katebear

I have been an occasional visitor here for a while and I even posted a few years back..
There seems to be nothing I can do, I just drink all the time.

I don't really know what else to say, I hope all those who quit back in the day are sober still..

FeenixxRising

I'm sure there is something you can do Kate. It will take some work, but if you fight through the pain, you can make it out to the other side. I take it you're still in Thailand; are their resources you can use there?

Aellyce

Katebear, I'd felt that way for years. Could hardly ever get beyond one or two days of sobriety. Also lurked and sporadically posted on SR but was never here regularly. One thing that made a big difference was committing to recovery and to becoming an active member of SR. These commitments and active participation seem to have made a whole world of difference for me! Try posting daily. Also try any recovery program and support you are interested in and have access to. If one does not work, experiment with another, or multiple methods.

You can do this!

katebear

The problem is that the lifestyle is so accepting...of course there are things I could do - it coms down to personal strength....jeez I hate this thing's got me so terribly. I am in Korea now btw - the drinking culture is worse! Anyway this is nothing more than a rant. Tomorrow - day 1 again..

huntingtontx

Kate, my heart goes out you. I hope you will hang in here with us. If you go to your doctor they can give you something to help with with drawls. I know it is not easy to quit, but it feels so good to be sober. You are in my prayers.

Aellyce

I think most of us in recovery figured that we had to change our lifestyles drastically. Regardless of local culture, social pressure, expectations - put our sobriety before everything else. It certainly did not work any other way for me. Actually, it can even get quite exciting after the initial difficult weeks - all the changes - you can create a new life for you! But only with being proactive in it.

LBrain

Hi kate, I'm newer here. good to see you back, just commit to one day at a time, and what haennie says to do, sounds like a good way to get on track

katebear

I've cut down a lot it just comes down to those few pesky 'reward' drinks. Thank you everyone who has helped me in the past and thanks to everyone who will help me in the future...Wow I signed up here 6 years ago! And I'm still a damn drunk! Love to all...we can do this.

Stoogy

Hi Kate, like LBrain, I'm newish here but the advice from the guys is spot on, most if not all of us had doubts about our sobriety we are only human.

I hope you give it a go and succeed, wishing you well Kate.

PurpleKnight

Don't beat yourself up kate!! no one that I know got it at the first attempt, it can take time!!

When I signed up to SR for the first time, it then took a further year to actually get Sober, countless times of feeling how you are now, I had to get back to basics, 1 day or 1 hour at a time with plenty of support!!

Hang in there!!

ScottFromWI

Sounds to me like you are still trying to moderate or control your drinking rather than actually quit...or am I reading your comment wrong? I did the same thing for years too. Accepting that I cannot drink at all and then working towards that goal is what finally worked. "Rewarding" yourself for some sobriety by drinking is not only counterintuitive, it nearly always leads to a return to regular drinking. You CAN do this..

SouthernBe11e

Hello, Kate dear! Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.

I feel like that as well sometimes. I'm learning about AV and doing a lot of self-talk. Seriously, it's just as easy to say, "I will not let myself die of this!" as it is to speak doubt and despair, right?

I am finding that mysteriously, miraculously the more I talk positive words aloud to myself, the more my mind is getting conditioned to thinking positively. My brain is badly bruised from drinking and I'm going to help it heal by speaking words of comfort and hope. I want to learn to love and accept myself and to value my life.

Perhaps this may help you, too.

katebear

Yes, you are right...there is no 'rewarding' as it leads to a serious binge...thank you for that!

katebear

I think that sounds wonderful! I recently lived with a yoga fanatic (in a good way lol) and she was so positive and I swear things just happened for her...I am in general a cynical awful witch - but I will try this positive thinking haha!

Croissant

Hi Katebear...we've all screwed up in the past, kept drinking, whether we dared admit to ourselves it was hurting us or not. I lived in denial, got sober....had to deal with a wave of guilt of all the things I'd lost, people I'd hurt and all the rest. Facing it is such an opportunity to grow, even though it sucks at the time and feels like hell.

It's so worth it.

I got sobriety time under my belt, got out of the drinking culture I was in and am not looking back. It's scary to get sober, but boy, once you start to see clearly, get that poison out of your system...it will be easier to remove the bad influences out of your life...if I can do it....I reckon you can.

katebear

I think you are all lovely - I am drunk right now...and I will say - I just can't get this feeling any other way. I know I am damaging myself...I ****** up so badly the other night I've ****** things up with the ex so embarrassingly - but right now I don't care. I just don't care. I know I've ****** up my pancreas. Here's the thing - I'm going to stop on Monday. Seriously. Now is Friday. I'm going to quit.

katebear

Sorry for the bad language! I didn't realize it!

Croissant

I think this is very true. I think we forget how negative our thought processes become as drinkers. I always considered myself a positive person, but looking at some of my thoughts I needed to have to pursue my drinking career....like;

- Oh, what a s$&@ day, better have a drink
- I'm all fat now from drinking, better have a drink
- Don't want to go to this party this weekend (really, I just don't want to go cos it'll interfere with my drinking time), better have a drink
- I hate my job, better have a drink (I hate my job cos I picked the wrong job cos I'm hungover all the time)
- I don't like the people I work with (I'm really hungover every day and really don't know who I like cos I have no real social connection with anyone anymore, just a bottle)

Well, you get the idea. I still have to examine how I REALY feel about things, because my whole life centred around drinking, the depression it causes and totally isolating myself. How could I have felt real and genuine happiness about anything?

Aellyce

That's how I started in January, Kate. Started a similar, desperate thread like you now while still drinking - got plenty of compassionate and helpful responses - responded to them - and somehow I did not even want to drink more that night. Have been posting nearly everyday since, only had a minor slip since. I was really at a loss as to how on earth I could quit drinking before.

Why don't you stop today and start anew tomorrow, instead of Monday? Come here and read/post each time you feel like drinking, or just anytime you want. I personally find just the interactions very helpful and uplifting - so many great people and tons of information here. Besides all the public posting, I've also made a few very nice connections with specific people via PMs, people that I consider as friends now despite of never meeting offline (yet).

Croissant

That feeling is an illusion honey. And in reality....by the time we are seasoned drinkers....the enjoyment is brief. Most of it is pain, as you describe above.

Roll on Monday! Please be well! Stick around here....you can do it.

We've all felt hopeless, mate.