Day One. Again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 5
Day One. Again.
I've had issues with abusing alcohol for the past 5 or 6 years. I've "stopped" a few times in the past but it seems each time I pick up it up again, it has gotten progressively worse. This time, I've had it. I've hurt too many people, myself included, am looking at my spouse divorcing me and my family disowning me.
This most recent "binge" started in April or May. At first, it was only a few times a week, I'd stop by a bar after work (or with my co-workers at the time for Happy Hour) and put down 6-10 beers. Mid-may is when things completely went to hell.
Since May, I've averaged 6-14 beers a day. Never liked liquor, just stuck with beer. Over the past month or so, for financial reasons and because beer "wasn't getting it done", I switched over to the 12% drinks like 4Loko, etc. I'd put down 2 or 3 of those a night and on many nights an addition 24oz can or beer or 2 on top of that. Over the past couple of days, I've been seriously considering quitting but after reading about detox, I became frightened so I still drank a little bit. Saturday I think I had 1 40oz of beer and yesterday, I had 1 24oz can of 8.1% malt liquor.
For about the past, 2, 3..hell maybe even 4 months, I've had pretty much constant diarrhea every day. My diet is pretty crappy, some days I wouldn't eat much at all (if anything). I'm to the point now where I'm actually out of food but I can figure that part out.
Right about now is the time of day I would usually start drinking and I feel...uncomfortable but not too terribly bad. I also called my general practice doctor and gave his nurse the full rundown of what's been going on, so I'm waiting to hear back from him with advice. I found the CIWA test online and, being honest, if maybe a little generous (towards the worst end of the spectrum), I scored a 12. According to that, medication would probably be helpful. Especially since I have been diagnosed with depression/anxiety and at one point, bipolar disorder (which I took meds for for 5 years and, I believe, was chemically induced due to amphetamine abuse - which I have since stopped). I actually attempted suicide by taking full bottles of the two medications that had been re-prescribed to me and was, for whatever reason, not admitted and released the next morning after the police and fire had to come and scoop me out on a stretcher in September of this year.
My biggest complaints right now are general uneasiness..like if I am having a conversation with someone on the phone, I pace constantly and talk very fast. I don't know if that's from withdrawal or if it's because I'm having a manic episode or what..I've always been a speedy talker. I can't really seem to get comfortable sitting down and suck down cigarettes like it's my job. I also have extreme tightness in my chest, a little bit of shakiness, jaw clenching and my side (where my liver is) is uncomfortable. Additionally, as I'm typing this, I feel a bit of a headache (on the top of my head, which is weird) coming on. No sweats yet, although I have had them in past days where I took a day (or most of the day) off from drinking. The last time I had my blood pressure checked back in July when I was 2 months in to this most recent binge, it was something like 140/110..so I'm guessing it's around here..if not higher today.
I'm really hoping my doctor calls me back soon. I'm pretty broke but can probably get some help to pick up a script for Ativan (which he had been prescribing me in the past anyway) or Klonopin. I'm just worried this is going to get worse. It never has in the past but I guess there's a first time for everything..heh.
I already have an appointment with a social worker who is a substance abuse specialist set for Wednesday. I've seen her before in the past and she's been great. I've gone to AA a couple of times before but I'm not exactly..the most religious guy..and always had a difficult time getting past that aspect of the program. At this point though, I'm willing to do it..I don't feel like I have any other choice. I've looked at the meeting schedules and there are several every day at various times within a few miles of where I live. I have a car and everything so that helps.
I don't want to have to go to the hospital. It would cause me more problems, I think, than it may help in terms of my relationship with my family (parents) who are really the only people I have right now. My spouse and I are separated and currently not speaking after an ongoing series of drunken outbursts on my part that have been going on for the last year and a half or so. We've been apart since last summer and would go through phases of speaking for a couple of months and then I'd screw it up by going off on her while I was drunk and she'd basically force me (through the threat of legal action) to leave her alone. I'm unemployed (lost my job due to coming in to work reeking of booze from the night before and a hungover outburst on my supervisor one morning) so I rely on my parents for help with food and whatnot but can't afford to be stuck in a hospital for several days as I *have* to find a job.
I guess I'm rambling at this point but found this place after doing a lot of looking around online and was specifically recommended to come to these forums from the website Reddit's Alcoholism sub-forum.
Anyway, just wanted to introduce myself. I look forward to talking with you guys and getting some good advice and maybe, at some point, giving some good advice as well.
Take care,
Optical
This most recent "binge" started in April or May. At first, it was only a few times a week, I'd stop by a bar after work (or with my co-workers at the time for Happy Hour) and put down 6-10 beers. Mid-may is when things completely went to hell.
Since May, I've averaged 6-14 beers a day. Never liked liquor, just stuck with beer. Over the past month or so, for financial reasons and because beer "wasn't getting it done", I switched over to the 12% drinks like 4Loko, etc. I'd put down 2 or 3 of those a night and on many nights an addition 24oz can or beer or 2 on top of that. Over the past couple of days, I've been seriously considering quitting but after reading about detox, I became frightened so I still drank a little bit. Saturday I think I had 1 40oz of beer and yesterday, I had 1 24oz can of 8.1% malt liquor.
For about the past, 2, 3..hell maybe even 4 months, I've had pretty much constant diarrhea every day. My diet is pretty crappy, some days I wouldn't eat much at all (if anything). I'm to the point now where I'm actually out of food but I can figure that part out.
Right about now is the time of day I would usually start drinking and I feel...uncomfortable but not too terribly bad. I also called my general practice doctor and gave his nurse the full rundown of what's been going on, so I'm waiting to hear back from him with advice. I found the CIWA test online and, being honest, if maybe a little generous (towards the worst end of the spectrum), I scored a 12. According to that, medication would probably be helpful. Especially since I have been diagnosed with depression/anxiety and at one point, bipolar disorder (which I took meds for for 5 years and, I believe, was chemically induced due to amphetamine abuse - which I have since stopped). I actually attempted suicide by taking full bottles of the two medications that had been re-prescribed to me and was, for whatever reason, not admitted and released the next morning after the police and fire had to come and scoop me out on a stretcher in September of this year.
My biggest complaints right now are general uneasiness..like if I am having a conversation with someone on the phone, I pace constantly and talk very fast. I don't know if that's from withdrawal or if it's because I'm having a manic episode or what..I've always been a speedy talker. I can't really seem to get comfortable sitting down and suck down cigarettes like it's my job. I also have extreme tightness in my chest, a little bit of shakiness, jaw clenching and my side (where my liver is) is uncomfortable. Additionally, as I'm typing this, I feel a bit of a headache (on the top of my head, which is weird) coming on. No sweats yet, although I have had them in past days where I took a day (or most of the day) off from drinking. The last time I had my blood pressure checked back in July when I was 2 months in to this most recent binge, it was something like 140/110..so I'm guessing it's around here..if not higher today.
I'm really hoping my doctor calls me back soon. I'm pretty broke but can probably get some help to pick up a script for Ativan (which he had been prescribing me in the past anyway) or Klonopin. I'm just worried this is going to get worse. It never has in the past but I guess there's a first time for everything..heh.
I already have an appointment with a social worker who is a substance abuse specialist set for Wednesday. I've seen her before in the past and she's been great. I've gone to AA a couple of times before but I'm not exactly..the most religious guy..and always had a difficult time getting past that aspect of the program. At this point though, I'm willing to do it..I don't feel like I have any other choice. I've looked at the meeting schedules and there are several every day at various times within a few miles of where I live. I have a car and everything so that helps.
I don't want to have to go to the hospital. It would cause me more problems, I think, than it may help in terms of my relationship with my family (parents) who are really the only people I have right now. My spouse and I are separated and currently not speaking after an ongoing series of drunken outbursts on my part that have been going on for the last year and a half or so. We've been apart since last summer and would go through phases of speaking for a couple of months and then I'd screw it up by going off on her while I was drunk and she'd basically force me (through the threat of legal action) to leave her alone. I'm unemployed (lost my job due to coming in to work reeking of booze from the night before and a hungover outburst on my supervisor one morning) so I rely on my parents for help with food and whatnot but can't afford to be stuck in a hospital for several days as I *have* to find a job.
I guess I'm rambling at this point but found this place after doing a lot of looking around online and was specifically recommended to come to these forums from the website Reddit's Alcoholism sub-forum.
Anyway, just wanted to introduce myself. I look forward to talking with you guys and getting some good advice and maybe, at some point, giving some good advice as well.
Take care,
Optical
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 2,284
I relate to ramping up to those 12% alcohol energy drinks, in addition, to my Vodka. That is a sure sign that alcoholism is progressing. I threatened a supervisor as well, once while intoxicated in the office. You will find a good support network here. Consulting a doc for the necessary detox will be wise.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 5
Yeah I just heard back from the dr's office. They said I should go to the ER to get checked out so I'm headed there now. Will report back. I'm hoping they don't keep me..just give me some Ativan or whatever..I can't afford a hospital stay financially or time wise.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 5
Thanks 
Actually just walked in the door. They took blood and urine to check my levels and they said everything looks normal...thank goodness. Going to start meetings first thing in the morning. All they gave me was phenregren for nausea so I guess my BA level wasn't high enough (if that's how it works?) to elicit enough fear to start me on Librium or anything. They had mentioned it at first but then when the blood and urine came back, they sent me on my way with just that and some referrals for outpatient treatment centers.
Actually just walked in the door. They took blood and urine to check my levels and they said everything looks normal...thank goodness. Going to start meetings first thing in the morning. All they gave me was phenregren for nausea so I guess my BA level wasn't high enough (if that's how it works?) to elicit enough fear to start me on Librium or anything. They had mentioned it at first but then when the blood and urine came back, they sent me on my way with just that and some referrals for outpatient treatment centers.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome optical!
Glad you got checked out and are lining up some support to help you stay sober.
Things are going to get better, a little each day, and you can begin to rebuild your life. Take care of yourself in the next few days and keep reading/posting. This is a great community!
Glad you got checked out and are lining up some support to help you stay sober.
Things are going to get better, a little each day, and you can begin to rebuild your life. Take care of yourself in the next few days and keep reading/posting. This is a great community! Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 5
I came across this thread (I was subscribed to it) while cleaning out the e-mail account associated and figured I'd drop by and post an update. I'm sure people post threads like I did all the time and after a few days or whatever disappear. Once reminded, I didn't want to be that guy.
So, since I posted this in 2011, a lot has happened. A lot.
It turns out not being on medication was really, really hurting me. That seems pretty obvious but when you're constantly consumed by paranoia, things slip through the cracks. My mind is in so much better of a place now than it was in 2011, 2012, hell, even last year. Getting used to being friendly and optimistic as opposed to a completely miserable assh... has taken some getting used to and is a "lesson every day" kind of thing. The biggest thing is that I've accepted, truly accepted that I am an alcoholic. I'm always going to be an alcoholic and if I drink, I'm hitting the reset button and have to start all over again. I'm in my mid-30s now and, man, I don't want to go through anything like all of this all over again. I don't have the energy for it. More than anything else, that's helped me keep my resolve and of course seeing a psychologist once a week helps a ton too. She does not hesitate to call me out if it's necessary.
Anyway, as I mentioned, I figured I'd stop in and drop an update. If you took the time to read, I appreciate it and I hope you all are doing well.
So, since I posted this in 2011, a lot has happened. A lot.
- Shortly after I posted this, my wife OD'ed on heroin and got arrested. She couldn't stay clean, would violate her probation and was in and out of jail. If her parents weren't loaded to the gills, she might still locked be up..I kind of wish she was. Either way it was like looking at and talking to a different person. Every sketchy thing she was doing was so obvious and I don't know if she thought she was being slick and skating on stuff or if her mind was just gone and completely controlled by heroin. Either way, she might of been fooling her family, friends, etc...she wasn't fooling me, I'm an addict to. I called her out on a couple of things both of which she quickly tried to turn around on me which...sounds about right. Eventually, I said "eff it".
- My wife and I divorced in January 2012.
- I drank on Klonopin, fell through a glass coffee table and almost died (hit an artery) in June 2012.
- I was remanded by judge to a psych unit for 9 days in August 2012 after being up for two days, experiencing auditory hallucinations and almost went to jail after calling the cops complaining that my neighbors were plotting to hurt me. They took me to the hospital instead.
- I was put back on medication for Type I Bipolar Disorder which has been outstanding with somewhat regular tinkering of dosages.
- I've been visiting a psychologist weekly since August (well..September) 2012.
- My ex-wife died of a heroin overdose in October 2012.
- I'm still an alcoholic, I always will be but recently completed my third month at a 3 day/week outpatient facility and I've taken to it very well.
It turns out not being on medication was really, really hurting me. That seems pretty obvious but when you're constantly consumed by paranoia, things slip through the cracks. My mind is in so much better of a place now than it was in 2011, 2012, hell, even last year. Getting used to being friendly and optimistic as opposed to a completely miserable assh... has taken some getting used to and is a "lesson every day" kind of thing. The biggest thing is that I've accepted, truly accepted that I am an alcoholic. I'm always going to be an alcoholic and if I drink, I'm hitting the reset button and have to start all over again. I'm in my mid-30s now and, man, I don't want to go through anything like all of this all over again. I don't have the energy for it. More than anything else, that's helped me keep my resolve and of course seeing a psychologist once a week helps a ton too. She does not hesitate to call me out if it's necessary.
Anyway, as I mentioned, I figured I'd stop in and drop an update. If you took the time to read, I appreciate it and I hope you all are doing well.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 40
optical,
I read this and I feel sick. Last weekend I had another drunken outburst at my spouse as well.
My spouse is my best friend. I've been fortunate to find someone so wonderful. But I got so drunk and lost myself. We were at a birthday party. Just started ranting about something extremely stupid. We were leaving a bar, thank goodness. A friend of mine was in the car listening to me. It felt so important at the time. I ended up hanging out with my friend and my spouse told me that we were done, this was the last time we are going to fight because we were done.
I walked home the next day. I felt so lost, the love of my life, I finally messed it up so bad where this person is leaving me. We talked and made up when I got home. We both discussed our faults in the situation and said that this cannot happen again. (But this situation started with me...)
It has happened before...I cannot get drunk anymore. Seeing that you have lost your companion...reading this after something so fresh happened with myself...
I just cannot let this happen again...right? So I find this site today. I read your post...I hear myself in it. I'm scared.
I'm not sure if this is even what I'm supposed to be doing on this site? This is the first time I've openly talked about this. So I hope I'm not overstepping anything.
Thank you for sharing.
I read this and I feel sick. Last weekend I had another drunken outburst at my spouse as well.
My spouse is my best friend. I've been fortunate to find someone so wonderful. But I got so drunk and lost myself. We were at a birthday party. Just started ranting about something extremely stupid. We were leaving a bar, thank goodness. A friend of mine was in the car listening to me. It felt so important at the time. I ended up hanging out with my friend and my spouse told me that we were done, this was the last time we are going to fight because we were done.
I walked home the next day. I felt so lost, the love of my life, I finally messed it up so bad where this person is leaving me. We talked and made up when I got home. We both discussed our faults in the situation and said that this cannot happen again. (But this situation started with me...)
It has happened before...I cannot get drunk anymore. Seeing that you have lost your companion...reading this after something so fresh happened with myself...
I just cannot let this happen again...right? So I find this site today. I read your post...I hear myself in it. I'm scared.
I'm not sure if this is even what I'm supposed to be doing on this site? This is the first time I've openly talked about this. So I hope I'm not overstepping anything.
Thank you for sharing.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
