Unsolicited advice and Rule 62
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 123
Unsolicited advice and Rule 62
I think some people in AA and AA related chat forums could benefit from utilizing these two AA principles. Giving unsolicited advice may be nothing more than unnecessary criticism. For example, telling someone to work the steps when they already do and to focus on themselves when they already do is kind of obnoxious. None of us do anything in AA perfectly. Rule 62 is don't take yourself or AA too seriously. Personally I think taking myself and AA too seriously is a great way to relapse. Calm down. Everything is OK! People don't relapse because they got into a debate on-line. AA won't fall apart because someone said "heroin" in a meeting. I think we all know the types of people in AA who offer unsolicited advice and take things too serious. It is typically the crusty old timers who feel their "opinion" is the law of the land. They make every effort to pester newcomers with their "opinion." This post isn't directed at anyone in particular because if it was I would be offering unsolicited advice which would make me a blow hard. This is just my experience and my "opinion" and my "opinion" is by no means a rule or tradition which needs to be followed in order to stay sober.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 3,293
I used to get upset all time at AA meetings. I'd walk into meetings feeling pretty good and walk out feeling pretty angry. Going to meetings seemed like a bad way to end a good day.
Then I started to realize I was focused more on others' attitudes and not focusing on what was going on inside of me. Instead of looking outward, I started looking inward.
Even if I was justified in how I felt, it wasn't helping me to stew over it and kept me from getting much out of the meetings.
The Serenity Prayer pretty much sums it up for me. I try to stay away from people that irritate me. I avoid discussions on AA (really bad idea). If someone is giving me a hard time (hasn't happened in a long time), I just walk away instead of getting into a debate. Some people might consider this as an unfriendly attitude and that's fine.
I'm there because my life depends on it. Now I actually enjoy the meetings and get a lot out of them. And I leave feeling pretty good, most of the time. Hope that helps. John
Then I started to realize I was focused more on others' attitudes and not focusing on what was going on inside of me. Instead of looking outward, I started looking inward.
Even if I was justified in how I felt, it wasn't helping me to stew over it and kept me from getting much out of the meetings.
The Serenity Prayer pretty much sums it up for me. I try to stay away from people that irritate me. I avoid discussions on AA (really bad idea). If someone is giving me a hard time (hasn't happened in a long time), I just walk away instead of getting into a debate. Some people might consider this as an unfriendly attitude and that's fine.
I'm there because my life depends on it. Now I actually enjoy the meetings and get a lot out of them. And I leave feeling pretty good, most of the time. Hope that helps. John
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 123
I enjoy meetings. I went to one tonight. I did not give or receive any unsolicited advice. I seen people laughing and not taking things too seriously. I was glad to see that as it is my opinion that taking life and AA too seriously can drive a person to drink.
Disclaimer: This is just my experience and opinion.
Disclaimer: This is just my experience and opinion.
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Casper, WY
Posts: 287
It does this ol' cowpoke mighty well to remember something I heard in a meeting one time:
"If I have a problem, I'm part of it."
Something must have prompted your exposition, PAC, and it's been my experience that if it's bad enough for me to pontificate on to anyone who'll listen (which is effectively what posting on the internet is), I should probably look inward rather than outward.
You may see things as unsolicited advice or too serious. You cannot, however, know the true motivation for someone speaking up. It may, indeed, be that they're a legend in their own mind, but it could also very well be that there is genuine concern for others. I have no way to know the unseen part of a person; that is, motivation, heart, and mind. Perhaps you're telepathic, but I'm not. So I feel like its unfair for me to make the sort of statements that suggest I'm privy to their internal machinations.
I've approached it from where you're coming from. "Some people could do..." Yep, they could. And if'n the queen had balls, she'd be king. I have no control over either circumstance, so it has, in my experience both in substantive recovery as well as the white knuckling days, been far better to work on MY reaction rather than focus on their contribution.
I take what I like, I leave the rest, and I mind my own business. That's more than good enough for the cows and me most days.
(Bonus points to anyone who catches that western reference...)
"If I have a problem, I'm part of it."
Something must have prompted your exposition, PAC, and it's been my experience that if it's bad enough for me to pontificate on to anyone who'll listen (which is effectively what posting on the internet is), I should probably look inward rather than outward.
You may see things as unsolicited advice or too serious. You cannot, however, know the true motivation for someone speaking up. It may, indeed, be that they're a legend in their own mind, but it could also very well be that there is genuine concern for others. I have no way to know the unseen part of a person; that is, motivation, heart, and mind. Perhaps you're telepathic, but I'm not. So I feel like its unfair for me to make the sort of statements that suggest I'm privy to their internal machinations.
I've approached it from where you're coming from. "Some people could do..." Yep, they could. And if'n the queen had balls, she'd be king. I have no control over either circumstance, so it has, in my experience both in substantive recovery as well as the white knuckling days, been far better to work on MY reaction rather than focus on their contribution.
I take what I like, I leave the rest, and I mind my own business. That's more than good enough for the cows and me most days.
(Bonus points to anyone who catches that western reference...)
It`s ok to stay sober
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Central NC
Posts: 20,902
looks like to me when advice is given it is usually about a past problem.When I keep my mind in the here and now,everything is better usually.
yep,my mind can wander back into the past and cause trouble if left unattended
yep,my mind can wander back into the past and cause trouble if left unattended
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi.
“I think we all know the types of people in AA who offer unsolicited advice and take things too serious. It is typically the crusty old timers who feel their "opinion" is the law of the land. They make every effort to pester newcomers with their "opinion."
Less seriously can easily mean death.
Let’s not forget that AA people are a cross section of the population who are dealing with a life or death situation and many people won’t ask for help to begin with and if they do start their next sentence with BUT. Some people need a good shaking like it or not. We did a lot of brain damage to ourselves and that part of our recovery can take some time so how can we handle our recovery with the alcoholic thinking we came with?
I happen to be a crusty old timer and am proud of it. I try to offer many years of experience and observation to perhaps help someone in need, often I find to no avail. It’s worth the effort if what I offer helps only one person who is sick and suffering.
BE WELL
“I think we all know the types of people in AA who offer unsolicited advice and take things too serious. It is typically the crusty old timers who feel their "opinion" is the law of the land. They make every effort to pester newcomers with their "opinion."
Less seriously can easily mean death.
Let’s not forget that AA people are a cross section of the population who are dealing with a life or death situation and many people won’t ask for help to begin with and if they do start their next sentence with BUT. Some people need a good shaking like it or not. We did a lot of brain damage to ourselves and that part of our recovery can take some time so how can we handle our recovery with the alcoholic thinking we came with?
I happen to be a crusty old timer and am proud of it. I try to offer many years of experience and observation to perhaps help someone in need, often I find to no avail. It’s worth the effort if what I offer helps only one person who is sick and suffering.
BE WELL
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 3,293
IOAA2
I understand what you're saying about needing to approach a newcomer because they might not feel comfortable approaching other people for a variety of reasons, and I commend you on making the effort to help.
But sometimes that good shaking whether they like it or not drives people away. I know it wouldn't of worked for me. This subject has come up before, and some people just brush it off and say well, if the newcomer doesn't come back, then he or she just wasn't ready. Maybe that's true, maybe not. I think it's just an easy way for old timers not wanting to take responsibility for possibly driving someone away and put it on the newcomer which may or may not be where it belongs. John
I understand what you're saying about needing to approach a newcomer because they might not feel comfortable approaching other people for a variety of reasons, and I commend you on making the effort to help.
But sometimes that good shaking whether they like it or not drives people away. I know it wouldn't of worked for me. This subject has come up before, and some people just brush it off and say well, if the newcomer doesn't come back, then he or she just wasn't ready. Maybe that's true, maybe not. I think it's just an easy way for old timers not wanting to take responsibility for possibly driving someone away and put it on the newcomer which may or may not be where it belongs. John
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