully insane right now, half of me is just curious how bad it will be (wtf right?).

I used to go to 3 meetings a day in the beginning but now I'm so burnt out and tired of AA. I'm posting here just for that sliver of me that is screaming not to do it, but it is so faint.

Anyway, I'm posting this **** on the internet because my secret plan of denial and insanity is to just have a couple of beers and then not tell anyone and so obviously I can't call anyone and tell them. It's amazing being here at this point in my recovery, I literally cannot recall with sufficient clarity anything negative for more than a few seconds. It's like I have recovery amnesia.

Karma2014

Don't do it. Resist the urge. I know exactly where you are coming from as I have been there. Recently.

I'll PM you my phone number and you can call me if you like!

Scott

Odelle

I think you already know that it won't stop at a couple of beers. That obsession you feel now, by actually drinking you'll only reignite the uncontrollable cravings that will make the past few weeks look like easy street. Don't do it Onthecliff, it isn't worth it! Remember the reason you chose sobriety in the first place, if drinking was the enjoyable event your AV is trying to convince you it was, you wouldn't have kicked it to the curb two years ago!

karate

Why do you want to feel like crap tomorrow .?

Because you will

MIRecovery

Is drinking better than being burned out and tired of AA? Maybe AA is not the solution but for sure drinking isn't

Dee74

Hi onthecliff and welcome

I have never heard anyone say 'man I'm glad I relapsed'.

Whatever your problem is, drinking that fridge full of booze won't fix it.
It will make things worse tho.

Read around at some of the relapse threads here. There's no bounding back bright and bushy tailed the next day.

I went out for 'one night off from recovery' - I didn't get sober again until 2 and a half years later.

Thats the kind of life altering decision this is.

I'd recommend you dump the booze right now - maybe,make some phone calls to AA buddies?
But at least why not call it quits tonight, go to bed and think about this in the light of a new day?

D

BarbieKen

Well, I am gonna say it..please call your Sponsor. Call a friend in the program. If your going to drink, a phone call will just take a few minutes, then if you're still set on the booze, .....
Bobbi

onthecliff

Yeah, that's a scary thought, but I don't believe it, like not really.

I know this is a crazy call for help, I'm starting to get embarrassed by the responses. ugh.

Anyway, thanks for all the replies.

Dee74

I'm confident everyone here is speaking from personal experience

What do you find embarrassing about the responses exactly?

D

MIRecovery

I relapsed after 6 years and then went on a four year drunk that almost killed me. Those 4 years were the most horrible times I have ever known

onthecliff

There is nothing wrong, in fact I'm on the cusp of everything going right. My wife left town thrusday, I've been craving for weeks I lasted this long but I'm just flat out obsessed. I bought the alcohol so that I wouldn't go out and buy it and be "out" drunk.

Look, I"m going to try and wait it out, until 2am when the bars close, but it's on me bigger than **** and I'm just having a brutal time shaking it.

You guys are all full of good wisdom, I might take your suggestion right now and go through some of the relapse threads.

onthecliff

I'm like the chick in 28 days, I should have a sign "Confront me if I don't ask for help". lol

Dee74

Austin AA has a 24 hour helpline
Hill Country Intergroup - Hotline (512) 444-0071

D

Carlotta

Please don't do it, the others have given you some good suggestions: I relapsed after 5 years and it took me 6 years to get back in recovery. Dee74, MIrecovery and I are some of the lucky ones, many never make it back.
Hang in there.

1newcreation

Hope you haven't bent that elbow yet! Tis not worth it & should know by now; don't mean to sound "rude" just trying to wake you up from spiritual slumber that your in. How's the relationship w/ God? With sponsor & network? What step are we on today? Learned later that it's not mtgs alone that will keep me sober but working the program. Used to go upto 4 mtgs/day & even tho felt beta bout myself after, I couldn't get why the moment got home, felt so empty inside. Thank goodness didnt go back out nor wanted to.
Now it's 1 maybe 2 mtgs a wk but the steps & literature have done so much in me that even I notice the changes. It's not bragging for its not I that doeth the work but He. I simply allow Him too & it's an honor; trust me bout half the time whatever it is that's going on, my mind says " ummm sure could do w/o this or that" but know peace only comes thru acceptance.
Suggestion is call someone no matter the time zone it is otherwise you'll have gained 1 more regret & lost TWO valuable yrs that youve worked for so hard for. Then pour down all that booze in drain so can see it waste away instead of yourself & sobriety
Btw, I'm @ 20 mths so not speaking out of touch w/ you.
We are all here for you but decision is in your mind

Cow

I hate to quote Beastie Boy but "listen all y'all it sabotage". If you on verge of everything going right, that is just about right time for some serious sabotage. What exactly is you obsessing about? What is it you want? What is it you have back when you life was sh*t life of alcoholic that seem so appealing to you?

sunrise1

Onthecliff, are you still around?

onthecliff

Sunrise1 I was on the phone with karma2014, which was really helpful (thanks karma).


Yeah I'm sabotaging for sure, that knowledge doesn't seem to help. It's not like I'm intentionally doing it, but the fact that life has sucked for 2 years and I didn't feel like drinking and when things start getting good I'm a freaking mess just makes it sort of obvious.

What I want is a break from responsibility, stress, and my inner critic (who's an ***hole).

It's tough because I don't want to talk to anyone because I've been on the other side and I know what they are going to say, I know what's what. I'm just sick of the obsession and I'm restless in a soul crushing way. There is also this evil **** where I have a hard time believing it'll actually be that bad, despite some serious and long-term evidence to the contrary. I took this disease to very, very bitter-end but god that seems so far away. . .

That all being said, this is helping and I really do appreciate all of you very much. I was on the absolute verge when I decided to google recovery and posted this thread here. I've pulled back quite a bit, just having people care, even across the internet really helps. So thanks to all of you, really.

neferkamichael

Onthecliff, make it through this sober and you will be so much more powerful, we are all rootin for ya.

sunrise1

onthecliff, I recall some of the same issues in my recovery. The way I put it was that I could get away from issues and problems at least temporarily, but I could never get away from ME. I know my relapses were about trying to do that, but the crushing shame, loss, and guilt were really the only results.

Stick around here. We really do care and we'll help you get through it.