Jojo69

Hi there, hi all:

I gave up drinking 8 months ago and all in all so far it has been a very enjoyable and fulfilling ride since taking my last drink.

However, very recently I feel that I have hit a bit of a wall. For the first time since giving up I have some pretty strong feelings/thoughts to drink again emerging. I have high levels of stress and depression kicking around too and have recently come off anti depressants. I'd say right now I am moving in and out of the danger zone (of buying a drink) throughout the day and possibly getting closer to taking a drink.

Despite being 8 months 8 in, I fell like this is the hardest point so far. It feels like a hole has appeared somewhere and I need to try and fill it.

All in all I feel a bit confused. I don't wish to try controlled drinking, but I do (when I first gave up it was with the idea of a long spell of sobriety, then some controlled drinking of minimal amounts). I'm sort of comfortable with the labels that come with being a problem drinker, but I'm also not. I want to get wrecked, but I certainly don't. I'm confused.

All in all, I just feel I've got a little bogged down somewhere. I feel like I've got stuck somewhere. I'm no longer progressing like I'd wish and it fells like I'm just stuck here in the mud of life, in danger of perhaps sinking or reversing back into the horrors from which I came.

Any tips or help for someone 8 months in?

Thank you

PS Just to point out that everything isn't totally bad right now, it's just I'm confused, I've never been here before and there are some very real danger signs going off.

Dee74

Hi and welcome Jojo

I found I needed to do a little more than just stop drinking to be happy.

It was like I still had a void inside, a gnawing, and the other thing I knew to fill it with was alcohol.

I'd stopped drinking, but I was still living the same old alcoholic life and thinking the same old alcoholic way

If that sounds like you too I recommend you find other ways to deal with the void - don't fill it, heal it

Volunteering was a great experience for me for example - it really got me out of my head, if you know what I mean.

D

ChildinDarkness

Have you done the steps?

The reason that I ask, I felt this too and simply now I have a tool kit which enables me to step out and deal with all problems that my alcoholic minds does try to plays with me.

Also speaking to a member always lifts me, nothing like sharing with another who knows exactly what is going on in your head,

Sometimes when caught in it we cannot see, however other people can see in.

I hope that is of some use, if not I meant well x

Jojo69

Thank you.

I know exactly what you are saying and I'd say I have found this peacefulness, contentment and happiness for much of my time since giving up. It's just I think I've slipped back into old ways lately and like you say, yes they are drinking ways (it's no coincidence).

I very much understand what you say about healing the hole and not filling it. : ) One will never fill the hole, it's forever hungry.

I've been kicking around the idea of volunteering for a while, then putting it off, I'm now going to do it.

I also need to get back to my mindfulness techniques and push the doctor for some CBT

Cheers. Take care.

Dee74

no worries

On a slightly different tack, you may also find this link interesting reading:
PAWS | Digital Dharma

D

Jojo69

Thankyou, ChildinDarkness

Just writing and reading folk give an opinion has already helped. I'm open to everything to help and will take a look further into the steps, I perhaps haven't as of yet been open minded enough about them. I will give them a good go and like you say speaking to a member/s can more often than not be very uplifting. I need to get back to the groups.

Genuinely, thank you for responding, for your help.

RobbyRobot

Hi Jojo,

I've felt like you often enough in my first year or two. I'm sure you're making progress of some sort though, otherwise you'd be in much more dire straits, if not back to drinking already.

I'm thinking it's important for us to remember how successful we already are at sobriety, even at 8 months, so do make sure to review your successes. You might find some additional traction already there to get you unstuck.

Bravo on your accomplishments!

ChildinDarkness

Just wanted to let you know Jojo that I don't categorize anyone, it is what I have found out whilst attending consistent meetings, doing the steps, chairs and sharing my own experience.

I accept everyone as equal and the fact that you are sober and trying to do something about it is amazing. You are a very intelligent, creative special person. "its in the book"

No matter what words are bounded around you know that you are amazing and when you continue forward with this journey it will get better.

I was advised some time ago that pain is for educational purposes only sometime it is incredibly difficult to find the silver lining however when it comes the insight always blows me away.

Everyone can get caught up in a fog, just remember "this too shall pass".

We live in a constant flow of change. The power of now by Eckhart Tolle has great insight into living in the present moment. It really helped me through some tricky situations.

Anyway lots of love and just know that you are an inspiration and that you are loved unconditionally. Peace x

Jojo69

Thanks, RR.

Yes I was thinking this just the other day for a time and it helped lift my mood a little. It is important to remember how far we've all come and from where we have come. We can all be a little too harsh on ourselves at times and forget how well we have done.

It is perhaps important at times to try and bring a little kindness to ourselves.

Cheers. Thanks for reminding me, it's so easy to forget.

pluginjug

If you just stopped taking medication, that could be a significant reason you're in a funk lately. Perhaps visit your doctor and explain what's going on.

Quitting drinking is huge. Stopping anti-depressants is also huge ... a bigger deal than I think many takers of ADs understand. I know, because I took ADs for some time after sobering up and eventually stopped taking them.

Jojo69

Cheers, I think you're right.

I was expecting mental ones, bu I got some real nasty physical withdrawal from them that knocked me about. I was only on the lowest dose as well and had only been nibbling at that for a while. I've only been off them for a few weeks, so it's early days and yes I'd say you are right; they perhaps have far more of an influence than the recipient often realises.

crackerboy

Sometimes it's necessary to stay on antidepressants, at least until we are well past the symptoms of post-acute withdrawal, which can last for a couple of years in some cases. Depression is the result of an imbalance in brain chemistry. It's similar to addiction in that respect, but different in that the neurotransmitters don't necessarily come back into balance, as they usually do with addictions.

Many of us self-medicated other issues with alcohol and drugs. Others developed problems while using. Still a third group become depressed when they no longer have alcohol or other drugs to cover up emotional issues that then begin to bubble up.

Antidepressants are not like addictive drugs, and should not be dumped into the same category out of a fear of taking medication. I have all the respect in the world for the rooms of AA and NA. They saved my life. However, they are not the be-all and end-all of knowledge, and antidepressants are an outside issue.

kizzie

I agree with crackerboy. Stopping your antidepressants could be the primary reason you are struggling right now. While it's true that alcoholism contributes to and can cause depression, many people struggle with it regardless of their level of alcohol consumption. I'd recommend you talk with your doctor and try resuming your anti-ds and see how you feel in a few weeks to a month.

olympia

Yes, absolutely.

I'm in a similar position to you, Jojo- not drinking, and much better for it, but the void is still there. I know I need to put myself out there- put the action before the thought, God that's hard -and I wonder if that's what you need to do too? Get involved in something that fills the void?

Jojo69

Thanks, Olympia.

Yes, I do feel I have to add a little more action to my life (I think volunteering being one of them) and good luck with whatever you decide upon embarking upon.

I do think we all have to be a little careful about trying too hard to fill a void or perceived hole though. This void is something we may never fill as that is often the very nature of its existence; if may well feed off from what we throw into it. We may well find ourselves in 'hungry ghost mode' if we are not too careful:

Hungry ghost mode

"The aching emptiness is perpetual because the substances, objects or pursuits we hope will soothe it are not what we really need. We don’t know what we need, and so long as we stay in the hungry ghost mode, we’ll never know. We haunt our lives without being fully present.

Some people dwell much of their lives in one realm or another. Many of us move back and forth between them, perhaps through all of them in the course of a single day."

I've been finding that mindfulness practice (living in the moment) and meditation helps get me out of that mode of thinking (heals the void) and I need to get back to a little more of doing that. I did some last night.

Everything certainly isn't suddenly perfect, but I'm feeling a little bit better about things today and the folk in this thread have certainly helped. Thank you all.

It's a huge monster of an issue, but I do believe that finding the root causes of my addiction and trying to understand those will be beneficial to my ongoing recovery. It will perhaps help in me closing the void so that I don't feel I have to do anything to try and fill it. Having said that, saying, I just don't know, I don't need to know, being happy with not knowing, is important too at times and can be equally as healing. It's okay not to know, it's okay to feel bad at times, that's life. In fact it can even feel good to feel bad at times, or at least it can be an intriguing and educational experience. Okay, I'm going on now... thanks all.

olympia

Glad to feel you're feeling better, if only a little bit.

And I thank you for reminding me of the hungry ghosts! Reading In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts (it sounds like you may have also read it?) was a huge factor in getting me into my sustained recovery in decades. I loaned the book to someone- may have to see about getting it back! So much wisdom in that book.