Curlync

So I went to a therapist last Thursday who specializes in alcohol abuse and she recommended a treatment center if I was able to go. So I freaked out - which is stupid, bc I know I am an alcoholic, I just keep trying to deny it to myself but then I think about the horrible things i have done and that have happened and i am reminded again - I am an alcoholic. Anyways, I left the session and got drunk (which was my daily routine at that time anyway) -- drunk that night, drunk all the next day and then woke up Saturday feeling like crap and cried for 15 hours straight. I knew I was defeated, I just realized I couldn't do this anymore. Not to be a cliche but I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. So I woke up monday morning put my big girl pants on and went to my first AA meeting. I went again Monday night and have been every day since (this is only Thursday so this is not a huge feat) but I like it and hate it all at the same time. I have no idea what I am doing right now and if I stop to think about it my head feels like it is going to explode so i just keep going to the meetings, reading on here, reading the literature they gave me, reading on line-- . I even got a temp. sponsor as I walked in and saw someone I knew from around town. - I meet with her tomorrow after my meeting for lunch.
I am just so confused and scared right now.

I have NO idea what I am doing - zero. I just know i was told to keep going to the meetings so I am keeping on.. and it is a good thing I guess bc i haven't had a drink since i went that first day. Of course, they tricked me and gave my a chip and I stare at it constantly and carry it around - I say trick bc I didn't really realize the enormity of what taking it meant when I took it but I am glad I did bc it is working right now. (being an overachiever, I will just fight right now bc i don't want to fail and get another first chip or whatever it is called) so if that keeps me sober today I am told that is a good thing. I have had horrible night sweats aka soaks, and the cravings are awful and I want to drink ALL the time or most of the time. Blissfully I forget sometimes and I have been sleeping which is a blessing but I am white knuckling it at times. I just keep reading on here when I want to crawl out of skin or read the books and eventually i calm down.
I am mostly scared - scared of the obvious stuff - drinking is who I have become and I don't want to give it up- I mean I want too but I don't want too-- i am sure that you know what I mean. I am supposed to be living just for today blah blah but my brain is so confused - its like i have a medical problem with it right now. I am up then down then crying then pissed off then blissfully happy for no reason!
I see a small ray of hope within AA for me and I want it so badly which then really scares me and I can't think about it bc then I want to drink... I am a mess. My brain is on overtime but it isn't working right either. I felt more stable and lucid when i was drunk sigh.....
I just want to know what to do-- I feel like an infant at this and need guidance. Maybe i will get that from my sponsor tomorrow - I don't know. Help..

awuh1

Your post gave me a great deal of hope that you will get this, especially this line, "I like it (AA) and hate it all at the same time. I have no idea what I am doing right now". Perfect! I (we) understand exactly what you are talking about. Emotions all over the map, and for no good reason. Not knowing what to expect. Thinking perhaps that these AA people don't have a clue, and at the same wondering how they got so much time without a drink.

For what it's worth I think you are doing exactly the right thing at this point. You are going to meetings and even have a temp. sponsor. Your right on track. You may not feel like it, but you are! Things are about to get way better.

All the best to you.

Eddiebuckle

I agree with Awuh - your post is honest and everything you mention is completely normal for the first week of sobriety. Keep doing what you are doing, work with your sponsor, and stay open and willing to the advice of people who have what you want. There is nothing special about the people who manage to get years of sobriety, other than their willingness to work their program on a daily basis.

Good luck and congratulations on your progress!

fini

knowing i was defeated was the point of turnaround for me.
i didn't use the word "defeat", but that's what it was. i couldn't do it. and it came to me just like you describe, as something i had become, not something i was doing.

Curly, no matter how it feels to you, from here it looks that you're doing all the right things. being willing, asking for help, being honest and open, scared but keep going. messy but keep going.

you know the title of that book (i've never read it but always loved the title!)"feel the fear and do it anyway"...that's what you're doing and if you keep going in spite of fear, you will be okay.

Ken33xx

My advise would be to go to as many meetings as possible right now. Meetings often differ in size, format and vibe. As far as a sponsor goes take your time and get to know the person first.

AA is a great program. However, people in AA are like people everywhere. Some you will gravitate toward and some you won't.

Good luck.

sugarbear1

Those 12 steps changed my life for the better, in fact, they probably saved my life!!

Dave42001

I believe you're doing all the right things too! It takes time to get the alcohol out of your system and I can really relate to the sweats/ soaks, it's awful..

AA is a great place to spend your time if you want to get sober.. You seem to be very proactive and want it, that's huge!! Kudos to you!! It doesn't come over night but you're doing it!! One day at a time!! Please keep us updated and reach out if you have any questions, there's a lot of good people here with many, many years of soberity.. Wishing you the best, it gets better!!

Berrybean

I remember that bewilderment - I related to so much that people said, but also so much didn't make any sense to me at the time. It was a whole new way of thinking for me. Which, once I'd started using it, was what made sobriety bearable; tenable; and now preferable for me.

Keep going to the meetings. Keep contacting your temporary sponsor and anyone else who has given you their numbers - think of it as retraining your brain - if you can get used to doing that when it isn't vital, then when it is vital, you will be more likely to pick up the phone instead of picking up a drink.

Sounds like you're on track. It might not feel like it in your washing-machine head at the moment, but it's all part of the healing.

stevieg46

Curly . 1st step in AA. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives where unmanageable .
It also says in AA '' Many of us tried to hold onto our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely '' Curly through in the towel admit defeat and ''gain victory'' you have made a good start , so now it can only improve '' stick with the winners ''

Regards Stevie recovered 12 03 2006 .
words are easy music is much harder .

tomsteve

curly, you are exactly where you are supposed to be and exactly feeling how you are supposed to feel at this time.
many,many years jn a bottle will leave a person in a fog. its going to take some time for that fog to leave, but when it does things will start making sense.
you prolly drank for a few years,eh? the effects wont dissappear quick. but they will.
imo, keep going to meetings,keep reading the bb and aa literature, get phone numbers of others and call them even if just to say hi.
and pray.

good on ya for hittin meetings like ya have!

CousinA

Hey Curly, you're going to be ok. You're right where many if not most of us have been when we first got here. It passes. Probably quicker than you think.

-allan

MIRecovery

You didn't get sick in a day and you aren't going to get better in one either. Keep going and listen to what people with long term sobriety do. Then do what they do

MIRecovery

This is today's daily reflection. Thought it may help.

February 5th
A GLORIOUS RELEASE
"The minute I stopped arguing, I could begin to see and feel. Right there, Step Two gently and very gradually began to infiltrate my life. I can't say upon what occasion or upon what day I came to believe in a Power greater than myself, but I certainly have that belief now. To acquire it, I had only to stop fighting and practice the rest of A.A.'s program as enthusiastically as I could."
— TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 27
After years of indulging in a "self-will run riot," Step Two became for me a glorious release from being all alone. Nothing is so painful or insurmountable in my journey now. Someone is always there to share life's burdens with me. Step Two became a reinforcement with God, and I now realize that my insanity and ego were curiously linked. To rid myself of the former, I must give up the latter to one with far broader shoulders than my own

Curlync

Wow that really stood out as some good advice. I can't seem to call the numbers of people I don't know and I haven't needed too except a few times but how easier it would be if I had already done it

Thank you everyone for the reassurance and advice. I woke up and read it all and though I didn't have time before my meeting to reply, it really helped me and I think I am in a better place today because of your reassurances.
After my morning meeting I had to work, sigh, but
I did meet with my sponsor today for lunch and it was very very helpful too.
she told me to do 90 and 90 so I'm just gonna do what she told me. She gave me some books and some guidance about things to do
1. Don't drink. Ha!
2. reading the 1st step every morning and the daily reflection.
3. Go to aa meeting at least once every day
4. Check in with her everyday
And some homework to do. So I feel a little more structured
at least somebody is in control because I know I sure as hell am not

MIRecovery

Sounds like a good sponsor. Your tasks are simple but you will find them to be the foundation of your recovery. My thinking got me into the trouble I was in. When I gave up the fight and did what I was told things got better rapidly.

blueberry2015

Oh hun, I so know that feeling well! Early sobriety is very confusing, I too was as you described, but the good news is.... it does pass and it does get better. The sweats you describe, are normal, it maybe worth chatting to your doctor see if they can prescribe you something to help you x I so feel for you, its not easy but it is part of the recovery and healing process, hang in there, it will pass and once it has if you stay sober your'll never have to go through that again. Im in AA and it is really really helping, just keep on going back, share how you feel, go even if you dont want to go, it really is helping me on my own journey of recovery. X x x x

Grungehead

That's a good thing right? Me being in control is what got me in the mess I found myself in to begin with. Giving up that control to someone or something else was an important start for me. By the time I finished step 3 I figured out who to give that control to.

Your first post was a great reminder of just how I felt my first week sober. It sounds like your immediate plans are good ones...go to lots of meetings, stay in touch with other AA's and read the program literature.

Curlync

I went to a women's meeting tonight that broke out into a newcomer group of about 10. Everyone spoke but me. I don't know what to say. It was so uncomfortable. Today is one week of meetings. I feel better, more like myself and I still want to drink bc I want to drink but I am "thinking the drink thru" and realize the guilt I will feel, the pain I will have to see on my kids faces isn't worth it. I am trying and doing it a day at a time.
Anyway I feel like everyone is waiting for me to speak, including my sponsor- who is great but I feel like she wants me to open up more than I am. I don't open easy.
I've been living and perfecting the facade so long I don't know how to be any other way. Plus I think deep down I don't trust these people---I don't know them.
Plus I don't feel this need or want to share anything right now.
I'm making no sense. I guess I am just wondering if it's gets simpler.

KarenOskie

You sure do inspire me, Curly! I have three days, feel awful. I went to a meeting tonight, first one on this go round, and picked up a white chip. But I was too anxious to ask anyone to be my sponsor. I got lots of numbers, I did tell them I am new to the area and newly back in AA. They were very sweet. I will use your example to spur me on to call some of these women and to ask for a sponsor before the week is out. Thanks!

awuh1

I'm glad you're sharing with us Curlync. I would not worry to much about sharing in your group. You're new to this.

If you think you might feel better by sharing, you might want to start by saying something like "Hi I'm Curlync and I'm an alcoholic. I'm trying to work up the nerve to share more. I hope you will be patient with me. Thanks. "

That would be saying something important and relevant about yourself. In any case, do what you need to do for yourself right now. These first weeks can be difficult.

You're not doing anything wrong.