Jakeysnakey

Hi there,

I'm going to keep this brief:

I was introduced to the 12 steps a few years ago cause I was having issues with food. I attended regular meetings (4 a week or more) for about 2 years. My sponsor had encouraged me to look into my drinking, and I entered AA as well, though never believing I was an alcoholic. I absolutely drink over my feelings, and I have a compulsive history with drugs, though i would call it an addiction, though I could def not turn certain things down, to this day.

I stopped going to meetings cause my sponsor dropped me, and I decided that restricting my food was making my problem worse (which is not what OA is supposed to be, but that's what I was doing, albeit unaware). I've been out of meetings for about a year.

I'm so so spiritually sick. This is what I loved about the program - it pretty much guarantees a solution if you work the steps. Now that I'm pretty sure I'm not an alcoholic, and I know my food is kinda messed up but it's much better since I've stopped restricting....but man do I ever need a spiritual solution.

Where can I find one??? I feel like I need 12 steps for the minor addict. I find myself looking for things I might need to do to qualify for a program....like, I came home at lunch and drank 4 or so shots of vodka so I could handle the rest of the workday. Or, I finished a 15 pill bottle of xanax in four days....that kinda stuff.

I need a spiritual solution and all I know is the steps. Is there somewhere else I can turn?

Thanks to anyone who reads this.

JS

sugarbear1

what is your definition of an alcoholic?

biminiblue

What is it about the steps that you don't like? Was it just that your sponsor left? There are other sponsors.

We with addiction problems are compulsive, obsessive, if one is good, 100 are better. There are other solutions, how about therapy/counseling?

Jakeysnakey

I think an alcoholic is somebody who has lost control of their drinking and it's making their life a mess.

I left cause I didn't think I was having a spiritual awakening. I was just as miserable as ever, but with no coping mechanism (dry drunk). I felt like I was lying saying in a meeting that I was an 'alcoholic'.

Jakeysnakey

I really love the steps. I just don't think I'm powerless over alcohol. I hold on so tightly to drinking cause it's part of the industry I work in. it's how I make friends, how I relate to people bla bla bla. I know that if I had a higher power that I trusted, I owuldn't need alcohol. But I don't.

Jakeysnakey

Oh, and I don't have a desire to stop drinking. I have a desire to be able to enjoy my life/cope with my problems/be a better person.

Jakeysnakey

I'm extremely obsessive. Black or white. All or nothing. I've got all the defects I just don't think I'm powerless over alcohol.

skg

Alcoholism is just a symptom of my dis-ease. I will do ANYTHING that makes me feel better, and that includes eating, controlling, drinking, women, Skittles, coffee, reading (I read books alcoholically), because if one is good, more is better. Doesn't matter.

I wanted to set rules for my recovery--it's just another characteristic of FEAR and the need to try to control everything around me so I can feel safe.

Egomaniac with an inferiority complex, that's me. If it's worth doing, it's worth doing to excess.

There are NA, OA, AA, AlAnon, and a host of 12-step solutions, but they require the participant to, er, em, PARTICIPATE, in their own recovery. Take responsibility for their lives and all that nasty self-protection crap. I found myself addicted to addictions of any sort, and powerless over all of it.

The spiritual life isn't a theory, I have to live it. There are many ways to go through The Twelve Steps. Someone asked me, "What have you got to lose?" They said they'd gladly refund my misery if I didn't have a spiritual awakening. ~shudder~ So I tried them--I've never turned down anything that made me feel different, so why would I balk at the 12 Steps? Unless I was afraid they might actually WORK...

Just do it and see what happens. You can go back to your old lifestyle if you prefer when you're finished.

CupofJoe

Hey, I read over some of your earlier posts.

Please correct me if I'm wrong, but you've said you drink until you blackout, you use alcohol to make friends and cope with life, you had a problem with cocaine and benzos, and an eating disorder. You use substances to help you cope with life and don't know how to get by without them.

Only you know what your relationship to substances truly is, but from where I'm standing, I'd strongly suggest considering the possibility that you're an addict.

I had a friend who used speed. A lot. She realized it was hurting her and stopped. Cold turkey. Much happier now. Doesn't crave or obsess. She's not an addict.

It's not how much you use or even how often you use really (lots of binge drinking alcoholics/addicts) it's what happens to you when you use and how you are when you don't use.

My friend is fine without using drugs. Me? I tried to put down alcohol and was a wreck. I needed alcohol to cope.

I don't need to compare how much you and I drank to think that you might possibility be an addict. Maybe alcohol isn't your drug of choice, but it sounds like it's a problem. Why not go back to CA? Or try NA? Or AA--because it sounds like alcohol is a problem for you (maybe even if other drugs might be more of a problem, addiction is addiction...)

Can I make a tiny suggestion? The fact that you hold onto alcohol so tightly makes me think you might just have a problem with it. How about considering the possibility of seeing what happens when you quit drinking?

You also don't have to call yourself an alcoholic. You can call yourself an addict or say you have a desire to quit drinking or "Hi, my name is so and so and I'm trying to figure out if I have a problem" or even "Hi my name is so and so."

But based on your posts, I think you qualify.

Oh, and I didn't have the "spiritual awakening" until a while after I'd put down anything stronger than caffeine and dealt with life without mind altering substances (and did the steps).

Worth a try, maybe?

Best to you.

PS Please excuse me if I got anything wrong in your story.

Jakeysnakey

Haha joe, yeah you got it pretty good.

I think I'm embarrassed to tell people that maybe I have a problem cause I know they do to see it. I told people before that I was in OA and they were like, you're fine, you're exaggerating...And then what if I fail? Everyone is going to see me.

I have an addict brain I can tell you that for absolute certain. I'm just pretty nondescript with my drug of choice.

I agree that if I had a HP, I would be able to stop drinking without worrying what others think or what will happen if I fail. But because I don't, I'm riddled with fear of other people's judgment. YOU, or other people that I need them all to like me, are my higher power. And it sucks cause I'm constantly at your mercy and it makes life really really hard to live.

When I went to the doc to get more xanax last week, she actually told me that no medication is going to help my problem and suggested that all my security was "outside myself" and suggested church. I was like yeahhhh it kinda sounds like my GP is suggesting I have a spiritual disease. (I'm in a new city and she doesn't know my full history).

Jakeysnakey

Ah yes. I want to set rules for my recovery too. Black and white, right it wrong. I hate the grey but that's where life happens, I think.

I am already starting to feel better just hearing some of everyone's program quotes. I felt a big relief when I realized, while writing in this post, that my HP is not god but actually other people. Right of course. I can't even imagine my higher power NOT being other people. And Pssssh other people apparently aren't thinking if me first, all the time. And I, however, am always thinking about me! No wonder I'm so restless irritable and discontent.

CupofJoe

Hey, you just described me perfectly! ha ha

When I started trying to quit in earnest, I didn't believe in a HP. At all. I thought AA'ers were a bunch of quacks. I lived in terror of what people thought of me. I was so shy I would put up this aloof front, not smile at anyone, and hope that people would leave me alone.

Anyone who saw me drinking knew I had a problem, so my solution near the end was to drink alone. And move to a new town so no one knew I had a problem. The result is that there are people who would be shocked--shocked!!--that someone like me is an alcoholic in recovery.

What other people think is nothing to me now.

My first sponsor was an atheist and my first conception of a higher power was the group of people in AA and gravity. I knew if I dropped a pencil, I couldn't will it not to fall. That meant there was something more powerful than me. It's evolved since then, but I certainly didn't start AA or even the steps with a concept of a higher power. (And my concept of a higher power is still pretty secular.)

But it took putting down all mind altering substances and trusting that what other people did would also work for me if I worked at it completely. (I heard a woman in a meeting say that "The books says half measures availed us nothing, not that half measures availed us half." I repeated that a lot as I realized half--***d recovery got me drunk, not half recovered.)

Anyway, you sound like a lot of people I know who are in AA, so maybe give it a full try? What do you have to lose?

Jakeysnakey

I'm totally open to trying it, I think the only reason I am scared is cause I'm scared to death of what 'people' will think of me if they know? And lying, makes me feel bad too. So, I kinda think I might just need to go and say what you said before - that 'i'm figuring things out' or i 'have an addict brain' or something until I find a HP that makes me actually not give a crap what I'm 'called'. The admission of 'alcoholism' or whatever isn't as much scary for me as it is that I'm afraid that other people will say "no you're not, you're making a big deal of nothing, you're fine" etc. And I'll be embarrassed.

Well, given that this thread has taken me from a real bad weekend of self pity and self hate (and also asking my boyfriend about 100 times why he would ever want to hangout with me...poor thing) and telling a bunch of my friends pretty openly that I am drowning my feelings.....to then feeling guilty about what I said and not fully remembering what I said to whom.....

i think I should go to a meeting.

Thank you all.

skg

Honesty, Open, and Willing. Teachability will take you far...

CupofJoe

Ditto. Let us know how the meeting goes!

sugarbear1

I worked those steps to find a power greater than I and my obsessions and cravings to drink were lifted from me and that is when I found a power greater than me

dsmaxis10

If I were you I would get on my knees and say GOD if your real reveal yourself to me maybe you'll find an HP that will bring you support and comfort it worked for me. It was suggested by an AA old timer.

Joe Nerv

That's exactly what I was thinking while reading this thread.

And all of that guided by sincere prayer for guidance.

I prayed throughout most of my drinking days, and I believe it's because of that, that I was spared many years of pain and destruction. Got sober at 23 and started living the spiritual life you're seeking. It would have been impossible for me to do that while still drinking, but it wasn't impossible for me to pray, sincerely. I believe if you do that, you're honest with yourself while being open minded and willing to take direction, you'll find what you seek.

DayTrader

Jake..... I sponsored someone very much like you a couple years ago. He wasn't sure if he was an alcoholic but he was sure his life had been a mess and wanted to make sure he gave AA a fair just in case he was.

I didn't think he was alcoholic BUT he wanted help and wanted to work the AA program. He DID have a desire to not drink, so he was welcome in closed AA meetings. He'd introduce himself by name and then say "......and I have a desire to not drink."

Anyway, he turned out to be one of my best sponsees. He's awesome. Had a spiritual awakening....found a new way of living that suited him. To this day.....he's been my fastest sponsee through the steps, he's balked the least at writing inventory (and wrote the most thorough inventory of all my guys), and has really been the least combative of all my sponsees........but he's not an alcoholic.

My point...... I'm sure there are some folks in your area who'd sponsor you through the steps, even though you don't have a desire to stop drinking it could still be an AA person - though it sounded from what you shared that you're an OA candidate, not an AA candidate.

TigerLili

You said you don't have a desire to stop drinking so why not look into some of the other anonymous groups. It sounds like you went to Food Addicts ANonymous or one of the food based groups. Maybe try another one. Or another group like Co-Dependents Anonymous, which isn't about substance use.